Guest Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 This is my first time posting to a site about anything, as far as advice goes, so this may be a little long; but, I need advice about this disater I have created. Eight months ago my husband of five years and I seperated on bad terms. I didn't have many of my own friends when he moved out of state, so I started socializing more with people, mostly guys, from work. I have always been able to get along with guys easier than I do with girls and never intended for anything more than friendships to develop because my husband and I planned on trying to work things out after we had a few months of space. Less than a week after my husband was gone, however, one of these guys expressed his attraction towards me. Although I had always found this guy to be very attractive, I never thought anything of it for many reasons. To list a few: 1. I am married 2. I work with him 3. He had a reputation for going out with girls and dumping them at the drop of a dime 4. He had just started dating my best friends roommate Despite every alarm in my mind going off, I was going through a very emotional and confusing time in my life and I allowed our friendship to escalate into something more fairly quickly. Long story, short people found out about it and about 6 weeks after this all started he dumped my friends roommate. However, even though we were more than friends, I did not want a relationship with him. He knew this, but still told me how much he cared about me and wanted to be with me, blah, blah, blah. After many of these conversations, I finally started to have feelngs for this guy. Not but two weeks after we upgraded our relationship from "friends with benefits" to "dating or whatever you would call it", and I thought things were going well, out of the blue, he called me and said he did not want me to go out with OUR friends that night because he planned on meeting another girl while he was out. It has now been six months since this guy started dating the girl he basically dumped me for. I am not at all proud to say this, but this guy and I have continued to be "friends with benefits" the entire time. Why? I do not know. I am an attractive woman who could easily have moved on. I guess I felt it was bad enough that I cheated with one guy let alone having a list to possibly explain if I chose to work things out with my husband. A month ago, I decided to end this ridiculous relationship and a few days later announced to everyone that my husband is moving back. Let's just say there were plenty of suprised reactions once that got around. I love my husband very much and am worried about how people will act towards him once he is back. I also realize that the reputation I once had at work for having a good family, is gone. Unfortunately, I do not have the option to move on to another job. The reason for the long drawn out details are basically because I need to know what I should do as far as just about everything goes. How should I handle the people at work? How should I handle my friends? Even if I was to tell my husand, how in the world can I explain the affair? I have a hard enough time trying to explain it to myself; as me and the other guy say-"It's the most f@#$d up relationship either one of us has ever been in". Should I wait until I am allowed to leave this job & area and then tell him? Part of me thinks it would be easier because then he wouldn't have to know that I am still around this guy, whom I have to interact with, every time I go to work. Despite what people may think as far as how I can say I love my husband even though I did this, I do truly love him. My husband will be back here soon, please help.
Blind Illusion Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I wouldn't go out of my way to explain things to people at work. If a co-workers asks, you can say that your husband & you are trying to work out some problems. Why go into anything in detail. As far as friends go, they are your friends. I wouldn't dream of ever judging my closeest girlfriends. Even if they slept with a different man each night, my only concern would be if any of them hurt her, not with what she is doing. If you reconcile with your husband or if he asks, you can just remind him you were separated, and you went through a transitional period. Don't be too hard on yourself though. You had a learning experience and now you are moving forward.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 It's not fair to your husband to allow him to step into a situation in which EVERYONE else is 'in-the-know' while he remains ignorant. He'll resent it later in a HUGE way. Not only that, but every day that you two are working towards restoration of the marital relationship is essentially a LIE. You're allowing him to invest emotionally into the marriage, and to reorganize all the details of his daily life. But he doesn't have all the facts. If he did, would he still freely choose to be with you? Telling the truth doesn't get easier with time. It just gets harder. And even though it's scary to contemplate a permanent separation, wouldn't it be better now....before he moves back in....than later? Don't forget that later on down the pike, YOU will be more invested too.
