lover not a fighter's sorted affair story

[lovernotafighter]

thank you everybody who has helped me so much already on this forum..I figured it was time I told you my story so here it is (I'm sure I'm missing allot,I apologise)

 

I am a 33 year old MW having a both psychical and emotional A with a 34 year old MM who has one child I have none.

I have been with my H for 15 years,he has been with his W for 12.

 

we have been working at the same company for almost 2 years (in July) he started as my supervisor. I always thought he was cute and nice so I avoided him like the plaque till about a year ago (last Jan 05) when I started having problems with a co-worker so I had no choice but to talk to him.

 

the attraction was so intense you could cut it with a knife and we started to become friends but of coarse it was obvious that we were lurking around each other cause of the chemistry..like watching each other,making up reasons to talk..it did become real friendship but to say it didn't start because we had school age crush would be baloney.

 

in July of last year he was put on another shift in a different department and that's when everything really started...we missed each other and ended up exchanging cell numbers and e-mail address but we didn't admit anything or engage in anything beyond friendship till October...just a phone call here and a letter there that basically said "hello whats happening in your life these days? "

 

when we finally admitted what we have been feeling it wasn't till I decided the crush thing was getting to intense for me..I literally would forget what I was talking about or get so clumsy around him I felt like I was losing my mind...I figured if I avoided him for awhile we could just forget it..I didn't tell him..just stoped writing and calling and I'd go out of my way to see him at least once or twice a week,I stopped that to.

 

I thought my feelings were why more intense than his,so I was floored that with in 2 weeks he cracked the code on what I was doing and came after me furious...we got into our first argument and everything came out that day (we argued at work for a hour ,augh) and night (he left called me...I came home there was a e-mail)

 

so that was in early October and we started to e-mailed each other everyday sometimes as often as ten times a day and chatted on msn till late December. called a few times a week, and we visited each other at work a few times a week as well...so the EA was then but we didn't touch each other till early December,we went out and had some drinks and we hugged and kissed goodnight only...but by the end of December it was a full blown PA.

 

somewhere in my mind I believed if we had a PA all the EA stuff would start to die..I would be right if I said we quite writing everyday because of that but no.

 

the day after new years he left his msn messenger open and I thought he was on..I wrote him and his W was on the comp..I didn't say anything bad or incriminating but my picture was on there and she lost it (she doesn't know me,but it was a cute picture,that's all)..he was banished off the computer and sat down like a child over and over..over a girl saying hello are you there...which was the extent of it...she still brings it up to him to this day. they have had to go marriage counseling over it.

 

so now he only writes me from work..which is still everyday but Sundays. and we still call a few times a week...her banishing him off the computer actually picked up our 'dates' more because we talked less..so after that we went out at least once a week...being on different shifts and his child makes it difficult.

 

so now here is march and I asked my H for a divorce in December,my H asked me to try one last time..so the beginning of this month I told him we had to get a D and we are going to file disillusionment.

 

the sorted details I started to keep from my MM because since the msn problem he has been talking about divorce at least once a week..I have encouraged him to work on his marriage and we both initiated NC at least once but it didn't last more than 2 weeks for either time.

 

so after being a member of this site I started to think he's trying to fill my head full of garbage because I even point blank asked him not to talk to me anymore about him wanting to leave his wife..(I know nothing can be that bad and also it would end up hurting me,right?) he continued..he did try not 2 for all of 2 weeks..that was that.

 

so out of curiosity I dropped my disillusionment bomb on him and told him he is welcome to join me if things are so terrible and he has been talking about wanting out non-stop..I told him by the end of the summer I should be on my own..he was stunned to say the least.

 

and as predicted said everything we woman have read on here over and over...I can't leave because of my kid. I can't afford it...I really do love my wife and don't want to hurt her..she has health problems..I am attracted to her even though she's nasty to me..blah,blah,blah

 

this is all I wanted to hear...the truth of the matter...perhaps at least he'd do what I asked in the first place and stop talking about...just admit you want it all..is that so hard? I never made any demands ever,I wanted the same things he did,there was never a reason to lie to me about his marriage especially since I always told him to treat his W like the most sublime woman on the planet and never make plans with me at the expense of losing time with his family.

 

in fact I have broken dates with him when I realised he will miss his kids karate class or something else he should be there for.

 

during that conversation he tells me ,he can't leave and would never ask me to wait for him because it would be wrong ( why did he say this?) I said I am just offering you a invitation, I'm not going to wait ,I will date,I'm not going to be alone...he said just be honest and tell me if meet someone okay,I said of coarse I will...we can always be friends...I can see it on his face these things he didn't want to hear.

