sunnie23 Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 hi guys, i've been dating my super-cute, super-awesome boyfriend for four months now. When I am with him I feel amazing. The problem is when I'm not with him. As soon as we're apart, I begin analyzing everything he said and did for a sign that he isn't into me. I've been doing this since we met. I used to panic about these things, but a couple of weeks ago I went to hypnotherapy and although the panicing has stopped, the over thinking hasn't. I mean I will take anything - he's too tired to have sex, he doesn't respond to a text message - and turn it into a sign that we're doomed. Yesterday was pretty bad. I had decided on Monday night that since he hadn't called me that day (we usually talk every day but it's not uncommon to miss a day if we've been hanging out a lot) he didn't want to be with me, probably never had and was going to break up with me. We ended up going for dinner last night and watched tv after. I was a nervous wreck, expecting horrible news, and he was just his happy self, totally comfortable, pulling me into him to cuddle. I was shocked. I am so sick of doing this i wish i could just STOP. On Saturday night one of his friends told me that she's never seen him like this with anyone, and that they all love me. He isn't expressive about his feelings though, and I have dated guys like this in the past. In my experience if they aren't expressing it it's because they aren't feeling it. But then I have strong feelings for him and my insecurity holds me back from saying anything. I feel like an idiot, like a total psycho, and even though every time I see him it's awesome afterwards i start feeling doomed, right away. Right now i'm sitting here thinking by being so freaked out yesterday I probably gave him some weird vibe and now he'll end it. My friends keep telling me that i am looking for problems because there aren't any and I'm not used to that. That I can't be happy without drama. They say i need to just go with the flow but i don't know how. Can anyone help?
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Get a book on cognitive therapy. Or check it out on the internet. Look up chicken little syndrome...
Walk Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Wow... you sound kind of like me. I'm not sure how I got over that really. But I know for the first 6 months I took every sign and signal that we were over with. I felt psycho too. Like I was losing my mind. I talked to my bf a little bit about it one time... he's not one for long winded professions of love, and shows more then tells. Anyway, he said that sometimes we have to trust and believe in something in order to make it come true. Put all your effort into making it work, and never allow yourself to doubt that it won't. So, I tried that and it kind of worked. It's hard, because all of us are scared of being hurt. But I also had to re-assign motives to his actions. Instead of believing that he didn't call because he didn't care, I have to accept that there are other possibilities. I have to trust him. Believe in us and not jump to conclusions. If my insecurities get the better of me and I start obsessing, then I have to find something else to focus my energy on until I can get my feelings under control again. And if worst comes to worst, I call him and ask. ie "Last night you didn't call me and I thought you would. I was wondering if you were busy, or if you were upset with me?" I always add a non-negative reasoning for his motives when I ask. Attempting to show that I'm not automatically assigning evil intentions to his actions and condeming him for something he didn't do. I still get caught in that mind set sometimes... it's hard not to when your heart is on the line. Time will help with that some. But you'll have to work to change your line of thinking on what meaning you assign his actions.
jonnie5 Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I was in the exact same situation you are in, except in am the guy. I acted exactly like you are because my girlfriend never showed her feelings and was so reserved. I think this was just her personality. She broke up with me about two weeks ago. I think by always questioning her feelings in my head led to our breakup because I was to nice to her and I think she could sense the insecurity.
Author sunnie23 Posted March 29, 2006 Author Posted March 29, 2006 i've been reading about the Chicken Little Syndrome and I can really identify with it. johnnie, you scare me with your post because it sort of validates what we are afraid of. maybe your fear was actually you picking up a vibe from your ex? did she tell you why she wanted to end the relationship?
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 You have to find out WHY you feel insecure without him. You have to learn to trust and have faith. He wouldn't be 'with' you if he wasn't into you. These kind of insecurities are deep rooted, either from past relationships or from your childhood. The key thing to remember is, he isn't your past, he is the NOW. I agree, maybe pick up a book on CBT or even go talk to someone about it.
jonnie5 Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 sunnie, she said she wanted to break up because she was confused and she didn't want a boyfriend. I kind of saw it coming because a few weeks before she stopped calling me as much and she didn't want to see me as much. When she started to pull away, I could feel it and it made me even more insecure and needy. What is CHicken Little Syndrome?
