brightskies Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Are you in a serious relationship and waiting to have sex (until marriage, or for something else)? How old are you both and how long have you been together? What are your reasons for waiting? How are you maintaining "good behavior"? Also, how do you say "no" without making your bf/gf feel too badly about it? Also, does anyone know a non-religious, non-judgmental support group for this? It isn't easy holding off. And the more time we spend together the harder it is to do. Any advice is appreciated.
MadDog Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Aside from having a religious or moral opposition to premarital sex, I never understood the point of holding off on sex. I can see why you wouldn't want to get it on on the very first date but holding off indefinately is kind of strange too. It's kind of like making the payments on a brand new car and admiring it in your garage but never actually taking it out for a drive. Aren't you missing out on one of the major advantages of a relationship? MD
jerbear Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Regarding witholding sex... I hold out till at least date #2 or 3 because... I want to know if it is not just lust. She is the gatekeeper, so I usually let her know I'm interested (ie buy condoms with her)
MadDog Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Regarding witholding sex... I hold out till at least date #2 or 3 because... I want to know if it is not just lust. She is the gatekeeper, so I usually let her know I'm interested (ie buy condoms with her) You can figure out if it's not just lust on date 2 or 3? That's pretty good. I think that stage lasts at least a few months for me. Haha. That's a great idea taking her to buy condoms. Then she'll know you mean business without having to actually come out and say, "Let's get it on." For an added bonus, make sure you buy those Trojan Magnum XL condoms I like to get. Giving her a hint that you're well hung never hurts your prospects. MD
catgirl1927 Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Regarding witholding sex... I hold out till at least date #2 or 3 because... I want to know if it is not just lust. She is the gatekeeper, so I usually let her know I'm interested (ie buy condoms with her) That is just so classy. You are one smooth operator. You're like "The Continental."
jerbear Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Just like Walks' 10 questions thread. About condom, it was one of the student's project. No one else asked so I said; what was the results? I asked my fellow graduate students, yes, female graduate students what they thought was good. They said, ribbed for her pleasure; was better; super thin nope, magnum XL nope, it was ribbed and if adventurous flavored. I believe in keeping them interested, not with just sex. After reading a few posts on LS, I'll skip the friendship first and let her know I'm attracted, interested, and afterwards think of it as friendship on steroids. Well for me, I would at least like to know her first AND last name before getting it on. Usually the 2nd or 3rd date, you'll find out. 1st dates can be fluke sometimes; stress, shyness, etc... Know any single available redheads, let me know! :laughs: Gotta have fun on a monday.
Author brightskies Posted March 28, 2006 Author Posted March 28, 2006 Aside from having a religious or moral opposition to premarital sex, I never understood the point of holding off on sex. I can see why you wouldn't want to get it on on the very first date but holding off indefinately is kind of strange too. It's kind of like making the payments on a brand new car and admiring it in your garage but never actually taking it out for a drive. Aren't you missing out on one of the major advantages of a relationship? MD Personally, am holding off for practical reasons -- don't really want the confusion and premature emotional bonding induced by all those hormones (oxytocin, prolactin, etc.) without a more solid foundation. We've only been seeing each other since January. Just want to take things slow at this time until we're more sure of each other. I don't know about you, but even kissing makes me fuzzy-minded and incredibly stupid. And it would suck to wake up one day after the high of the honeymoon period wears off and realize I don't even know who he IS, really. We haven't had sex but we're plenty affectionate.
Author brightskies Posted March 28, 2006 Author Posted March 28, 2006 Do you find that if you become sexually active very early in the relationship, things start to revolve more around the sex and less about getting to know each other? Even when it's someone you care about?
Author brightskies Posted March 28, 2006 Author Posted March 28, 2006 I want to know if it is not just lust. Just lust on your side or her side?