 

so after all that,and I have been posting about this around here..he flipped everything on me after a weekend of not talking.now he says he does want to join me and he will work out his finances,just like I'm doing here with my H..he says he is going to do everything I said I was doing here and will be out of his home by the end of the year.

 

when I asked him about all the stuff he told me about loving his W,he said I do..just like you do your H..but I'm in love with you and I don't know what to about it...he says he always intended on leaving but not till his child was much older...but now theres me and he'd be a fool to let me go.

 

so now he wants us to sit down and have serious talk about this and start hammering out details..we were suppose to next week..but we postponed it till the following week for more time.

 

I already have told him not to do this for me..but he only should for himself..he doesn't know what being with me will be like..if he intended on waiting...then wait. but you know he has that man hearing and isn't listening.

 

part of me believes him and part of me thinks he's playing a game he has to win or something. so regardless..I didn't lie and I doing this with or with out him..it was a invitation but not a demand. my options will always be open..he knows this..and I'm afraid it might be his driving motivation.

 

anyway this is my story,I thought I'd share it with you guys since I've been begining to post around allot. I thought it would be fair to share my messed up A story and give some background to what I've been saying.

 

I say to my self my A is bitter sweet...but I'm finding it's more average everyday.

 

but again thanks again everyone all your thoughts have helped me more than you could ever know.

[scarletletter]

Wow! Great story and it sounds hauntingly familiar, as do most of the stories on here. Are we ALL seeing the SAME married man????

[Blind Illusion]

This was a really great idea, LoverNotAFighter, especially for people like me that haven't been around all that long. LIKE ScarlettLetter said above me, it does have a ring of familiarity to it. As I was reading your post, I nodded many times in agreement, like when you broke dates to encourage his attending his son's karate class. I remember cutting a time in a hotel short because I didn't want his daughter to be late for a slumber party.

 

People don't realize that we are women just like everyone else except, before we realized it, we had developed deep feelings for someone we shouldn't have.

 

One thing, IN PARTICULAR, that I give you so much credit for is how you issued that invitation to him and told him how you wouldn't be alone, etc. I never pushed the issue at all with my MM and while it's not as intense as it once was, (everyday calls, etc) it's been 6 years now that he has been in my life. Half of my marriage.

 

In some ways, my marriage was able to go on only because my MM was in my life. I always knew in my heart that if i give up one, I will probably have to give up the other. Let's face it; my marriage was not that great if this affair happened and it won't be any better after the MM leaves. And if I did end my marriage, the part time status of the MM isn't going to cut it. (he has always been honest about that)

 

So far, I have done nothing though & I can't go on forever like this.

[lovernotafighter]

Wow! Great story and it sounds hauntingly familiar, as do most of the stories on here. Are we ALL seeing the SAME married man????

thank you...I believe our MM's could be...there for he's getting around huh?..WA and I are convinced ours are at least cousins :-)> but same person?...very possible.

 

This was a really great idea, LoverNotAFighter, especially for people like me that haven't been around all that long. LIKE ScarlettLetter said above me, it does have a ring of familiarity to it. As I was reading your post, I nodded many times in agreement, like when you broke dates to encourage his attending his son's karate class. I remember cutting a time in a hotel short because I didn't want his daughter to be late for a slumber party.

People don't realize that we are women just like everyone else except, before we realized it, we had developed deep feelings for someone we shouldn't have.

thanks BI..putting my story on here and re-reading it made me say to myself "gee whiz this is even more messed up than I realised"...I never put a time line on my A before till I made this post..things just evolved from one phase to the next,you know what I mean? and then the next thing I know it's like a year and half later and we are acting insane.

but I never wanted to hurt anyone ever and I don't want him to miss anything in his family's life ever either..people really wouldn't know us OW do care,we really do.

One thing, IN PARTICULAR, that I give you so much credit for is how you issued that invitation to him and told him how you wouldn't be alone, etc. I never pushed the issue at all with my MM and while it's not as intense as it once was, (everyday calls, etc) it's been 6 years now that he has been in my life. Half of my marriage.

