Need some unbiased views. Worried I'm being naive again.

[Walk]

I'm having a problem, and I'm not sure if I'm blowing it out of proportion or not. I'm going to give my perspective, and hopefully you can read past the emotion and see the facts to make a judgement on what you see.

 

My bf and I were at the bookstore yesterday and this woman next to us suddenly calls out my bf's name. He very obviously didn't recognize her for several seconds. They start chatting like old friends. He still didn't introduced me. However, he did grab my hand to hold it while talking to her. She introduces herself to me. Not sure if he had forgotten her name, or just lacked the social graces to consider introducing me.

 

He invites her to sit and have coffee with us at the attached coffee shop. Me and this woman are joking around some, in a friendly way. Normal stuff. We get our coffee and sit. I wasn't left out of the conversation or anything. The woman seemed incredibly charismatic and outgoing. Fun. I liked her, but was still a little weirded out because the bf has always ditched and run from everyone he runs into. Everyone. This is the only person in 2 years of knowing him that he has invited to sit and have coffee with us. Or gone out of his way to continue a conversation with. It wasn't "normal" for him to do this.

 

The reason we were at the bookstore was to meet my parents for coffee. They show up, the girl is still sitting there. My parents sit with us. The girl talks to my parents and us. I was talking to my parents about stuff they were doing, and while I'm talking to them, the bf and this girl are seemingly in a deep conversation about something. I was trying to listen to my parents, but was getting jealous about the bf and this girl. My parents were giving me funny looks, like "who is this girl, and why is your bf so deep in conversation with her."

 

Jump forward... Bf says he wants to go outside for a cigarette. Parents say they are going to browse the store. Bf gets up and walks with the girl toward the front... just left me standing there. Girl and him get to front door. Bf goes outside, girl heads deeper into the store.. I was left standing there. I followed him, and he says that he thought I was going to stick with the parents. I ask him who this girl is. He tells me an old friend from several years ago. He never dated her. Just friends. No sex ever. She wasn't' his type. He'd turned her down a long time ago, and although she was a lot of fun and nice girl, she wasn't his type. etc.

 

Okay.. so I was feeling a bit better about the situation. She was just a friend, I have male friends, so he can have female friends, right? No reason to be jealous or anything. I over reacted. I felt kind of foolish, but still a little off center... disconcerted.

 

I had a gift in the car for my Dad, and tell the bf I'm going to go find Dad to give him the gift and then maybe we could leave. He says fine. He's going to find this girl and say bye and to call him on the cell when I'm ready to go. (He never cares to say bye to people. Finding her to specifically say he's leaving is highly out of character for him.)

 

I give dad the gift, etc.. go back in to find bf. I didn't call him. I wanted to see how they interacted without me present. Just to ease my mind. Show myself there was nothing to be jealous about.

 

I searched for like 10 minutes. Couldn't' find either of them. No where. Even checked the bathrooms. Finally I wander over to the little kids section which is enclosed by walls. And find them. Her sitting cross-legged on the floor, and the bf laying on his stomach next to her. Not touching. But only about 2 feet in between them. (He's big on person space. Yet he's really close to her). She's talking on his cell phone to her husband. She say's to me .. oh, this can't look good, sitting on the floor and talking on his phone. Then she says she found my bf laying in one of the aisles and she told him the only acceptable place a person can lie on the floor at is the kids section, so they went there.

 

He didn't bother to get up. He acted like all was normal. I was completely weirded out and didn't know what to do. So I sat down next to him. He scooted closer to me. Tried to joke with me a bit. He obviously wasn't going to get up, or want to leave, so finally I just stood up and handed him his keys. I was going to leave and walk home. I really, really did not want to be anywhere near there any more. I didn't say anything. Just got up. She says, "looks like she's ready to go." Bf gets up then and we leave.

 

He asks what's wrong as we're walking to the car. I tell him very calmly and without any anger that I was very disconcerted to find him lying on the floor in the kids section next to a woman who was using his phone. So he tells me that she was his friend for several years, nothing ever went on between them. That he'd had the opportunity before.. That she's a very outgoing person who makes you feel comfortable with her. That his actions with her are normal for who he was before he met me. (his lifestyle changed a lot because of a different job when we met and he doesn't have time or energy to interact with many people now.) Said I should call her and talk to her to ease my mind if I wanted to. But that she was a really good person and they used to be good friends for several years. But had lost touch after she had moved away about 4 years ago.

 

Sorry this is so long...