MadDog Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 Do you find that if you become sexually active very early in the relationship, things start to revolve more around the sex and less about getting to know each other? Even when it's someone you care about? Maybe initially it's about the sex but if I'm actually dating the girl and it's not some one night stand situation (e.g. girl I picked up at the club), then I'll still be just as interested in getting to know what she's about. I understand though that girls commonly find the emotional experience and physical experience intertwined when it comes to sex whereas guys generally can seperate the two much easier. I would also understand why a girl might want to wait for a reasonable amount of time before getting dirty for the reasons you mentioned. I say a reasonable about of time because I know people will tell you, "If you respects you, he will wait however long you need" and this is crap. I might respect a girl but just the way I won't expect a girl who has a moral opposition to premarital sex to change on my account, don't expect me to change either. I can wait a while, but not too long. I can be just as disappointed waiting months to finally get it on with a girl and find out she's a dud in bed the way you can be disappointed having sex too early and finding out the guy has a dud personality. MD
jerbear Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 Do you find that if you become sexually active very early in the relationship, things start to revolve more around the sex and less about getting to know each other? Even when it's someone you care about? I think you can have sex then get to know each other. It is hard. I don't quite get it sometimes why women get attached then get hooked into; I love him because the sex is great, blah blah blah... Regarding caring, you can say I've lost that caring/loving feeling once I have sex early, it would be lust. As in sex on the first date. Regarding lust on her side, yes. Regarding lust on my side, yes. There has to be some attraction; I'm not going to enter into an FWB unwillingly. When I "enter" her, it is my opening up to her.
Author brightskies Posted March 28, 2006 Author Posted March 28, 2006 I can be just as disappointed waiting months to finally get it on with a girl and find out she's a dud in bed the way you can be disappointed having sex too early and finding out the guy has a dud personality. Good point! But if this person is someone you're interested in long-term, couldn't you "teach" him/her better sexual technique? Or do you prefer that your partner be skilled from the get-go? I feel like it's easier to learn/teach technique than to change someone's personality.
Nur Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 Are you in a serious relationship and waiting to have sex (until marriage, or for something else)? How old are you both and how long have you been together? What are your reasons for waiting? How are you maintaining "good behavior"? Also, how do you say "no" without making your bf/gf feel too badly about it? Also, does anyone know a non-religious, non-judgmental support group for this? It isn't easy holding off. And the more time we spend together the harder it is to do. Any advice is appreciated. I am in my first relationship. I am nineteen years old and he is eighteen. We've been dating for nine months. I would consider the relationship serious in that it's exclusive and deeply felt. I am waiting until marriage. I didn't always feel this way, but something in my conscience was bothering me when we considered having sex. Upon examination, I discovered that this is the option I feel most comfortable with. For one thing, there is no risk of pregnancy -- even birth control pills aren't perfect, and I honestly don't want to go down the road of dealing with unwanted pregnancy -- either having a baby I wasn't prepared for, or having to live with abortion. Both would be a tremendous emotional strain, and change my life. Abstinence is the only sure way to work. I also view sex as something very special -- something that I only want to share with someone with whom I am committed: the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with. Once you have sex, it's not as big of a deal anymore -- you are not a virgin, and it's just "something you do." Therefore I would feel inclined to do that with every serious relationship of my life, and I simply don't want to have had other sexual partners before my fiancee. Either I'd be marrried, thinking, "Boyfriend number three was better" or his sexual prowess might influence my saying, "yes." We can discuss sexual preferences or play around before marrying, getting a good feel for what the other likes or doesn't like without actually doing the deed. Another influence is our situation. I'm in college dorms, he's at home. When we do anything together, it's always stealthy or secret, sneaking around at night, driving back at forth in the wee hours of the morning. When I choose to go that far with someone, I want to be able to sleep guilt-free in their bed, or be alone in the house with them -- ie, a husband. I am against living together before marriage, unless you are, perhaps, engaged. Even then, I'm hesitant. But until we are adults, and have the true freedom of adults, acting like one seems pretty false. Those are my reasons, and what feels right to me. I respect that other people would rather take a "test drive" so to speak, but I don't feel that way. I would rather just grow and learn with the person I am in love with than have the baggage. I just use willpower to maintain good behavior (or, I guess, he does). We still do most else, and can satisfy each other without sex. It's probably easier for us since we're both still virgins. I have also found my libido to rise since I made that decision clear -- having the confidence that he would not want to go too far made me able to enjoy what I was doing much more. When I told my boyfriend about my decision, I just explained everything to him, and he understood (and even agreed with me on most of it!) He's not necessarily a "wait until marriage" kind of guy, but he respected and supported my feelings. It is difficult to find a non-religious support group. As far as I know, I am the only non-Christian of more than 70 people in my college with this choice. Mine is strictly moral. When I am being tempted, I just look over my reasons, and then I feel as strongly as ever about my choice, and I know that I am making the right one for me. I'm simply not ready, and won't be until I am with the one that I wish to give all of me to.
