mrs normality Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 Hello. I was wondering if someone could give me their input on somethings that I have going on. I have been dating this guy (foreign) for about 10 months now and things are pretty serious. Besides the fact that his family does not agree, we are planning to get married. Since the first day that we went out we have seen eachother every day and I love him so much and vice versa. He's taking a lot of crap because we are dating but he stands up for our love with his family. They have said that if he continued to see me they would forget about him because he is disrespecting his culture. Still we see eachother everyday however we don't live together. The problem is sometimes I think that we may be moving too fast. I say this because even though we are planning to get married, sometimes I think we are married for ex. the things that I use to do, I no longer do (because I love him and change is good...right?) like going out with either my family or friends or whatever. All I do now is stay home. Our life together is good but one of the things that I am concerned about is he has no life...besides coming to see me after work-that's it, he goes home. His parents and siblings are all he has in the country and he is not concerned about venturing out getting to know others. Me on the other hand, I have a large family and friends that I am really close to. It seems to me that sometimes although he may never admit it, he gets upset when I have company or I choose to hang out with my family or friends. To try to include him would be a catastropy because he is opposite of what we are. We drink and smoke cigarettes and he don't. When we are together, when I do decide to smoke I am always conscious of trying to keep the smoke from him. And to drink around him is totally uncomfortable to me. With all that we still love each other and spend at least 5-6 hours together a day and when we are not together we are on the phone. Im sure that this will be the man that I marry someday but do you think that this is healthy that his whole life evolves around our relationship? I went to Florida to see my best friend and stayed for a week and it was really bad for him. He called me almost every hour or two and expected me to call him before I went to bed. I don't know if it was to hear what frame of mind I was in or just out of concern. I am trying to see if these are signs of control or signs of concern and love. Please anybody give me your input!! (If I mispelled anything, I apologize....I am just trying to get it all down)
MadDog Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 I know you two are planning on getting married but there's some bad news. He's a really insecure guy that has caused you to give up spending time with your friends and family. All you do is sit at home and wait for him now? What kind of life is that to live? It's only going to get worse if you get married. I'd think long and hard about that before deciding to continue with the wedding. MD
Author mrs normality Posted March 28, 2006 Author Posted March 28, 2006 Thanks alot MD for the quick reply! I have plenty of time to think about it...but yeah, alot has changed. When we first started dating, I would listen to the things that he wanted out of life and to be honest, I want those same things. It was my idea at first to stop hanging out because I am getting older but I still like to have fun. You don't have to go out to have fun. Along with sitting in the house I gained alot of weight as well. He is always asking me if he is the cause of me gaining weight and I tell him no because I chose to stop going as often as I use to. As a result he has bought me a treadmill, gym membership and also the nutrisystem program....Im back to myself again. He is a really sweet guy and anybody would know how much he loves me but why does this bother me so much? We have arguments and 5 minutes later, we are fine but this is now, how will it be after marriage???