In some ways, my marriage was able to go on only because my MM was in my life. I always knew in my heart that if i give up one, I will probably have to give up the other. Let's face it; my marriage was not that great if this affair happened and it won't be any better after the MM leaves. And if I did end my marriage, the part time status of the MM isn't going to cut it. (he has always been honest about that)

So far, I have done nothing though & I can't go on forever like this.

your statement is so true with me..(and thank you for you compliment) I will have to give them both up...I will want more than my MM is willing to give eventually,so I just left the ball in his court..

to honest with you this talk he wants to have 2 weeks from now,I don't want to have.I believe we will set our selves up for pain..I rather just progress our own way and if he leaves when I do we can try but he doesn't I will move on...we then really should be on our own for awhile before jumping right into another serious relationship...can I say that after everything he and I have done and been through?

 

my marriage was over for years to BI I thank my MM secretly though because it (the A) was the final coffin nail in my shame of a marriage.

my H has also cheated and the weird thing was I felt nothing really..we should have broke up then,but we stay together for all the wrong reasons.

actually my H and I are being amicable so far and I feel better telling my MM the truth...so I'm in a good place right now..and thanks to LS I don't think I have any false hopes about anything else either.

[Walking away]

It seems like so many of us OW are going through the same emotions at the same time. Either we are contemplating ending the relationship or we already have. It is such a sad situation for us all. The heartache of these affairs are palpable to me.

 

I often ask myself how in the world did I let this whole thing get this far? All I can do is shrug my shoulders and shake my head....

 

My MM and I parted ways lovingly...but I miss him. I am still functioning just fine, but nevertheless, I still miss him. And I know it will probably get worse before it gets better.

 

I feel for all of us in similiar situations. Keep her heads held high, ladies. I am convinced that every one of you are fantastic women who have alot to offer this world. And, I know that each and every one of us will get through these difficulties we face victoriously.

 

My thoughts are with all of you.

[RecordProducer]

As you see, when the other woman says calmly:

- "Don't leave your wife and kids!"

- "I will not wait for you"

- "I will date other guys"

and actually means all of it (!), the guy wants to pursue their relationship! Then he feels like he is losing the woman he loves and is not pushed to divorce.

 

I don't think he is playing a game with you, I think he is really in love, but you're right that he might NOT have plans to get divorced at all, but just wants to keep you around for a long time. Forget him! Start dating other people. If this guy wants you, he'll leave his wife very soon. But you need to cut every contact with him. Otherwise you'll be the OW for many years and he'll never leave his wife as he will have his cake and eat it too.

[lovernotafighter]

It seems like so many of us OW are going through the same emotions at the same time. Either we are contemplating ending the relationship or we already have. It is such a sad situation for us all. The heartache of these affairs are palpable to me.

I often ask myself how in the world did I let this whole thing get this far? All I can do is shrug my shoulders and shake my head....

My MM and I parted ways lovingly...but I miss him. I am still functioning just fine, but nevertheless, I still miss him. And I know it will probably get worse before it gets better.

I feel for all of us in similar situations. Keep her heads held high, ladies. I am convinced that every one of you are fantastic women who have allot to offer this world. And, I know that each and every one of us will get through these difficulties we face victoriously.

My thoughts are with all of you.

WA you are a inspiration truly...I can only hope I come out this half as strong and with a loving opinion of my MM as you have.

 

your encouraging words mean allot to all of us facing the same difficulties,I know for me especially..thank you *hugs*

 

As you see, when the other woman says calmly:

- "Don't leave your wife and kids!"

- "I will not wait for you"

- "I will date other guys"

and actually means all of it (!), the guy wants to pursue their relationship! Then he feels like he is losing the woman he loves and is not pushed to divorce.

I don't think he is playing a game with you, I think he is really in love, but you're right that he might NOT have plans to get divorced at all, but just wants to keep you around for a long time. Forget him! Start dating other people. If this guy wants you, he'll leave his wife very soon. But you need to cut every contact with him. Otherwise you'll be the OW for many years and he'll never leave his wife as he will have his cake and eat it too.

yes ,I do think his driving motivation is because I told him I won't wait..maybe he gave that allot of thought. but I only half hearted believe he will leave..perhaps he's having temporary insanity when he decided this is what he wants.

 

he may truly love me and that's memory I want to take with me when all is said and done. like WA has said if I can part ways with him in caring manner and know we are both happy than that's enough for me.

 

but once I'm single I believe you are dead on..as much as I'd like to believe I could be his friend as I stated to him..I know damn well that just isn't possible. and I have to have no contact with him...some how.

 

and if leaves after that and I happen to still be single than perhaps we can give it a try. this is exactly what I am going to tell him when we talk like he wants...this was what I already have stated. I know he would like me to say I'll be waiting or something to that effect..but I'm not.

