PTS ...always a fear

[sick of it]

Since finding out everything i feared from a convo with the ex a month ago (see post "My Last Post"...though obviously it wasnt), ive been feeling much better. that week was horrible, but ive bounced back. ive taken an interest in a girl...which feels very strange, but at the same time exhilarating to have those butterflies again.

the ex isnt off my mind, but definitley more manageable. i unblocked her 2 weeks ago and deleted her from my buddlist (not for contact, but because i was sick of seeing her name with a big red mark next to it whenever i wanted to add someone else to the list). she hasnt contacted me which does and doesnt surprise me...whatever i dont care.

today though, i was doing fine for the entire day, through work, and then when my shift was over, i was inundated with emotion. i dont know why, i dont know what triggered it. it went away...just because ive trained myself to think "it happens, its ok, youll be fine in a little while, nothing has changed, its in your head." this generally works for me. i suggest you all try it.

ive been having so many better days. days where i dont care. days when i think about her but dont THINK about her.

im still scared though. i know this because tonight as im sitting here, i had an urge to check her screen name. and when i picture the colors of her profile or what her away message could be...i get very uncomfortable. i dont even think about what it could possibly say, i just know that it evokes this nervous, uncomfortable reaction from me. i understand this is normal to a point. but when does that action go away. i never check. i never give in. i havent for months and months. i just dont want to be scared forever. i feel like no matter what i accomplish. no matter how good i feel about myself or what anyone else says to me. she could bring me to my knees....still. its like a vietnam vet hearing a car backfire and freaking out because he has a flashback to the war. (obviously not that extreme). i dont want to say i have post traumatic stress...but i dont know what it is. and i dont know how to make it go away.

its fear. yet i dont know what im afraid of.

[normal guy]

Hey we're in the same boat. I get the same feelings as you described, it's like i was reading something I wrote. Sometimes when I see "her" car or someone talks of her I get all f***ed up and for what? She can't hurt me anymore right? I wont let her talk to me and yet I to am afraid. I am afraid of being hurt. When we find trust in someone we also give them the ability to hurt us. We let go of some of our fears and rely on the good faith in that person not to use it aganst us. There are people out there that won't use it to their advantage and the challenge is to find that person or find it in someone. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good, do things that make you feel happy and before you know it you won't be bothered by it anymore. You'll be able to laugh at the sight of them and not feel that awful feeling.

[sick of it]

The problem is normal guy, that im 10 months since the breakup. ive changed my surroundings, ive moved, im now in grad school. im living with friends, im working as much as i ca outside of class....theres only so much i can do.

[normal guy]

I read your post "my last post " I must say it has touched me deeply. I feel for you and know what you're saying. Been there myself. Time is the only thing that will heal your wounds. It sounds like you're in the right situation with where your at. Be patient. Take that girl you're interested out and have a good time. Be confident in yourself.

[hurtbeyondwords]

here's a quote that may bring some understanding

 

"there is nothing to be

done.

 

only accept it. . .

 

and hurt."

 

it sux I know, but true words just the same.

[sick of it]

i know time will do its thing. i feel it. im exponentially better than what i was.

i keep trying to force time though. i keep thinking of the future and how im not there yet. that causes set backs as im sure it does with other people. thats very frustrating because i cant think of her in the past....im not happy with the present....and im frustrated because im not how i want to be in the future...ha.

i want to be able to think of her without being upset...without feeling anything but maybe some happiness. i want to forgive...but cant yet. i want to be a friend...but i shouldnt be. im afraid to talk to her or check on her because i know what ill see or hear. i know ill see the picture of her with the new guy. who shes ready to marry. and im not mad at her for that. im mad that i dont want to see it. that i cant see it without getting mad. the anger isnt at her....the anger is at me for being upset with it.

bendit is right with the NO NEW CONTACT= NO NEW HURT. im afraid of being hurt (by what? i dont know. ive already been hurt by so much what else is there?).

 

"....only accept it and hurt"

 

i have and i do. im just waiting for time to make it go away. waiting...waiting...

