Ria Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 Hi, I have a friend that I've been interested in for the past 6-7 months, but I've been really secretive/private about my interest, to the point that he probably doesn't even know that i'm interested. We work together, but in a couple months I'll be going elsewhere probably. Anyway, when we met I was with my ex, and part of the reason for our break up was because I started to realize that I was more interested in this friend than in my ex. (Neither my ex nor the friend know this). I know that he respects me as a colleague and likes me as a friend, but not sure if he's interested beyond that. He's done some HUGE favors for me too. So, I don't understand why he hasn't asked me out or made a move yet... Usually I'm used to dealing with really assertive men who are really upfront about their interest. So i'm kind of confused. Is he just being cautious, or totally not interested? Anyway, here's my question: I'm ready and willing to put myself out there, and let him know how I feel. But how do I do that? (this is a serious question) Should I call him up and ask him on a date? Should I pull him aside for a private conversation when the opportunity appears? Should I write him a letter? Does it even matter HOW I tell him? I feel like I should know how to handle this, but I don't. Men, what would you prefer? Ladies, what do you think? (ages: I'm mid 20's, he's late 20's).
daisyduke1234 Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 Well, at the end of the day you need to weigh up what you want from this. You sound like you're really into him, but at the same time telling him how you feel could mean the end of a beautiful friendship. Has he giving you any indication that he is interested in you - has he said anything that would make you think he does like you? I think you need to find out and work out for yourself how he feels for you before you say anything.... Perhaps you could casually just ask him out for a drink after work one evening as friends and see what happens. Have you been out with him away from the work environment? Also, does he have anybody?
alphamale Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 well RIA, there are two possibilities: 1) he's just not interested 2) he's interested but too shy or lack confidence in himself either scenario is bad for you...
johan Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 well RIA, there are two possibilities: 1) he's just not interested 2) he's interested but too shy or lack confidence in himself either scenario is bad for you... Explain what you think is bad (for Ria) about the second possibility.
alphamale Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 Explain what you think is bad (for Ria) about the second possibility. see below, past behaviour is an excellent predictor of future behaviour: Usually I'm used to dealing with really assertive men who are really upfront about their interest.
Yamaha Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 well RIA, there are two possibilities: 1) he's just not interested 2) he's interested but too shy or lack confidence in himself either scenario is bad for you... You seem to be used to men who are proactive and a shy guy might be a turn off. If you are willing to spend the time to get him out of his shell it might be worthwhile but, then again, you might find you don't like a guy who isn't assertive. If you are comfortable in being the aggressor then go for it but if you resent his not asking you he may not be your type.
Author Ria Posted March 26, 2006 Author Posted March 26, 2006 Well, at the end of the day you need to weigh up what you want from this. You sound like you're really into him, but at the same time telling him how you feel could mean the end of a beautiful friendship. Has he giving you any indication that he is interested in you - has he said anything that would make you think he does like you? I think you need to find out and work out for yourself how he feels for you before you say anything.... Perhaps you could casually just ask him out for a drink after work one evening as friends and see what happens. Have you been out with him away from the work environment? Also, does he have anybody? Here are more details: he's unattached. we've been to some happy-hours together (with 1-5 other people there). we've had dinner a couple times with another friend, and once had drinks with his high school buddies. he's mentioned having me over to his apartment sometime (but that hasn't actually happened yet) he single-handedly helped me move. afterwards he invited me to dinner, and when I said I that I would go with him and I would pay for it (as a thank-you for the moving), he refused to let me pay, and so then I declined to have dinner with him at all, because I felt guilty/uncomfortable that he was doing so much for me.
alphamale Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 he single-handedly helped me move. afterwards he invited me to dinner, and when I said I that I would go with him and I would pay for it (as a thank-you for the moving), he refused to let me pay, and so then I declined to have dinner with him at all, because I felt guilty/uncomfortable that he was doing so much for me. ahh yes...I see now, he suffers from "nice guy" syndrome. How unfortunate. You most likely will lose interest in him fairly quickley. I suggest you move on.
johan Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 I agree with Alpha. This man is to be avoided. He doesn't deserve a chance with you. Also, I agree that, after 100% of your relationships with "assertive" guys have failed, that you should keep going after them. It's what you do as a woman and it won't change. Good luck!!
phyrespryte Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 Just ask him out. Say, hey what are you doing this weekend? Want to blah blah blah? No need to make this so complicated. The more you think the more miserable you'll be. There's no need to make some huge declaration of love. Avoid the phone nonsense if you can too. In person is always better because you can see their reaction. And screw waiting for an opportune moment. That'll never happen. With this guy you're going to have to make stuff happen. So do it as soon as possible.
Tenorman Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 "he single-handedly helped me move. afterwards he invited me to dinner, and when I said I that I would go with him and I would pay for it (as a thank-you for the moving), he refused to let me pay, and so then I declined to have dinner with him at all, because I felt guilty/uncomfortable that he was doing so much for me." Rightly or wrongly, he may have interpreted the above behaviour by you as "I'm not interested in you", possibly even felt insulted by your insistence that you pay for the dinner and decided he no longer wanted to pursue you. Were you interested in him at that time? If no, he probably picked up on it and subsequently lost interest in you. Ask yourself: Are you only interested in him now because he seemed to have lost interest in you? If so, your current feelings may be based more on vanity (ie wanting that attention back) rather than being genuinely interested in him. If you are genuinely interested in him, then surely it is not that difficult for you to drop hints that you want him to ask you out or you could even risk rejection and ask him out yourself. Alternatively you can just wait and see if he bothers asking you out again but I suspect he won't.
mental_traveller Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 Make some excuse to be alone with him. Then, start making small talk, move onto asking about him, and as you do so, be v attentive, brush something off his clothes, straighten his hair or whatever, basically increase the intimacy of your body language. Keep doing this for 10 mins or so, and basically if he is straight and remotely interested, then he will already be thinking of how he can get you into bed and do all sorts of nasty things to you. So just lean in a bit, tell him you kind of fancy him and wait for him to do something. If he doesn't take this opportunity then he's either already involved, a total wimp, or doesn't fancy you at all.
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