 

I was okay until I started thinking about it. Were they "hiding" in the kids section? Or was it innocent? When she asked if we were bf and gf, I had to answer. She asked how long we'd been together (He damn well knows cause he'll tell me to the minute how long we've been together) he wouldn't answer her. But the entire time he held my hand. I even pulled it away for a bit to see if he would take it, or not. He reached over and grabbed my hand again. He continued to touch me, and stand close to me. And even slid closer to me in the "kids" section while lying on the floor.

 

BUT, he never acts like this. Never. What the hell. I don't want to be jealous. She seems like a really great person. She's married. But I'm jealous. And I'm concerned that I'm blowing this out of proportion. Up until yesterday, I would've sworn under oath that he would never even look at another woman. He's always full attention on me, no matter where we're at. So this really has me thrown for a loop. But he swears there are no feelings there. He was really attentive to me the rest of the evening. More so then usual. He wanted to discuss it with me. He suggested that I call her and talk to her if I still have any jealousy. (He has her number now because she used his phone to call her husband).

 

If there's nothing to be jealous about then how do I stop being jealous? I don't want to bring it up again with him because I don't want to beat a dead horse. If there's really nothing wrong, then I'm only going to cause problems if I can't let go of the jealousy.

 

Do I have reason to be jealous? Or am I totally blowing this out of proportion? And I feel disrespected... am I over reacting? Remember, this is all from my perspective, so try to see past the emotions to his actions.

[Art_Critic]

I was completely weirded out

 

Can't blame you.. anybody would've been.. Your boyfriend cross the line and disrespected you and your parents.. he should've told the girl that he would catch up with her later that he was busy with you and your parents.

 

You deserve an apology.. I don't think he was doing anything as bad as cheating but he was an ass to you..

 

Talk with him about he treated you and your parents and see if he will apoligize

[Candied-Heart]

Wow. This was like reading something I would write. Not that I'm in this situation. Just the thought pattern.

 

"Finding her to specifically say he's leaving is highly out of character for him."

Yeah, that's weird for anyone to do. You had the conversation already, you obviously found it acceptable to walk away [which would seem an appropriate gesture of 'bye now'], why the need to go and seek OUT someone once again to say.. goodbye?

 

I think your BF really didn't mean to be so rude to you. Though he should have answered her Qs and not left it up to you.

 

I know my BF had a best friend who he never had relations with, but had an Ex [well, GF at the time] who was very paranoid because she would come home to him lying with his head on her knee whilst she massaged his scalp and talked endlessly about her day. Definitely unacceptable to me, and most women, and totally in his and her personal space, almost something I'd say is only left for a couple to do with each other, yet she was just the same as this woman, comfortable to talk to and made you feel this way. Some people just have this quality about them. I do agree that it is terribly invasive to the GF in his life and probably something this woman, as nice as she intends to be, should catch onto and realise she needs to back away slightly.

 

I would feel disrespected, because if he's been with me that long he should KNOW how to conduct himself with another woman. Not in a controlling sense. But behaving this way towards an almost stranger of a few years is very unnerving. I would say you had every right to feel upset and confused. definitely make it clear that it bothered you and try to establish with him that it made you feel unlike yourself; jealous and questioning of his intentions. Hopefully he can set this straight with you, and this friend of his.

 

Hope you feel better soon!! He seems very focused on you. I really think he was just being a dumb boy

[catgirl1927]

This one is tough. I would be as freaked out as you are. I definitely would be embarassed to be treated that way in front of your parents.

 

I tend to overreact to these kinds of things, so I'm probably not the best for advice. But I don't think that anything you are feeling is out of line.

[Walk]

Do you think it'd be a good idea to set some ground rules for interaction between opposite sex friends? I'm not sure what those would be though...

No lying next to them would be a good start, but where's the line between friendly and overly friendly? Talking intently vs just talking... How would you define the line if you were to discuss it with your SO?

 

I think I missed my window of opportunity to address the issue. I couldn't differentiate my feelings enough at the time to realize what was affecting me. (Jealous or feeling disrespected.) I think he considers it a closed chapter. He's explained himself. I accepted. To re-address the situation would send the message that I didn't believe anything he said. But I'm still upset.

 

And I think part of his action was because he has been feeling really down on himself about how he looks and his level of attractiveness. So to have a woman express interest in him could make a person act out of character. Even if he had no intention of pursuing it. Another part of me wonders if he didn't do this on purpose in order to make me jealous. To attempt to make me "fight" for him, or to have two women in contest over him. He's told me in the past that he believes that if a woman is really serious about keeping her man that she'll try harder to please him in order to keep him. But I just get quiet and leave. If my guy wants someone else, then go for it. But I'm leaving and never coming back. Guess I always figured that if all my effort up to that point wasn't enough to keep his attention, then nothing I do is going to keep it for good and it's better just to walk away at that point. He see's that as not caring though.

