ladyofthenight Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Well I finally found my courage and told my MM last night that it is over. There are questions in my life that I need to have answers to. I know I may never have the answers I am looking for but I have to try. And there are questions and dobuts in his mind that I feel he needs to find anwers to. I would sooner deal with the hurt, the emptiness, the lonliness now then to have some unanswered question bite me in the tush later in life. I do not want to be the reason he is not trying to save his marriage. That I know will only haunt me later down the line. Truth be told we came back into each other's lives when we both were hurting and had emotional needs that had to be filled. Was it wrong, from a moral stand point yes. But on the other hand how can loving someone be wrong? I have no regrets to loving him, I will never have regrets for that. I have regrets as to the timing of the relationship and the surrounding circumstances. I do also have regret into the hurt I have caused everyone involved with the choice I made to get involved with him.
Owl Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 LOTN- Glad to hear your choice to move on!!! As far as regrets...well, I want to help you to understand some of what you're going through, and what you'll be going through in the near future. Affairs are addictive. VERY addictive...as a matter of fact, the same chemicals that are produced in the brain during one are the same ones that trigger some of the same dependencies on drugs that are 'psychologically addictive'...like cigarettes, or cocaine. With that understanding, you need to realize that you're viewing things in the same light that an addict would...and that you're going to be going through a withdrawl phase just like an addict would when they give up their drug of choice. You're going to be going through some HUGE ups and downs over the next weeks. It's going to be HARD...so you really need to get family and friends in line to help you out if it's at all possible. And in truth, your ability to view your relationship, your "feelings" for OM, all of that is going to be colored by your current situation. As time goes on, you'll be able to view what you've gone through, what you've felt, all of that much more objectively. My wife had an affair. She too was convinced that she was 'in love' with OM. She was convinced that there was nothing 'wrong' with what she'd done...she too didn't regret her love for him. Regardless of what it cost everyone else (the kids, or me). Over time, she began to finally realize that what she had for him wasn't 'love'. It was an obsession, a fatuation...it wasn't anything like the love she'd felt for me all along. But she couldn't see that at the time, or for a good while afterwards. Keep all of this in mind as you move forward in your recovery. And again, bear in mind that if you do decide to try to reconcile with your H, that you build your R with him on honesty and an equal partnership this time. Good luck to you, and hang in there!!
lizad Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Truth be told we came back into each other's lives when we both were hurting and had emotional needs that had to be filled. Was it wrong, from a moral stand point yes. But on the other hand how can loving someone be wrong? I have no regrets to loving him, I will never have regrets for that. I have regrets as to the timing of the relationship and the surrounding circumstances. I do also have regret into the hurt I have caused everyone involved with the choice I made to get involved with him. Sounds just like my situation.......as OWL said, it is an addiction and you will get through it just like I am convinced I will get through mine...... I walked away about 10 days ago and believe me I think about him and the A....however it is the right choice to make. good luck to you..... by the way, did either of your spouses know about the A?
Walking away Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Lizad, It has been a week for me with NC. Having a difficult day, but I know it will pass. They say it takes 3 weeks to break an addiction. One week down, two to go. Hang tough....all of us!
lizad Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I can understand how you are feeling.......I have had NC either and even though I know this was the right thing for me, you dont just wipe out two years....... what I try to do is when I start getting meloncholy, I shift my thinking to the things that I didn't like about him (and there were many) and the stress the A. took on me and I am able to be ok. I keep myself very busy and am married with two children so not much time to sit and pine. you need to keep yourself busy. you sound like you know this is what you want so hang in there. remember we only feel what we think about.....so try to change your thoughts when you get sad .....a feeling is just a feeling and it does pass...........
Author ladyofthenight Posted March 31, 2006 Author Posted March 31, 2006 I never really looked at an A as an addiction but you are very right. I know this is one of the hardest decsions I have ever made. I am trying to get through this but my MM will not stick to the NC, he calls, he emails. I have done okay so far by not answering the phone or reading the emails. Matter of fact I have deleted them before temptation gets the best of me. As to reconciling with my H we are talking, for the first time in years really talking. Not just hearing what is being said but actually trying to see the other's point of view. Owl, thanks again for the website, we (my H &I) are working on the questionarre's and reading the articles together. To answer your question Lizad, my H and I were legally sperated and in the process of the D when I got involved with my MM. My H knows I was involved with him, I have been truthful with my H on the relationship. As to my MM's W, she has/had her suspicions. I did not reveal the truth to her I feel that is his place. Maybe I am wrong but I can not see causing trouble for him since I have ended the relationship with him.
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