ladyofthenight Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 I guess I am just looking to vent all of my thoughts and feelings and know that someone else knows what I am going through. My H and I have been married for just a little over 2 yrs. Due to the lack of communication the relationship fell apart, we have been seperated for 8 months now and the divorce is to be final in 2 weeks. As to my H well he is sorry for his part and I know I am sorry for the hurt that I have caused him. I do find myself wondering and thinking if we both (my H & I) put all of our effort into making things work they would. But I am scared to walk away from my MM and having my H hurt me(emotionally) all over again. My H is not a violent man in anyway and has never done anything other than not show me how much he says he loves me. I spent the past few years being told I am stupid, and nothing I did was ever right. Everything somehow was my fault. It could be raining outside and somehow it is my fault. Eventually I had enough and found the courage to leave. I am for the most part happier that the constant badgering is over but I also miss the security I once had. I do think he has changed and realizes that we must truely communicate and not just talk at each other. He wants to stop the divorce and wants me to come home. I know I am scared to be hurt again. (Sounds funny especially since I am at risk of being hurt by my MM). As to my MM. I ran into my MM appox 2 weeks after the speration. I was approaced by him to rekindle the friends with benifts realtionship that we had over 10 years ago(neither one of us was married at that time). My thoughts at the time were purely physical and I figured what the heck have a few good times and he would be on his merry way. Well I was wrong. Anyway somewhere along the line I have fallen in love with my MM and he says he has fallen in love with me. 6 months into our realtionship he started staying away from his home. Approx 2 weeks ago he moved back in with his W telling me all was for finacial reasons. His W is very suspicious and has been given alot of information about the relationship between him and myself. He tells me over and over how much he loves me and how far in love with me he is. Yet he caters to her every whim and wimper. Supposedly to enusre his finances in the future for "us" as it is told to me. I know that I do love him and have no doubts on that. I want him to be happy but this emotional roller coaster is driving me crazy!! I am tired of the lonely nights and not being able to share all aspects of my life with someone. I do have a love for my H. I guess my question is can you fall in love with someone again? And how do I go about falling out of love with my MM. With my MM we talk about the future but in the past 7 months there is no signs that he will leave his W. Just what he says. I have watched him move out to move back in. Storage was rented to move his things to that was 3 months ago it is still empty. Funny how when put to words and written I see how crazy it would be to stay in the realtionship with my MM and not try and work out things with my H. But the emotional ties to my MM are so very strong and I am not sure I have the strengh to break them. Thanks for listening.
My_Other_I Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 Oh, another sad and familiar story:( All I can say is what I've said before. You will do what you will do. I just say don't push it, time will tell. You will get to the point where you will see clearly the games, lies, and so on. You will get to the point when you will get sick of it. You are vulnerable now and he offers confort in the time of your life that is hard on your emotional well-being. I wish you left him and cut all ties, but I know how hard and scary it is. You will get to the breaking point eventually, and you will be fine.
scarletletter Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 Your soon to be ex H sounds exactly like mine. It was his emotional abuse that pushed me into the arms of another. This sounds like a no-win situation with your mm. If he moved back in with his wife that is not a good sign, even if he is telling you the truth about financial reasons. If he really wants to be with you, he won't care about all of the other stuff...he would find a way to do it. Sounds like you need to get over both of them and move on to bigger and better things for yourself. Good luck.
Author ladyofthenight Posted March 28, 2006 Author Posted March 28, 2006 Thank you both for your imput and support. Deep down I know you are are both right. I do need to cut my ties, let go and move on. I just don't know if I can or even if I know how.
Blind Illusion Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 . Everything somehow was my fault. It could be raining outside and somehow it is my fault. Eventually I had enough and found the courage to leave. I am for the most part happier that the constant badgering is over but I also miss the security I once had. . I didn't realize just how many clones of my husband are out there. The computer could go haywire & "I must have opened something incorrectly". HIS things could be lost and somehow it is never HIM that misplaced them. Sadly, our children even laugh at him and say, "Oh Daddy is playing the "blame game" again. If someone like that simply must assign blame for everyday mishaps, do you really think that they would be mature enough to say "Hmmm what you did was wrong to go outside our marriage but MY part of this infidelity is this......" This is what *I* must work on. I don't even know your husband but from what you describe, I'd say "no" if I was a betting kind of gal.
