TravelLight Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 It's been 7 months since the breakup and 4 months of no contact. I have come along way; took everyones advice and slowly got my life back on track. My life now is about to make some signifcant changes, career and location wise. Everyone says you should just follow what you want to do, not give a thought about her. It's just that there was a future with her that was following a path, a future I would have very much liked and worked hard for. I would really love to speak to her again. To know we had a chance. Things got so messy and life was unfair to us. Has this time apart changed us? Regardless of reconcilation, I would like to sit and have a conversation with her. I would like to apologise for some things that happened in the breakup and for us to forgive our mistakes and wish each other well. She was an important part of my life and I still care about her. Is there an approach to do this? So much time has passed I'm not sure if it would be brave or foolish. Any thoughts please.
CaliGuy Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Read my thread on second chances in my signature please. If you are going to break NC to get an answer, be prepared to hear something you won't like.
Author TravelLight Posted March 27, 2006 Author Posted March 27, 2006 Thanks for the reply Cali. I have done everything in the post and have done it very well, though it took me some time to see the results. Could I walk on in life without seeing her again? There has been a lot of time for me to prepare for that conclusion. I do not fully understand the demise of the relationship. That is part of what I would like to know. It was something I did not see coming, especially considering our circumstances. The converstations we had about it at the time were not rational. Someone else, fell out of love, confused? I don't know really know. That is only something she can tell me. It would be good for me to know so I can be stronger in future relationships. I still very much care for her after all this time. I'm sorry, I know the answers are here already but it is hard to become cold about it. Is there a good way of asking for a meeting to talk about this. Will she want to confront it?
trone Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Travel, I am in a very similar situation and plus i am moving overseas for a year. I would still love to be able to talk to her not to reconcile or anything, just to be able to talk. But as Cali said, you should be ready to hear something that you won't like. I feel better and i do not want to mess the things up (my mind) right before I leave and I think that is what keeps me away from contacting her right now. But I am still thinking...
Author TravelLight Posted March 27, 2006 Author Posted March 27, 2006 Thanks Trone. I have had absolute polar thoughts about contacting her these last couple of weeks. In one way, I am considering that my utter silence may have her thinking and this can only be good. She must be having some of the flashbacks I've been experiencing of late and would like to be in touch. Or perhaps not. I am just having a hard job painting the ex into some kind of monster as some advice gives. I have no idea what she's thinking. She is stubborn enough to reside herself to the fact that I am not calling so she won't. Thus it maybe so till we move to the next life.
CaliGuy Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Like I said, guys. If you can't resist the urge to break NC, then be prepared for bad news. Ask yourself "What will I gain from contacting her?" If you can not clearly define what your intention is for breaking NC other than to say "Hi, I'm still out here pining for you!" then my advice is to not break NC. Remember, contact really needs to come from the dumper, not the dumpee, if you wish to maintain your dignity. Also, do you really want to give your Ex control over your feelings? If so, then break NC. If not, then I say let sleeping dogs like and act as if they are never coming back. It's the best way to heal and should they ever contact you, you will be in a much better position to say no or lay down some serious ground rules.
Author TravelLight Posted March 28, 2006 Author Posted March 28, 2006 Cali, thanks. The force of no contact prevails. I feel like Luke with the pull of the darkside but somehow he comes through Seriously though, I am amazed at the conviction you have to just let the meaning of your relationship just disappear. Do you not wish to share any moments with your ex again? What about all those holidays you had, the things only you and her saw? There must be something between cold-hearted ex or second chance.
lexilas Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 TravelLight: Seriously though, I am amazed at the conviction you have to just let the meaning of your relationship just disappear. Do you not wish to share any moments with your ex again? What about all those holidays you had, the things only you and her saw? Some things in life you will never know the answer to - even if you ask. If you've made progress, why would you want to regress by trying to share moments that have long since come and gone? Too hard - better to keep moving forward.