[hurtbeyondwords]

I am tired of the ups and downs that time brings. I was having the greatest day yesterday. I found positive in everything that I thought. I was understanding my path, why it separated from my ex's. As soon as my head hit the pillow everything came flooding to my head. I remembered the good times. No matter how hard I tried I could not shake her from my thoughts. I tossed and turned untill 4am this morning. Im exhausted now and misserable. I get close to letting her go and then everyting comes flooding back. I am sitting here at work now holding back my tears. I wonder if thoughts of me ever creap back into her mind. I too am waiting for time to pass. Im getting tired...

[sick of it]

me too hbw. she called me the other night and left a voicemail. i felt really good yesterday for some reason.maybe because im still on her mind. i dont know but i was having a great day. then i go to sleep and had a dream about her. i woke up today miserable, thinking about everything. the ups and downs are relentless.

there are days when the thought of her makes me so mad and then days when i dont even know why she did this.

[In Sync]

me too hbw. she called me the other night and left a voicemail. i felt really good yesterday for some reason.maybe because im still on her mind. i dont know but i was having a great day. then i go to sleep and had a dream about her. i woke up today miserable, thinking about everything. the ups and downs are relentless.

there are days when the thought of her makes me so mad and then days when i dont even know why she did this.

 

 

OMG, the reason you're going through these ups and downs is right underneathe your nose..you even stated it NO NEW CONTACTS= NO NEW HURTS, and then you write "she called me the other night and left a voicemail." Your are feeling this way as a result. It's connected. And it won't get better till you put your foot down and say NO MORE. It's not magic healing, it's pretty much in your hands. It's not easy but you certainly are making it more difficult for yourself. Voicemails, e-mails are contacts. Listening to them are just as effective in bringing you up and down as an actual face to face meeting with your ex.

Hang in there but bite the bullet and nip the contacts in the bud.

[sick of it]

INSYNC

i know theyre connected. everytime i hear FROM her i feel like this. im not returning the call. i dont. i dont initiate i dont chase. i cant tell who the voicemail is from until i hear it. and if i delete it after hearing her voice its going to eat at me that i dont know what the message was about.

im not wondering why the ups and downs are here. i know why. i just want them to go away. i want the time to come where her voice doesnt bother me. its been 10 months almost 11. im not actively doing anything to keep this around.

i dont want a relationship with her. i do want to meet up again. i cant yet i know that. its frustrating. theres something spychologically going on in my head thats keeping me like this. it has nothing to do with her. NOTHING. but why everything related to her scares me, hurts me, affects me...its all in me. i want to know how to make it stop. i shouldnt have to avoid someone forever to feel sane.

[hurtbeyondwords]

OMG, the reason you're going through these ups and downs is right underneathe your nose..you even stated it , and then you write "she called me the other night and left a voicemail." Your are feeling this way as a result. It's connected. And it won't get better till you put your foot down and say NO MORE. It's not magic healing, it's pretty much in your hands. It's not easy but you certainly are making it more difficult for yourself. Voicemails, e-mails are contacts. Listening to them are just as effective in bringing you up and down as an actual face to face meeting with your ex.

Hang in there but bite the bullet and nip the contacts in the bud.

 

I agree that NC can help but you can't say that you don't still go through ups and downs. NO NEW CONTACTS= NO NEW HURTS but old hurts still remain. I know that with time they will start to diminish but untill those days come I am still battling with those hurts.

[bendit]

When I broke contact, I felt good THAT day and the next. Then I went right into the dumper. Even the slightest bit of contact derailed me for weeks it seemed.

 

I remember In_Sync when she first got here. She was hurting. I did a little digging and discovered that she was having limited contact with her abusive ex. She felt awful and couldn't figure out why. It was the contact plain and simple.

 

When informed of the "cure", IS immediately implemented a TRUE no contact policy, and since then hasn't had ONE SECOND of contact with the ex. She is a perfect example of someone who captured the HEALING POWER of NC.

 

Where do I get off with saying that NC has healing power? Well IT DOES. It is magic. TRUE NC where you completely seal off all the avenues of contact HEALS like chicken soup. It is a miracle cure for your pain.

 

I am astonished really that more people don't use true NC to heal themselves. In Sync did, and now she is a tower of strength on these boards because she followed the HARD initial road of NC and stuck with it. You very quickly get through that tough stretch and then begin to realize the incredible power of your HEALED life. I encourage everyone to embrace the healing POWER of NC.

