valparaiso2 Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Dear community. Guy 27 years old. I have been in a relationship with same girl for several years. At times I really, really had doubts about the relationship. While we have been together for a long time in this year particularly we have had a long distance relationship, due to university. This was planned well in advance, and I would not say the long distance relationship has changed anything, it has just made things clearer, and in some way I feel that I now know why our relationship have been difficult sometimes already. My girlfriend has sometimes a very low self-estime, despite of the fact that I have really tried over and over again to chear her up, and tell her that she is fantastic. My big problem is that I love her, and i want to support her and give her as much confidence in what she is doing as i can. I really believe that i do so, and i try to encourage her as much as possible, but in fact it does not help much anyway, as she is sometimes, not always, without believe in herself, and her abilities. This is a big problem for me, in brief I have the fealing, that if she was not so unsure about herself, and could tell me everything she really wanted I would feel much more certain about the relationship with her, and have no doubt spending my future with her. Now it feels like, the more weak she seems, the less I am attracted to her (and the more I doubt staying in relationship) although I really believe that I do what I can to try to give her self confidence. The low self estime also mean that I take all important decisions in the relationship, and it is really tiring in the end. In fact, I do not like deciding much myself, I really wished, she would tell me her dreams and demands as well, but although I have encouraged her to do so again and again it does not help. Therefore, despite of the fact that this really in most ways is the perfect girl for me I keep doubting and fear that I can not stay in a relationship like this because it drives me tired to be responsible for everything, because she does not take initiatives. Any views on a situation like this would be appreciated. Just a last word to underline what I have already written, I have really tried for a long time to try to help her gather self-estime, but it does not help, and in some way I also have the feeling that "this is not my job". I (at least try to) support her in everything she does as much as I can, but I can not push her to things she does not want. Well, a bit confusing situations, but views would be appreciated thank you so much...
MusicWoman Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 Hey, the big problem you have here...is thinking that you and you alone can raise her self esteem. Its called self esteem for a reason. But, your not incorrect in thinking that you can help in some way. I'm sure that with your encouragment and support and compliments and such that she is feeling a lot better than she would be otherwise. One thing that could really help her would be counseling...do you think she would be up for it?
Ria Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 university can really put a lot of stress on a relationship... maybe once the semester is over things will look brighter. (or maybe you're discovering something...) ...just a thought...
MadDog Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 It's pretty simple. She has to deal with her issues regarding low self esteem by herself, potentially with the aid of a counselor. There's nothing you can say or do that's going to increase her self esteem. People with these type of issues have self-defeating thought processes which are deeply ingrained. Simply telling her things you think might help really won't do very much, at least not in the long term. So you're left with a decision. You can either accept her for who she is and try to be happy with her (it doesn't sound like you are) or move on to someone who doesn't have these issues. The biggest mistake you can make is to stay with her and expect her to change when it comes to her self esteem. At best, it's like trying to skate uphill--and the hill is covered with ice. MD
Ceramica Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I almost lost my boyfriend due to my negative thoughts and low self-esteem. He initiated a 'break', told me what he felt was the problem, and tried to maintain no contact. I knew then that it was my last chance to shape up. I did everything I could think of to stop my negative cycle of thoughts.I even bought a hypnotherapy CD on Positive Thinking. He saw that I was truly trying and changing little by little, smiling more, sulking less, and now we are back together, happier and more satisfied than ever. So basically, a serious ultimatum was what did it for me.
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