TheSwordfish Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 I don't have sex with someone I don't love. So I even put very pretty girls aside in the past, just because I felt it would be wrong to do it. So, I don't drink, don't use drugs and I only have seks with girls I really like. I enjoy having so much self control.
Author brightskies Posted March 29, 2006 Author Posted March 29, 2006 I am waiting until marriage. I didn't always feel this way, but something in my conscience was bothering me when we considered having sex. Upon examination, I discovered that this is the option I feel most comfortable with. For one thing, there is no risk of pregnancy -- even birth control pills aren't perfect, and I honestly don't want to go down the road of dealing with unwanted pregnancy -- either having a baby I wasn't prepared for, or having to live with abortion. Both would be a tremendous emotional strain, and change my life. I can relate to this. The idea of an unplanned pregnancy is scary. STD's are also a huge consideration -- even with condoms and good hygiene, there are some diseases that can still be transmitted (such as HSV type 1 and 2) through asymptomatic shedding and no obvious symptoms.
Author brightskies Posted March 29, 2006 Author Posted March 29, 2006 I don't have sex with someone I don't love. So I even put very pretty girls aside in the past, just because I felt it would be wrong to do it. So, I don't drink, don't use drugs and I only have seks with girls I really like. I enjoy having so much self control. How long does it take before you fall in love with a girl, and how do you decide that it's "love"? Isn't it tough to maintain so much self-control, especially in a liberal cultural environment?
Author brightskies Posted March 29, 2006 Author Posted March 29, 2006 Thanks for answering the questions so thoroughly. It's a lot to think about and you articulated your reasons very well. And I'm glad that your bf is so understanding. It can often be a deal breaker when one of the partners prefers to abstain.
MadDog Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Good point! But if this person is someone you're interested in long-term, couldn't you "teach" him/her better sexual technique? Or do you prefer that your partner be skilled from the get-go? I feel like it's easier to learn/teach technique than to change someone's personality. Ah yes, the whole "you can train her to be a better lover" theory. You're right. It's probably easier for a person to learn to be better in bed than to change their personality. In fact, I don't think it's a good idea to try to change a person's personality anyway. I guess I do prefer a girl who is already skilled from the start. She doesn't have to be a pornstar that knows 30 different positions but she needs to get me hot in the bedroom--that's pretty important to me. I guess there are girls that might not be the most skilled but they have a lot of potential because they get really into it. Those girls would be good to work with. The girls that aren't too into sex are probably never going to be that great in bed. MD
Author brightskies Posted March 29, 2006 Author Posted March 29, 2006 Ah yes, the whole "you can train her to be a better lover" theory. You're right. It's probably easier for a person to learn to be better in bed than to change their personality. In fact, I don't think it's a good idea to try to change a person's personality anyway. I guess I do prefer a girl who is already skilled from the start. She doesn't have to be a pornstar that knows 30 different positions but she needs to get me hot in the bedroom--that's pretty important to me. I guess there are girls that might not be the most skilled but they have a lot of potential because they get really into it. Those girls would be good to work with. The girls that aren't too into sex are probably never going to be that great in bed. MD Not trying to change someone's personality -- yes, I agree, it's not a good idea. I do think good make-out/kissing skills are a strong indicator of sexual potential. Being a good kisser is the gateway to more fun. And if your partner has an open mind to experimentation, even better. On the other hand, I HATE bad kissing. Have you ever had someone try to deep plumb your throat with his/her tongue so you couldn't breathe while banging his/her teeth on yours? Ugh. I was out with this guy J, and the first time he kissed me like that I thought he was just over-excited. I guess he wanted to come off as "aggressive," but it was really just annoying. He kept doing it even after I gently pointed out that it was not fun. Eventually it completely turned me off.