Bryanp Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I think you are making a huge mistake by not telling your husband before he moves back. He has a right to know. The chances are great he will find our sooner or later anyway and then will feel he was played by you because you were not honest with him before he moved back. He will feel humiliated and used by you because you were not honest with him before he moved back. You are almost certainly will destroy your recovery by not being honest with him immediately. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect him to be honest with you before you moved back? How can you not see this?
Mz. Pixie Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I agree with LJ- you need to be truthful with him. I tell you that because I wasn't- and he eventually found out. It would have been much easier to explain myself, on the front end, what happened and why but by the time he found out he wouldn't believe anything I said and who could blame him?? You guys were separated- how do you know he didn't go out with women?? Be truthful with him and you guys sign up for marriage counseling and visit marriage builders. You can eventually rebuild your reputation- and it be even better. I say this because I'm in the process of doing that now- and it is possible. Everyone makes mistakes. Yes, I lost some friends- but as it turns out they probably weren't my true friends anyway so who needed them in the first place? You'd be surprised at the people who have had infidelity in their lives- most people just don't talk about it.
zarathustra Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I think its time you are fair to your husband and give him the chance to decide if he wants to stay in the marriage given all that's happened. It doesn't make life easier with him if he chooses to stay, but more fair. Regarding your friends, there will be a little bit of awkwardness at first, but they love you and if you want to be with your H, then they will accept him again, especially if he treats you well. I think with co-workers you garner more respect from them if you are trying to work on your marriage than if you didn't.
Sassy Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I think its time you are fair to your husband and give him the chance to decide if he wants to stay in the marriage given all that's happened. It doesn't make life easier with him if he chooses to stay, but more fair. Regarding your friends, there will be a little bit of awkwardness at first, but they love you and if you want to be with your H, then they will accept him again, especially if he treats you well. I think with co-workers you garner more respect from them if you are trying to work on your marriage than if you didn't. Great post Zara couldn't have said it better!! She needs to tell her h and except what happens from there. Put yourself in your h's place wouldn't you want to know .
zarathustra Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Thanks Sassy... I'm speaking from my own experience. I think owning up to what I did was my way of accepting responsibility of what went on after our separation and accepting the consequences of what happened. I was also separated before my PA with the OM started even though we had a EA for a little while prior to the separation. I can honestly say that the EA was a catalyst of my leaving my M, but not the main reason. I'll tell you though, there have been many hard days and there are things about my M that still drives me insane, but I try to voice it whenever I feel things are not working out instead of letting fall by the way side. I would be lying if there isn't a dull pain for the end of my relationship with the OM. I did care and love him a lot, but I know that I need to be with my H and give my M a chance and give it a fair fight without the influence of a third party.
RecordProducer Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 You think that you have to explain a lot of things to your friends and co-workers, but you don't. There's a saying "Every wonder lasts for three days." People like to see our weaknesses, although it might seem like a disaster for us. But those are the times when we receive consolation and support; people don't enjoy it when somebody is down... or at least they don't want to admit it to themselves. When my ex-husband and I split, I couldn't tell anyone that he left me. I was telling everyone that we just couldn't live together anymore, so we decided to split. Then I realized that there was nothing shameful in being dumped so I started telling people what really happened. Before I thought if I told them that HE dumped ME, without knowing him, they would assume that he is much better than me and I am worthless. Then I heard other women admitting that their husbands had left them with kids and they considered their exes a**h***s. I didn't think there was anything wrong with those women, I thought they were tough, and honestly, I didn't even realize how much they must have suffered until it happened to me. What would you think of a woman who split with her husband and everyone thought they had a happy family, then she dated some Casanova? You'd think that their marriage was obviously not that great or they got into a crisis, they split, she dated someone else, and they got back together. Is there anything else that would come into your mind? The fact that your lover is a slut doesn't make you a slut whatsoever. People will maybe see you as a victim, but most housewives will secretly envy you for having a break of your husband and getting some good sex on aside. Nobody knows your feelings or thoughts. Just be happy and cheerful around them. People believe in what they see. Many of them won't try and scratch the surface. I've been in situations where I wanted the ground to open below my feet and swallow my shameful existence. People who were involved/present have acted like nothing has happened. They don't see things from YOUR perspective. You owe no one an explanation so don't offer any. If they ask you anything, respond cheerfully and shortly acting like it's none of their business. Make it sound like the relationship with the playboy meant nothing to you. Regarding your husband, the more defensive you get the more offensive he will get. You were separated, you split in bad terms, and thought you would never be together anymore. Where was he to work on the marriage? You didn't want to work on it either, you wanted to move on, and he should feel lucky you changed your mind and gave him another chance. Put it that way. I personally (and my hubby too) strongly disagree that for as long as the paper is there you're cheating. The moment you say "I am done with you, get out of my life!" and stop seeing that person, you're broken off and free to do whatever you want. Now if you say that and sleep with someone the very same night then reconcile with your partner the next day, obviously you're a week person, but this is not the case with you two. Concentrate on the future and don't look behind unless you want to go in that direction! Work on your marriage, not on your past.
