lover not a fighter's sorted affair story

[lovernotafighter]

thanks LNF, I should look at it in that perspective. I have only told my bestfriend, my sister and my H about this man. I cannot tell any of the three mentioned when I'm suffering from all the hurt that I do because we'll telling H would be really hurtful and cruel to him and burden him baggage that is for me to carry. My sister and my bestfriend cannot understand why I feel so forlorn. They keep telling me that the MM is an ass and that I should mourn over trash. Really doesn't help. So here, when we share our stories, while I feel sad and tragic that others have gone through the same thing, I feel better knowing that by sharing stories and emotions with each other we are healing... day by day.

 

it's so much better being here with kindred spirits..though oddly my mother turned out to be a OW at one time to..that was so crazy.

 

but that was another time you know..things have changed and I think though hind sight is 20/20 I am more at ease telling my story here and sharing with others going through the exact same thing I am..

 

the last couple days I felt so horrid..I did cave and talk to my MM tonight..and he was actually yelling at me..I never heard him so impassioned..I was kinda impressed cause he never loses control..now I feel more confused than ever though.

 

he wasn't being a jerk though just losing control..yelling how much I mean to him and that he will be with me soon..and please tell him whats going on..he was frustrated..I told him it needed to be sorted out in person..he was completely disgusted..it's about time he sees things my way.

[zarathustra]

yelling at you? Why the need? anyway, he's made his choice as he's not left his W. Even if he did, doesn't mean he won't stay away from her. Mine didn't and is home now playing happy family of four. Stay strong and true to yourself... you deserve so much more than what he can offer you.

[Sami_D]

I did cave and talk to my MM tonight..and he was actually yelling at me..I never heard him so impassioned..I was kinda impressed cause he never loses control..now I feel more confused than ever though.

 

he wasn't being a jerk though just losing control..yelling how much I mean to him and that he will be with me soon..and please tell him whats going on..he was frustrated..I told him it needed to be sorted out in person..he was completely disgusted..it's about time he sees things my way.

 

Have you been able to have an 'in person' conversation with him yet? Just wondering what he's saying now.

 

You know I've been reading your story and wondering... it is possible that he's telling the truth. Maybe you could cut him some slack in 'believing him' to his face, even if you keep your heart and expectations guarded.

[lovernotafighter]

Have you been able to have an 'in person' conversation with him yet? Just wondering what he's saying now.

You know I've been reading your story and wondering... it is possible that he's telling the truth. Maybe you could cut him some slack in 'believing him' to his face, even if you keep your heart and expectations guarded.

 

well the week before last we tried to talk Friday...and he kinda wishy-washy again,so again I told him lets not talk about it any more and if he leaves and I happen to be single then we'll try..he looked hurt,but said okay.

 

then again he had to talk..at this point me to..because I wanted a NC and wanted to tell him in person..so we agreed to meet Thursday..but I believe he knew what I wanted and cancelled on me.

 

so I tried to ignore him,but I only managed that for 2 days then talked to him briefly then a couple more days I didn't speak to him..so Monday he came to see..and was telling me so much sweet and dear stuff...I instantly caved in and yesterday talked to him for another half hour.

 

sometimes Sami I sincerely believe him because like I mentioned..I avoided this getting together talk for ever and a day..he was the one to always bring it up. and by what I do know of him..he is a person who doesn't go back on his actions and he will dissect a situation till he makes up his mind..patience is a virtue for sure with this guy

 

it's just I really don't want to believe him and end up hurt...I'm already hurting by him bringing it up all the time...but I know if he is even entertaining the idea ,especially with out any real provocation from me..then I actually think I'm not being fair to him,because I know him well enough to be sure if it's running through his pretty head than he is as sincere as he possibly can be.

 

I have actually been thinking what you said sami..if what I just said is true...then yes,I do need to cut him some slack because the man really does love me...if he is just thinking that stuff then his feeling are at least genuine.

[Owl]

LNF-

 

So basically you're back to where you're willing to accept the situation as it is?

 

Where are you on the steps you need to take in order to end or fix your own marriage friend?