 

The other thing that irritates me... he got jealous one time because a friend of mine (male) sat and talked with me at a coffee shop while I was waiting for the bf to come down. I wasn't lying next to him. My bf had met this guy on several occasions. We were sitting across a very big table with probably 5 feet in between us, and my bf was jealous. I completely stopped talking to this friend so as not to make the bf jealous. So why would he think it was okay to lay next to a girl in a book store with less then 2 feet between them? And he said it was because that's how he used to act, before me. That this was what was normal for him. But he also told me he used to be a huge player. Dated and slept with numerous women. So I link "old" behavior with trying to get women. "new" behavior with having a SO you love and care about. Yet "old" behavior was what he was supposedly doing.... aarrgghhh.. wish we'd never friggin' gone to the bookstore yesterday.

[catgirl1927]

His jealousy would be a red flag to me. I don't like there to be two sets of rules.

 

I also don't like that "fight for me" bs. It's juvenile.

[blind_otter]

It's dangerous to try to rationalize someone else's behavior.

 

That's not naive. It's deliberately ignoring your instincts.

[noclobber]

You are over-reacting Walk!

[Walk]

You are over-reacting Walk!

Yeah. I think so. I feel a little more secure now. He came home this afternoon and snuggled with me for a long while. He was really exhausted, and said he was going to take a nap. Then rubbed noses with me, and kissed me really sweetly. He didn't have to come home today, and it would've been easier on him if he hadn't. Just taken the load down to the shipper and taken his break down there. It will cost him a few hours extra in his day since he came home. And really the only reason was for me.

 

I decided I'd take a big picture view on this. If for some reason I found phone calls later to her, or find out she's calling him and he never says anything, then I'll get upset... til then, I really have no reason not to trust him. He's had plenty of opportunities to cheat and never has.

 

I still agree with Art on this... he could've found a better way to catch up with her later. And I think if there's a next time then I'll pull him aside and let him know there's a more polite and respectful way of handling the situation. I was just really caught off guard by the whole thing at the time. I think I should have released him from the obligation of sitting there with me and my parents... let him talk with her somewhere else. I know him well enough that he doesn't like to be rude to people usually. He probably wouldn't have felt comfortable telling her to go away now that he had invited her to sit and have coffee with us. She made no move to leave, even though I think a normal person would've. And he didn't want to leave and get her out of there because of fear of how I would react. I think he was caught in a no win. Throw in the fact that he did used to be really good friends with her, and would've wanted to catch up, and he's left having to decide whether to piss off his girlfriend, or the other friend, and I think he was making an attempt at keeping both semi-happy.

 

I don't want him to have to piss off a friend because I'm jealous. That's not right. I've had it done to me, and it sucks. Especially if there is honestly nothing going on... And if he chooses to pursue her behind my back, then I think I'm smart enough to figure it out and make the appropriate decision. I'll just keep my eyes open for any weird/strange behavior.

[nicki]

Yeah, but I bet you wouldn't mind him pissing HER off to please YOU. You are the priority here.

 

Why do you think you should have let him go off and have a personal conversation with her while you sat with your parents? I wouldn't have allowed that.

 

You were very nice and gracious to her by inviting her to chat for a few minutes.That's enough. When your parents arrived, I would have said "Nice meeting you. Bye bye"

 

He belonged with you and your parents. You are the girlfriend. It would have been disrespectful of him to leave the table and go talk to this girl. She's not his long lost sister!

 

Did you say he was once a player? A flirt? I doubt he was doing anything, but I can be a bit untrusting, even jealous. I would nip this kind of behavior in the bud. No more lying next to another woman in the book store.

 

Go ahead and ask him if he will let you know if they talk again. You should be in the loop on any plans, even invited along.

 

I think you should listen to your instinct that his behavior is out of line, but the only reaction you need to have is to talk about boundaries/rules. Tell him how you feel, how you interpret his behavior. Then let him know what you want him to do next time a situation like this comes up.

[Candied-Heart]

Glad to hear you aren't taking this too far. I do believe from what you've written that he didn't have any intention or anything 'hidden' behind it.

 

Throw in the fact that he did used to be really good friends with her, and would've wanted to catch up, and he's left having to decide whether to piss off his girlfriend, or the other friend, and I think he was making an attempt at keeping both semi-happy.

 

I have been in both situations. Once as a friend of a man who had an insecure GF and once as the GF feeling a bit confused. You're right. Either way he will try to make the other happy and someone always ends up walking away with a different opinion [negative] of the guy. He can be polite without pissing the GF off, he needn't be rude.