[Walking away]

The turmoil you must be going through has got to be so intense!

 

My MM told me that he would never ask me to wait for him as it would not be fair to me...but he wishes that I would hold on a little longer. He is being smothered by his wife and he knows that she will never be able to trust him ever again. And, he loves me....of this I am absolutely certain. I would imagine that he is going through much the same turmoil that I am. But I have imposed the NC. He must learn to function with me out of his life. And, he needs to be in his marriage WITHOUT me. For, if he is to save it, it must be without my presence.

 

I have also taken the stance that you are taking....I am going on with my life. I fee that he needs time away from everyone to get some clarity in his life. He is a wreck and blames himself for all of this pain he has caused. I also told him to do whatever makes HIM happy. For we only have one life to live...and if it is with his wife...so be it. If it isn't....he knows where to find me...but I will not be waiting. And I am not.

 

Thank you for your kind words....I find a tremendous amount of strength from reading other women's posts. Whatever happens, I am in your corner.

[Guest]

the day after new years he left his msn messenger open and I thought he was on..I wrote him and his W was on the comp..I didn't say anything bad or incriminating but my picture was on there and she lost it (she doesn't know me,but it was a cute picture,that's all)..he was banished off the computer and sat down like a child over and over..over a girl saying hello are you there...

 

Realize something here friend. His wife undoubtedly suspected something already. It's almost impossible for someone to begin an affair and take it to the emotional level that you described without it seriously impacting your relationship with your spouse. She's probably had a "gut feeling" for at least a month prior to catching the IM open that something was seriously wrong...and seeing your IM made it all make sense to her.

 

It's not 'sitting him down like a little boy'. She was trying to end the contact that she knew was/is destroying her marriage. She tried to create a boundary to save her marriage...which of course he and you promply circumvented to continue the affair.

 

Don't look down on her for taking actions to save her marriage...it's what EVERY BS does when they begin to realize what's going on.

 

Regardless of however your situation goes, I truly wish the best things possible for all three of you in this situation...you, him, and her.

[Owl]

the day after new years he left his msn messenger open and I thought he was on..I wrote him and his W was on the comp..I didn't say anything bad or incriminating but my picture was on there and she lost it (she doesn't know me,but it was a cute picture,that's all)..he was banished off the computer and sat down like a child over and over..over a girl saying hello are you there...

 

Realize something here friend. His wife undoubtedly suspected something already. It's almost impossible for someone to begin an affair and take it to the emotional level that you described without it seriously impacting your relationship with your spouse. She's probably had a "gut feeling" for at least a month prior to catching the IM open that something was seriously wrong...and seeing your IM made it all make sense to her.

 

It's not 'sitting him down like a little boy'. She was trying to end the contact that she knew was/is destroying her marriage. She tried to create a boundary to save her marriage...which of course he and you promply circumvented to continue the affair.

 

Don't look down on her for taking actions to save her marriage...it's what EVERY BS does when they begin to realize what's going on.

 

Regardless of however your situation goes, I truly wish the best things possible for all three of you in this situation...you, him, and her.

[lovernotafighter]

The turmoil you must be going through has got to be so intense!

My MM told me that he would never ask me to wait for him as it would not be fair to me...but he wishes that I would hold on a little longer. He is being smothered by his wife and he knows that she will never be able to trust him ever again. And, he loves me....of this I am absolutely certain. I would imagine that he is going through much the same turmoil that I am. But I have imposed the NC. He must learn to function with me out of his life. And, he needs to be in his marriage WITHOUT me. For, if he is to save it, it must be without my presence.

I have also taken the stance that you are taking....I am going on with my life. I fee that he needs time away from everyone to get some clarity in his life. He is a wreck and blames himself for all of this pain he has caused. I also told him to do whatever makes HIM happy. For we only have one life to live...and if it is with his wife...so be it. If it isn't....he knows where to find me...but I will not be waiting. And I am not.

Thank you for your kind words....I find a tremendous amount of strength from reading other women's posts. Whatever happens, I am in your corner.

my turmoil is more intense than I lead on to anyone including myself...it's hard to go through this alone...I am so happy I found this site and and sincerely glad I made this thread.

 

about 2 months ago I went and seen my doctor,I was internalising everything going on in my life..I was grinding my teeth to pulp in my sleep,my body couldn't stay regular with girlie things (you know) and in 3 months I lost 30 pounds...I wasn't sleeping or eating. I had to do something and got on anti-depressants.

