confusedx Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 hello i am 18. i have a huge crush thats lasted just a few months less than a year. i really adored her as soon as i saw her a few times. i think the word is i fell in love. it was first time in my whole life. this was before any conversation or anything. then i got chance to talk to herand she was actually really nice and interested and looked at me in a real comfortable way. but the thing is i am not a great conversationalist. i tend to be extremely quiet and have to think of stuff to say and it rarely interests a girl. the first few times she talked to me she was enthusiastic. she had comfortable eye contact. but then i guess she realised something about me and nowadays she is simply nice but not very interested in talking to me. she has this way of saying bye with no facial expression and not looking at me. in fact, i was actually molested as young child. ive never kissed a girl or held hands or hugged a girl and part of this stems from being molested. i am since over this but the fact i never developed the same skills as other people is still there. i have never told anyone about this. but i have this urge right now. it sounds stupid and crazy, but even though ive never told anyone i feel like talking to her in private and tellling her that the reason i might seem weird or inept is becasue of this. i doubt if most people understand what its like or not, and i honestly can say im pretty sure she and indeed anyone else apart from a professional(which i wont see) will telll others what i tel her/them despite anything i say not to. i genuinely dont want to tell anybody, i never have wanted to. but she is the only one i have ever wanted to tell. and PLEASE dont turn this thread into a pointless persuasion for me to tell others like a professional or those close to me, it wont work to persuade me and i will ignore it, so do not write it in first place whether it is right or not. thank you.
nice honest man Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 well, it's high school...if you tell her, you're basically telling everyone. I think its great to tell someone (I did) - but the right person at the right time in the right place good luck
babbah Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 right, you should tell her. you'll never feel comftable at all times when there's something thats bothering you...if theres something that you wanted to tell but you just cant. better tell her..at least you'll know what to expect. if things did not turn out right. at least you've tried. i guess she'll understand....just be honest and be yourself. im wishing you all the luck.
Elyssa Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 I wouldn't tell her just yet. If you do ever develop something more serious with her, like a real friendship, and you see that she becomes comfortable with you again and seeks to spend time with you, then it will be the right time to tell her. Right now, it might scare her off. You have issues to deal with, and most people is not willing to carry a burden that is not theirs or a close friend's. Be nice to her, try to be more talkative... hell, watch the news so you have something to talk about. In short, build your friendship with her. You won't ever have anything with her if she only sees you as a weirdo who doesn't talk. Of course you have your reasons to be the way you are (and trust me, I understand them because I went thru a similar situation when I was a teenager), but sometimes you need to make a genuine effort to make yourself approachable if you want somebody to feel comfortable enough with you to want to be your friend (and perhaps more some day). Good luck! -E
ImWithHer Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 Keep it to yourself for now. Being molested is a hugely traumatic event and also a hugely PERSONAL event. Telling her before you two develop a deep friendship would be extremely awkward for her - you need to build some level of trust first. Social skills take time to develop, especially when they've been delayed (trust me I know). Most people your age are past the rudimentary things and are working on the finer points, so this can increase the difficulty and awkwardness. Just be patient and don't give up. Interact with people as much as possible, don't become a 'loner". You'll master it with time. Pick up a copy of Andrew Carnagie's book "How to Win Friends and Influence People", its perhaps the greatest people skills book ever written. One of the most important things it taught me is that people are infinately more interested in themselves than they are in you. So when you're looking for a subject to talk about, talk about HER. Ask her questions that let her know you're interested in her as a person. A good way to do this is to make a brief statement about yourself and then ask her about her feelings or experiences on it. Good ones are: I watched [some television program or movie] last night, what do you think about it? I just read [book], are you reading anything interesting these days? I absolutely love [animal], do you have any pets? I can't believe how [some person acted], what do you think about that? Bad topics include: Past sexual experiences. What perscription medication either one of you is using. How much you hate her family. Body oders and/or odd growths. Future surgical procedures you may need. Also keep in mind that you can't go wrong with compliments. Women love 'em! "I really like your shirt" or "Your smile just brightens up the room", can work wonders. Avoid complimenting specifc body parts - "nice tits" is likely to get you slapped. Finally, as a side note about consuling, its not just for working out issues. Sometimes just having someone impartial to talk to can work wonders for even the most well balanced individual. Good luck!
ImWithHim Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 I would have to agree with the other replies thus far. She isn't going to understand why you're telling her such personal information and you will likely scare her off. Work on building a foundation before diving into topics such as that. And I do agree with the initial response of if you tell her, the entire school will know. Even if she's a wonderful girl, again, you two are not close and she's more than likely going to tell at least a few of her friends that some guy she hardly knows told her he was molested as a child. They in turn will feel even less hesitant to tell others since they don't know you directly, and so on down the line. Before long, everyone will know.
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