Blind Illusion Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 I guess my question is can you fall in love with someone again? And how do I go about falling out of love with my MM. I wish I had an answer to this, for you. Or even a suggestion. You could probably fall back into love if that is what you want but be careful, you aren't doing that simply because you don't want to be alone. Otherwise you are making it more difficult for someone else entirely to come into you life. Someone that is totally yours and someone that isn't badgering you , often either. The second part of your question---I don't know. I struggle with that, myself. A therapist once told me to replace the passion for him with something else so I wouldn't be always thinking of MM. I guess that helps a little. Not a whole lot though.
babbah Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 im sorry to hear that. same here, i don't know the answer...all i can say is- Time will tell... maybe you will fall in love again but let time heal the wounds. as for myself, i dont want to fall out of love..... but sometimes, things happens for a reason. goddluck to you *hugs*
Owl Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 ScarletLetter- I've posted to you a few times, so I hope you take this post in the manner in which I mean it...not an attack, but wanting to help you clearly understand your own situation better. You said: It was his emotional abuse that pushed me into the arms of another. My wife used a similar argument when we first started marriage counseling...BEFORE she decided to reconcile with me. Only she didn't call it abuse...she basically tried to call it neglect. Our MC at the time tried hard to get her to realize that there were two seperate issues in what she was trying to say. While I may have contributed to the state of our marriage, the choice to have the affair was entirely hers. I freely admit things weren't "perfect" in our marriage...no marriage truly is. And through the course of things, my wife began to realize that part of the issue was that she never TOLD me what she was feeling, what was wrong from her point of view. She hinted, she assumed... But men don't work well with hints. Men typically need to be TOLD directly...it's a difference in our communication processes. She wanted me to change things, but never provided clear explanations of what needed to change. Now, I accept that I had a LARGE stake in what went wrong up to that point. There were a lot of changes I made shortly after I learned of my wife's affair...changes that led to our marriage being a LOT better now than it was. But ultimately, the choice to have the affair was hers...it had nothing to do with me. Your choice to have an affair was your own...regardless of the state of your marriage. Your choice to have an affair is NOT your husband's fault. He contributed to the conditions of the marriage...but he didn't make the choice for you to have the affair. THIS WAS YOUR CHOICE ALONE. My wife had to realize that too. She had to accept responsibility for the affair before we could take any real steps in fixing our marriage. I realize that you have absolutely no intent whatsoever in reconciling your marriage...that you're simply biding your time until you can be with OM forever. But still, keep what I've said in mind...don't blame your H for your choice...blame him for the the things he did wrong, but not for something that I have no doubt that he would absolutely NOT have wanted if he'd been given the option. I'm still curious when/if you ever plan on telling him about the affair? Or do you intend to let him find out on his own eventually?
Owl Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 LOTN- guess my question is can you fall in love with someone again? And how do I go about falling out of love with my MM. Yes you can fall in love with someone again. My wife felt like she was 'falling out of love with me, and falling in love with [OM]". We're almost 2 years past the end of the affair, and she's been VERY happy that we worked things out. I do have a MAJOR concern with your situation however. Your marriage fell apart when it should have still be in it's "honeymoon" phase. If you WERE to consider trying to work things out, it seems to me that both your and your H need to start some kind of marriage counselling BEFORE you decide to move back in together. But...here's the hard part about all of this. The FIRST step, the most critical step, in moving forward is the hardest on your part...you have to give up MM/OM completely. Forever. No contact of ANY kind again...period. Non-negotiable. So in order for your M to have ANY chance, you're going to have to actually COMMIT yourself to giving it a chance. Counseling, working on anything to do with the marriage while OM is in the picture is impossible. It would be nothing more than a huge waste of effort, time, and money. So...first step would be to establish NC with OM, completely and totally. Tell him you're wanting to work on your marriage, and that it's just not possible with him in the picture. And make that stick for at least 30 days before you move down to the next step. When you do this, have a circle of friends and family that can support you in dealing with the end of your relationship with OM...ask them to help you and to help you stay strong in ending it with him. So, if you do want to give your marriage a shot, I'd suggest that you start by making a list of the problems you had in the marriage to begin with...assuming you've already established NC with OM. Go to marriagebuilders.com and look up their 'emotional needs questionairre'. Fill it out for yourself, and also fill it out from your H's viewpoint. Decide what YOUR emotional needs are...and try to figure out what his are. Ask him to do the same thing both ways. And use that as a basis to START your talks with him. Take this with you to marriage counseling. It can be done...but I really think that the both of you are going to have to learn how to be a married couple to begin with...I don't think that either of you truly learned to do so the first time. If you're serious about giving this a shot, let me know. There are a lot of good books out there that can give you a ton of info that can help you do this.