[silentjuliet]

Gosh, that was a good story. Thanks for sharing that. I wish there was more I can say but as you read my post ...I'm new to this ...new and hopefully won't allow myself to go further. But it was nice to be able to read another's story.

[lovernotafighter]

yelling at you? Why the need? anyway, he's made his choice as he's not left his W. Even if he did, doesn't mean he won't stay away from her. Mine didn't and is home now playing happy family of four. Stay strong and true to yourself... you deserve so much more than what he can offer you.

ohh zara-I didn't answer you,I'm sorry..thank you for your kind words..

 

no he didn't leave..I'm not sure he should though. he says he did tell her he wanted a divorce and he hasn't been happy in thier marrige for awhile...she asked him for one more chance..he said he didn't want to. at least this is the newest thing he's telling me. he told me monday he's been sleeping on the couch or with his kid.

 

I told him why bother you'll just go back..he swears he won't.

 

 

LNF-

So basically you're back to where you're willing to accept the situation as it is?

no..no. but I am back sliding a bit...allot.

 

I do love him owl as unhealthy and wrong as it maybe,it is true. I wish I didn't but I do. I have no plans on waiting for him and we haven't have any psychical contact in weeks..I plan on that staying that way.

 

but there is a part of me that's really believes what he is telling me..and that is the part making this so hard..he made it even harder not to believe him today because he asked me about meeting his family and when he should introduce me..he said I could meet his sisters this weekend...now I've never even expressed a interest in meeting his family..this was straight out of left field...I was pretty stunned...that could be the effect he was looking for??

 

 

Where are you on the steps you need to take in order to end or fix your own marriage friend?

 

well over this weekend we are painting 2 bedrooms to get this house ready to sell and packing up somethings..his mother this week is calling realtor's for us...we tried to have another talk last weekend and that's the only thing we seem to agree on-sell the house pay off the bills..make a clean slate for both of us.

 

I am predicting by the end of summer hopefully we will have our disillusionment and I'll be going my own way.

 

 

Gosh, that was a good story. Thanks for sharing that. I wish there was more I can say but as you read my post ...I'm new to this ...new and hopefully won't allow myself to go further. But it was nice to be able to read another's story.

 

I'm glad you read my story..I was saying in your thread that this is something you really don't want..trust me..it's been hellish..part of you wants to believe the MM (or OM in your case) wants to love him..then theres the half of you wanting to kick your own ass for doing something you never in your wildest dreams imagined you'd be doing..doing something you know is totally wrong and will blow up in your face.

 

I hope you can stop it from going further..but I know it's hard when your stressed out for along time in a unhappy marriage and theres someone who makes you feel alive again...it's almost so euphoric at times it feels impossible to ignore.

 

good luck,and stay strong..you can do it!

[Sami_D]

but there is a part of me that's really believes what he is telling me..and that is the part making this so hard..he made it even harder not to believe him today because he asked me about meeting his family and when he should introduce me..he said I could meet his sisters this weekend...now I've never even expressed a interest in meeting his family..this was straight out of left field...I was pretty stunned...that could be the effect he was looking for??

 

I've read a few stories where the MM does a similar thing. Most recent one I read was where MM has told his parents (who he says hate his W) before he's said anything to his W. He actually suggested to OW that she accompany him on the visit to his parents where he was announcing the impending D. Other people on the board told her not to go, and she didn't.

 

I think that the "thinking" (such as it is) behind this kind of thing is that the MM doesn't feel confident enough in facing his W with his needs/wants (for whatever reason), and feels the need for 'backup' or to present the W with a fait accompli, or something. Whatever is the reasoning, it's very much the wrong thing to do. Especially terrible that in that case, the W didn't even know he was planning a D!!! Someone on the other board called it 'using the OW as a shield or a target'... to deflect some of the flack and blame of the break-up onto her.

 

I don't know what your MM is thinking, but it seems that he needs some kind of guidance on not messing this whole thing up. I don't think many men have a clue about the possible emotional fallout of some of their actions. I don't think that it's appropriate to be introducing the OW to the MM's family when the D hasn't even been agreed. It's all too soon, too potentially embarrassing for family members, and potentially hurtful and confusing too.

