kitten chick Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 For anyone who read my birth control post a few weeks back... This is something that neither of my shrinky dinks have been able to figure out. I have no idea why it's so important to me to have my ex know what happened to me. I'm long since over him and I've recreated a life without him. It was so long ago it doesn't even feel real anymore, just like a bad dream. He won't speak to me so we have no current relationship in any way shape or form. I know the consequences are mine and mine alone to deal with, I chose to do this to my body and even though I didn't expect it would be a life altering situation I still know that it was my responsibility. It seems strange and counterintuitive that I want him to know. I basically think he's a monster so why is it so important to me that he knows the truth?
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 You are needing his approval, forgiveness maybe? That what happened just didn't happen - There was a REAL reason. This isn't about getting back together with him, I know that, and I do understand that need of having that person understand WHY. The thing is, in action, he's telling you he doesn't care or want to know so you may just have to be OK with the truth for yourself. At the end of the day, as long as YOU know the truth, that is what really counts.
kitten chick Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Maybe. Maybe I need him to forgive me, I know I desperately want to be able to forgive him but he has made it near impossible. I know I want him to understand that there was a real reason and that he didn't even know me at all. I know that he doesn't care, he's made that abundantly clear since the day we broke up, and that I have NO other choice but to be ok with it. I really want to be ok with it but I just can't seem to let this go. I do understand that need of having that person understand WHY When you wrote this I thought maybe it's a control issue??? I have no idea. Why do we need the other person to understand why? And for me, especially when they don't even care.
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 It's not a control issue at all, if it read like that, it wasn't supposed to...For me, I know it's a need to NOT want someone mad or disappointed in me. If I make a mistake and want to make ammends, like it or not, I will try my best to talk to that person and try to make them understand where I was coming from. My stuff comes from childhood, having things thrown back in my face, the silent treatment or having the feeling I just wasn't good enough to please my mom. Looking for approval etc... That is it, you need him to forgive you. It's an unsettling feeling and it won't go away unless YOU make it go away...And for starters, you need to forgive yourself. I think once you do that, it won't matter what he thinks or feels.
kitten chick Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I don't know if I need him to forgive me. I mean I couldn't care less whether he likes me as a person or not, he'll never be in my life again. I just want him to know the truth. I kind of feel like if I knew why it might help me to let go of the resentment. Part of me is still insanely angry about it. I worked SO hard to get the place that I was in my life when I met him, in every area, and it's all just gone because of this. Yes it was my responsibility but I did it for him to help with his problem and he doesn't have to suffer a single bit because of it. He just went on with life and my life was just stripped from me and I'm still struggling with it. The one thing that you're right about is that I need to forgive myself for making this mistake. I learned a big lesson and I will never do anything for anyone again if it puts me in jeopardy in any way shape or form.
kitten chick Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 What happened to you? I don't have the strength to rewrite this and it's a pretty long post. That's why I sent my question out to anyone who read it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t83863/
tanbark813 Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Sorry that you went through that. Maybe you want your ex to know since he didn't have to go through the same thing you did so you want him to share in some of the pain. Not so much for revenge, but more because you feel its unfair that you went through something alone that was essentially done because of a relationship. Or maybe you want him to know the truth because right now it's like he broke up with a person who wasn't even you and that's eating away at your pride and/or sense of identity (at least towards him). Or maybe it's projecting your feelings towards the drug companies responsible onto your ex. You know you can't really do anything against them (short of a lawsuit if you went that route). So it's possible that anger could be transferred to someone actually close to you and there's a desire to get some kind of support or validation from someone who was close to you at the time this all happened. Just my two shiny little pennies.
amaysngrace Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 i went through something similar as you but different. when i was a teenager i had an eating disorder but didn't recognize it until later on. i guess i felt like you did, in a way, because i had this "outside force", if you will, present during my six year relationship with a guy i cared deeply for. it didn't work out and we went our own ways. but, after i found out what was wrong with me exactly, i did let him know. i'm not quite sure why, but i guess i felt i owed him an explanation for my irratical behavior. maybe this is where you are too?
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I don't know if I need him to forgive me. I mean I couldn't care less whether he likes me as a person or not, he'll never be in my life again. I just want him to know the truth. I kind of feel like if I knew why it might help me to let go of the resentment. Okay, you tell him the truth, and he listens to you. What reaction do you expect him to have. What do you want him to say to you? if you need him to say "I forgive you, to say I understand now" then give it one last try. If he still isn't willing to do that, then yes, move past this and forgive yourself.
kitten chick Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I appreciate all of the feedback but the whole thing is really upsetting me right now and I can't be this way at work. Maybe I can come back to it a little later.
Art_Critic Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 move past this and forgive yourself. That is the key.. you have to forgive yourself first and foremost..
amaysngrace Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Maybe I can come back to it a little later. i am going to do this too. i'm in need of fresh air bad!! and i'm not getting any sitting here AGAIN. ALL DAY. this is quite addictive this forum stuff, huh??
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I appreciate all of the feedback but the whole thing is really upsetting me right now and I can't be this way at work. Maybe I can come back to it a little later. I'm sorry. Stay busy at work and you'll feel better. Maybe head outside for a walk at lunchtime.