RecordProducer Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I acted exactly like you are because my girlfriend never showed her feelings and was so reserved. I think this was just her personality. She broke up with me about two weeks ago. Sunnie, his GF was REALLY NOT into him! Your BF IS. If she were into him, she would've shown her feelings one way or another. I don't buy it that it's her personality. She broke up with him for the same reason. Don't build your case on other people's cases. You might have some disorder as well as you sound slightly paranoid to me, but hey, I ain't an expert so don't listen to me!
leeroy1985 Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 This is exactly how i felt when me and my girlfriend started going out. Even whe i dropped her off at home after spending the day with me if she said cya without giving me a kiss then i got all worked up that she didnt want to be with me. We've been together nearly a year now so i dont think you should worry about your relationship ending anytime soon. In my opinion men are really easy when it comes to stuff like this in that if he didnt want to be with you he would end it. If he was unhappy with you he would tell you. Well that is how me and the guys i know are like. Try to relax a little because i have to agree with RecordProducer, i think your being paranoid and by the fact that im still with my girlfriend after nearly a year when i went through what your going through, id say your most definately being paranoid. Hope that helps.
jonnie5 Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Recordproducer, I know she was into me at one time, but not at the end. I know this because she told me and she would call me 3 times as many times as I would call her. She also wanted to see me more often that I wanted to see her. I asked her about this and she said she is not all touchy feely and she hates PDA. She said she has always been like that. So in her case, it was her personality.
Author sunnie23 Posted March 31, 2006 Author Posted March 31, 2006 Thanks for all your responses guys, it made me feel much better. Thing is, I think I have to end this relationship. I've been feeling so down for so long now that I am exhausted - the only time I am happy anymore is when I am getting his attention. This week he's been kind of distant, usually I get cute txt's and he's initiating our dates...all week this week it's been me, and I'm wondering now if I wasn't doing all the work if he'd even care to talk to me or see me. The thing that's holding me back is everything his friends keep telling me about never seeing him this way with anyone. I just don't see what they do - he never tells me how he feels, ever. I'm starting to think that maybe he somehow feeds my insecurity and paranoia and that i'd be better off alone. But I don't know, and I really want this to work out. I'm just at my wits end!!!!
SuperMonk Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 This is exactly how i felt when me and my girlfriend started going out. Even whe i dropped her off at home after spending the day with me if she said cya without giving me a kiss then i got all worked up that she didnt want to be with me. We've been together nearly a year now so i dont think you should worry about your relationship ending anytime soon. In my opinion men are really easy when it comes to stuff like this in that if he didnt want to be with you he would end it. If he was unhappy with you he would tell you. Well that is how me and the guys i know are like. Try to relax a little because i have to agree with RecordProducer, i think your being paranoid and by the fact that im still with my girlfriend after nearly a year when i went through what your going through, id say your most definately being paranoid. Hope that helps. Hypocrite.
BeFree Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 THis happens alot when people first start dating. Just try and enjoy your time with him. After you have been together for awhile you will feel better.
TheTallOne Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 THis happens alot when people first start dating. Just try and enjoy your time with him. After you have been together for awhile you will feel better. Generally how long does that take? I don't think my mind can take much more... wish there was a on/off switch.
LN8840K Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 Paranoia will destroy ya. When I feel vulnerable I am in a constant state of paranoia, expecting to be rejected at any moment, then I will either pull away or I will cling with all my might. I dont know if anyone can find the answer post a link, at least you're not alone
Author sunnie23 Posted April 2, 2006 Author Posted April 2, 2006 well as i had mentioned in an earlier post, all week i've been the one doing all the initiating. we went out last night for dinner and it felt very awkward....as this week went on i have become more and more insecure. we went for drinks with his friends ad i was hoping after a couple i'd be ok, but i was still bummed out. at the end of the night i invited him to stay over and he said no...he needed to get a good night's sleep in his bed, and he was going to a basketball game this morning. i just feel like there's nothing there on his end. and i am sick of feeling sick about this all the time. i am so ready to give up it's not even funny. he's a good guy and i dont want to lose him. i really want this to work but i'm not sure i can take the emotional drain this is causing.
Lishy Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 I think what you need to do is pull back from him. Do not call or initiate any contact and give him time to miss you. Then you will get your answers!
emmaUK Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 i am exactly the same as you, my mind works overtime thinking up silly senarios. if i dont get a call or text for a while i think my BF has changed his mind about me or he has met someone else. when we are 2getha it is so amazing but when he is gone or is going out with mates ... i cant stop my mind from this stupid thinking. i am like this in other areas of life though, i am a hypochondriac and suffer from panic attacks - so im always thinking up illnesses or finding myself in paniky situations aswell as dreaming up imaginary relationship problems. i guess maybe subconciously i feel im not worthy of having a happy healthy life so do everything i can to sabbotage things. or like someone else suggested in this thread.... subconciously i like a little bit of drama in my life so am constantly dreaming up things to give me that. who knows..... but if u find out any answers, i'll be happy to hear from you
BeFree Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 Most relationships start off with one person more involved than the other. It's really difficult to be on the exact same page at all times. This could last up to the first year. Best advice is to pull back a little and try to not make him the main priority. Men can smell that from a mile away. I heard this quote once and it really stuck with me. "in relationships, the slower one wins." Keep that in mind. If a guy is slowing down take his lead, if you try to move the relationship along faster, you will fail.