 

I think you need to make that clear to him. I mean, I may be wrong... they may all consider him separated already and hate his W, and they won't care... but I would tread very carefully.

 

Regarding your difficult position in believing him vs. turning him away. I think one way you could approach this is to accept what he says he's doing (maybe with a few questions or suggestions if he needs them!), and then make it clear that you'll be interested in seeing the results. Don't let him have any more emotional credit. By which I mean... no concessions on your part until you see the facts of him having made these moves he's talking about.

 

On the whole, I'd err on the side of staying in contact with him (if you can, given all that you're going through in your separation), not contradicting what he says if he says he's doing things, but guarding your heart by waiting for results until you actually 'believe' him.

 

Well, that would be what I'd do.

[lovernotafighter]

I've read a few stories where the MM does a similar thing. Most recent one I read was where MM has told his parents (who he says hate his W) before he's said anything to his W. He actually suggested to OW that she accompany him on the visit to his parents where he was announcing the impending D. Other people on the board told her not to go, and she didn't.

 

I think that the "thinking" (such as it is) behind this kind of thing is that the MM doesn't feel confident enough in facing his W with his needs/wants (for whatever reason), and feels the need for 'backup' or to present the W with a fait accompli, or something. Whatever is the reasoning, it's very much the wrong thing to do. Especially terrible that in that case, the W didn't even know he was planning a D!!! Someone on the other board called it 'using the OW as a shield or a target'... to deflect some of the flack and blame of the break-up onto her.

 

I don't know what your MM is thinking, but it seems that he needs some kind of guidance on not messing this whole thing up. I don't think many men have a clue about the possible emotional fallout of some of their actions. I don't think that it's appropriate to be introducing the OW to the MM's family when the D hasn't even been agreed. It's all too soon, too potentially embarrassing for family members, and potentially hurtful and confusing too.

 

I think you need to make that clear to him. I mean, I may be wrong... they may all consider him separated already and hate his W, and they won't care... but I would tread very carefully.

 

great minds think alike Sami...there was no way in hell I was going to meet his family...though he said he'd use the guise of work friends because this was for going out for sisters birthday Saturday..it doesn't matter..they will see straight through it..

 

I asked him "have you lost your mind completely?" his reply was very much like it's Innocent..we never get to do anything yadda yadda...no way.

 

he did tell me his family hates how she treats him and this whole birthday thing she tried order him to stay home and refused to go..which he said was fine because he told her already he wants out of the M..then she called his sister and told her he wasn't going...so I have wonder if he wants me there out of spite..which I won't have a thing to do with.

I told him Ihis family shouldn't ever meet me untill he has beed divorced for awhile..no one needs to be privy to what we have done..ever.

 

Regarding your difficult position in believing him vs. turning him away. I think one way you could approach this is to accept what he says he's doing (maybe with a few questions or suggestions if he needs them!), and then make it clear that you'll be interested in seeing the results. Don't let him have any more emotional credit. By which I mean... no concessions on your part until you see the facts of him having made these moves he's talking about.

 

On the whole, I'd err on the side of staying in contact with him (if you can, given all that you're going through in your separation), not contradicting what he says if he says he's doing things, but guarding your heart by waiting for results until you actually 'believe' him.

 

Well, that would be what I'd do.

 

I agree Sami,I have so much going on with my own separation and I have other family drama going on over here as well...right now I have to concentrate on myself.

 

I don't want to question him and get hurt or act like I doubt him, my trust factor is in doubt of coarse but he really doesn't know that.

..so as i said I want to keep this kind of talk out of the picture as much as possible..I told him if we need to talk because something substantial has taking place then fine..but until then all we are doing is setting each other up for hurt.

 

I also told him once it's over and if he decides to join me (which I made it clear,I'm not waiting) ..I still need to work on my life and heal...because even if this is my choice I'm still gonna grieve. I don't think we should be each others rebound partners.

[movinon05]

You've been here longer than I, so its good to hear and compare. Maybe someday I'll do that too. In the meantime, there's one thing that was mentioned in the last few posts - meeting his family.