 

regards

[In Sync]

..

I remember In_Sync when she first got here. She was hurting. I did a little digging and discovered that she was having limited contact with her abusive ex. She felt awful and couldn't figure out why. It was the contact plain and simple.

 

When informed of the "cure", IS immediately implemented a TRUE no contact policy, and since then hasn't had ONE SECOND of contact with the ex. She is a perfect example of someone who captured the HEALING POWER of NC.

 

Where do I get off with saying that NC has healing power? Well IT DOES. It is magic. TRUE NC where you completely seal off all the avenues of contact HEALS like chicken soup. It is a miracle cure for your pain.

 

I am astonished really that more people don't use true NC to heal themselves. In Sync did, and now she is a tower of strength on these boards because she followed the HARD initial road of NC and stuck with it. You very quickly get through that tough stretch and then begin to realize the incredible power of your HEALED life. I encourage everyone to embrace the healing POWER of NC.

 

regards

 

Bendit, I graciously appreciate your words, the old me would have cowered before accepting recognition for anything I'd accomplished but my self esteem is strong enough to realize a compliment a praise is a gift. so thank you.

 

sick of it, it's true about NC. And you can control what you receive in your house on your voicemail, it's called caller ID. NC is just the beginning to the self-control you have in recovering. It's not.. ok, overnight you are cured or healed completely, but by making the decision and sticking to it gives you inner strength. The wiggle room of listening to voicemails that indeed set you back...gives you a tidy excuse to say, "I can't help it if she leaves a message on my machine." Sure you can. If somebody offered you a million dollars or (anything that's highly valuable to you) you'd sure as hell would figure out a way to cut incoming voicemails.

Do I ever get the urge, or think about wow what if I called him, sure I do. I'm not a robot, but I recognize those thoughts as what they are "crazy thoughts" Like a person in a desert being hydrated and thinking out of control thoughts. It passes because I won't. The thoughts come and I choose not to follow through. This may not apply to you but to any others who read it, my point is not to break contact. And each time I resist the urge, I am stronger.

 

i do want to meet up again. i cant yet i know that. its frustrating. theres something spychologically going on in my head thats keeping me like this. it has nothing to do with her. NOTHING. but why everything related to her scares me, hurts me, affects me...its all in me. i want to know how to make it stop. i shouldnt have to avoid someone forever to feel sane.

 

Once again it's a ridiculous notion that doing NC is labeled as avoiding. that's a label that gives one the excuse of saying, one day I can confront and meet the ex again. If you (the plural you) could grasp the point that when you distance yourself from this drug, ie...your ex...you won't even harbour the desire to meet with them. Avoidance is a disempowering word. Choosing to do NC is a much more powerful concept.You've made the choice that this person is not going to rule your emotional threshold. YES, I agree this is all you and your fears. But your fears of her are masking bigger issues that you need to probe why should you be scared? You've tied your core being, your identity to this person. And the only way to regain that back is NC and hardcore self reflection.

[sick of it]

YES, I agree this is all you and your fears. But your fears of her are masking bigger issues that you need to probe why should you be scared? You've tied your core being, your identity to this person. And the only way to regain that back is NC and hardcore self reflection.

 

 

This is what im talking about. This is what i need help in doing. This is the problem. Yes, ive tied myself to this person. Absolutley. Yes, these fears are masking something else..."theres something psychologically going on in my head thats keeping me like this. it has nothing to do with her."

i went and had a few sessions with a psychologist a few months ago and she said i have abandonment issues stemming from my childhood (id been having recurring memories). the only thing about that is that if i was really afraid of being alone...wouldnt i cling to someone? wouldnt i go out and find someone else immediately? i am liked. i am asked out a fair amount. but im stuck on one person.

self reflection. thats all i do. honestly. maybe i should try to see this therapist again and try and concentrate on separating my identity from hers....seems like a stupid thing to work on...to admit to...to ask help for. "can you help me find me?"