 

that has helped take the edge off,thats for sure. just getting this off my chest and re-reading my own words has helped to..it's a hard thing to look at your from the outside looking in. when you are a OW it's near impossible to do that. and drawing strengh from others experiences is going to help terremdously I'm sure of that..thanks for being in my corner..this isn't over for me yet,yikes!

 

 

Realize something here friend. His wife undoubtedly suspected something already. It's almost impossible for someone to begin an affair and take it to the emotional level that you described without it seriously impacting your relationship with your spouse. She's probably had a "gut feeling" for at least a month prior to catching the IM open that something was seriously wrong...and seeing your IM made it all make sense to her.

It's not 'sitting him down like a little boy'. She was trying to end the contact that she knew was/is destroying her marriage. She tried to create a boundary to save her marriage...which of course he and you promptly circumvented to continue the affair.

Don't look down on her for taking actions to save her marriage...it's what EVERY BS does when they begin to realize what's going on.

Regardless of however your situation goes, I truly wish the best things possible for all three of you in this situation...you, him, and her.

 

I do as of lately owl truly see what really was happening there...as i was saying to WA..I didn't have anyone to talk to but my MM about everything going on with us.

 

please believe me when I say I'd never look down my nose at his spouse,after all this is her husband.

 

however,I did find her reaction to the IM situation to extreme to say the least. so I agree with you,I also believed there had to be more to this to 'cause her to respond in the manner in which she did.

 

so I asked him "what exactly is going on in your home,what are you doing to your W?". he lead me to believe he compartmentalises his life, and is fully capable of sharing his emotions with her and I as well as everything else..he blamed her reaction to years and years of being on medication and self esteem issues which rose from the medication ,which made her become irritable,volatile and caused weight gain.

 

I think because I love him and want to believe all he tells me I chose to believe this rather than she realises he is giving his love and affections and time to another and was trying all she knew how to stop him from doing so.

 

thank you for your well wishes and for posting this...I really need to sit and look at everything from all sides. everyone here is really helping me open my eyes,I needed to hear this.

[zarathustra]

Hi. thanks for your post. I feel like your timeline and your situation mirrored mine. Except I still work with my xMM. I feel your pain. My xMM left his wife and kids to be with me and I left my H to be with him. He said that when he and I split up that he didn't expect to miss his kids as much as he did. Cannot imagine being a part time dad anymore. All the things I told him he would feel if he were to leave his family. He ended up hurting me the most when he said that he was still in love with his wife after all the horrible emotional abuse he said she put him through. Anyway, he is now back with his wife and kids living his 'happily ever after' with them. I only hope that she treats him better than she had. He is a good man, just not good to/for me. He talks to me at work like nothing ever happened with us. I guess that's just how its got to be.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. I know feeling of void right in the core of your being and I know that feeling of intense pain. take good care.

[RecordProducer]

I think you're not 100% in love or at least you're not acting/thinking like you are. That's very good for you.

 

Do NC and date other guys. if he comes around - good for you. If not - good that you continued with your life. You have no reason whatsoever to wait for him, not to mention to give him a deadline to get divorced. Deadlines never work.

[whichwayisup]

about 2 months ago I went and seen my doctor,I was internalising everything going on in my life..I was grinding my teeth to pulp in my sleep,my body couldn't stay regular with girlie things (you know) and in 3 months I lost 30 pounds...I wasn't sleeping or eating. I had to do something and got on anti-depressants.

 

Good that you did something about it, but are you seeing a therapist as well? I really think that could help too. The meds ofcourse will numb you and take the edge off what you're feeling and going through, but the therapy, talking about it is what will HELP you move past all this, cope with the feelings and better yourself so you NEVER allow yourself to ever get involved again with a MM. This situation HAS to have taken a huge bite out of your self esteem - To feel secondary, to not feel number one when you infact make HIM your number one, has to hurt like hell...So, in that respect, the therapy can help you get that confidence back, rebuild and go from there.

[Owl]

I think because I love him and want to believe all he tells me I chose to believe this rather than she realises he is giving his love and affections and time to another and was trying all she knew how to stop him from doing so.

 

Interesting thought for you...I'd bet good money that she was thinking the EXACT same thing. Because she loves him, she was wanting to believe him too.

 

Sadly, the BS and OP actually DO tend to have a lot in common in this respect. Both are trying their best to win (or win back) the love of the same person. And both are willing to do a LOT to prove their love for the MP and to garner that love back in return. Which is why you end up with a lot of MM/MW that are "cake-eaters"...they fight to keep the status quo because they're being courted very very heavily by TWO people...often that feeling outweighs the negative aspects of that situation.