 

My MM told told me we were going to go to his parents one weekend (they live a few hours away). They knew about me from previous years. Well, I was just thrilled that he was finally making some kind of effort to make this all happen. He said his parents were supportive. Then two days before we were supposed to go, he tells me his parents "suddenly" showed up at his house, so we weren't going to go.

 

Another time, he told me he wanted me to come to his cabin with another couple who was going through the same thing. He begged me - even though I wasn't sure it was a good idea. Then he nixed it with some lousy excuse. I truly believe these were things he was saying just to make me feel better and give him more time. He was a master liar.

 

I saw in another part of your "saga" that your MM says they were onsolidating to pay everything off and then he could leave. I heard that one - twice!

 

While I didn't read every single post in this thread, these are two things I caught. Just wanted you to know - some of these things could potentially be lies to keep you hanging on. I cannot count the lies my MM told me. Someday I'll write some of the good ones. They are bizarre and made me feel like a fool.

[zarathustra]

The only one family member I met of my xMM is his twin who was here with his family visiting. xMM's twin's wife was angry at him that he actually ate food that I prepared for them. I guess that put another pressure on him too because he knew that I would never be accepted by his family, no matter how well I treated him. Yet another battle he wasn't willing to fight for me. So much for a knight in shining armour, eh?

 

Guess my point is, being coined the OW, we have more to battle than most.

[movinon05]

Oh I knew the W's whole family, parents, etc. Her sister treats me like the W does and taunts me when she sees me. What kills me is that I know that her H has been having As with a number of women all these years. He was my MM's best friend as well as BIL, knew about me before anyone else, and was always nice to me but distanced himself when this all came out. So when this sister pulls her SH__, do you know how much I feel like telling her about "people who live in glass houses...?" She has no clue, but I do. And I have sucked it up. If I wanted to be vengeful, I could spill the beans and destroy their marriage as well. But I'm not into that and of course, I'd get the blame for that too.

[beachrosie]

I met my MM's parents and they love me. They know how terrible things have been and for so very long. They think I am very special and know he is very in love with me. This is really what helps me help him.

 

I do love him, and deeply believe he will take the necessary steps not to protect himself, me and our children.

[movinon05]

My MMs parents liked me too. His father couldn't understand why he stayed with her.

[lovernotafighter]

You've been here longer than I, so its good to hear and compare. Maybe someday I'll do that too. In the meantime, there's one thing that was mentioned in the last few posts - meeting his family.

 

My MM told told me we were going to go to his parents one weekend (they live a few hours away). They knew about me from previous years. Well, I was just thrilled that he was finally making some kind of effort to make this all happen. He said his parents were supportive. Then two days before we were supposed to go, he tells me his parents "suddenly" showed up at his house, so we weren't going to go.

 

Another time, he told me he wanted me to come to his cabin with another couple who was going through the same thing. He begged me - even though I wasn't sure it was a good idea. Then he nixed it with some lousy excuse. I truly believe these were things he was saying just to make me feel better and give him more time. He was a master liar.

 

I saw in another part of your "saga" that your MM says they were onsolidating to pay everything off and then he could leave. I heard that one - twice!

 

While I didn't read every single post in this thread, these are two things I caught. Just wanted you to know - some of these things could potentially be lies to keep you hanging on. I cannot count the lies my MM told me. Someday I'll write some of the good ones. They are bizarre and made me feel like a fool.

yeah..the meeting the family thing I'm sure was him just trying to keep me hanging,or make me think he truly cares...this week he has been his extremely best..he admitted to me to he became worried about our relationship due to his own insecurities (his words not mine)

 

he could be feeding me lies but in the same token he has no idea if I am doing the same...I know what have been doing and have told him has been truth so I have to wonder some what if he is being honest as well...I am guarded of coarse.

 

but anyway..believe me whether he's honest or not,I won't be meeting his family..I've already meet and am in fairly regular contact with one of his best friends and that's one to many people in his life I know,in my opinion.