In Sync Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 Cali, thanks. The force of no contact prevails. I feel like Luke with the pull of the darkside but somehow he comes through Seriously though, I am amazed at the conviction you have to just let the meaning of your relationship just disappear. Do you not wish to share any moments with your ex again? What about all those holidays you had, the things only you and her saw? There must be something between cold-hearted ex or second chance. Whatever there is between cold-hearted ex or second chance is not your concern. Only you know how far you've come from the time of your breakup. If this ex has not contacted you, isn't it well, presumptuous to assume she has not moved on in her life. 7 months. By contacting her you are indicating quite the contrary...leave it to your imagination that she's gone and you go on with your success. Why is it never enough to be satosfied with your own accomplishments? Don't break NC. Ask yourself why hasn't she contacted you. If you can provide 10 good reasons outside of she was in a coma. Then do it. But if you can't come up with one rock hard excuse then...as Caliguy said prepare to hear what you may not be expecting. But in the meanwhile you'll have given her an ego boost. "Wow this guy is still thinking about me." if we were m,eant to hang on to every single relationship we had, would you not be married to the first girl you ever dated back in grade school?
kitten chick Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 If you're ready, break it. Confront your past and move on.
CaliGuy Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 Cali, thanks. The force of no contact prevails. I feel like Luke with the pull of the darkside but somehow he comes through Then listen to Obi-Wan. "There is no try, only do or do not." Seriously though, I am amazed at the conviction you have to just let the meaning of your relationship just disappear. Do you not wish to share any moments with your ex again? What about all those holidays you had, the things only you and her saw? The problem isn't coming from me, my friend. I would love to share those moments but she's making new ones with a new guy and could care less about 'our' moments. Oh sure, she may look upon them fondly, but they don't mean anything to her anymore. She has a new guy and as long as that is fruitful she will not be missing what we had. There must be something between cold-hearted ex or second chance. In affairs where protecting your heart is essential, there is only black or white.
kitten chick Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Honestly, I broke NC after 10 months and I only wish I did it sooner. It was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. Part of me wishes I didn't listen to everyone when they told me that I shouldn't contact him after about 5 months NC because I could have put it behind me a lot sooner and potentially created a lot less animosity between everyone involved.
In Sync Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Just like the debate which came first the chicken or the egg, there will always be a debate about NC vs BREAKING CONTACT. Two schools of thought. As always I stated I never saw the logic of breaking it, even in the early stages of my breakup because if it's broke its broke. I'm not saying the urge wasn't there but for myself I felt getting past this urge was the way to go. I don't need to know what my ex is thinking to move on. Just like they don't need to know my state of mind to live life without me. For me that is giving them power over my peace of mind instead of me finding it within myself. So each camp will defend what works for them and the debate will go on and on.
jerbear Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 For me, right now NC because I can not be disturbed by an ex. I am about to complete a major goal in my life and can not be taken down right now. A break is a break, might as well use the time for something more productive. Now afterwards, I MIGHT consider breaking NC or letting her break it; because I am a better person. More time, better educated, completed a life goal, and most importantly clear and level headed. Just using myself as an example.
oss91 Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 it is said that knowledge is power and yet ignorance is bliss. which would you rather be? myself, i'd rather have the truth and knowledge with nothing left unresolved for me to always wonder about. if i were you, get in touch with her. what's the worst that can happen? you've gone four months without speaking, so talking with her for a few minutes shouldn't "put you back" too far. you're moving on anyhow, so you might as well get the most out of the relationship (whatever you still have left) and apply it further on down the road. otherwise you'll just always wonder what happened and not know why things ended like they did. go for it if you wish, but again, just be prepared for whatever may come.
In Sync Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 QUESTION? How do you know that the person you are willing to get any "closure" from is going to tell you the truth? What's to say that if you approach an ex, that broke it off (what makes you think they are going to be truthful to you just because you confront them. What if they feed you bs. Polite b.s. but b.s just the same. Are they going to confess they're miserable without you (so that explains why they didn't feel miserable enough to contact you) or will they say that their own lives are tanking? why would they tell you that? Or will they tell you they're happy and doing fine. That is something you couldn't figure out by their not contacting you. Would you tell your ex that you broke off a relationship with anything other than good news. I mean how do you know if they are being honest or just fake polite. Most people don't like the akwardness of rehashing the past, so they'll feign politeness. So that is something to find out after months of recovery?
