BaySailor Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 I've never posted on LS but have been a reader for a month now. I broke up with my ex girlfriend early december. Although I'm the one that voiced those words "Well, let's break up then" first, I felt she was leaning towards it, never fully verbalizing it but through body language and declining engagement and affection towards me. This was a trend that lasted for our last month together, triggered by an arguement we had that was that was my fault and indicative of not all our arguements but certainly most of them (more about this below). We were together 8 months. The Arguement/s during December I had been out of work and I had been struggling with writer's block over a personal statement for graduate school and generally feeling unmotivated. We met for a movie and dinner and had a great time but I started to get uneasy when she asked me how my day went. I had told her I was feeling crappy for being so unproductive and was down about spending all day doing nothing. I felt very sensitive about this and her asking again about how my day went triggered a frustration and hurt in me. I told her that I had already told her what i did and it was pretty nothing and I didn't want to mull over it just then. she said "it's understandable why you feel so down about today, it's natural, we've all been there. but I just turned my back to her for a moment as we entered the subway station to pick up my ticket. I was purposely walking ahead of her to show my childlish anger. as she trailed she was trying to say something but i was just shaking my head, pouting like a hurt boy. as we entered the subway car, i took the nearest seat 10ft from the entrance but she just stood inside the door occassionally looking at me in bewilderment, shaking her head. as the subway train passed 2 or 3 stations and it was clear to me that she wasn't going to sit down next to me, i put my bag there (she told me later thatt she thought from this action, i didn't want her to sit with me) As we approached our stop, we both got off walked a little bit and then she turned to me what my problem was and i said i don't think you're being sensitive about my feelings. you know how crappy i felt about my day and you seemed to be harping over it and that was not right. She then said to me that I was lucky to have a girlfriend like her and when I didn't respond to this she said she'd had enough of this relationship and then said she was going to mail me my stuff, turned her back and left. it took me 2 minutes to realize how stupid i was and i chased her down telling her how sorry and childlish i was and that of course i was lucky to be with her. she hesitated, wondering out loud if the relationship was doomed and whether it was just bad timing. She also said that my apology and my pledge to not be so sensitive and argumentative was something she heard before. I said that this time i know the gravity of the problem and that it won't happen again. she said we can have a trial period. But during the month of this period i felt insecure as i felt her being less affectionate and engaging but saying she loved me saying that she will never love anyone like she loved me. but her actions were contrary to this i felt. she would move away as i tried to kiss her and there was no sex or cuddling or that much touching between us. I tried to talk to her about it but she kept saying "it's me not u, thanks for being understanding" and "i've never felt this way before and I don't know if it will change. looking back I had not told her during our relationship that I loved her enough and I think she always doubted it especially towards the end when she sensed it was out of desperation for holding onto the relationship that i'd say i love her. I've come to know later in the months since december through honest reflection and therapy that I have a tendency to be difficult/argue with those close to me as a kind of test to prove to me that they are there for the longhaul. I realize now how unreasonable and unfair this is to the other person, especially if they don't know if they are being tested. This problem stems from a fear since childhood of someone close leaving me. During the breakup she told me that I was the best boyfriend she ever had and left if open for us to be friends not elaborating how. We both acknowledged to each other in a very general way that we committed many mistakes. I specfically told her that because this was the first serious relationship I'd been in the past 6 years I'm sure the lack of experience for me contributed to my mistakes in our realtionship. She cried during the last half of the breakup meeting. At the moment of parting she said she still loved me and reached over to kiss but i just hugged her and I regret i didn't say i love her back then ( i later said that over voicemail which of course wasn't the same) after a week we emailed each other and expressed some hope of being friends but she requested NC to let things settle with her. so i said okay. then a few hours later she texts me a question about something i was wearing in a photo i had sent her earlier that day and i fire back a terse reply not answering but reminding her the request for NC and that her communicating with me after didn't make sense. then 1 month of nothing and I text her wishing her a happy new year and expressing my hope for friendship and then 1 week later i get the following reply: i've sent your stuff in the mail. i've had the time to think and there are a number of reasons why i don't see a possibility of being your friend. i think you have some major issues to take care of and it wasn't my responsibility to help you but at the time i felt it was. i don't want to give you any false hopes of future friends. i thought i could move forward with you but it's too late for that. i feel so much ugliness when i think back at us. i ask that you no longer contact me because i will not be receptive to it. Without waiting a minute after getting the email i replied with: I'm sorry for all the ugliness you feel. I am responsible for all of it. Destroying our relationship and our love was the single worst mistake of my life. I hope one day you will forgive me in your heart. I appreciate your honesty. It will help me pick up the pieces, learn from this and one day move on. Although this may mean nothing to you now, I do earnestly hope and wish you the best in everything. I will not contact you again. I am so sorry. I will always love you. Sometimes I accept her last communication as something she needed to express to move on regardless of how accurate a reflection of her feeling it is. Sometimes, I think it is an authentic expression of her feelings. Sometimes, I think it's not and that she's demonizing me to be in a better place to move on. But through it all, I have so much pain thinking that "ugliness' is the main emotion she has about us if not the primary feeling that will remain. Often times I fear that the "ugliness" in her mind/memory will erase all the beauty that existed in the relationship that we were both responsible for. Sometimes I have so much anguish wrapping my mind around how strongly negative she felt a month after the relationship and reconciling it with her expressions of love and admiration for me during. during the relationship she always made it a point to express that her love for me was/would be stronger than it was for anyone else before and after. I guess this is something that everyone needs to deal with sometime in their life but i wonder if this is 180 degree turn is typical or atypical in anyway and/or particularly radical a change. I wonder now if she ever did love me, or just loved someone not real, sans all the problems i've mentioned about me. Did she really love me? Will she only remember the "ugliness" when thinking back on us? Is there a way for me to find peace one way of the other? Everyone tells me that I was not 100% at fault for this failed relationship but I genuinely feel that I was largely if not solely to blame for killing this relationship. I did not have DURING the relationship the kind of conciousness/awareness of where I am weak and need to improve/better myself. This awareness I hope will help me now and in the future with all my relationships with people, friends, family, and a future SO. I just feel so sad that it wasn't with me during the relationship with my ex. She deserves so much love. And i know I will always love her.
destination_unknown Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 hey sailor - you definitely sorted out that writers block! I dont really have much advice for you because i am pretty much in the same boat. However, its really really positive for YOU that you have identified your issue with testing peoples commitment to you, knowing that is half the cure. But, the hard bit is remembering that in the heat of the moment. (i.e. terse reply when she asked for nc, i know she asked for it but i dont think you actually wanted to be terse or that you wanted nc so kinda shooting yourself in the foot) I'm sure that resolving these issues has helped you immensly, but it doesnt take away the frustration of "why didnt i get this earlier" and feeling bad for your part in the relationships demise. I wouldnt focus too much on the idea of her thinking the relationship was completely characterised by "ugliness". (Unless that helps you get over it). She was probably going through the stage where she was in denial about her part in the break up and anger. Those feelings eventually fade and she will remember the good things about you too. I really dont have any magic advice about getting over it, except for the usual, get yourself to the gym, new interests etc. At the very least, you can take what you learned about yourself into the next relationship you enter, which will make it all the sweeter.
KittenMoon Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 This is so sad- but it's amazing that you have acknowledged your faults. Most people refuse to do this. Remember this for the next time around. You've achieved a new level of clarity and understanding that wasn't in your life before and THAT is an important and useful thing.
CaliGuy Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Not all relationships are meant to be. You learned a hard lesson, but you did indeed learn and that is what is most important here. You recognize what you did wrong and you have resolved to correct your behavior. While it's too late to salvage this relationship, you are young and there will be more women in your life. Don't get down on yourself or stew too long over the mistakes you made. Just continue to learn and grow from them. We all need to experience something powerful like this in our life sometimes to make the necessary changes. Kudos to you for working on improving. Learning and growing is life-long, not temporary.