[In Sync]

You are not alone, by far with this hidden beneathe the surface reason: fear of abandonment. It was my issue and I'm sure many others if one cared to admit it. Which is why we tend to wear blinders or endure a "bad unhealthy realtionship" because we'd rather be with that person than be alone. And if you don't recognize this trait in yourself we cover it up by saying or calling it being in love. Which is another reason to do hardcore NC. to remove the delusion. As one of my friends put it, I identified with this relationship so much that even though he was distorted I looked I allowed him to become my mirror and view things distortedly, including myself. I have learned one thing. Our minds are easily influenced. We will run away with any emotion, whether its founded or not. We will allow ourselves to be influence and tied to something "anything or anyone" because it takes a helluva alot of work and force to think independently. So when that one thing walks out of our lives, we suffer emotionally. Because we never develope the skill to be self sufficient in our own emotional needs. I'm not saying we should love, but when love turns to need and results in fear of abandonment that is no longer love.

How can you find yourself, by accepting the truth. And call it what you want,

were you in love or are in fear. So far you've written about fear of her fear of anything about her, get my point. Begin to shed "her". Doesn't mean you hate her but this attachment is distorted. You are on a mission to see who you are and that takes time. No one can do it for you..not even your therapist. Oh the therapist can aid in getting you in the right direction, but it's a b***h to probe and see how you use her "the ex" as your identity. Quite frankly as much as I (and I'm being bitter now..hee hee) would love to see my ex in a vat of hot oil..just kidding...I can see now that he didn't want me using him as a life support. Since he wasn't deep or empathetic anyway, all he could understand was that I was 'too needy.' Naturally that pushed him away. I take responsibility, and by doing that I begin to see, I don't want to see my ex, because the ex was a symbol of something else. I'm not avoiding him, because what can I get from him. The relationship served its purpose. to get me to realize this point. And in my next relationship I will learn other things about myself as you will learn through your future relationships and encounters who you are. But learning and attaching myself are two separate things.

[sick of it]

IS, that is a good post. yes, it takes a lot of work to see inside and take the blinders off to really see what was going on. yes i have written of fear. though i do not think this fear is based on being alone. this fear is the fear of my reaction. im afraid of feeling the way i have felt. im afraid of feeling angry when i see her. im sure it seems like i cant get my story straight.

i cannot see her because she has someone new. i have been the only person to be with her while ive known her. im afraid of seeing her happy with this new person because it means that i couldnt do it....after 5.5 years, i couldnt do what this person has done in a few months. that feels horrible. i dont want to see it. i dont want to hear it. thats what im afraid of. its probably anger.

if she was alone, i would have a much easier time obviously. is it wrong to want all or nothing?

this abandonment is just because of her either. i moved home for her, away from all my friends from school. so i had no one around me while going through all of this. at the same time i was starting anew job and afterwards, my internship for school. in the span of a few months i lost my friends, my relationship, started a new job, and my interneship, all in a new place. that is the definition of alone.

i wasnt a needy person when i was with her. i never was. she was. and i had no problem with it. i enjoy feeling needed. which may be the problem....i was cast aside...i wasnt needed anymore. maybe that in itself is a need. theres no doubt that i was in love. theres no doubt that i do love her and always will.

NC should have been implented ASAP. i did not know about it until 7 months after the breakup (when i found LS). and no, i couldnt do it right away. because of it, i found out everything she had been doing. those are the hurts that are with me. like hurtbeyondwords said. those will stay with me.

what am i trying to say? for the amount of time that NC is not implented right away, and you find out information, the harder it will take to recover from it. sadly, im in that situation. even if i go straight NC, i know have to work off all the damge that the LC has taken before i start off at zero the way i would have if NC was done in the very beginning.

hope is the killer in this situation. HOPE. im not ashamed to say that i still love this person. its unconditional. many people will shake their heads at me because of that...and im sorry. but because theres love, theres hope. hope for happiness. and because theres hope, im always going to want to hear from this person. im always going to want to help them. its also because of hope that i CANNOT do this. its one of those things where if 2 people want a divorce, they can still love eachother and understand why it didnt work. ive thought for so long why it didnt work and yes i found reasons, i found them before we broke up, which is why i moved home. i wasnt given the chance.

yes she still cares...yes i still care...yes we both care a lot about eachother (apparently)....yet theres this fence between us that apparently only I cannot jump over.

I know its not easy. its even harder when shes on the other side and i can see her...i can stick my hand through and touch her...but i cant be over there yet.

