Walking away Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Okay, It has been a week of complete NC and I am having a struggle today. I really miss him and I am sad today. Any words of encouragement?
Adunaphel Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Okay, It has been a week of complete NC and I am having a struggle today. I really miss him and I am sad today. Any words of encouragement? It is great that a week has passed since you started no contact. Don't give in, in a couple of days' time you'll be glad you resisted. Visualize yourself while your are breaking no contact and calling him. Imagine the worst scenario possible. Like, he acts like a total jerk, or he informs you that he has found some third woman he likes better than you, or he is amazingly rude. Or, image yourself three days after- you broke no contact, and you are in an emotional hell again. You feel disgusted with yourself, you feel weak for not having been able to resist. I think such an exercise can be of some help.
Author Walking away Posted March 29, 2006 Author Posted March 29, 2006 Thank you. I will not contact him. But, ah, the pain of missing him has hit me hard today. I wish there were some way through this mess without all of this longing and yearning. I really thought this man was my soulmate...
zarathustra Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Walking... you are an inspiration to many and a tower of strength. You made the right choices and walking in the right direction with regards to your life. I don't think re-affirming it will make you less sad, but will help you get throught the day. Call up a friend, get some company and talk out your feelings with someone over coffee. It helps. Take care and many hugs.
Author Walking away Posted March 29, 2006 Author Posted March 29, 2006 Thank you so much. I am positive I have done the right thing in this situation for me, my children, my MM and his family. I just feel so melancholy today. I have been heartbroken before in my life, and I know what to expect in the coming days and weeks and I am really trying to keep my head above water. And I know that things will get better. Intellectually, I know this. My head has officially left this relationship. I just wish my silly heart would catch up... Thank you again for your support. I hate this weakness.
OzGirl Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 WA - if I was to be totally honest - every day I think about the ex-MM and wonder how he can still be away from me - he said he loved me, acted like it and we were like soulmates. In some way, I still believe we were and that these things don't happen like in the movies. Maybe the great love of my life has been and gone, and there's just nothing I can do about it. I can let our contact continue, but that's not what I want - with him. I've also resolved the fact that when I met him, a part-time relationship suited me fine. Now, I think I still feel the same - I don't want someone else full time. I will never see a MM again, though, either. I only wanted more with this particular person (my MM). This is going to sound cruel - but I find strength in the fact that HE isn't contacting me either - he doesn't miss me like I do him. He wouldn't stand it if he did and would no longer be with another woman. It puts it in perspective. Get some information (look up google or something) on the outcome for the person who's left. Search "Relationship abandonment" or something like that, because you have been, and feel, abandoned. PLEASE be strong - I follow your threads and really have, sometimes, gotten through a day without feeling so weak and lost, knowing how strong others have managed to be facing the same intensely painful and gut-wrenching emotional stress and sorrow. He had a choice and made it. There had to be a loser. I'm it, and I guess you're it, too. We live to heal and be free of the lies and let go. Their wives are another day away from the starting point of ever realising this about these men every day they are still there. Cheat on your spouse and risk being caught and they'll leave you - that's the value they placed on their marriages. Simple as that. The wives hang around to repair the damage. Maybe they should leave and repair themselves. Either way, you and I are on that road and it's a long and winding one - but we'll get there eventually. Ride your way through this wave. The best revenge in this situation is for you to just be living well.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 WA, I think about my MM all the time!! (It's been 4 months, already!) Actually, I emailed him one week after he went home (that's 5 months ago) because I missed him soooo much. He didn't reply. I kept going... sending one each day, with just one or 2 lines of words. Then one day he emailed me back and told me to stop emailing him and that he won't write back either. So I did. But let me tell you, there are days when I really want to say something to him. However, I have to respect his wishes for NC so what ever it is that I want to write to him, I would write in on my laptop and then delete the whole thing when I was done. Just a suggestion.
zarathustra Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Hey OzGirl and KHLF, you guys made some great suggestions. I too wonder how he can be away from me, OzGirl. Mine told me that he loved me everyday until we decided to part ways. I wonder how he could tell me that I was everything to him and then treat me like he's never had a personal conversation with me before when I do see him at work. I think only someone who is complete self centered can be like this and am trying to take comfort in knowing that, if he is a cold hearted as I feel he is, I am no longer exposed to it. Walking Away, I just want to also say that its good you are allowing yourself to feel sad. If you need to have a good cry, have a good cry. Its not good to bottle it up. But don't let it consume you. Big hugs.
Author Walking away Posted March 29, 2006 Author Posted March 29, 2006 It is amazing....We are all such amazing, accomplished and intelligent women. There are so many men in our lives that would give ANYTHING to have a shot at a relationship with us, and these MM just discarded us like an old used up Kleenex. My ego is bruised as well as my heart. I went out to dinner last night with some colleagues last night and really got dressed up to keep myself feeling good and five strange men walked straight up to me and told me how beautiful I was. Superficial? Yes. But, it made me take pause and shake my head. I have no self esteem issues, really I don't, and I have let this man shake it up a bit. I promised myself that I will not go down...and I will keep myself strong. Five children are counting on it here at home. Hugs to you all!
