duramater Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 Hi, I am new to this forum and have been visiting it for a while, specifically following some threads that I've found supportive to my own situation. I hope my husband and I will be able to get valuable advice-because we really don't know where to go and who to share this with. Both of us are professionals in our mid 30s, happily married for 5 yrs (known each other for 10 yrs-i thought he was my soulmate) till he told me 8 months back that he had had an affair with someone he had met at work and needed time to himself and moved out of the house to her apartment complex. I was broken in spirit but my faith and my family kept me going. When I found out that i was expecting, he came back for a month in between then left again to be with the OW (who was mad that he had got me pregnant). The three of us worked in the same place and the OW was fired I heard for some drug related charge. Around Christmas, he missed me and came back to stay with me to work things out and be honest about everything. A month later, the OW called him to say she was pregnant with his child and is keeping it. Now he's terribly guilty and wants to keep both of us happy. He has gone to visit her once, answers her calls and tells me he likes both of us and hasn't made a decision yet. My question is does anyone know of marriages that survive this ? My husband won't recommit to me and doesn't want to hurt either party - cares for both me and the OW and can't figure out what to do. I'm happy he's back with me but get hurt again and again. Do you'll know anyone who's gone through this without breaking the marriage? I haven't found any post addressing a situation like ours.
Guest Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 What you husband is doing is commonly called fence sitting. He isn't going to take sides because no one is making him and he will continue to keep his butt planted right where it is (going back and forth between two women) until someone knocks him off the fence.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Hi duramater, (You must be in the neuroscience field?) I have not been in your situation, but I am married 10 years. IF I find myself in your situation, I'd distance myself from my husband, both emotionally and physically. It is easier said than done. Check out this site: marriagebuilders.com - it has a very good section on working on your marriage after infidelity. Good luck.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 What you husband is doing is commonly called fence sitting. He isn't going to take sides because no one is making him and he will continue to keep his butt planted right where it is (going back and forth between two women) until someone knocks him off the fence. I agree with Guest. He's a fence-sitting cake-eater. Have you ever heard the expression "he wants to have his cake and eat it too"? When referring to a situation like yours, what that means is that your husband is having some of his ENs (emotional needs) met by you, his wife, and some ENs met by the OW. The best way to stop a cake-eater from eating cake....is to take the cake off of his plate. Your husband essentially has what he wants. TWO WOMEN meeting his ENs. And while it's REALLY scary to contemplate forcing a decision upon him, you have to realize that as long as his affair is ongoing, you don't have a viable opportunity to reconcile the marriage anyway. So, in addressing your fear of losing him, what you have to recognize is this: You can't lose something that is already lost. This man is already "lost" to you as a husband. Look at what you posted earlier: He has gone to visit her once, answers her calls and tells me he likes both of us and hasn't made a decision yet. Now, how disrespectful is that??? He "likes" you both??? Honey, you aren't a heifer at the farmer's market for him to "like". You are his wife. And you DESERVE more respect from him than that. Sympathy is a terrific tool in the reconciliation process. But as long as the affair is ongoing, it will NOT serve you to end the affair. You might feel sorry for him because you love him and he's in conflict, but you can't allow your tender emotions to stand in the way of doing what you need to do. My suggestion to you first and foremost would be to educate yourself on affairs. You might start with reading a copy of Surviving An Affair by Harley. You'll need to set some boundaries on what kind of behavior you're willing to accept. And you'll need to enforce those boundaries once you've set them. If you want him to maintain NC (no contact) with the OW....you'll have to be prepared to enforce that by taking "the cake" off his plate. What that means is that he can't have contact with OW and still have YOU as his wife. Your situation is complicated by OWs pregnancy. I would recommend that you meet with a lawyer to discuss the ramifications of that. And on a separate note....think carefully on if you REALLY want this guy. He sounds fairly selfish to me. If this whole debacle has been an aberation, that's one thing. But if this is 'par for the course' in his personality, part of his character, then you might be better off without this kind of aggravation in your life.