[In Sync]

I'm gonna get real on your butt because although what you've written sounds wonderful devoted it is misplaced devtion at this time and impedes upon your healing. Yeah you love her and won't stop, but uh there's one factor here...what about her and her growth and development apart from you. Does she have a new man in her life. Hmm, if she decides to get deeper into this relationship you can handle that. Good. But right now you need to distant from it. Ok, let say she wants to get married to him and have his kid, are you so attached to her that you'll be in the delivery room with her. I mean just how much of your life are you going to neglect to keep hooked up to her. So she's nice and has no reason not to call you and offer you her friendship but is she living with you, making marriage plans with you, talking about building a home and life together with you...where do you draw the line at separaing yourself from her. You are not talking about unconditional love you are talking about obsession.

You are having a range of emotionals that obviously new to you, because dud you are riddled with fear of this fear of that. Nobody's holding a gun to your head in the dark alley of a street. That's fear. This is anxiety. What is the worst that can happen if you see her? Will you cry? Uhh, I have news for you that's not a life or death horrible thing. Or maybe you'll get angry, oooh that's not a life or death horrible thing either. QUIT BEING AFRAID OF YOUR EMOTIONS.

You are not alone, ok. Unless you live in a bat cave in the remote mountains

of Tibet, and you have wireless internet, get out and start climbing mt. everest and meet people. Are you going to allow your life to be sucked away because this girl moved on. Hmmmm, what about the next woman in your life, how are you going to meet her with this attitude???

[sick of it]

ok...hold up.

i appreciate the tough love but youre getting the wrong idea. youre under the impression that im sitting in my room everyday stroking a picture of her, crying, wishing, praying.....thats far from it.

do i get down. yes. do i miss her. yes. am i mad that she moved on so quickly and likes telling me about it. YES.

obsession would be my calling her, looking for her, investigating, spying, all that. all i do is think about her. maybe my last post was a glorified way of saying i hold a very special place for her.

she told me over the summer that she wants me as her best friend, as the person to walk her down the aisle, to approve of her husband....she would want me in the delivery room. thats what gets me mad. she wants me there as a friend...not as the father. im mad because of what she expects from me after 5.5 years. InSync, im not giving it to her. i want nothing to do with her new life!!

is crying a horrible thing? no. ive done it for a long time. is being angry bad? nope, not at all, not after everything thats happened...its expected. i would just like to stop it. and i will. im merely talking about the process as it happens.

despite how others exs feel, i dont hate mine. if i did, this would be easier. shes been able, somehow, to move on and find someone that she loves...apparently more than me. and yes, after everything shes told me for so many years...that hurts. i dont have to deal with it. and i wont. i dont have to expose myself to it. i wont.

all im saying is that its a horrible feeling to care about someone and not be able to show that, even when you and they want it, because of what their life is like now. thats it.

i really do appreciate the tough love...but im not in a cave, ive never been to tibet and i hate bats....im around people all the time...be it the same people and im not meeting anyone new yet...but im out.

im going to ask someone out this week. i havent because ive been afraid. afraid of how Id react to someone new. to looking at someone new the same way i looked at the ex. the fear of being with someone new. my life will not be sucked away. ill prove it.

[In Sync]

So you do have some chops afterall;)

But you hold on too...I have NEVER said to go and hate your ex. I just promote NC, now if you've interpretted that as meaning hate, that's coming from your end not mine. Although I did once read something like if you've never hated then you've never loved, something to that effect.

P.S. why are you mad that she moved on...can't you do the same. The girl is not tied to your hip, you know...and if she likes telling you about it and you get mad once again....NC NC NC;)

[sick of it]

i know youre not promoting hate. and imnot saying that NC should be equated to it. im saying it would be easier if i honestly wanted nothing to do with her ever again. if i hated her i wouldnt want anything to do with her. thats not the case. i do hate what happened and i do hate how she handled this. but not her. because i know she does care. i do. the voicemail the other day told me that.

again...i cnat give her what she wants....and she cant give me what i want and therefore, the relationship goes away. thats very sad to me.

im mad that she moved on so quickly. not that she moved on. she asked me to move in with her and i couldnt (financially) yet. she breaks up with me and has her new guy move in with her a few months later. thats quick. in this situation, to me, thats quick. after a 5.5 yr relationship with me, thats very quick. in the first few months they were together they moved in togetehr, went travelling together, and got a dog together. THATS QUICK. and it makes me question what i was. what did i mean? how important was i to be cast aside like i was and replaced. all the things she did, she promised me...and this new guy gets it all. hes living what i wanted. with the person that promised me.

