Guest Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Hello everyone, I really could use some input here. I proposed to my then fiancé in Aug. 05 and she called off the engagement in Jan 06 as well as ending our relationship after 18 months together. I really feel like she’s abandoned me. I am tired, I’m heart-broken, and I still suffer the pain of her leaving even after 3 months apart. She has dictated how everything will be. She doesn’t want me to call her, no e-mails, no leaving her notes or sending cards in the mail. She doesn’t even want me to drive down the street she lives on. I’ve only had contact with her two times in passing; we spoke a couple of words to each other. She’s told me and through her best friend that she needs to be apart from me so she can “heal” and “get back to her old self.” She said that the only way she can do that is if I’m not trying to be apart of her life. She said to her friend, “I’m not saying this out of anger, it’s more out of desperation.” Her friend said that if I loved her like I said I did, as hard as it would be, I’d give her the space and time she says she wants. She’s said, “At this time, we’re done.” She wrote me e-mail once and said, “I know you want me to give you an answer how things will be between us, but I don’t see a future right now. And, if there is one, I don’t know if or when that might happen.” I’ve tried forgetting about her, but I can’t. I’ve tried to go on with my life but it seems too hard. I can’t stop thinking of her/us, I miss her so much, and I loved her with all my heart and was committed to her. I invested my time, energy, and emotions and believed I was always putting her first. I never saw the end result coming. Never believed she could cause me so much pain. I now know why she left, but not because she herself told me. During the last 6 months together, I fought more with her. I was verbally abusive to her. There, I’ve said it – I’m an abuser. I now realize that it was probably there the entire time, but only became worse towards the end. A number of people have asked me how I couldn’t know what I was doing to her. I didn’t, or if I did I minimized it. Fight, and then make up. It was an ugly cycle of verbal abuse – put downs, cursing, etc. I could never understand where my anger came from. and I’m still learning. After she left, I immediately sought therapy, now 9 week plus. She said I had integrity if I’d go get the help I needed. She said I needed to focus only on me and not us, don’t worry about what our relationship is or isn’t. I’ve tried to do that. I understand I need to do things for myself rather than as an attempt to get her back. Still, in my heart of hearts I still love her and am still in love with her. I wish I could start all over again with her but it seems like she won’t give me that chance. Being apart for so long seems to have made it easier on her, more difficult for me. The only way I see a reconciliation happening is if she were to open the lines of communication up, otherwise it looks like she doesn’t want anything and has gone on with her life. I wonder if I’m waiting for nothing? Is it possible that we could get back together again? I was faithful and honorable to her. She seems very happy when I do get occasional feedback. I didn’t murder, steal, cheat, drink, drugs. What I am guilty of is the abuse. I accept responsibility for my actions; the consequences feel too harsh for me. I’d appreciate anyone’s comments, I can’t respond back real-time so I’ll read comments later and try to respond then. Thanks.
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