MadDog Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 Thanks alot MD for the quick reply! I have plenty of time to think about it...but yeah, alot has changed. When we first started dating, I would listen to the things that he wanted out of life and to be honest, I want those same things. It was my idea at first to stop hanging out because I am getting older but I still like to have fun. You don't have to go out to have fun. Along with sitting in the house I gained alot of weight as well. He is always asking me if he is the cause of me gaining weight and I tell him no because I chose to stop going as often as I use to. As a result he has bought me a treadmill, gym membership and also the nutrisystem program....Im back to myself again. He is a really sweet guy and anybody would know how much he loves me but why does this bother me so much? We have arguments and 5 minutes later, we are fine but this is now, how will it be after marriage??? You're welcome but a few more things I'd like to know. 1. Can you honestly tell me that your "decision" to just sit at home wasn't influenced by him? He never gave you a hard time for going out with your friends, etc? I really suspect there's more than you're telling me here. 2. I don't want to totally pessimistic but a guy who brings up a girlfriend's weight gain promptly followed by getting her a treadmill, gym membership, and diet program could also be viewed as pretty insulting. How would he feel if you brought up his inadequate manhood the first time you slept with him followed by buying him those herbal penile enlargement supplements everyone seems to get e-mails about? It's one thing for him to mention your weight gain in relation to his concerns for your health. It's another to say, "You've turned into a fattie. Here's a gym membership." Finally, the biggest indication I see that he's controlling is calling you every hour when you were in Florida. It's likely he was keeping tabs on what you were doing and who you were with (e.g. he wanted to make sure you didn't have the chance to meet any guys.) I could be in love on the verge of insanity and I would still think calling every hour would be exessive. MD
Author mrs normality Posted March 28, 2006 Author Posted March 28, 2006 Honestly, in the beginning it was my decision to sit at home. Because as I said previously I drink and he does not. So if he got off work at a later time than myself and I had already had a few beers, I would feel uncomfortable going around him so I would decide to just stay in and see him when he got off work. But yea, me knowing that it would make him feel better by staying in had a lot of influence as well. The thing about the weight was totally me though. He has spoiled me since day one and when my cousin happen to have came over one day while he was there she started teasing and joking about my weight gain and he was laughing. I replied by saying, "oh you think thats funny, how about we laugh all the way to walmart so that you can get me a treadmill!" And he did, as with the gym membership and the diet program. So I didn't feel insulted by that MD, I apologize for not being more clear in my previous entry. So you don't think that I am tripping about sensing a control issue goin on? I needed to hear this from someone else because we have a pretty open relationship as for as talking but I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't the only one sensing this. I really appreciated you input on this....seriously!! I love him so much and he is really good to me but I want to make sure that I am clear on everything and my eyes are wide open. Some people (co-workers) have said that they could understand why he's like that because I am a very attractive lady but still....you can never be too cautious, you feel me?
catgirl1927 Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 He sounds controlling and your lifestyles and choices are completely different. Be careful that this is really what you want to do. 5-6 hours a day of being careful about smoking and not drinking and sitting at home is one thing. But when it's 24/7 it's going to be completely different. It almost sounds like you're only with him because it's easier than finding someone new who might be a better fit. This really sounds to me like a recipe for a lifetime of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.
Woggle Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you stop living. I still do the things I always did it's just that now I sometimes do them with my fiance. I still go out with my friends and she still goes out with hers.
MusicWoman Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 Start doing what you want to be doing. If you an alcoholic thats one thing...but if you just enjoy going out with friends and family for drinks thats another. START doing what you want to do now...because if you don't..you'll never get to later if you marry this guy. If he can't handle you doing your own thing and becomes even more controlling than he already has been....you know you will have to break it off. Its hard enough just having to stay away from family and friends for 10 months....think about how thats going to feel for 10 years.
Author mrs normality Posted March 28, 2006 Author Posted March 28, 2006 He sounds controlling and your lifestyles and choices are completely different. Be careful that this is really what you want to do. 5-6 hours a day of being careful about smoking and not drinking and sitting at home is one thing. But when it's 24/7 it's going to be completely different. It almost sounds like you're only with him because it's easier than finding someone new who might be a better fit. This really sounds to me like a recipe for a lifetime of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Thanks this is for music woman, I really appreciate it. No I am not an alcoholic. I just feel really uncomfortable when I go around him after I have been drinking. I feel like he's judging me. He says all the the time to do me and that he's not trying to change me but all in the same sentence he says that change is good. I sometimes feel like I am in a cultural war or something....does this make any sense? Sometimes because our cultures are different I feel like he wants me live in his culture but he doesn't actually say it. For example, he says that their woman don't smoke or drink and I reply by saying that I am not from his culture and american woman do what they choose to. He says he understands but still---it's that feeling that I get. I even quit smoking and drinking for a couple of months and just recently, we had a talk and I told him that I shouldn't have done that because it wasn't what I wanted to do, I did it for him and I wasn't ready to quit. So he was like, no matter what, I am gonna love you and I don't want to loose you so if thats what you want it's cool by me, I just hope that one day you decide to quit. Me personally, I enjoy having a couple of beers or a few glasses of wine at night at home.I dont bother anyone and I am at home. But if I call him while I am drinking he doesn't have to much to say. Whats up with that?
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