riobikini Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 BaySailor, Look, I'm not going to go over every detail of your post, although I read every word. I think you actually did have a great thing going with this gal. The sad part about losing it was the way you lost it, -the way most guys lose very important relationships: through lack of communication and/or expressing their heartfelt romantic emotions with someone they happen to genuinely care about, -perhaps, even truly love. Happens in amazing numbers everyday. Generally speaking, women look for feedback from whatever they're putting into the relationship, themselves. If they begin to see you holding back (for whatever reason), or feel as if their emotional investment isn't being reciprocated , -you're going to have trouble. There'll be talks about it -at least, she'll try- and if you don't -or can't- come forward with the 'right' answers- man, you're headed for a downhill slide. The art of communication (and, -yes, its an artform) is probably the hardest lesson men have to learn to have a veritably less problematic relationship with a women these days. There should be a course somewhere entitled " Communication 101 for Men -How to Keep 'em Happy'. (Smile) If you look around, a few bits and pieces of very good advice is right here in this site coming from banged-up folks who've had to learn that lesson the hard way...and if you search out the topic in Google, you'll find loads of info...keep looking, and you will probably find a few bright, creative gurus making big money off the idea by doing seminars. But don't turn your nose up, -they might be just what the doc ordered for you. ('nother smile). More seriously? Men who have this problem can do more about their situation than they think, -all it takes is guts, common sense, and determination...oh- and the fact you might truly love this girl you've just broken up with. Speaking from my own experiences, all it would have taken for me to have held on and worked with the idiot I loved, was for him to get help for his Commitment Phobia (therapy), and learn to talk to me....maybe it would have taken him years, but I would have stayed if he'd shown me he was bright enough, and invested enough to have gone that extra mile. He wasn't. Still dunno if it was pride, ignorance, unwillingness, or that he truly didn't care for me, -but he didn't lift a finger to save anything. So, BaySailor, now that you have a little more info from all these posters, -what say you? Is she worth it? Or are you just going to sit there? -Rio
Author BaySailor Posted March 28, 2006 Author Posted March 28, 2006 Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and sharing your experiences, thoughts, and advice. I've read enough of all your posts and replies to other posts to know that you folks are truly amazing, caring souls. In answer to your question, Rio, Yes, I still deeply love her and know that she is the love of my life. And during most of the relationship, I feel she felt the same way but after all that's happened, the totally dishonourable way I handled/dropped things in the end, and all the time that has lapsed, there is serious doubt she feels the same way about me and about us now. We broke up early december and the last communication (shown earlier) was early january. Her last communication suggests, to put it lightly, that she no longer feels the same way and what's more -- sees me as underserving of respcect, and as a really messed up person, that she may have seriously regretted ever offering her love to. Almost all my friends and family give advice similar to Dest Unknown, KM, and CaliGuy, telling me it's over and that I need to heal, not look back, focus on the here and now and improving my life, and move on. One friend says the same but adds "you never know what will happen in the future". I go through swings of trying to forget about her, crippling pangs and cries of remorse, and then I swing to remembering what we had and what i have gained in terms of awareness and honest reflection since we wer together and I fantasize/hope for a new beginning some day in an imagined future. I don't want to get more hurt and chase "false hopes" like my ex alluded to. And maybe more importantly, I don't want to worsen anymore my memory in her heart. If there was a sign of some kind from her or from GOD, I'd try to reestablish a relationship with her but there has been no communication or sign since (either from her or from above) the emails I showed you all. To Give Up, in a way, is both the easiest and the hardest thing to do. And to try is the scariest and the most unknown road to follow.
riobikini Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 BaySailor...whether there's a snowball's chance or not for a reconciliation, I'd just about bet money on her someday being very glad for you, upon learning that you worked on the problems you had with you. And that's where its all at for you, now, anyhow. I don't really see you healing any wounds very well, at all, unless you include those other things that have been your stumbling blocks, all along. That'll take some time to accomplish. I agree, it doesn't sound hopeful that she'll look over her shoulder, see you all changed, and nearly break her neck running back to you -she'll have probably moved on, by then. But it wouldn't hurt to get started on those things now, just in case you ever run into her again...but do it all for you, BaySailor- your future grandchildren may not be destined to come from the direction of the past. (Smile) Hope lives in the future. Rio
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