[In Sync]

Look I'm not trying to needle you but you have a habit here. Putting it all on her, she moved on QUICK, she cast you aside ( I even said that one myself a few days ago), she got a new bf quick...at the end of the day why did you go along with it. You had a mouth and could have said "no this is to quick". Alot of us in the throes of love follow like sheep, we believe the fantasy..even if our guts say something other. We wear the blinders. The point is WHY DID YOU GO ALONG. Aside from being in love with her. Maybe you did mean something to her, but your attachment did not match hers. She's a player. That's not a crime. Many people get played. A good player knows how to make the illusion look sweet. It's not her fault if you got in too deep. She was able to love you and then pull back and love someone else. You don't operate that way, so you got burnt. We have to let go of the notion that everyone we meets is operating with the same rules of engagement. It doesn't mean she didn't have feeling but she plays with different rules. Again, why did you fall for it. Why did I fall for it? Why do we get taken in. Examine that without getting defensive.

[sick of it]

because loving is trusting. a relationship is trusting. i questioned her about the guy and she said its nothing. theyre friends. i asked many times, not pressing, but when little things would happen. and i got the same responses to the point of her getting upset with me. why did i go with it? i didnt. i told her when i found out, that she was moving too quickly. heres the thing...she agreed. shes told me how quick it moved and she cant explain it....how do you say that? how do you tell that to your ex?

she also didnt tell me this stuff....read "my last post" she kept all of this FROM me. she told others not to tell me.

i dont know the point of this anymore....its over....i just want to heal...i want to trust. i honestly dont know how to anymore. i dont know how to believe in it anymore.

i want my old life back...the one i had a year ago. i dont even remeber what it was like...i just new it was safe, it was comfortable, i was happy. i dont know how to get back there. it cant just be a girl. theres something else.

[In Sync]

because loving is trusting. a relationship is trusting. i questioned her about the guy and she said its nothing. theyre friends. i asked many times, not pressing, but when little things would happen. and i got the same responses to the point of her getting upset with me. why did i go with it? i didnt. i told her when i found out, that she was moving too quickly. heres the thing...she agreed. shes told me how quick it moved and she cant explain it....how do you say that? how do you tell that to your ex?

she also didnt tell me this stuff....read "my last post" she kept all of this FROM me. she told others not to tell me.

i dont know the point of this anymore....its over....i just want to heal...i want to trust. i honestly dont know how to anymore. i dont know how to believe in it anymore.

i want my old life back...the one i had a year ago. i dont even remeber what it was like...i just new it was safe, it was comfortable, i was happy. i dont know how to get back there. it cant just be a girl. theres something else.

 

Yes, you were safe and comfortable. But to maintain being comfortable you as many of us have turn a deaf ear to our gut feelings and willingly believed of ex's despite paying attention to our GUTS. Because you would rather cling to a lie in front of your face you label it as love. Loving someone never means being a duped or remaining ignorant. You want your life back. Well don't we all, but one day you will see that this is the greatest thing that ever happened to you. Right now you are still swimming in what if's and she said this. When you get tired of it. Completely drained you will get your life back but it will be different and if you explore and let this past experience be more than a woe is me questinonig zone..you'll see that this girl and all her story telling was the best thing to have happened. You were in a relationship and it went kaput. She mislead you. Betrayed your trust. So you go learn from it or spend wasted hours days weeks trying to figure what was in her head. Just because you loved her big time, once again you seem to keep ignoring the fact she PLAYED by her own rules.

It doesn't matter about what she said..the point is. She played you. You want to feel better STOP trying to figure out the past. You still have time to do it in the future. Put it on hold. Figure it out next month, but for now this relationship has to go on the back burner. There's plenty of other things relationships that you may need to explore and possibly you'll come to understand why you sooooo trusting of this girl. It wasn't just love. But I also might suggest is you letting your guard down and not be so defensive. Because in being determined to be so right blocks out any positive energy that comes towards you!