Guest Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Fence sitting and the comment from LadyJ prompted a thought about all this. Is it him sitting on the fence or you? Are you the one who is ambivalent and need to decide to let go of him? He has obviously been a jerk, so what is keeping you from kicking him out of your life? You are probably not prepared for an unfavorable outcome (even I was not), and hence you linger on, hoping that things will change. The other possibility is whether you feel responsible for what happened and this is your silent repentance. Just speaking from my own past experience. Wish you luck.
Blind Illusion Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Now he's terribly guilty and wants to keep both of us happy. He has gone to visit her once, answers her calls and tells me he likes both of us and hasn't made a decision yet. . I know you want your marriage to survive this but part of me would have been so tempted to tell him that you have;tootles. Who does he think he is that he can hold up lives like this as if he will be delivering some inmportant verdict from the mountaintop when he does decide.
Author duramater Posted April 1, 2006 Author Posted April 1, 2006 hi again.. thank you all for your thoughts on this. I'm not sure why I'm hanging on. It's easier to be in denial sometimes. Maybe it's because I believe I'll never find someone like him again (the person he was). And basically I'm happier with him than alone - is that reason enough. But he has told me more than once that I'm the only happy person in this relationship, his moments of happiness are far between. I've asked him why he came came back then and got no clear answer. I think he has started hiding things from me again just to keep me from getting upset. I get upset when he returns her calls- earlier in my pregnancy when i needed him, he didn't ever call me or return my calls. In some ways, his affair has changed our relationship for the better- actually made me appreciate him more, not take him for granted. Knowhowlovefeels- thanks for that website-it's quite loaded with information. Duramater means 'tough mother', I thought that's an appropriate name. Lady Jane, thank you so much for your thoughts. You wrote- 'And while it's REALLY scary to contemplate forcing a decision upon him, you have to realize that as long as his affair is ongoing, you don't have a viable opportunity to reconcile the marriage anyway' . Ending that affair is getting to be more complicated as he feels morally responsible now for the OW and their child and is willing to pay child support. He had come back to me for good before the OW told him she had got pregnant. NC with the OW is difficult for him he says because of the child . She keeps calling him to update him on the pregnancy and sounds quite silly really in the voicemails I heard. (Frankly I don't know what he saw in her). You've asked me to speak to a lawyer about this- why? About boundaries, i've told him not to have any contact with her except the child support payments, but like i said earlier, I think he's hiding things from me again. "Now, how disrespectful is that??? He "likes" you both??? "- you know, maybe i have a terribly low self esteem that lets me take that. But my husband doesn't believe in the concept of falling in love. Maybe it's because in the past I have loved men who didn't love me back that let's me accept anything. Blindillusion, I'm not sure what you mean by this- " I know you want your marriage to survive this but part of me would have been so tempted to tell him that you have;tootles". thank you all for listening. this is something that we can't share with our families and close friends so i'm grateful for this forum.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 You've asked me to speak to a lawyer about this- why? About boundaries, i've told him not to have any contact with her except the child support payments, but like i said earlier, I think he's hiding things from me again. I'll be honest with you. The fact is...that until OW can prove that her child is your husband's biological offspring, he owes the OW nothing. I wouldn't agree to ANY support until there was a DNA test to prove paternity. If you and your husband are together, then YOU and your child are affected financially. You have a vested interest in this too. Further, there needs to be a decision regarding what (if any) involvement that your husband wishes to have with the OC (other child). If he wants to be an involved parent, then custody and visitation agreements need to be put into place. You know, there's a forum at marriagebuilders.com that specifically addresses affairs that result in the birth of an OC. I think you might find some valuable information there.
Curmudgeon Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 I wouldn't call it a menage. I'd call it a cakeman!
Blind Illusion Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 I'll be honest with you. The fact is...that until OW can prove that her child is your husband's biological offspring, he owes the OW nothing. I wouldn't agree to ANY support until there was a DNA test to prove paternity. If you and your husband are together, then YOU and your child are affected financially. You have a vested interest in this too. Thats very true..good point LJ. And Duramater, I meant by my original post that I would be tempted to just tell him goodbye. I guess I was ultar annoyed that he was holding everyone's life in limbo while he made a decision so I was going to make it for him..lol Good luck with everything.
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