TheSwordfish Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 How long does it take before you fall in love with a girl, and how do you decide that it's "love"? Isn't it tough to maintain so much self-control, especially in a liberal cultural environment? Good questions. Infatuation goes fairly quikly, but after at least a month or two I know for sure if I really like someone. How do I decide that it is love? hmmm, Well, if I get really happy just thinking about her and I know her well enough to know that it is a great person, having the same feelings I do, I think it is love. But it is a really subjective matter. Maintaining self control isn't that tough. In my case it is just a matter of doing what I think is right. Again, really subjective. An example, a really pretty girl keeps inviting me to sleep over (Well she comes up with the strangest excuses), but I don't love her. Even though she looks great, I keep declining her invites. My friends call me an idiot....... maybe I am one. I don't drink, no matter how big the peer pressure is. Being confident and knowing what you want helps a lot when living in a liberal cultural environment.
Walk Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Personally, am holding off for practical reasons -- don't really want the confusion and premature emotional bonding induced by all those hormones (oxytocin, prolactin, etc.) without a more solid foundation. We've only been seeing each other since January. I can understand waiting to have sex for a period of time.. I didn't have sex with the current bf until about 3 months into the relationship. We talked about it a great deal. How we viewed it, what we liked, didn't like and what each of us wanted in an ideal partner. But I don't understand waiting until marriage, although I respect someones decision to do so. I don't see sex as "dirty" or immoral, so sharing that with the person I love isn't "wrong". In my view, there isn't much difference between having oral sex and coming and having intercourse. It's not the insertion that causes the closeness, but the sharing of the vulnerablility, and intimacy that occurs. So waiting to have sex, but everything else is okay to do, doesn't make sense to me. Nor does completely abstaining from any sexual contact. To me its kind of like denying your partner a part of you. And I think that there may be more psychological problems regarding sex then these women are willing to look at. (Not all women who choose this, but some.) Instead of facing some of the problems or views that may be unhealthy, they push off sex until marriage without ever having dealt with the unhealthy views or feelings related to sex. They feel morally righteous for choosing not to have sex, and are repressing the emotions and thought patterns that will cause them serious problems later down the road.
Author brightskies Posted March 29, 2006 Author Posted March 29, 2006 In my view, there isn't much difference between having oral sex and coming and having intercourse. It's not the insertion that causes the closeness, but the sharing of the vulnerablility, and intimacy that occurs. So waiting to have sex, but everything else is okay to do, doesn't make sense to me. You're right on point! And I agree, that oral sex is still "sex." And that sex isn't just limited to insertion/intercourse. My bf tried to start oral on me recently but it just felt "too close for comfort" and I had to stop him. I guess I'm just not ready right now, for whatever reason. Nor does completely abstaining from any sexual contact. To me its kind of like denying your partner a part of you. And I think that there may be more psychological problems regarding sex then these women are willing to look at. (Not all women who choose this, but some.) Instead of facing some of the problems or views that may be unhealthy, they push off sex until marriage without ever having dealt with the unhealthy views or feelings related to sex. They feel morally righteous for choosing not to have sex, and are repressing the emotions and thought patterns that will cause them serious problems later down the road. As usual, you make sense. Absolutely zero sexual contact (I think deep kissing and making out is still a form of sexual contact, but it's not full-on "sex"), would be kind of weird. As for issues -- maybe I'm being emotionally defensive? But I definitely don't feel "morally righteous" for deciding to wait for now. I'm just holding off on account of practicality -- health, intimacy, timing, and trust. And to be honest, maybe I'm a little nervous. Or plenty nervous. He can be pushy about it sometimes, seeing how far he can go, but only in a playful way. He still tries to control himself. But I understand where he's coming from, because in his previous relationships he was fully sexually active. So this is new to him.