 

about him consolidating his bills I believe..but I don't really believe it has anything to do with me..everyone wants less payments when ever they can..I did it a year ago..didn't mean anything..so the rose colored glasses are off some what,believe me

[movinon05]

about him consolidating his bills I believe..but I don't really believe it has anything to do with me..everyone wants less payments when ever they can..I did it a year ago..didn't mean anything..so the rose colored glasses are off some what,believe me

 

Well my point on that is, that he said both times they were consolidating their bills and he was fixing it so he could leave and be financially secure, but I had to wait for that. He laid out the whole figure and how much he was going to have and leave with. Never happened. Just another thing to string me alone and buy time.

[lovernotafighter]

Well my point on that is, that he said both times they were consolidating their bills and he was fixing it so he could leave and be financially secure, but I had to wait for that. He laid out the whole figure and how much he was going to have and leave with. Never happened. Just another thing to string me alone and buy time.

 

I understand completely...my MM may or may not be is all I'm saying...trust me I take everything with a grain of salt..as you see I have been encouraging him to stay put..all I've done is offer a invite only and then told him I didn't want to discuss it further.

 

(yet I'm being ignored by him but still...)

 

my MM probably most likely wants to string me along because of his own private insecurities (as stated) I'm sure..since I told him I'm not going to wait on him he is a little nervous of losing me (I'm guessing) because it is happening,he's losing me,I'm slipping away and he knows it...what he does about it...thats any ones guess...most likely nothing..and that's fine.

[Sami_D]

LNAF... I just wanted to say what a great job I think you're doing of sorting out your life. So many stories of miserable marriages and unfulfilling affairs on here, and you're making a stand in both.

 

Keep up the good work.

[lovernotafighter]

LNAF... I just wanted to say what a great job I think you're doing of sorting out your life. So many stories of miserable marriages and unfulfilling affairs on here, and you're making a stand in both.

 

Keep up the good work.

 

Thank you Sami,I seriously needed to hear that,you made my day!

 

I just wish these things in my life wouldn't take so long..but you know though it took me years to start thinking about my self...and I regret that.

 

but perhaps I wouldn't have even started to look at my life from the outside looking in if it was for things like my MM..but like people have commented on what he will do or won't ..

 

the bottom line is it doesn't matter what he does or says in respect to my choice..he could be lying ,he might not be,it has no baring on what I am going to with my life...it's mine not these guys.

 

his involvement just made it clear to me things are seriously wrong and the only person who is going to change things is me.

[movinon05]

Thank you Sami,I seriously needed to hear that,you made my day!

 

I just wish these things in my life wouldn't take so long..but you know though it took me years to start thinking about my self...and I regret that.

 

but perhaps I wouldn't have even started to look at my life from the outside looking in if it was for things like my MM..but like people have commented on what he will do or won't ..

 

the bottom line is it doesn't matter what he does or says in respect to my choice..he could be lying ,he might not be,it has no baring on what I am going to with my life...it's mine not these guys.

 

his involvement just made it clear to me things are seriously wrong and the only person who is going to change things is me.

 

I applaud you too. I wish I had been as strong as you and didn't let him dictate my life. But I was so naive.

[lovernotafighter]

I applaud you too. I wish I had been as strong as you and didn't let him dictate my life. But I was so naive.

thank you very much..wow you guys are really great,you don't know how much I appreciate your kindness.

 

don't cut your self down though movinon,we all make mistakes or we won't be here in the first place right? the best thing to do is learn from them and ...there is new found inner strengh and empathy to be had from our experiences..the thing is to use it and apply it,I truly believe I have.

 

not only that though ladies I can't take all the credit to my strengh..remember this whole thing (plus plenty more ) drove me to start taking anti-depressants..

 

though I had the same attitude, my body was telling a different story -weight loss,broken teeth from grinding them at night...my periods were all out of wack..my doctor picked out depression and stress...also a good indicator for me to do something about all this..but theres more..I'll give you guys the short version of my life from January till now and you'll see if it wasn't for lovely Lexapro I'd have a nervous break down.

 

asked H for a D

 

argue when I see H,or don't see him at all.

 

having a A with a supervisor (MM)

 

work drama - placed on double shifts just to have my job snatched from me and being forced to take a grooling low paying job. (MM has no part in this,actually he risks his jobs and fools with my pay (more added stress actually)) crazy hours.

 

grandmother had a heart attack

 

aunt went crazy,placed in nursing home.

 

another aunt stealing all relatives money.