THX2000 Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 ScarletLetter- I've posted to you a few times, so I hope you take this post in the manner in which I mean it...not an attack, but wanting to help you clearly understand your own situation better. You said: My wife used a similar argument when we first started marriage counseling...BEFORE she decided to reconcile with me. Only she didn't call it abuse...she basically tried to call it neglect. Our MC at the time tried hard to get her to realize that there were two seperate issues in what she was trying to say. While I may have contributed to the state of our marriage, the choice to have the affair was entirely hers. I freely admit things weren't "perfect" in our marriage...no marriage truly is. And through the course of things, my wife began to realize that part of the issue was that she never TOLD me what she was feeling, what was wrong from her point of view. She hinted, she assumed... But men don't work well with hints. Men typically need to be TOLD directly...it's a difference in our communication processes. She wanted me to change things, but never provided clear explanations of what needed to change. Now, I accept that I had a LARGE stake in what went wrong up to that point. There were a lot of changes I made shortly after I learned of my wife's affair...changes that led to our marriage being a LOT better now than it was. But ultimately, the choice to have the affair was hers...it had nothing to do with me. Your choice to have an affair was your own...regardless of the state of your marriage. Your choice to have an affair is NOT your husband's fault. He contributed to the conditions of the marriage...but he didn't make the choice for you to have the affair. THIS WAS YOUR CHOICE ALONE. My wife had to realize that too. She had to accept responsibility for the affair before we could take any real steps in fixing our marriage. I realize that you have absolutely no intent whatsoever in reconciling your marriage...that you're simply biding your time until you can be with OM forever. But still, keep what I've said in mind...don't blame your H for your choice...blame him for the the things he did wrong, but not for something that I have no doubt that he would absolutely NOT have wanted if he'd been given the option. I'm still curious when/if you ever plan on telling him about the affair? Or do you intend to let him find out on his own eventually? Wow that sounds familiar. My ex also blamed the affair on me because "I drove her to it" and "she didn't mean for this to happen". People need to accept responsibility for the choices THEY make. Nobody can make you have an affair.
Author ladyofthenight Posted March 28, 2006 Author Posted March 28, 2006 I know that time will tell and time does help to heal but I also know that time does not heal all wounds it seems to take away some of the pain and hurt but there are wounds that will never fully heal. I do not mean to sound so pessimistic but I am speaking from experience on the issue of healing, for my part anyway. I do want to say thank you to all of you for your input, thoughts,and support. This is not an easy issue and knowing that I am not completely alone helps. Thanks again!! BI- I did not start the relationship with my MM until I had moved out and left my H. It was several weeks after moving out that I made the choice to get involved with my MM. The initial intent was to be stickly a PA. Should have known that the EA would get involved. I guess there the hurt I was feeling and the pain inside blinded me to that and would not accept facts. Owl-Thankyou and I am going to look into that website you listed. I guess from here I have to find out just how serious my H is to making the relationship work. If he still wants to try. He does know that I have been involved with another man, what he doesn't know is just how involved it has gotten.
Owl Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 He does know that I have been involved with another man, what he doesn't know is just how involved it has gotten. Odds are he suspects more than you think. It's hard to hide that kind of emotional detachment for long. And, it's entirely possible that he could choose not to want to reconcile with you once he does know the full truth too. It's important to base any relationship the two of you might have going forward on HONESTY. Anything less will likely be just a setup for another round of hurt and broken hearts.
Author ladyofthenight Posted March 28, 2006 Author Posted March 28, 2006 That is the scarry part for me. Truth be told that is why I have not been entirely open and honest with either my H or the OM. I have never seen myself as one who can stand on their own two feet. I have never felt secure without the security of a relationship. This is something I am working on for myself to better myself. I have told my MM everything and that I can not continue to live this way. I haven't found the guts yet to call my H and find out exactly how he feels and what he thinks. I have come close, I even drove over there last night, sat in the driveway, but did not have the courage to knock on the door, so I left and drove back to my home. I know that one of my emotional needs is security from any realtionship that I am in. I have started reading all I can on the website you posted earlier and have actually learned quite abit about not only myself but how little I truely know/knew about my H. Thank you!
Owl Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Well, per your original post, your divorce is going to be final in about two weeks. It seems that you need to learn that strength to stand on your own soon. MM isn't going to leave his wife and family...you've noted so yourself. Personally, I think that you ought to try to use this time to help shore up your own self confidence and worth by DOING this on your own. Break it off with MM... End it with H... And find out just how strong YOU are. My money says you'll be amazed, and that it will set the stage for you to find someone single who'll APPRECIATE having someone who can 'stand on her own'.
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