[sanne]

You are not alone, by far with this hidden beneathe the surface reason: fear of abandonment. It was my issue and I'm sure many others if one cared to admit it. Which is why we tend to wear blinders or endure a "bad unhealthy realtionship" because we'd rather be with that person than be alone. And if you don't recognize this trait in yourself we cover it up by saying or calling it being in love. Which is another reason to do hardcore NC. to remove the delusion. As one of my friends put it, I identified with this relationship so much that even though he was distorted I looked I allowed him to become my mirror and view things distortedly, including myself. I have learned one thing. Our minds are easily influenced. We will run away with any emotion, whether its founded or not. We will allow ourselves to be influence and tied to something "anything or anyone" because it takes a helluva alot of work and force to think independently. So when that one thing walks out of our lives, we suffer emotionally. Because we never develope the skill to be self sufficient in our own emotional needs. I'm not saying we should love, but when love turns to need and results in fear of abandonment that is no longer love.

How can you find yourself, by accepting the truth. And call it what you want,

were you in love or are in fear. So far you've written about fear of her fear of anything about her, get my point. Begin to shed "her". Doesn't mean you hate her but this attachment is distorted. You are on a mission to see who you are and that takes time. No one can do it for you..not even your therapist. Oh the therapist can aid in getting you in the right direction, but it's a b***h to probe and see how you use her "the ex" as your identity. Quite frankly as much as I (and I'm being bitter now..hee hee) would love to see my ex in a vat of hot oil..just kidding...I can see now that he didn't want me using him as a life support. Since he wasn't deep or empathetic anyway, all he could understand was that I was 'too needy.' Naturally that pushed him away. I take responsibility, and by doing that I begin to see, I don't want to see my ex, because the ex was a symbol of something else. I'm not avoiding him, because what can I get from him. The relationship served its purpose. to get me to realize this point. And in my next relationship I will learn other things about myself as you will learn through your future relationships and encounters who you are. But learning and attaching myself are two separate things.

 

I must say I am very impressed by what you have said In Sync. I think the single most difficult thing to accept after a breakup is that you will be alone.

 

Personally, I was so scared of being alone and rebuilding my life and old friendships that were destroyed that I allowed myself to be in a horrible relationship. I allowed myself to be mistreated and lied to and I became weaker and weaker as the relationship progressed. When I finally had the strength to let it all go, the rebuilding began. I had relapses and contacted her, and every single time it set me back. I've learned that my ex is not a good influence in my life, and that I need to accept the situation for what it is and move on.

 

So yes, NC is the only thing that will help you move on, but it is by no means an easy road. It's going to take strong willpower and steady focus.

[In Sync]

I must say I am very impressed by what you have said In Sync. I think the single most difficult thing to accept after a breakup is that you will be alone.

 

Personally, I was so scared of being alone and rebuilding my life and old friendships that were destroyed that I allowed myself to be in a horrible relationship. I allowed myself to be mistreated and lied to and I became weaker and weaker as the relationship progressed. When I finally had the strength to let it all go, the rebuilding began. I had relapses and contacted her, and every single time it set me back. I've learned that my ex is not a good influence in my life, and that I need to accept the situation for what it is and move on.

 

So yes, NC is the only thing that will help you move on, but it is by no means an easy road. It's going to take strong willpower and steady focus.

 

 

 

Thank you, for the kind words. One major factor in allowing NC to helping you, ME or anyone, is the notion of letting go of resistance. Resistance comes in the form of "I can beat this and disregard NC." "I know it." AND "if I just keep pounding away at communicating with my ex, eventually all the pain will resolve itself and everytime I contact them it'll work out and go back to the way it was..."

These forms of resistance keeps us from growing. Our hearts are screaming to save it from further pain but the ego is too damn stubborn. We think that we can beat the system. We'd rather suffer longer to prove our egos right. Sometimes I read that on many threads and posts and clearly alot of the pain is brought on by Resistance to NC. The ex's aren't causing us our pain anymore we continue to do it to ourselves. And those who do admit to letting go of the resistance say so quietly and see the value of maintaining nc.