Author sunnie23 Posted April 3, 2006 Author Posted April 3, 2006 emmaUK you sound just like me. it's kind of scary but comforting that there's someone else out there like me. i get paranoid really easy also, i also worry that i'm going to get fired all the time when really my boss adores me. i tried hypnotherapy and it helped with the panic attacks. i still get them but not nearly as bad as i used to. i really wish there was a pill we could take to make this go away. a nice dose of confidence and security to make all the pain go away!
MadDog Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 emmaUK you sound just like me. it's kind of scary but comforting that there's someone else out there like me. i get paranoid really easy also, i also worry that i'm going to get fired all the time when really my boss adores me. i tried hypnotherapy and it helped with the panic attacks. i still get them but not nearly as bad as i used to. i really wish there was a pill we could take to make this go away. a nice dose of confidence and security to make all the pain go away! If you see a clinical psychologits or psychiatrist and they diagnose you with panic disorder, you should really consider getting on medication for them. You don't have to be on them forever and the results are actually quite good. MD
sazzya1987 Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 hi guys, i've been dating my super-cute, super-awesome boyfriend for four months now. When I am with him I feel amazing. The problem is when I'm not with him. As soon as we're apart, I begin analyzing everything he said and did for a sign that he isn't into me. I've been doing this since we met. I used to panic about these things, but a couple of weeks ago I went to hypnotherapy and although the panicing has stopped, the over thinking hasn't. I mean I will take anything - he's too tired to have sex, he doesn't respond to a text message - and turn it into a sign that we're doomed. Yesterday was pretty bad. I had decided on Monday night that since he hadn't called me that day (we usually talk every day but it's not uncommon to miss a day if we've been hanging out a lot) he didn't want to be with me, probably never had and was going to break up with me. We ended up going for dinner last night and watched tv after. I was a nervous wreck, expecting horrible news, and he was just his happy self, totally comfortable, pulling me into him to cuddle. I was shocked. I am so sick of doing this i wish i could just STOP. On Saturday night one of his friends told me that she's never seen him like this with anyone, and that they all love me. He isn't expressive about his feelings though, and I have dated guys like this in the past. In my experience if they aren't expressing it it's because they aren't feeling it. But then I have strong feelings for him and my insecurity holds me back from saying anything. I feel like an idiot, like a total psycho, and even though every time I see him it's awesome afterwards i start feeling doomed, right away. Right now i'm sitting here thinking by being so freaked out yesterday I probably gave him some weird vibe and now he'll end it. My friends keep telling me that i am looking for problems because there aren't any and I'm not used to that. That I can't be happy without drama. They say i need to just go with the flow but i don't know how. Can anyone help? Are you used to having fights in a relationship, being rejected, hurt, ect? Maybe your relatioship with this guy is going really well you are insecure or worried because of your past relationships he might be like those other guys you have been with? I say I agree with your friends and go with the flow.
justagirliegirl Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 I have to admit that I do this too. Worrying about things that aren't happening. I have found pulling back a little does help. I also think our honeymoon phase has passed a bit and I am wishing he would be a little more romantic and telling me his affection sometimes. He is how he is though. He is quite reserved. How do you tell a guy to be more romantic.
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 i really want this to work but i'm not sure i can take the emotional drain this is causing. Hmmm, I suspect *you*re the source of the emotional drain, not the situation... especially since you have panic attacks. If he goes, you'll still find other things to worry about, but you'll have lost what is probably a great guy in the process. Are you still in therapy? If you can't afford this, you should get out a book on anxiety and cognitive therapy.
Author sunnie23 Posted April 4, 2006 Author Posted April 4, 2006 well..i panicked for the first time again last night and i am doing it now as well. i decided on Sunday to pull back a bit, and then he made me feel foolish for even thinking about it when he called me. we chatted for a bit, and a few minutes after he called he sent me a txt....very cute and very normal for him (although not for the past couple of weeks). from our conversation i was under the impression we'd be hanging out, and so when i finished at the gym and saw that he still hadn't called i was upset. i didn't want to call him and tried with all my might but i ended up giving in. he told me he had just paid $1500 (all of his savings) on getting his car fixed and was really upset. he was very quiet on the phone and seemed quite moody. when he let me go he just said he'd call me later, no lets hang out, nothing. i got really upset and decided to end it. i waited until he was done at the gym and i called him. he was in a much better mood, and we started talking and laughing about our night out on saturday. at the end of the conversation i felt better than i have all week and felt stupid for worrying so much. today i sent him a message letting him know i miss him, he replied right away about how upset he is that he's broke now. i replied a little while later asking if he'd like to get together tonight and i have yet to get a response. i'm freaking out again, thinking horrible things, assuming the worst. i think he wants to break up with me but doesn't want to hurt me, or just can't say it. HELP NOW I REALLY FEEL LIKE A NUT
Recommended Posts