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 WOW! Nice going, WA!! If 5 guys can compliment you like that in one night - you'd be in some gentleman's arms in no time! Aside: That was meant as a joke. I know that you want to be alone and gather your strengths together right now. So good to hear that you attracted so many guys. I get that alot, too. It is always fun to hear.
Author Walking away Posted March 30, 2006 Author Posted March 30, 2006 He e-mailed me on my "public" e-mail. It said simply: I am miserable without you. I miss you. I love you. Now what?
Author Walking away Posted March 30, 2006 Author Posted March 30, 2006 WOW! Nice going, WA!! If 5 guys can compliment you like that in one night - you'd be in some gentleman's arms in no time! Aside: That was meant as a joke. I know that you want to be alone and gather your strengths together right now. So good to hear that you attracted so many guys. I get that alot, too. It is always fun to hear. Thanks KHLF. You are right, though....all kidding aside. I do want to be alone. I would be no good for anyone for quite some time. This relationship has taken a piece of me away and I feel no need to include yet another innocent person into this mess. Feels good to be admired, huh? Kinda helped my bruised ego for a fleeting moment...
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 Actually, I am beginning to believe that I am just like you... the OW's who were dropped by their MM's. (I have to smile because this is so new to me still.) I have always believed that my MM loved me. But I think it is better for me to think otherwise. Then I can allow myself to hate him and forget about him. We had such intimate times when he was at our house 5 months ago. But he didn't want to continue the affair after he left... so that does me feel dumped. I am beginning to heal myself... I think. Keep it up, girls. I am not generally an emotional person... but I can over-analyze things. If I can ligthen up, you can, too! Our MMs are human too.
Author Walking away Posted March 30, 2006 Author Posted March 30, 2006 It is funny....I am sure you hear this all the time too....People tell me what an IDIOT this guy is to walk away from a person like me. Okay, our MM are human....I'll give you that. But, they are also stupid. (To all those who will get offended by that statement, it was meant as a joke.)
beriwhit123 Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 Be strong, let him know you are hurt. Can you really get over what he did to you? Maybe suggest counseling, he left for a reason. How long have you been apart? I wish you LOTS OF HAPPINESS!!!
OzGirl Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 He e-mailed me on my "public" e-mail. It said simply: I am miserable without you. I miss you. I love you. Now what? Well, at the risk of probably telling you the best thing is to ignore it, this is what I would personally write back. And, I have basically said this to my MM, and nothing's changed.... so the outcome will probably be the same regardless of whether you reply or ignore it. Plus - from my experience, a reply WILL satisfy him - a fix of you is another relief in his day - and makes it easier to stay put. But, it did make me feel better to say what I said to my MM. It left me without that feeling of maybe him mistaking how I feel. The contact in the first place (after being caught by wife) was the only mistake he made on how I might feel - slipping back to where I was as the second priority in his life. My MM - he loved me whilst he wife didn't know he was seeing me, but then stopped when she found out. He didn't feel guilty for what he was doing behind her back until he was caught. It doesn't take a lot of intelligence to assess the character of a man like that and wonder - are they worth the effort....??? Dear MM, I miss you, too, but you had to lose one of us. You made your choice, and every day when the sun goes down, your absence during that day reminds me quite clearly of who you felt the least for. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's your life. If you're miserable, DO something about it. Nothing changes unless you change it. Until you do, leave me out of your life. Where you want me in it, isn't good enough for me. Maybe once it was - but now that I know where your loyalties lay, it's not. Don't reply - I'm not getting into a debate with you. This is how I feel and it won't change. You wanted a life without me, so have it.
Author Walking away Posted March 30, 2006 Author Posted March 30, 2006 Wow.... Those are wonderful words... Did you use them? And, may I borrow them if I reply?
OzGirl Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 It's the shortened version - and I'd said it many times. Trust me - you COULD be making it worse for yourself. You will send it, and maybe be hoping it will prompt him to do something about it. But, what if he doesn't? You've basically said you acknowledge he sees you as 2nd best - he might feel relieved and the guilt of what he's doing to you might be eased. But, if you say nothing, it might make him send you more desperate emails, and again, make you feel worse because you are at a starting point of "hope" when he does. Send it if you like. Maybe wait 24 hours and think about the possibilities if you do versus if you don't reply at all. I often wanted to reply to my MM, and I would type an email, then save it. The next day, emotions not running so high.... I'd delete it and realise it was the better of the two options. You know, WA, something I've found interesting lately, is I've noticed various posts on LS where people are saying the MM left the W for a month or so, but went back. I don't think I could risk that happening again (the pain of waving goodbye). I'd want to see divorce papers signed and stamped by the court as done to believe a man is free from his ex. What would you tell me to do if I'd said my MM sent me an email saying he missed me....??? Honestly. You'd possibly tell me to send him one back telling him to shove his head up his own ass. You're call. I'm keen to hear what you do.
lovernotafighter Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 WA I'm sorry your feeling so sad today...you have been so strong and supportive for all of us..you have to save some of that strengh for your self to...you can do it..remember we are tough as nails..cool women that anit gonna take anymore s*** and scraps from these guys. we owe it to our selves for more than what they are willing to give us..there love might be real but so is ours and deserves to be treated tenderly. we deserve better. I wouldn't write him back solely because it's much easier not to write and get no response then if you wrote and he didn't write you back to you..don't give him that opportunity. I am about to reach the point where you are and like I've said before I can only hope to be half as strong as you have been through this...hold fast to that and your hope. i read a nice quote I'll post it for you...I'm in your corner to..keep fighting WA it will be totally worth it in the end. "Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."