 

I'm a FBS...but at the same time I try to stop and realize that it's no picnic for ANYONE who is in this situation. I do come on the OM/OW board, but don't come here to bash or attack anyone...simply to help out where I can.

 

I can garauntee that he's been compartmentalizing his life...it's a hallmark trait of those who carry on an affair. My wife did so in her case too...and tried her level best to convince me that they were 'just friends'...'nothing to worry about'. When we were together and she wasn't online with OM, she would try to make things seem like they were all fine...but as time went on, she became more and more incapable of doing so. Her constant thoughts of OM trickled over and impacted her day to day live. She withdrew from me, emotionally and physically. She became very short with the kids. Began leaving ALL of the housework for me to get done when I got home...so that she could IM him all the time. She became EXTREMELY defensive to anything that was said...she ALWAYS took it in the worst possible fashion...all as a means to justify in her mind what she was doing with him. It's the nature of how these things work.

 

Hang in there. The best possible thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself. Get involved with your friends, start going to the gym or doing something physical to help you deal with things...anything that wears you out and helps you sleep. Get a support system of family and friends in place so that you have resources to help you deal with things.

[lovernotafighter]

Hi. thanks for your post. I feel like your timeline and your situation mirrored mine. Except I still work with my xMM. I feel your pain. My xMM left his wife and kids to be with me and I left my H to be with him. He said that when he and I split up that he didn't expect to miss his kids as much as he did. Cannot imagine being a part time dad anymore. All the things I told him he would feel if he were to leave his family. He ended up hurting me the most when he said that he was still in love with his wife after all the horrible emotional abuse he said she put him through. Anyway, he is now back with his wife and kids living his 'happily ever after' with them. I only hope that she treats him better than she had. He is a good man, just not good to/for me. He talks to me at work like nothing ever happened with us. I guess that's just how its got to be.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. I know feeling of void right in the core of your being and I know that feeling of intense pain. take good care.

 

 

zarathustra I didn't even think about what your saying...I didn't look into the future thinking if he did in fact leave he'd just return.

 

truthfully I have struggling with if he is serious and haven't gave to much thought if he is what will happen afterwards..well a little but more over if I could handle all the responsibility and drama taking his life on will entail.

 

we do still work for the same company,just different shifts in different departments. we have to go out of our to see one another...but on occasion we have just run into each other..which is going to make NC difficult.

 

thanks for sharing your story,yours and everyones post spawned me to do something last night..I explain in a moment.

 

I think you're not 100% in love or at least you're not acting/thinking like you are. That's very good for you.

 

Do NC and date other guys. if he comes around - good for you. If not - good that you continued with your life. You have no reason whatsoever to wait for him, not to mention to give him a deadline to get divorced. Deadlines never work.

 

 

I think I am a 100% in love, I have to be,I put my mind and body through hell and have enough brians normally to walk away,yet I can't..

 

I really am not showing him ,and he didn't think I was in love with him till he dragged it out of me...I never wear my heart on my sleeve but actions speak volumes and looking at the amount of energy we both have put into this,I think it's safe to assume he is to.

 

no I don't want to give him a dead line, but actually I don't want to think about dating either..I want to take my life one step at a time..baby steps but still....

 

Good that you did something about it, but are you seeing a therapist as well? I really think that could help too. The meds ofcourse will numb you and take the edge off what you're feeling and going through, but the therapy, talking about it is what will HELP you move past all this, cope with the feelings and better yourself so you NEVER allow yourself to ever get involved again with a MM. This situation HAS to have taken a huge bite out of your self esteem - To feel secondary, to not feel number one when you in fact make HIM your number one, has to hurt like hell...So, in that respect, the therapy can help you get that confidence back, rebuild and go from there.

 

no I haven't seen a therapist...the best therapy I've gotten in all honesty has been telling my story here and listening to what everyone has to say.

 

I'll put my updates here and I think that will help to because I know the worst is yet to come.

 

this has and hasn't taken a bite out my self esteem WWIU..in one respect I do burn down to think he is sleeping with her..but it's his wife..I remind myself how selfish that is and I went into this with knowledge I am second..not even..I'm dead last on his list.

 

but I understand WWIU what your saying..but as far hurting my self esteem...that's really not whats destroying it....it's the fact that I am going against everything I thought I was,I in effect am destroying my integrity.