Guest Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 Thanks everyone for the advice. . The odds of him hearing something about the realtionship are pretty good considering we live a community that is addicted to gossip. My dilema, however, is how do I expalin the relationship I had with this guy? For 8 months, I had my cake and ate it too. I was able to live the life of someone who was single, while at the same time my husband allowed me to make the decision on when he would come back. As soon as I decided I no longer wanted to be "single" I made the arrangements for my H to move back here. I know my husband loves me and puts me on this pedestal I really don't deserve. He would be shocked if I told him I had a casual relationship with someone who also had his cake and ate it too. I think it would be easier for him to handle if I was at least able to tell him that me and this other guy had a meaningful, caring relationship. Most of the stories I have read on this site are about people who cared for the OP and the OP cared for them back, which I think in a way made it easier for their SO to accept the affair and try and move on. The fact of the matter is that, although we care for each other as friends, both me and this guy didn't want to be with each other and were basically each others booty calls. For the first time in my adult life, I was "single". I partied, dated and lead a selfish, carefree life. Now I've snapped backed to reality and am realizing the possible consqeuences of my decisions. I am also realizing the meaning of the saying "you don't know what you've got til it's gone". I want the relationship back that I had with my husband before (minus the problems that caused us to seperate in the first place )and am scared to death that telling him will take that away. I have read the advice to just tell him but am wondering a few more things. How would people feel if their spouse had a relationship like mine? Would you be able to get over your SO having such a meaningless affair even with marriage counseling? The few friends I have confided in tell me that "what a person doesn't know won't hurt them". What are some thoughts on this as far as my situation goes? The more I talk and write about this the more I'm starting to think that telling my H would be more hurtful than not telling him.
