tigger Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 I think the wait and see approach could give her too much room to end the relationship for good. AMWT sounds like he really doesn't want to lose her, and will do what it takes to make this work now. So, is spying wrong, sure - but if it gets us the answers needed to make informed decisions, then by all means - go for it. I have to say though - I'm pretty sure we both know what you are going to find. With that being said - are you prepared to leave? Or are you just going to keep putting time and emotion into something that isn't going to change on it's own? Their friendship isn't just a friendship....but, who knows, maybe this guy doesn't have any interest in her, and it's one sided. None-the-less, if it's not him, eventually, it will be someone else! After my situation - I'm all about being selfish in this type of situation, but at your own rate. Mine took 9 months to finally realize that I was better than the crap that was being poored on me! Have you asked yourself how things got this way? I mean, if she is so unhappy, that she is responding to this guy at work, have you been happy? Or have you been complacent. Being complacent is way bad....complacency can allow you to miss many signs of unhappiness.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 I have installed a keylogger. Makes me feel like crap, spying on my wife like that. But I suppose I have already done so. I can only wait and see from here, I suppose. I'll keep in touch, before I make any other moves. To be honest with you.....I'm not sure that a keylogger at this time is your best move. You'd be surprised all the "venting" that women do....particularly when they're unhappy. Imagine a bunch of little teakettles letting off steam. We're emotional and men are more sensitive than one would think. We tend to "vent" with our girlfriends, and there's HUGE potential for a man to develop some misunderstandings when he engaged in eavesdropping. Anything that you read in your wife's emails would be open to your interpretation and not necessarily representative of her true feelings. All things considered, 'girl-talk' just isn't always complimentary to our husbands. Monitoring a person's private communications is a serious step, and I haven't really seen enough evidence that there's an "affair" going on. You've seen a couple of emails that mostly indicate that your wife is unfulfilled in the marriage. She's apparently enjoying some male attention, but there's no 'smoking gun' there. So if you're wrong and she's not having an affair....you could end up escalating the situation and alienating her even further. Not to mention the possibility that you could get your feelings SERIOUSLY hurt by overhearing comments that she might not necessarily even mean. Now, all that said....cheaters will usually lie until you rub the truth on their nose. Sad but true. So, if you're REALLY convinced that there's a reasonable amount of evidence to warrant further investigation....then that's what you'll need to do. But perhaps you might consider limiting the nature of your investigation, at least for now....to monitoring only your wife's communications with her co-worker. (????) People who are engaged in extramarital affairs usually talk frequently so if there's anything really going on, you ought to have a fairly good chance of catching it without further encroachment on her privacy. There are exceptions to the rule of course, but I think maybe you'll do better to keep your level of investigation equal to whatever suspicion is strictly warranted.
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 The thing is, why should he leave? If she IS having an affair, or about to, it sounds like to me, he's more than likely going to give her a chance to make things right again. Many betrayed spouses want to see if the marriage is atleast salvagable... This 'young' guy KNOWS what is what. He isn't just 'being a buddy', he has alterior motives...Not maliciously, but selfishly... Installing the keylogger was the right thing to do. It sucks that you have to spy on her, but until you know what is going on (fact) you can't do much. AMWT, please read this thread by DazednConfused. It's about his wife and the mistake she made by having an affair. It's long, but really worth the read. Dazed is very insightful and inspiring - I think what he went through can help you ... Maybe even print it all out and show your wife, ask her to read it as well. (If you don't feel comfy by letting her know you're posting here, you can cut out the site name if it shows up.) I just feel that if she understood abit what she was DOING to YOU, saw what her actions are going to do to you, maybe it will prevent a huge, painful mess... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/
Author AManWithTroubles Posted March 28, 2006 Author Posted March 28, 2006 Well, ladyjane, I wish I had the time to provide her with all the necessary EN's, or anymore than I can provide at the moment. I already said the things that I do do. I bust my butt over every aspect of my life, especially being there for my wife. But, she decided to do this with me. I am in my final semester, trying to work towards a better living for our family. She wanted to do this too. Now she wants to go and pull this crap in the middle of the most important half year ever in our lives. WTH?!!! I'm trying though, but with kids, her work, my schooling, ya know, it's tough. But I haven't been looking elsewhere for emotional needs, why should she?