 

but in the same token..when I lost all that weight,I went with it started going to a gym..I weigh 115 pounds right now (a little to thin but...).when I ground my teeth I went and got caps and veneers and now have perfect teeth (this I just finished about 3 weeks ago)..I tan and make sure I do nice things for myself and my confidence..for example,I make sure I'm go get my hair done or my nails..treat myself to some new clothes..yadda yadda.

 

I always thought I was very pretty but I believe I look better than I ever have at 33.not meaning to sound shallow here.

 

but the truth of it,it's all superficial..my outsides look good but it's masking my s***ty insides..it seems the worse I feel the more I do to myself..I even thinking about getting implants and I'm going to see a plastic surgeon ...I'm almost out of control with this,where my mother has asked me if I'm bulimic and even my MM asked me to stop because he is worried.

 

I went and got a ton of books about hope and forgiveness..I think I need to something for some new power,something for my will ,something that needs to come from the inside,rather than what I'm doing.

 

but therapy..I don't believe I can handle that. :-(

 

Interesting thought for you...I'd bet good money that she was thinking the EXACT same thing. Because she loves him, she was wanting to believe him too.

Sadly, the BS and OP actually DO tend to have a lot in common in this respect. Both are trying their best to win (or win back) the love of the same person. And both are willing to do a LOT to prove their love for the MP and to garner that love back in return. Which is why you end up with a lot of MM/MW that are "cake-eaters"...they fight to keep the status quo because they're being courted very very heavily by TWO people...often that feeling outweighs the negative aspects of that situation.

I'm a FBS...but at the same time I try to stop and realize that it's no picnic for ANYONE who is in this situation. I do come on the OM/OW board, but don't come here to bash or attack anyone...simply to help out where I can.

I can garauntee that he's been compartmentalizing his life...it's a hallmark trait of those who carry on an affair. My wife did so in her case too...and tried her level best to convince me that they were 'just friends'...'nothing to worry about'. When we were together and she wasn't online with OM, she would try to make things seem like they were all fine...but as time went on, she became more and more incapable of doing so. Her constant thoughts of OM trickled over and impacted her day to day live. She withdrew from me, emotionally and physically. She became very short with the kids. Began leaving ALL of the housework for me to get done when I got home...so that she could IM him all the time. She became EXTREMELY defensive to anything that was said...she ALWAYS took it in the worst possible fashion...all as a means to justify in her mind what she was doing with him. It's the nature of how these things work.

Hang in there. The best possible thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself. Get involved with your friends, start going to the gym or doing something physical to help you deal with things...anything that wears you out and helps you sleep. Get a support system of family and friends in place so that you have resources to help you deal with things.

 

owl I have a update and must tell you when I can home and read everyones posts yours was dead on.

 

yesterday he tracked me down and told me he told his wife he wanted a divorce..he said they got into a arguement and she said she knows since december he hasn't been the same person and wants out and he told her yes it's true.

 

so right there proves you are right..she known something was wrong and is trying to straighten everything out and is confused,like you said I'm sure she wants to believe all he says as well.

 

so now he tells me 6months maybe sooner he will be out...I honestly was speechless at the time,but later gave all this much thought and sent him a letter...I rather would have liked to talked in person but this couldn't wait.

 

I told him allot of what was said in this thread (fortunatly I read this thread before I wrote it) I told him it's obvious she loves him and they have a life...my marriage might be dead but his is worth saving.

he should consider that if he leaves he'll probably return and have repair all he has done to everyone and it will be that much harder than if he just starts now..that also means to let me go.

 

I asked him to please think about what I am saying and know these are truths...that the grass really isn't greener on the other side.

 

it does hurt me to say you have to let me go..but I have been through hell and back..and my opinion is this,it's better to have loved than lost than to never have loved at all..

 

I can take the good memories and cherish them,and learn from them...my life won't be dead with out him...quite the contrary,like I mentioned above I've already done allot for myself and now I'm taking up my old hobbies like acting and painting and finding me again is kinda joyful.

 

but I do have a deep sadness that I can't shake off,it like a shadow in my mind holding hostage,and I know till everything is over it will not let me go.

 

thanks again everyone for your support...I'm curious as to what my MM will do now..I'll post a update when he responds.

[Owl]

LNF-

 

I've got to say that it sounds to me like you're definitely trying to approach this with your eyes open at least.

 

You're on the money about him being very likely to change his mind in the future. Both he and his wife are going to be on a 'rollercoaster' for the next several months, trying to decide what they want to do from here. One minute she's going to hate him and want a divorce with all of her heart. The next, she's going to be thinking about all of the good years together, all the love they've shared...all that 'history' that their relationship has, and want him back with all of her heart.

