Loverbye Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 I have a question for the OW. After my H admitted his affair, (and he said he did care for her) he also said that it was him who persued her. He was the one who made the first move so to speak. I was not sure if this was true, as there were so many lies he told me, but I guess I do believe it. My question is, do the OW usually find themselves persued by MM? Are they the aggressor? I am sure it works both ways, but I was wondering what the majority of OW experience was.
Blind Illusion Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I cannot speak for everyone obviously but in my case, it was definitely him that orchestrated all the first moves. First with overtures of friendship and later on, crossing "that" line. In all fairness to him though, I really don't think he planned this all to happen either. I think feelings just developed and they took on a life of their own.
erika2610 Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I worked with my MM.. he pursued me relentlessy for about a year or so. I think the majority of affairs begin with the MM pursuing the women.. but that's just from what I've seen.
hooghie Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Why would he lie about that? If anything, I imagine it's more likely that he would make himself sound more innocent. I'm surprised that of all the questions you may have- this is what you wrote about...unless, of course. you are an OW trying to see if your situation is different because he pursued you. Sorry if I'm wrong, that is just how it sounded to me.
joodee Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I first tried to find ways to talk to my ex-MM, then he pursued me, and I thought, cool, this guy really likes me. But I thought he was divorced and therefore available. By the time I found he was married, my heart was gone. I tried to get away, but then he pursued very strong, and it didn't help that he wasn't (and still isn't) living with his W. Then, long story short, I wasn't the only one he was pursuing. So, generally, from my experience and from all that I have read on this forum, nine times out of ten, the MM pursues (or continues the pursuit).
Walking away Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 My MM pursued me relentlessly from the very begining. I didn't know he was married (even though I asked him) until I was emotionally involved, so I thought he was a dream come true at first. Even until the very end, his pursuit of me was staggering. We were together 7 months. Seven fairytale months of his vehement pursuit of me.
Aaurora Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I had always thought my MM was funny/cute/attractive but unavailable as it was well known in my office he had a long term relationship. But, it was him who eventually persued me and took our friendship to the next level. He wooed me over from the moment he told me he was crazy about me. The majority of our meetings were initiated by him. He was always the one to text and ask to meet up. I always made it clear that I was available to see him whenever he wanted to/could see me. When it was a few days between meetings, I sometimes asked if we could meet and talk and he agreed. I still love him even though we are in NC.
ladyofthenight Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 My MM approached me. He was the one to make the inital contact and did the persuing for the first few months then once the emotions got involved it was mutual. It wasn't until he told me that he was in love with me and was filing for D that I contacted him back.
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Why would he lie about that? If anything, I imagine it's more likely that he would make himself sound more innocent. I'm surprised that of all the questions you may have- this is what you wrote about...unless, of course. you are an OW trying to see if your situation is different because he pursued you. Sorry if I'm wrong, that is just how it sounded to me. Uhmmm After my H admitted his affair means she is the betrayed spouse, not the OW. Her husband cheated on her.
OzGirl Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 ABSOLUTLEY pursued - RELENTLESSLY.... Phone calls for the hour's drive on the way to work, then "meet me downstairs" before walking into the office, then secret kisses in the elevator up to our floor, then suddenly I had to attend more meetings than one would expect, then lunch together, then I'd get a phone call to accompany me home. Flowers, gifts, text messages, little "reminders" left around my house for when he'd gone (not as in what cats do... but like my hairbrush would be hidden somewhere obscure). Then I left that job. I get another one 15 minutes away. I still get calls all day, and he waited out the front to have lunch with me each day. Confiding in me about very personal and private things. It's a hot pursuit to make and keep me interested. Even now - over 6 months since I last saw him and a long while since any contact lacking in volatility, I can bet my bum he will try and call me, or email me or whatever. In his mind - the chase is still on. My research shows MM pursue OW with more conviction than they did their wives when they first met and courted each other. Why? The OW can walk away and he can only chase her so far... so he keeps her close, and really works (comparitively) over-time to do so. It's flattering and, for me, was almost intoxicating. Looking back, it was as much a fantasy "perfect" relationship for me as it was for him.
lovernotafighter Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I have a question for the OW. After my H admitted his affair, (and he said he did care for her) he also said that it was him who persued her. He was the one who made the first move so to speak. I was not sure if this was true, as there were so many lies he told me, but I guess I do believe it. My question is, do the OW usually find themselves persued by MM? Are they the aggressor? I am sure it works both ways, but I was wondering what the majority of OW experience was. to be honest it was both of us...but he used to always try to start the relationship talks with me and I'd bat them down fast...I did avoid that arena for a very long time.