Author AManWithTroubles Posted March 28, 2006 Author Posted March 28, 2006 Ok, one day of keylogging, and nothing. She didn't type out one email, nothing. No typing whatsoever. However, on a visual log, I noticed that when she went to the sports news, she went straight to boxing. I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but this kid is into boxing, and she has always hated boxing, since I've known her. Then he comes along, and she has gained a slight interest in it, probably more than she admits to me. So I suppose she's looking up conversation material to have more with the kid. Wow, she doesn't go researching my interests to talk to me. I can't stand this. I know this is nothing to confront her about, but it's horrible. I am not the first guy in her life now, I'm sure of that.
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 I am not the first guy in her life now, I'm sure of that. Then it is time to make sure that you ARE the FIRST and ONLY guy in her life. This man is a cancer to your marriage...That is how you have to look at it. I am telling you, she hasn't a CLUE of what the consquences are - In her mind it is all justified and she's doing NOTHING wrong. Can you see how screwed up that is? I hope so, because she needs to "see" this fast!
jmargel Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Ok.. I only read the first few posts about this one. However I've been on here long enough to know what works & what doesn't. I'm sure some on here can vouch for me. Not only that but from personal experience. I use this analogy. I work with K-9s, German Shepherds mostly in my spare time. The MOST important thing between you & your dog is the bond. You want this dog to give up it's life for you if need be. You want it to be able to come when called and to not stray too far off. Kinda like what you want in a relationship, right? Well at a very early age you have someone hold it back while you run out about 100 yards and call it's name. Call, whistle, do all sorts of stuff. This dog will fight & fight to break free. Once it does run the opposite direction of this dog while calling his name. Now instead of you chasing the dog you have it chasing you! Same EXACT thing goes for a relationship (at times). When one spouse decides to stray a little off course you must know the right methods to get them back on. By chasing her, showering her with love while she is off doing things she shouldn't be doing you are actually tolerating her behavior. Doing this will lead to her going off with this other man and you by yourself. You must go against all instincts here and do the complete opposite. Give her a consequence. However telling her she can't be friends with this guy is what this other guys wants. It just makes him look so much greater & you the mean control freak. So what I think you should do is when she comes home tell her 'If you really want to be with this guy, then fine. Go, however I will not take you back'. 'This marriage requires 100/100 on both ends and I believe neither of us has been giving it our all. Howeve that doesn't mean it's because we don't love each other or don't want to be with each other. We get too comfortable at times and take each other for granted. However any sort of emotional or physical affiar I will not tolerate.' 'I won't tell you what to do, if you are going to be with me it's because you want to be with me & work this out.' Then. Just leave it go. Don't say a word. Don't tell her you love her (unless she tells you first). Don't treat her bad but don't douse her in love. Don't buy her things or do things just to 'get her back'. Give her a chance to come to you. Let that wandering puppy find it's owner on it's on. It will, give it a chance. When she does eventually do the right thing & not smack her with a newspaper. Set boundaries & enforce them. Be stern but fair. Make her know that she's losing out. In the mean time start working on yourself, make yourself happy. Start enjoying life. She will see this as an attraction, something she's missed in you. She became attracted to you because of your confidence, your strong will. Women love that. Show it, be it.