OzGirl Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 I agree with that last post now that I think about it. Don't reply. He's the one who's now not sure how you feel, what your response (if any) would be - and it will be on his mind. Let it stay that way. Once you reply - you'll be the one wondering how he feels about your reply, and he will be more so on your mind whilst you wonder what he's thinking now that you've replied. Here's the quote I have stuck on a post it note on my bathroom mirror. It reminds me that this all might have happened to me because down the track somewhere in my life - I might need even MORE strength to get through something far more difficult than this deal with the MM. Maybe it will have nothing to do with a man at all. It also reminds me that every minute of every day, there is someone, somewhere in the world dealing with something truly horrific and possibly unsurvivable. I've felt like I got run over, but I've never felt like I died completely throughout this. " You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I've lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do. Eleanor Roosevelt
Lishy Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 Wow.... Those are wonderful words... Did you use them? And, may I borrow them if I reply? Hi honey! Dont reply using those words, in fact dont reply at all! What do you have to gain? He will take it as a green light to continue contacting you when he feels like it. I feared that you would react like this within a few weeks of no seeing him. He has broken your heart and he will continue to as long as you allow him to. Can you not see how insensitive he is being? Can you not see that he does not care for the pain you are going through? If he cared he would leave you be! He has chosen to stay with his wife, and he has done you a favour so big that you just do not see right now. You have 5 children and if you bring a man into their life they at least deserve a man worthy of them. A man who cheats and lies is surely not good enough for them and mostly baby not good enough for YOU! You are beautiful (remember the 5 strangers comments? hold on to them) and you are intelligent and mostly you are a good person who has alot to offer, What can he offer you? lies and deceit? a lifetime of doubt? I pity his wife and I bet right now you envy her as she has the prize ....... well babe all she has is the booby prize. He cant be true and you need a guy who will smother you in love and honesty. Keep on posting and get your feelings out, but my advise (take it or leave it) is to continure no contact in any way, shape or form and heal yourself. Allow yourself to feel all of the emotions and you will heal. Easy to say I know ...........
Author Walking away Posted March 30, 2006 Author Posted March 30, 2006 I woke up feeling much better today. Not that achy feeling in my stomach today. You guys know how that feels. The withdrawl stage of the breakup...The part that really sucks. I have not responded to the e-mail. But, I must tell you, when I was sitting outside yesterday afternoon, my daughter brought my cell phone to me. It was my MM. We talked briefly...I was strong and firm. Told him I loved him but that I was walking away. I was completely shocked that he called. His wife is monitoring his cell phone bills like crazy I am sure. Anyway, I didn't feel much of anything after our conversation. That's not true....I was scared that he opened an avenue to hurt me more. And, I don't like that feeling. I want to protect my heart...it is quite fragile, even though my head is quite strong. And, you know, I can't lie to you guys...I felt vindicated because he is having a horrible time without me, or so he says. It makes me feel better knowing that he is struggling too....Maybe I don't feel as discarded and that eased my bruised ego some... Anyway...Today is better. Still on my path of "aloneness." Nothing has changed, so therefore, my strength to walk away has not changed. Thank you for your support. I hate it when I have days when I stumble and fall in my emotional recovery. This is my cycle of grieving I have found. A few good days and then, BAM, a horrible day, like yesterday. Those days are a setback for me and my family, but fortunately, I am able to pull myself back up by the bootstraps and move on. And, after those horrid days, I have a few days of blessed relief from the pain. Thank God. My kids have been absolutely fabulous. Today, I am still moving in the right direction...away from him. With your help, my strength is renewed.
Sami_D Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 He e-mailed me on my "public" e-mail. It said simply: I am miserable without you. I miss you. I love you. Now what? Hello. I have been away from the boards a while, so I'm sorry I don't know exactly what's happened in your story recently. So sorry if I'm missing something (like you've established NC and he's being an ass about it, for example). To me, he's asking you what you'll accept. "Now what?" You're in a strong position here (again, just my view). Tell him what you want. Tell him what you need. Don't compromise. You never know, you might just get it. And if he doesn't agree to it, what have you lost?
Sami_D Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 OK now I've read to the end of the thread. WA, if you're feeling so much better without him complicating your life... then I agree... keep on walking. And good luck.
Author Walking away Posted March 30, 2006 Author Posted March 30, 2006 Don't get me wrong...I am miserable without him. And, I will not be in the affair any longer. So, it is BEST for me to keep walking for nothing has or will change. He is staying with her. And, I love myself too much to settle any longer. It was all or nothing with me...and he knew it.
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