Walking away Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Ozgirl, I agree. My MM showered me with trips, the finest restaurants, gifts, TONS of flowers (my favorites, of course), concert tickets, massages.... Then, there were the multiple e-mails and text messages every day. Phone calls at least twice a day (he lives in another state). "Business" trips to my city to see me. We saw each other usually every two weeks. He came to my Halloween Party, work Christmas party....Flew me, my daughter and her friend to Vegas the day after Christmas for a few days.... Relentless pursuit...and now, NOTHING...Poof! Must've been a dream....
zarathustra Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 My xMM and I were work colleagues. He was my superior and I had problems with some of the resources on our team. When I brought it to his attention, we realized that we are very similar in the way we think and we became fast friends. One day, he told me he was very fond of me but both of us being married we thought that we would just remain friends. Then he was persistant in seeing me outside of work. So I feel like he's the one who persued me as I wanted him to work on his marriage at home as kids were involved. Walking Away. I think you are amazing. I've been following your thread. Stay strong. Its been 5 months since my xMM and I split up. There's a dull ache now. I see him almost every day still and I think that is why the healing is taking so long. Same thing with me... one day its like, "I love you, I can't imagine my life without you in it" to poof... nothing.
foolinlove Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I am guilty of being the pursuer in my case. He is 20 years older than I and NEVER would have thought that someone so young could have a "thing" for him. He thought it was some kind of lust for him that would go away. I thought it would also, yet years later I still loved him. He then became the one who kept the relationship going strong, getting away any chance he could, taking risks to spend the night with me, spending LOADS of money to call me when I was away to school. Buying me gifts to show in small ways his love towards me. He admitted that he thought that I would move on and find someone my own age, but I didn't. I was such a huge part of his life that he couldn't let me go so he continued to keep in touch with me and I with him. We maintained a STRONG friendship during the time I was away at school, and when I came home, it only was that much stronger. The visits became more frequent, calls 2-10 times a day, and still finding ways to stay the night with me. He left for me, returned, left again, still out, but broke my trust beyond repair. Thats where we are now!
newbby Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 i was also pursued relentlessly. i was initially scared that i had a stalker, i sometimes wonder, had nothing ever ended up happening (which was also all down to his determination), whether he would have continued or gotten worse, i dont know.
Blind Illusion Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 I'm not sure how to delete a post I posted under the wrong thread so I just editted it. Sorry for the interuption in this one
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 To the original poster: Why would you doubt your husband on this?? If you want to blame the OW in order to heal, you wouldn't get very far. Most of the time, it is the men who pursue women. Deep down, you must know what kind of man your husband is.
NoIDidn't Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 Me BS. My H told me he started it. I guess most MM do to get a woman to drop her guard. I have not cheated on my H, but I have had several co-workers and complete strangers approach me that were M (and knew that I was too). I turned them down - I was preggo. Guess they already knew it couldn't be theirs. M or not I think men tend to do the pursuing anyway.
Torn Up Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 My question is, do the OW usually find themselves persued by MM? Are they the aggressor?QUOTE] In my case, yes...he pursued me relentlessly for well over a year. The affair would have taken flight much sooner than it did had I not continued to...as he put it..."slag him off" everytime he attempted to get close. We worked together (still do) and developed a friendship. Nothing special there - friendships are often the springboard into an affair if both parties aren't careful. I knew he was married and because I have always stood by my "hands off" policy in regards to married men, I wouldn't allow anything to happen. And the came the lies...and then more lies, and more, and more..... Well, you get the picture. Same picture as the others here. First lie told? That he and his wife and mutually agreed to end the marriage when their daughter left for college this summer. Why? Because they sat down and agreed that they no longer loved each other, and during this little "heart to heart" between them, she supposedly confessed to having a lover on the side that she wanted to be with. I was told that she and he were going to finish the house improvement projects and then sell it this Spring and, of course, part company. Uh-huh....yeah. What lie came after lie number one becomes fuzzy because there are too many to count. So...I'll just throw them out here as they pop up in my head....let's see now... He loved me, couldn't live without me. His wife was a meanie. Wanted to share the rest of his life with me. I was his first and ONLY affair. He wanted to marry me. He wasn't sleeping with his wife...hadn't had sex with her in almost a year. Was sleeping in the spare bedroom....yada, yada, yada. The truth? I was NOT the first affair. I was, in fact, his FORTH affair. His wife did NOT have a boyfriend, nor did she EVER agree to divorce when the daughter left for college. He was indeed sleeping with his wife while sleeping with me. And his wife was NOT a meanie...she was (is) a wonderful woman who does NOT deserve to be treated with such disregard. I could go on and on, but I think my point is clear. Sorry for the rant... ~Torn~
pricillia Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 My MM pursued me as well, he tried for a long time almost a year to get me to notice him. He told me he liked me from the begining, that not being the case for me at all.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Well, everyone here seems to tell a similar story: their MM pursued the RELENTLESSLY. Perhaps, this is so. But I don't think it is as one-sided as many claimed it was. I am an OW as well. True, my MM initiated things by flirting with me and being very, very kind and considerate to me. These are innocent acts, though. But I developed feelings, and I ASKED my MM if he likes me. His reply? "I've liked you before you even know it." That just melted my heart at a time when things were not so good for me at home. So I kissed him.... My point is, both parties are responsible for the start of an affair. I don't know who started first in my case. Maybe I did.
Walking away Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Mine was a complete one sided pursuit. As I tried to run away from the affair many times, the seduction just increased to lure me back. Never ONCE did I pursue him. Never. He had even acknowledged that fact that he was solely in pursuit of me, not vice versa.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Mine was a complete one sided pursuit. As I tried to run away from the affair many times, the seduction just increased to lure me back. Never ONCE did I pursue him. Never. He had even acknowledged that fact that he was solely in pursuit of me, not vice versa. For me, the excitement is in the pursuit. (I am an ARIES, can you tell?) I find it hard to believe that an affair is one sided. But WA, I believe you!
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