beriwhit123 Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 My boyfriend lived with me 12 years. I found out he had been with someone else (from work). I told him me or her. He had been drinking and left to be with her. He calls me and says he thinks about me all the time. He only took his clothes, he left everything else. His mail still comes here and he has not told anyone at work except two people who found out. He comes to see me one to two times a week. My photos are all over his office and when I asked doesn't that make her mad? He says she has not said anything. She is married, but I think her husband moved out about 2 weeks ago. One week after leaving he bought me a car for $15,000. He says he will continue to pay for my cell phone, my cable tv, my house taxes. He also says if I need anything to call him. When he comes over to the house he ends up crying and so do I. Everyone I know says they never saw a couple any happier then us two. He has been gone for one month.What should I do, I love him more then you can know.
Blind Illusion Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 He probably still cares about you but the car purchase and the bill payments seem to reek of guilt. He doesn't seem to know what he wants (or wants everything) and these payments almost seem to be in exchange for your tacit approval for this to continue a bit longer. I realize you love him and it's so easy for me to say to force the issue but this limbo he created can't be good for you either. If you can't tell him to tell his story walking just yet, how about being busy living life & let him see it. Maybe you won't even be there when he comes to collect his mail. Let him wonder what the hell you are up to. Your title asks how to get him back....sometimes giving someone up does that very same thing you desire. I know it's a risk.
Walking away Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 Loving Toughness. Pull back. Show grace and dignity. If the relationship isn't in the coffin, he we respond by drifting in your direction. It is human nature. Don't smother him or ask a million questions. Try to be loving, yet tough. He is feeling trapped and confused. Let him out of the trap. Shake up his world. Square up your shoulders and put on a strong front. He will admire you for that. The basic breakdown in a relationship is a lack of respect. Behave in ways that will make him respect you. Don't beg, plead, bargain, blame, etc. Put on a calm demeanor even if you are dying inside. It will bring him your way if he has an ounce of caring left for you. Try it. Good luck....
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 I completely second that, WA. If you love him, this is the time to show how well you can live without him. Men are attracted to confident, self-sufficient women. I know it must be hard to pull yourself together right now, but you MUST. That's the only way to get him back... and if you don't, then at least you lived well!
EndoftheRope Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 I'm not clear on why you're asking. It sounds like he's begging to come back. My question is: do you know for a fact he's done with her? I know it's easier said than done after 12 years, but why do you want him back unless you're sure he's done with her and won't do it again?
catgirl1927 Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 That's my question too. Why on earth do you want him back?
Author beriwhit123 Posted June 5, 2006 Author Posted June 5, 2006 I was married before and it was the worst. He was a drunk, abused me and the kids. But the boyfriend for 12 years was always there for me and my children. We went through so much together with my 4 kids growing up. No matter how big the problem was he was there for us. But the same for him, I was there for him when his parents needed me and when he had problems with his son or anything. Out of 12 years together I can say we never had anything that made me think we would not be together forever. I am almost sick of hearing people say how we were always happy no matter what was going on around us as a couple. Him growing old (in his eyes, scared him to death) he said turning 62 was like waiting to die. This other girl came into the picture 4 months before his retirement.
AMBERINVEGAS2112 Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 He Feels Guilt My Friend. The Car The Crying...he For His Own Selfish Reasons Will Keep Coming To You Until He Feels His Guilt Has Been Forgiven..not By You But Forgiven By Himself. Don't Even Try For This Fool. I Wanted Mine Back Too...he Knew Me For 3 Years..met A Girl And Married Her 8 Months Later.
theantibarbie23 Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Sometimes the only way to get someone backis to make them think they are losing you. Personally, I *don't* think it sounds like he wants you back right now, I think he's testing out the waters with her and wants to make sure he has you as his security blanket in case things don't work out with her. Have you tried the 180 list? For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is: 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes. If all else fails, I would go NO CONTACT with him and see how he likes not having you in his life at all. Sometimes it's the only thing that wakes them up and makes them see what they are losing.
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