Author TravelLight Posted March 29, 2006 Author Posted March 29, 2006 Thanks all for your replies. I've pretty much come to the to the point and accepted that she is not going to want me back. It was pretty definite for her at the time back then so I do not see her changing her mind. I have no idea where she is, what she's doing and who she is doing it with. When I said 'No contact' for 4 months I mean absolutely zero. I'm actually not too concerned with knowing these matters. Igorance is bliss when it comes to that. But everyone has to come to the conclusion that an ex will not be single forever; some point in the future they will be in a relationship. Painful though it is my feelings about this are changing. I want to know that she's OK, that her family are OK. They may not be showing me this consideration but it doesn't stop me caring. It was a messy breakup. I was very hurt and said some things I shouldn't have. Chased her and pestered her (shame). Now it has passed I would like to feel she could tell me the truth and we can reflect on the relationship. I don't want to draw my own conclusions from the breakup. I would like to know what happened so I can learn from it. I don't see this as easy. This is a tough thing to do and I hope I can maintain my position, keep my dignity and wish her well for the future. I hope she will be happy. It sounds funny saying that after I was completely screwed over, emotionally and financially, by her decision. I don't want to demonize her. If she is utterly cold with me, as last time, I will rise above it and see it as a survival tactic. I am hoping she has thawed and would in the least show some considerate words. I would like to say though that the advice I have followed on here has put me in the right direction. I have my fitness, new friends and a new direction and purpose to life. It would be crazy to do this without having those things in place. Yep, life is tough still for me but when you go through so much you discover a new person in you that deals with it. There are things that I have learnt about myself over these months that will not be taken away. I will use the Force, Obi-Wan.
Author TravelLight Posted March 30, 2006 Author Posted March 30, 2006 I thought I could handle it. I was wrong. Should have listened to the advice. I feel so desperately low again, considering the point of it all. She will not talk to me about it. What did I do to her? I do not know. She left me with so much to deal with after so many sacrifices. How I can trust anyone again? I do not know what to do. I am so incredibly hurt.
bendit Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 omg....can someone point me to a post where renewed contact actually HELPED them? no contact = NO NEW HURTS.
CaliGuy Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 The only thing you can do travellight is to LET GO. Completely. Some people just can't face those questions. My ex was one of them. She was so worried about insulting me that she wouldn't be up front and honest with me. Follow my second chance guide. The advice in there will arm you with everything you need to get over her as quickly as you can and set yourself up for the right woman to come into your life.
In Sync Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 I thought I could handle it. I was wrong. Should have listened to the advice. I feel so desperately low again, considering the point of it all. She will not talk to me about it. What did I do to her? I do not know. She left me with so much to deal with after so many sacrifices. How I can trust anyone again? I do not know what to do. I am so incredibly hurt. Are you telling us that you did break NC, that's the impression I got from "she will not talk about it." Ok, so is this the closure you were looking for? I don't get why you, who were doing so well, needed to send yourself back to that desperate state. Trust me, when people talk about not breaking NC, it's not out of trying to be mean it's for your own benefit. You won't die from heartache or being hurt but what's the logic of breaking NC? You already knew where she stood by 7 months of silence. When people suggest breaking it, especially when the ex's have not made that first step, I tend to think that this suggestion is underminding the healing process. It's like suggesting to some don't finish taking the penicillin just because you're beginning to feel better. Do NC completely. Now you are back at square one.
Author TravelLight Posted March 30, 2006 Author Posted March 30, 2006 This is insurmountable for me. I am at a loss now. Will never know. I just don't know what to do anymore. Can't see a way out of everything.
KittenMoon Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 Sorry for your pain, TL. Concerning your regrets on having broken NC, my mom has been saying something I think is pretty wise at the times where I have been regretting saying/doing something. She has said: "You dealt with it in the way you thought was best at the time." It doesn't sound like much, but it says a couple of things. One, you did what you did, and two, you can't change it now but don't beat yourself up over it. You dealt with this pain before, you can do it again.
Author TravelLight Posted March 30, 2006 Author Posted March 30, 2006 I stood by her through all her problems. We agreed to move away from friends and family and my stable job. She has stablility now and things are very, very tough for me. She knew it was going to be like this, as did I. But we did it for our future. She can not bring herself to even give me an explanation as to what happened. Instead I just have to turn this stuff over in my head and look for reasons. How am I supposed to have a trusting relationship again? I have too much on my plate now thanks to my partner that walked away. I do not want to hate her. I want to forgive her and wish her well. But I am so incredibly hurt and confused.
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