RecordingArtist Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 Hey whats up. I'm new here btw. Ok I need advice on whats going on with my life right now. or maybe just some different / unbias opinions. Ok, I met my "friend" back in july. I'm 22 and she was 32 at the time. When I first met her she just wanted a "f*** buddy" and at the time I was cool with it. Somewhere along the line though, she fell for me, and hard, and wanted to be with me. Well, I wasnt sure if I wanted to hook up with someone right then, and I just treated her as I always did. Well, I lost my good paying job, and she took care of my phone and internet bill for me until I found a new job. Well, this put a damper on her pocket as can be expected. I am also btw, a recording artist, and went out of town to do a show in ohio. Generally she would be able to go with me but this time she couldnt get off of work. Well, she sent me off to ohio and practicly made me take a condom with me saying that she didnt want me to bring her anything back if something came up. i told her i didnt want it, and she still insisted. Well, once in ohio, all I could do was think of her, I got hit on by two beautiful girls and didnt even try to get with them, all I could do was think of my girl back home. So when I came back, I confessed that I was in love with her. here is some back story though, its kind of complicated... when i met her she was living alone, but had previously broken up with her ex who she was going to marry, but she was still friends with him and she even told me that she still slept with him every once in a while. At one point though, we have both agreed to not sleep with anyone else, that we would only have sex with each other, no one else. She then moved into a new two level apartment. downstairs is her room, and upstairs, you guessed it, is her ex and his brother. now, back to the story. every time I ask her about it, she says that she doesnt want to date but to stay friends. even though she admits to being in love with me, and I do the same, and were not sleeping with anyone else. I am confident that she isnt lieing about these things, because I can tell if someone is lieing to me 99% of the time. anyways, even though we have sex alot, kiss on each other, hold hands, tell each other how we feel about things, cook for each other, buy things for each other, worry about each other, and miss each other, she still doesnt want to put the tag of "boyfriend and girlfriend" on it. She has even talked with me about having kids, and has went as far as putting her fathers ring (which she is to give her husband someday) on my finger and told me "we'll have to get this resized", yet still if someone, even a random person at a bar says "hey youve got a real cool girl" she will say "oh im not his girl were just friends". another crappy thing about the current situation is that she recently got a second job, which is taking away from our time together terribly. I went from being able to see her every day, to just being able to see her 2-3 days out of the week. now, the last time we got into this discussion, here is what she had to say... "i dont want to date you right now because you dont have a good job, you only make 125 dollars a week, and i need more security than that. when you lost your last job and i was helping take care of you, it almost broke me. I know that if right now i lost my job, that there would be no way of you taking care of me until i got back on my feet, also you need to have your own place, and get your religious self together (buddhism)" and something that we have recently gotten into it about, is her hanging out with her "artsy friends" and not inviting me along. when i asked her about it, she claims that they are "extra catholic and extra artsy" and that i cant stop from saying f*** or goddammit every 5 words, and that even without meaning to, sometimes I say things that are just too extreme and end up being offensive to some people. she says that she only hangs out with them because they work in the same field as her, and are both big history buffs, and thats she wants to be able to discuss literature with people (i dont read much, as im not a visual learner, and cant concentrate enough on things to actually gather information from reading books, i have to be shown things or have them told to me) and she thinks that i wouldnt be interested in the historical things she likes to discuss. but whatever. anyways, im ultra confused, but i love her more than anything in the world, and even after almost 9 months i still get butterflies in my stomach when i here her voice. I seriously want to marry this woman and have kids with her, and be with her forver. but im still trying to find another job, and just wishing that i could spend more time with the woman that im in love with. thanks for reading, any advice you can give me is greatly appreciated.
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 i love her more than anything in the world, and even after almost 9 months i still get butterflies in my stomach when i here her voice. I seriously want to marry this woman and have kids with her, and be with her forver. I think you need to tell her this. If she truely is inlove with you, and feels the way you described above, I say she should GO FOR IT and be with you. Everything else will fall into place. Though the problem that I see is she is nearly 10 years older than you, more established in her career, more settled in life and you aren't there yet in the $$ department. She more or less has told you that YOU have to contribute and she can't pay for you if your music isn't making enough money... And this, as much as you love her, she seems to be abit embarressed by you around her friends, family and co-workers. I don't know if worries about what others will think too much or if she hasn't accepted you for who you are. Sit down and really talk to her about all this. Be as direct and honest as you can be - Make her give you answers because it isn't fair to keep you hanging and confused. I hope this helps.
