Walking away Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 The affair was both sided, to be sure. Be the chase was on with him. In the cat and mouse game of the affair, he was definitely the cat.
Nergyca Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 I am OW. He pursued me. It was really weird. Would I suggest anyone put them in this situation. No.... run the other way as fast as you can. Being in a relationship with a married person is like quick sand, you can't get out, eventually you drown.
officespace Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 My question is, do the OW usually find themselves persued by MM? Are they the aggressor? I am sure it works both ways, but I was wondering what the majority of OW experience was. My experience as the OW is that my MM chased and pursued me relentlessly.I tried several time to break it off before we decided to cross the line, once he moved out. He said that without a doubt, I was THE woman he was looking for his whole life. He said he knew 100% that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with only me. He told me I was the 'whole' package; that in past relationships, there were always aspects of what he was looking for in a woman, but i had "it" all. On and on. You see my point. What girl doesn't want to hear these things? Because of the long friendship, I lost sight of the fact that this guy is just another married guy. My experience throughout my years of dating is that married men are BY Far more persistant and chase much harder than single guys. Sorry to say. (this is the only relationship I have had with a MM)
target-d Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 for a longtime i thought it was all him. after a lot of soul-searching, though, i slowly came to realize that it wasn't. i had given all of the indications that i was interested and available. i had flirted, i had teased and joked and done all of the prelude stuff. it was every bit as much me.
Sami_D Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 In our relationship, neither of us pursued the other. We just got talking one day, and it continued from there. There was an extent to which at the beginning he was telling me how unhappy he was and I was telling him that he should work on his marriage. If you can call that pursuit, then it was him. But to be honest, I didn't want him to get back together with his wife. I was just saying it because it seemed like the right thing to say.
newbby Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 My point is, both parties are responsible for the start of an affair. I don't know who started first in my case. Maybe I did. speaking honestly about who pursued who, is not the same as not taking responsibility for the affair itself. even after the first time, we all (ow) could have stopped things, but that was not te question being asked. the majority of the time mm chases ow with much determination in the beginning of an affair, just as the majority of the time mm lies and the majority of the time mm does not leave wife. it is fact.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 speaking honestly about who pursued who, is not the same as not taking responsibility for the affair itself. even after the first time, we all (ow) could have stopped things, but that was not te question being asked. the majority of the time mm chases ow with much determination in the beginning of an affair, just as the majority of the time mm lies and the majority of the time mm does not leave wife. it is fact. I am talking about being responsible for the START of the affair. As long as he is pursuing you and you are turning him down, then the affair has not begun. When you capitulate is when the affair officially begins. Both of you are responsible - perhaps he is more so - and I believe that you have to admit this to yourself if you want to heal. I don't want to sound like I'm a saint here - I am not. There have been many instances where men pursue me. But I was married and I would stay away from these types of men. I have changed a few jobs - I was young then, so this was not difficult. There was one man I had a crush on, and I knew that he felt the same about me. My marriage was not great then. But as soon as I saw a picture of his family - I consciously made myself unattractive to him - by being negative, by being absent, neglectful, etc. The affair with this man could have been a reality if I didn't stop myself. It takes both parties for an affair to start. But there are exceptions, such as when the OW doesn't know that the man is married. As for my recent "slip" with an MM... that is purely my fault. I am angry at myself and I only blame myself for allowing myself to develop feelings for a man that I know was married. I really pulled my heart out and gave it to him... If only I can take it back as easily as giving it away... I'd not be here, ranting! No, this is my punishment, and I am living with the pain every day. I have to live knowing that he sleeps with his wife. I have to live knowing that he misses me ... and hoping that he doesn't ache too much! It is sooo twisted - I know! I am so torn!
RideTheWave Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 I guess I am technically an OW because I have had 2 MM pursue me in the last year. One is married to an older woman who no longer has sex with him (3x in 5 years according to him). He's so deprived. Poor baby! I've figured out he's a classic Narcissist. He just wants to set me up as a booty call. Not happening, dude! The other one is an old friend that I became reaquainted with after many years, 2 weeks before his (3rd) wedding. He started calling me non-stop (47 times in one week), met me 2 hours before his damn wedding (I thought he was going to tell me that the wedding was off is the only reason I agreed to meet him). He went through with the wedding,but calls me the next day and the next (while on his honeymoon). Took him 3 months to calm his s*** down and now we are firmly back in friend territory. I should add that both of these men are cops. Want to meet MM that will cheat on their wives and not think twice? Go to your local FOP lodge or firehouse!
silktricks Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 I guess I am technically an OW because I have had 2 MM pursue me in the last year. I don't think you're an OW unless you accept the pursuit of a MM. When you push it away you're just an everyday normal woman.
mazhai23 Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 I was pursued by MM. He was a great sweet talker and liar.
kenny Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 MM initially pursued me. I had recently moved to a new town/job and happened to bump into an old boyfriend that I had not seen nor heard from in close to 20 years. I ended our former relationship, I admit, in a childish manner. ( I moved to another state and broke up with him over the phone) Anyway, he stated that he wanted to talk and I agreed. We met for dinner and I inquired about his marital status. He stated that he was separated. We had dinner and he had alot of issues regarding our former relationship. I came clean and apologized for my behavior and went home. Well, a couple of days later he started pursuing me...although I didn't realize it at he time...offering to show me around, find a place, bringing me food, saying that he never stopped loving me, etc. But there were clues that he was married and by the time that I figured out and he admitted that he was married, but "living together separately with his wife" I had crossed the line. But looking back, I was pursues relentlessly and also manipulated and taken advantage of. I admit that I am also responsible for my behavior during the affair. The thing is I trusted him since we had a history together and I thought that I knew him. I also took the easy way out as far as my transition to a new job/home. I ended it last year and have maintained NC for five months. It has been a "Long Walk" (one of my favorite post in the NC forum) and I am taking it one day at a time. We work for the same company but I have not seen him since. I have learned my lesson. By the way, since then, I have been approached by two other MM and I have checked both of them immediately.
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