Sassy Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Seems to me you are wanting closure from that relationship. Until you get it you can't move on . Maybe write him a letter telling him how you feel but never send it . It might help to get your feelings out even if it is on paper KC. Then you can have closure not saying send it to him but for you and then burn it do whatever!! Hugs to you sorry you are feeling this way and he hurt you. You know you deserve better than he .
kitten chick Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Ok I took some time away and came back and reread the thread before I leave the office. These are all really valid points...Maybe you want your ex to know since he didn't have to go through the same thing you did so you want him to share in some of the pain. Not so much for revenge, but more because you feel its unfair that you went through something alone that was essentially done because of a relationship. Or maybe you want him to know the truth because right now it's like he broke up with a person who wasn't even you and that's eating away at your pride and/or sense of identity (at least towards him). Or maybe it's projecting your feelings towards the drug companies responsible onto your ex. You know you can't really do anything against them (short of a lawsuit if you went that route). So it's possible that anger could be transferred to someone actually close to you and there's a desire to get some kind of support or validation from someone who was close to you at the time this all happened. I feel all of those things, anger, wanting him to bare some responsibility and feel some of the pain, hurt pride. Unfortunately there's nothing that can be done about any of them as far as I can see. I'm not sure having him know would resolve any of those things. WWIU and A_C both had valid points as well. I still don't really know why I have this intense need for him to know what happened to me but I know that every time I read that I need to forgive myself first it makes me well up. I know I made a mistake and people make mistakes. I learned from it but it's hard to put it in the past when I'm still dealing with the physical and emotional fallout and most likely will be for the indefinite future. From this experience I know that he (and all of the others) have left me with the knowledge that if I were ever to get sick or have something bad happen to me that I will be dropped completely by anyone who isn't blood related. What would I expect from him? Nothing. Just acknowledgement that he knows what happened. He's a very cold person so I don't expect much, I honestly am not sure if he even remembers who I am. The reality is that I know if I ever were to see him face to face and tell him he'd probably just get angry and defensive, place all blame on me and not acknowledge that he even had a problem. So why would I even put myself through that?
Tim'sAngel Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Hello Kitten Chic. I just got through reading ur bc post and first I want to say thanks posting your experience. I'm sure it took awhile to have the guts to share that part of your life. I read alot about what you women had to say about bc and how bad it is for you. I am not currently on bc pills. I tried the seanonal ones and had a period for like 2 1/2 weeks, so i got off of that. Then when i entered into a new relationship I started one called estrostep and started cramping really bad like a period cramp so i quit that one as well. Now we are just using spermicide until i figure out what to do next. I haven't been diagnosed, but have all the symptoms of endometriosis and have horrible periods with unbearible cramping. I haven't done any research on any of this but what you are all saying is really opening up my eyes. What do you women do for birth control? I can't have anymore children, it just isn't an option for several reasons, the most important being I have scoliosis and my back got severely worse since I had my son. Kitten chic, sorry to be horning in on your thread. It's just after reading all of this I can't ignore it. I should start a new thread on this subject. Women should know about this kind of stuff since our Doctors won't be truthful with us about it. I'm so sorry your Dr. didn't warn you of what could happen. Thanks again so much for sharing your experience I'm sure you and women like you could help alot of other women out!! And I totally understand the need you have for your ex to know what happened to you. It's simple. We as women have those kind of needs. I'm sure you hate the fact that he thinks your just an anal emotional person. And it's not fair that he thinks that since it was way beyond your control. I suggest writing him a letter. I did that once to an ex bf (which was the first person I ever really loved) after he dumped me cuz I couldn't have anymore children. It hurt so bad since that part was also beyond my control. So i wrote him an email telling him all of my feelings and emotions. I felt so much better after that I quit crying over the situation and was able to move on. It doesn't matter if you send it or not, just getting it off your chest will help. Good luck and God bless!!
kitten chick Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Wow, thanks Tim'sAngel. I don't usually get comments like that on my posts. I'm not too knowledgeable on historectomies (sp?) but that might be an option for you since you know you don't want any more children. From the little that I do know there are some complications with it but I'm sure someone here or elsewhere can fill you in on that. Personally I'm super extra lucky and I have developed a latex allergy as well so any methods requiring latex are out for me as well. I have a friend with both issues also, she uses the pull out method and I keep telling her that it is sheer luck that she hasn't gotten pregnant. I use non-latex condoms which are actually pretty thin and feel more natural (my own opinion and the guys opinions). If I decide to have condomless sex again they now make latex-free diaphrams. Hormonal birth control is not the only method there are plenty of other ones out there. Sorry that you're having a tough time with it.
Tim'sAngel Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Hmm... I forgot about diaphrams. What exactly are they and how do you get one? I also tried condoms and I have an allergy. I kept getting horrible infections from them. So then I tried the non-latex one and got the same result. So condoms are out. We tried the pulling out method for awhile but it made me waaaaay too nervous. My friend tried that with her fiance and got pregnant the first time they had sex :eek: My bf would be open to getting a visectomy (sp?) but he has health problems that won't permit it. So yea... I don't have alot of options. I'm just so scared because if I do become pregnant I will have to abort which goes against everything I believe and stand for. So I guess birth control pills, as harmful as they may be, would be better than that.
lex007 Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Birth control has seriously messed me up. Taken it on and off since I was 16 and everytime I became an emotional wreck. Tried it again this year (24 now) and all was going well till I started getting anxiety attacks. Sweating, jittery, nauseated, scared of the future - depressing, sad thoughts. Got to where I was scared the phone would ring. I'm not this person - usually I'm a head-on balls to the wall kind of chick. Man, I couldn't even look at my boyfriend cause I kept seeing faults and an inevitable break-up - all cause of the hormones. It was scary - I didn't associate my behavior with the pill so I thought I just went nuts... like something had snapped and I'd never get myself back. Been off that crap for almost a month but I still feel weird. Warning labels should be offered on the 'other' mental side effects like serious anxiety, panic disorders, and SEVERE mood swings. Anyway, I think you want to tell him so that its off your chest. The only problem is, unless they've gone through it themselves, another person will have a real hard time 'getting it.' I've tried to explain it before, to many people, and they sympathize but I can tell they don't really understand how much the hormones can really alter you. This could lead to increased frustration on your part with the ex. If you still need to get it off your chest, what about writing a letter?
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