Author RecordingArtist Posted March 30, 2006 Author Posted March 30, 2006 I think you need to tell her this. If she truely is inlove with you, and feels the way you described above, I say she should GO FOR IT and be with you. Everything else will fall into place. Though the problem that I see is she is nearly 10 years older than you, more established in her career, more settled in life and you aren't there yet in the $$ department. She more or less has told you that YOU have to contribute and she can't pay for you if your music isn't making enough money... And this, as much as you love her, she seems to be abit embarressed by you around her friends, family and co-workers. I don't know if worries about what others will think too much or if she hasn't accepted you for who you are. Sit down and really talk to her about all this. Be as direct and honest as you can be - Make her give you answers because it isn't fair to keep you hanging and confused. I hope this helps. it does help. but the thing is, she isnt like that about her friends or family, just 2 or 3 of her friends who are "snooty", and IMO think that they are better than me, or think that they are more educated than myself.
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 Ahh k. I do think you need to talk to her. Tell her how it makes you feel when she IS around those snobby friends. If you two are going to be a part of eachothers lives, those 'friends' have to 'deal' with it and know that YOU are there to stay. She should be defending you and standing up for you, not hiding you from them and changing to their level. The thing is, how close are those 3 friends? Casual buddies, or very close friends? That makes a big difference as they could influence her.
Author RecordingArtist Posted March 30, 2006 Author Posted March 30, 2006 Ahh k. I do think you need to talk to her. Tell her how it makes you feel when she IS around those snobby friends. If you two are going to be a part of eachothers lives, those 'friends' have to 'deal' with it and know that YOU are there to stay. She should be defending you and standing up for you, not hiding you from them and changing to their level. The thing is, how close are those 3 friends? Casual buddies, or very close friends? That makes a big difference as they could influence her. one of them is an anime nerd, and the other two are history buffs and roommates
Delectable Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 i love her more than anything in the world, and even after almost 9 months i still get butterflies in my stomach when i here her voice. I seriously want to marry this woman and have kids with her, and be with her forver. This would have a profound effect on me if my Mr. Wonderful ever said anything close to this. We've been together about 8mos and I've never heard those words. Tell her But you do need some stability for yourself and for your relationship if you plan on building one...I am an event planner and work in the Entertainment Industry. I mean this nicely but I see many a recording artist who are devoted to their craft fall "head over heels" for a good woman who can financially take care of them. For some of them it is true love and for some of them it's convinience in either case it is unfair. You should follow your dream to the fullest but nobody else should have to pay for that.
Walk Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 I think she has a valid point on being scared of getting into a relatioship with you. To me it's a huge red flag if the guy needs my money in order to pay his bills, especially early into the relationship like the two of you were. I've had too many men think they could get a free ride while I worked my azz off. She may be feeling as though she's holding you up from following your dreams if she commits to a serious relationship. Which wouldn't be fair to you. Or it could be the brother and ex upstairs. Or all of these combined. As far as her snooty friends go... Some times in a relationship there are intellectual aspects that can't be completely fulfilled by our partner. This might be one of those. I think it'd be better to allow her the freedom to hang out with these people. Assuming the time spent with them isn't excessive. But we're all individuals and enjoy different things. She may feel you don't enjoy this aspect, and if she brought you along that you would hate it. Possibly causing her to lose something she does enjoy. If you really want to be included, then tell her but explain that you're just going to listen. Unless you feel you could contribute to the conversation, the the only reason for her to bring you would be so that you could see and learn, but not take over, or try to turn the conversation to things you enjoy or know.
Walk Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 This would have a profound effect on me if my Mr. Wonderful ever said anything close to this. We've been together about 8mos and I've never heard those words. Tell her My bf wrote me a letter a year into our relationship saying about the same thing. Talk about romantic. How I could take his breath away when I walked into the room. How he felt like the luckiest guy in the world to have me by his side. It was incredible. Definitely tell her this, if that is what you are feeling.
Author RecordingArtist Posted March 30, 2006 Author Posted March 30, 2006 I think she has a valid point on being scared of getting into a relatioship with you. To me it's a huge red flag if the guy needs my money in order to pay his bills, especially early into the relationship like the two of you were. I've had too many men think they could get a free ride while I worked my azz off. She may be feeling as though she's holding you up from following your dreams if she commits to a serious relationship. Which wouldn't be fair to you. Or it could be the brother and ex upstairs. Or all of these combined. As far as her snooty friends go... Some times in a relationship there are intellectual aspects that can't be completely fulfilled by our partner. This might be one of those. I think it'd be better to allow her the freedom to hang out with these people. Assuming the time spent with them isn't excessive. But we're all individuals and enjoy different things. She may feel you don't enjoy this aspect, and if she brought you along that you would hate it. Possibly causing her to lose something she does enjoy. If you really want to be included, then tell her but explain that you're just going to listen. Unless you feel you could contribute to the conversation, the the only reason for her to bring you would be so that you could see and learn, but not take over, or try to turn the conversation to things you enjoy or know. thanks so much for the input. as for the money issue, I never asked her for the money she pretty much made me take it from her. Myself I was doing some hustling between the two jobs to eat, but just wasnt making enough money to pay my bills. of course I can see where she wants me to atleast make as much as her, so that if she loses her job, she could count on me to help her out as well.
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