 

brother just found out has HIV

 

H's aunt (whom I'm close to) is going through massive kemo and I have to help her.

 

MM's distraught he has found out his sisters and now their children were all molested by a family member.

 

now my finances are in chaos's and I need to find a second job.

 

so believe me I'm not really that strong ,but Lexapro has made me more like this ----->*shrugs* and also my problems are minute compared to all the other crap going on in my life...so I can't dwell to much on good ol MM or H,right?

[scarletletter]

LNF

That sort of hit home for me...the Lexapro thing. I told my husband that he needs to write a thank you note to the makers of Lexapro. He said, what are you talking about? I told him that if it were not for me taking Lexapro he would have been dead a long time ago, I would be in prison and our daughter would be an orphan!!!! He is an impossible man to live with and the lexapro just makes it barely tolerable. Now if I could just get him to take some so he would not give a cr*p when I pack my stuff an GO!!!

[lovernotafighter]

LNF

That sort of hit home for me...the Lexapro thing. I told my husband that he needs to write a thank you note to the makers of Lexapro. He said, what are you talking about? I told him that if it were not for me taking Lexapro he would have been dead a long time ago, I would be in prison and our daughter would be an orphan!!!! He is an impossible man to live with and the lexapro just makes it barely tolerable. Now if I could just get him to take some so he would not give a cr*p when I pack my stuff an GO!!!

 

LOL! I told my Husband to thank them to!

 

actually my Husband did start taking paxil after I told him the Lexapro was taking the edge off..there perfect..not to much of a good thing..just enough.

 

when I told my doctor the full gisit of what was going on he gave me some xanax to but told me only to take them when things were really bad..but I haven't had the need,fortuanatly.

 

maybe I should write them for both of us

[movinon05]

If you have to take lexapro or whatever, I can understand. When I was separating from my husband, he went into some kind of depression, stopped working mostly, sat in a chair and his hand just shook uncontrollably. I mean for hours at a time. And that was before he even knew about my MM.

 

Then he said he was going to commit suicide. He "took my son to school for the last time", took pen and paper to write goodbye notes to my children, etc. Long story, but he was admitted to a facility for 3 days. There's all sorts of sordid details that would fill a book, but I finally went to my doctor and told him what was going on. He put me on lopramazine or something like that. It was very mild and I only took it when I was upset, and it just calmed me down so that I could function. I then just took them when things got too overwhelming so I could deal with them and think straight. Mostly, I worked through it myself. So I can understand you taking something when you have so much stress in your life.

 

What I meant about your being strong was to say that at least you are handling things the right way. You are being smart. You're doing what's necessary with your marriage and not centering your life around your MM. I was so naive I believe everything he said and hung on his every word. I did whatever he asked and my whole family suffered for it. And I thought my world would fall apart if I didn't have my MM. You're being smart with a lot of knowledge I didn't have about these types of situations. So I still applaud you.

[Sami_D]

not only that though ladies I can't take all the credit to my strengh..remember this whole thing (plus plenty more ) drove me to start taking anti-depressants..

 

though I had the same attitude, my body was telling a different story -weight loss,broken teeth from grinding them at night...my periods were all out of wack..my doctor picked out depression and stress...also a good indicator for me to do something about all this..

 

No one (well not me) is telling you that you haven't faced a lot of stuff and reacted in a normal (even if painful) way to it.

 

It's that you've decided to sort it out that is important.

 

We all have crap in our lives... and we all suffer from that. You had bad things happen... you reacted to the stress.... and now you're doing things about it.

 

I don't know. None of us knows what other people suffer, how deeply they feel things. We only have words, and physical effects (and our abilities to describe those)... and we're all trying to do the best we can (from our own perspectives... and to me that includes all the Narcissists, all the cake-eaters, and everyone... they can only be who they are and see life as they do, however twisted).

 

LNAF... I have a feeling it will all work out OK for you because, for whatever fortuitious or hard-fought reason, you have decided to fight and do the right thing, and that is SO good to read.

 

For the rest of us who may be there, or almost there, or will be there.. .or will always fight... or whatever we're doing... I wish you (and me) the best.

 

Happy Easter.