jmargel Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 Ok.. I only read the first few posts about this one. However I've been on here long enough to know what works & what doesn't. I'm sure some on here can vouch for me. Not only that but from personal experience. I use this analogy. I work with K-9s, German Shepherds mostly in my spare time. The MOST important thing between you & your dog is the bond. You want this dog to give up it's life for you if need be. You want it to be able to come when called and to not stray too far off. Kinda like what you want in a relationship, right? Well at a very early age you have someone hold it back while you run out about 100 yards and call it's name. Call, whistle, do all sorts of stuff. This dog will fight & fight to break free. Once it does run the opposite direction of this dog while calling his name. Now instead of you chasing the dog you have it chasing you! Same EXACT thing goes for a relationship (at times). When one spouse decides to stray a little off course you must know the right methods to get them back on. By chasing her, showering her with love while she is off doing things she shouldn't be doing you are actually tolerating her behavior. Doing this will lead to her going off with this other man and you by yourself. You must go against all instincts here and do the complete opposite. Give her a consequence. However telling her she can't be friends with this guy is what this other guys wants. It just makes him look so much greater & you the mean control freak. So what I think you should do is when she comes home tell her 'If you really want to be with this guy, then fine. Go, however I will not take you back'. 'This marriage requires 100/100 on both ends and I believe neither of us has been giving it our all. Howeve that doesn't mean it's because we don't love each other or don't want to be with each other. We get too comfortable at times and take each other for granted. However any sort of emotional or physical affiar I will not tolerate.' 'I won't tell you what to do, if you are going to be with me it's because you want to be with me & work this out.' Then. Just leave it go. Don't say a word. Don't tell her you love her (unless she tells you first). Don't treat her bad but don't douse her in love. Don't buy her things or do things just to 'get her back'. Give her a chance to come to you. Let that wandering puppy find it's owner. It will, give it a chance. When she does eventually do the right thing & not smack her with a newspaper. Set boundaries & enforce them. Be stern but fair. Make her know that she's losing out. In the mean time start working on yourself, make yourself happy. Start enjoying life. She will see this as an attraction, something she's missed in you. She became attracted to you because of your confidence, your strong will. Women love that. Show it, be it.
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 JM, welcome back and your advice is wonderful as always! Hope all is good in your life...Maybe do an update on your thread???? Make her know that she's losing out. In the mean time start working on yourself, make yourself happy. Start enjoying life. She will see this as an attraction, something she's missed in you. She became attracted to you because of your confidence, your strong will. Women love that. Show it, be it. I think this would work because SHE will notice the change in you. She is 'used' to things being a certain way...Infact, I'm betting she's banking on that. Life at home will stay the same then she can go do her thing. Once noticed, she will react.
Author AManWithTroubles Posted March 30, 2006 Author Posted March 30, 2006 Couple more days of keylogging... Nothing really, but one other thing that bothers me. Visual log shows her looking at a yahoo type map online. She zooms in on the area that this boy lives in. She didn't type in his address, she just looke by city and zoomed in that area. This area is quite rural, and I don't think she knows anyone else that lives there. I will somehow discreetly find out if she knows of anyone else around there. I just happen to know where he lives, because she made a phone call to his house, and I did a reverse phone search. Now the phone call, she told me she had to make from work on her cell phone, about work. So I checked her phone. I guess she is nervous because she told me she made the phone call, I didn't ask her. I know I can't confront her still, but it makes me nervous, knowing that she is looking at a map of where he lives, finding the way there, maybe?
jmargel Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 You're not listening to me. Of course you are concerned about this OM, but this is only a 'topic'. The real problem is the 'issue' of WHY this is happening. Even if she stops total contact with this man now, the problems that have caused this in the first place are still there. That means if not fixed she'll either start contacting him again or find another guy or in the mean time end it with you. Kinda like a weed, if you just pull the leaves off it'll grow back because you didn't get to the 'root' of the problem. Get it? You two been going to marriage counseling? This is a must right now! Did you talk to her about what I mentioned in my last post? People here are trying to help you however you are just not listening. If you want your marriage to work out take & use the advice that many others have given & learn from their mistakes and successes. The only way you're going to be able to make her NOT want to see this guy is to get her TO want to work things out with you.
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 If you're comfy enough and don't want to hire a PI, ask a buddy of yours to help you follow her. If she does go to his house, she is STILL crossing the line as you've made it clear to her that you don't like this new friendship happening.
Mz. Pixie Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 If you're comfy enough and don't want to hire a PI, ask a buddy of yours to help you follow her. If she does go to his house, she is STILL crossing the line as you've made it clear to her that you don't like this new friendship happening. or borrow your buddy's car and follow her yourself. They almost always lie and say it's just friends. I also think you should monitor her cell phone bills- you can get access to those online sometimes. A cell phone bill could be very telling.
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