Sup? Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Thanks everyone for the advice. . The odds of him hearing something about the realtionship are pretty good considering we live a community that is addicted to gossip. My dilema, however, is how do I expalin the relationship I had with this guy? For 8 months, I had my cake and ate it too. I was able to live the life of someone who was single, while at the same time my husband allowed me to make the decision on when he would come back. As soon as I decided I no longer wanted to be "single" I made the arrangements for my H to move back here. I know my husband loves me and puts me on this pedestal I really don't deserve. He would be shocked if I told him I had a casual relationship with someone who also had his cake and ate it too. I think it would be easier for him to handle if I was at least able to tell him that me and this other guy had a meaningful, caring relationship. Most of the stories I have read on this site are about people who cared for the OP and the OP cared for them back, which I think in a way made it easier for their SO to accept the affair and try and move on. The fact of the matter is that, although we care for each other as friends, both me and this guy didn't want to be with each other and were basically each others booty calls. For the first time in my adult life, I was "single". I partied, dated and lead a selfish, carefree life. Now I've snapped backed to reality and am realizing the possible consqeuences of my decisions. I am also realizing the meaning of the saying "you don't know what you've got til it's gone". I want the relationship back that I had with my husband before (minus the problems that caused us to seperate in the first place )and am scared to death that telling him will take that away. I have read the advice to just tell him but am wondering a few more things. How would people feel if their spouse had a relationship like mine? Would you be able to get over your SO having such a meaningless affair even with marriage counseling? The few friends I have confided in tell me that "what a person doesn't know won't hurt them". What are some thoughts on this as far as my situation goes? The more I talk and write about this the more I'm starting to think that telling my H would be more hurtful than not telling him. If he finds out some OTHER way it may be OVER! Although you may have been "SEPARATED" you were still "MARRIED" to your husband when this went on:sick:
YellowLioness Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Sounds like you've put yourself between a rock and a hard place after having your cake and eating it too...Please excuse the idioms. I couldn't help myself. Ok ok ok...where to start...You know...In your place I would hate to live a lie. Especially if your husband adores you. I would tell him before he comes home. BECAUSE... If you dont... and you wait... and someone who is angry at you for sleeping with another man while you were technically married TELLS your husband about your infedelities... I can bet you that you will WISH (Oh honey, you will wish to GOD) that you had never let him move back in with out telling him. *shudders* I would come clean. If not for the consequences of your actions, then for yourself. C'mon, you don't want to live a lie... Imagine this conversation: You're in bed w/ hubby. He's like, "Baby, I love you so much. Even during our seperation I've been faithful. I could never imagine loving any other woman. At night, when I've been lonly, you were all I could ever think of..." :love: you: "Uh, Yeah! Ditto baby..." :sick: Just a thought to bring the situation to reality for you. Good luck!
RecordProducer Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 The more I talk and write about this the more I'm starting to think that telling my H would be more hurtful than not telling him.Him never finding out is definitely not hurtful at all, but he will find out from other people, I am sure. And then you'll have to defend yourself. If I were you, I would tell him: "Look, I don't want to know if you've slept with someone in the meanwhile, let's just start a new chapter and try to be happy." Don't think he was "an angel" all these months!
Mz. Pixie Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 I agree with RP. Just ask if you guys can start over fresh starting right now and forget about the last few months you were separated. Did you separate from your husband to have this relationship and now you want your husband back because the other guy is gone?? Because honestly that is the way he might end up seeing it if you are not truthful with him to begin with..........
SoleMate Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Tell him. Possibly with the assistance of a marriage counselor, and with assurance of your (now) total commitment to your marriage. Otherwise, the anxiety of potential discovery will grow on you...and there is no end in sight until death. I understand your fear. It's one factor. But you can't have a REAL (=honest) marriage without telling him. Having the affair was an injury, and concealing it while you reconcile is pouring salt in the wound. Let's be real here...your H will certainyl find out one day, so may as well do it in a manner where you have at least some input into the message and the reaction. As far as coworkers and their ideas go, RecordProducer had GREAT advice. Who cares what they think about you...they're all absorbed in themselves. It would be better to worry about your HUSBAND'S thoughts and feelings rather than those of the local yokels. RIGHT?
RecordProducer Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 I think it would be easier for him to handle if I was at least able to tell him that me and this other guy had a meaningful, caring relationship. I think you're very wrong about this. The last thing he wants to hear is that you loved someone else. Imagine the reverse situation: if your husband fell in love with another woman, how would you feel about it? He will wonder if you ever got over the guy; he will think that you only took him back to console you cuz the other man left you for another woman and broke your heart. Don't bury yourself in lies that will hurt him much more than the truth. If you tell him that you simply needed someone because you were lonely and this guy means nothing to you, he will feel better. Tell him that you tried to move on, but couldn't, because you love him. Do you mind if I ask you what problems you had with your husband? Please skip the question if you don't feel like answering it.
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