Walk Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 As for issues -- maybe I'm being emotionally defensive? But I definitely don't feel "morally righteous" for deciding to wait for now. I'm just holding off on account of practicality -- health, intimacy, timing, and trust. And to be honest, maybe I'm a little nervous. Or plenty nervous. He can be pushy about it sometimes, seeing how far he can go, but only in a playful way. He still tries to control himself. But I understand where he's coming from, because in his previous relationships he was fully sexually active. So this is new to him I think "morally righteous" was a bit too far in my last post. I'm sorry if i offended you. I know those who choose not to have sex come off as being moraly righteous, when in reality they are probably just feeling defensive and attacked for their views. I'm probably off base on this, but do you think that a large majority of your issue with sex comes down to trust and intimacy? That maybe you are holding off on sex because of a fear of getting hurt? STD's and pregnancy are definitely a factor... but if you trusted him, then the fear of STD's would be limited, or non-existant. And precautions against pregnancy can be made. I took birth control, and made my ex wear a condom.. that eased my mind about the risk of pregnancy. Not saying that is an option for you. To me, it seems as though your biggest fear is related to trust. And at this point you don't feel you can trust him with all of your heart. You're keeping a part of you in reserve so that if something happens you will feel as though you can survive it. Am I anywhere close on that?
Author brightskies Posted March 29, 2006 Author Posted March 29, 2006 I think "morally righteous" was a bit too far in my last post. I'm sorry if i offended you. I know those who choose not to have sex come off as being moraly righteous, when in reality they are probably just feeling defensive and attacked for their views. To me, it seems as though your biggest fear is related to trust. And at this point you don't feel you can trust him with all of your heart. You're keeping a part of you in reserve so that if something happens you will feel as though you can survive it. Am I anywhere close on that? No worries, no offense taken at all! I was just clarifying, and I understand how different people have different sexual preferences. For sure, trust is definitely a huge part. And yeah, maybe I'm a little scared of being heartbroken again. My last relationship was a bit of a nightmare. Current bf, thankfully, is being good to me so I'm learning to open up again. He's a bit older and a lot more experienced in life and sex. But the fact that he's respecting my hesitation, instead of being angry about it, is a good sign, I think. Also, I know this sounds weird, but in the back of my mind, I have this funny idea that if I were to have sex, I'd like it to the point of obsession. Then I'd end up just using him and the relationship would be messed up. I joked about it, and he joked back that he might not mind being a sex object. Hah! If you read flavius's post on virgin sex, he made it sound really special. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t83903/ It would be great if our first time turns out like that, but I get the feeling there'll be a lot of laughing and awkward fumbling -- especially on my end! Actually, I'm pleasantly surprised by everyone's comments on this topic so far. People have been forthcoming and non-judgmental, which is awesome.
big_girls_rock Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 I just have morals and I was brought to respect myself ( not that anyone who believes in pre-marital sex does not respect themselves ) Its a preference and I have seen what happens when you don't wait. A lof of my close friends ( ages 14- 20s ) are pregnant with babies daddies who banged and left them. I think if you are going to have sex then you need to be in it for the long run and not just a wham bam thankyou mam which usually happens nowadays. I like this expression " Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"? This usually points to people who are getting booty first hand but don't want a committment. A lot of people are too afraid of committment so they shy away from marriage which I think is why sex was even created. I think that if marriage was still in MAJOR effect today ( without divorces and problems ) life would be a better place because children would be brought up in homes with both parents and sexual diseases would'nt be as bad because no ones crotch would be on someone elses. Marriage equals committment and if your dating you either get married or break up. That's just how it is. And for those who complain about virgins being so s***ty in bed if your married to her you have your whole lives to teach eachother about sex! If no one was screwing everyone else then you would'nt really even know about how bad someone else was in bed if you havn't experienced it before with someone else.
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