KIMBERLYS Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Help! Just over 4 years ago, my marriage suffered from infedelity, my husband had an afair with a young lady while I was away at a treatment center . Slowly I began to get over the afair,( I think) although I was still not happy in my marriage. My husband is motivated only for himself it seems and we have a four year old. I had enough with the husband coming home from work and only watching t.v. until he went to sleep so I created some hell and we ended up separating. Separated for over a year, we switched the kid back and fourth and got together occasionally. At the begining of the separation I met an older man who I love being with and have had a relationship with the whole time. My feelings for my husband are only that I dont want to see him with another women. It killed me the first time, I felt like I was going to die! Litterally.I am not sure if I am in love with him. But we do not get along, everything is an argument. I am torn between the two? I would love for my marriage to work however he doesnt give me what I need. Emotionally I feel like he is unaproachable, like I am going to get in trouble if I tell him the truth. Seriously. My husband does have sex. Wild and what not. But he doesnt kiss. Never has. Doesnt come home and hug me, touch me etc. But when it's time for sex, he gets it and rolls over. He appears to be afraid of intimacy. He has always been like this, however it gets worse when we are not getting along. He doesnt support my going to school, never has asked how I was doing in school. Not once. Never asked how my day was as a matter of fact. He only talks when he needs somthing or needs to ask me a question. He knows that the older man is a friend of mine. I have lied to keep the two apart. Help me! The older man is everything the opposite from my husband. I love the older man, do I love them both? Why cant I let my husband go?
sylviaguardian Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Kimberly, The reasons why we love people are often not clear to us. Much of the reasons for feeling attraction comes from things that we have experienced in the past. It sounds like for you, love is associated with someone who is distant and unavailable. You have said the following: - your husband cheated on you while you were having treatment - your husband more or less ignored you - when you complained you separated - you do not get along -everything is an argument - he is afraid of intimacy - he didn't support you Your main reason for wanting to be with him is that you don't want to see him with anyone else. Now you don't say much about your current relationship but I am assuming that it is OK. It sounds like your husband never made you happy and you sound incompatible. Perhaps you need to do some work yourself to find out why you so strongly equate love with someone who doesn't make you happy. Sometimes a lot of work is required before we can accept the person who really makes us happy. What I find quite sad about this post though is the following: Separated for over a year, we switched the kid back and fourth and got together occasionally. You cannot do this to a small child. Having separated parents is much better for a child than not knowing what the heck is going on. Every time you get back together you are raising his hopes and then just breaking his world apart again. It's not fair. You ask why you can't let your husband go. Nobody can answer that for you, it might even take a long time for you to fathom it out yourself. But if you can't disentangle yourself from this relationship with your husband then you will never be free to enjoy a functional relationship that makes you happy. If you can afford it, I would go to see a counsellor. Syl
Author KIMBERLYS Posted March 30, 2006 Author Posted March 30, 2006 Thanks Syl, I did recently get a counselor to talk to, because of my child. Your absolutely right, my inability to make this decision is not fair to my child. My child does not want her father and I together, who would want to listen to constant bickering. My husband and I could get along, he wont allow himself to laugh or smile when he is around me. Like he is mad at me. What do you get out of your husband when he last complimented you some 3 years ago? There have been good times inbetween enough to be happy. I feel like he wants to be mad at me. Hold a grudge or what not. I feel like he is punishing me. He was mad I was in a treatment center. I kept my drug abuse from him. We use to USE together then we stopped. Well I didnt stop I wasnt ready, everybody is different. So when we talk about the affair he had, he throws back the ole 'I was dishonest with him,' kind of like I deserved the affair he had. As sick as it is I probably do associate love with something off the wall! Because really when I think about being alone, I am happiest!
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