 

He's going to be doing the same thing. One moment he's going to be totally focused on his relationship with you...and completely convinced that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, no matter what. And then the next moment he's going to be doing the same as his wife...he's going to regret his choices, he's going to think about all of that history, his kids, etc...and want to reconcile with her. This is one of the main reasons that the WS (wayward spouse) will FIGHT to keep a 'friendship' with whichever person they don't 'end up with'. My wife fought and fought to try to keep OM as "just a friend" once she chose to reconcile with me. But of course I wasn't willing to allow that...because that just sets the stage for things to keep going on and on and on.

 

Realize that NONE of you are going to have a good next several months. I don't have any good advice on how to deal with any of this but what I've already given. Work on getting a support structure in place (family, friends, etc...) that you can fall back on to help you deal with your side of things. Go see your doctor about anti-depressants...because what you're all going to go through is trauma...just as if you were facing the death of a loved one.

 

Any other advice I could give would honestly be biased in favor of his marriage...so I'll withhold that for now at least.

 

Just the final thought for you...regardless of him, regardless of her...you have to take care of YOU. Make sure you eat, take time with other friends and family to help you deal with things...maybe start some kind of physical activity to help wear you out so you can sleep better too.

[lovernotafighter]

LNF-

 

I've got to say that it sounds to me like you're definitely trying to approach this with your eyes open at least.

 

You're on the money about him being very likely to change his mind in the future. Both he and his wife are going to be on a 'rollercoaster' for the next several months, trying to decide what they want to do from here. One minute she's going to hate him and want a divorce with all of her heart. The next, she's going to be thinking about all of the good years together, all the love they've shared...all that 'history' that their relationship has, and want him back with all of her heart.

 

He's going to be doing the same thing. One moment he's going to be totally focused on his relationship with you...and completely convinced that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, no matter what. And then the next moment he's going to be doing the same as his wife...he's going to regret his choices, he's going to think about all of that history, his kids, etc...and want to reconcile with her. This is one of the main reasons that the WS (wayward spouse) will FIGHT to keep a 'friendship' with whichever person they don't 'end up with'. My wife fought and fought to try to keep OM as "just a friend" once she chose to reconcile with me. But of course I wasn't willing to allow that...because that just sets the stage for things to keep going on and on and on.

 

Realize that NONE of you are going to have a good next several months. I don't have any good advice on how to deal with any of this but what I've already given. Work on getting a support structure in place (family, friends, etc...) that you can fall back on to help you deal with your side of things. Go see your doctor about anti-depressants...because what you're all going to go through is trauma...just as if you were facing the death of a loved one.

 

Any other advice I could give would honestly be biased in favor of his marriage...so I'll withhold that for now at least.

 

Just the final thought for you...regardless of him, regardless of her...you have to take care of YOU. Make sure you eat, take time with other friends and family to help you deal with things...maybe start some kind of physical activity to help wear you out so you can sleep better too.

thank you owl for your insight.

 

the one thing I can not do is gain a support structure..we agree no one should ever know about this,no matter what the outcome..no way, all it will do is cause more pain.

 

I have already gotten on anti-depressants,and I'm going the gym, and like you said I keep myself so busy with other things I barely have time to dwell on anything and thats good.even while I post here I'm working on other things at the same time.

 

I am some what still dwelling though,like I meantioned it's lurking in my mind somewhere at all times,so now I'm thinking of getting a second job as well..at least it will help me earn more and think less.

 

it is just like facing a death of a loved one..your so right...because I know when all is over someone or everyone will out of the picture and it will be very painful.

 

I do hope everything is getting better for you and your wife owl and thank you for keeping a open mind and being fair..after what you have been through it would have been easier to rack me over the coals. you must be a very kind person.I needed to hear what you had to say.

[Walking away]

My thoughts and prayers are with you also. You are going to be even better than okay. You are going to be victorious in your life. Believe it.

[Owl]

LNF-

 

There's no reason to rake you over the coals. You've never done anything to harm me personally, and honestly the pain of the situation that you're in is worse than any kind of cyber-butt chewing I could give you.

 

Something to be aware of. Of course the both of you don't want anyone to ever find out about this. Let me be frank...it's not exactly the kind of information that either of you want to have shared over Thanksgiving dinner. Even though you feel as though the love you've shared is justified, it's still not 'right', and you know what people would feel/think/say about it.

 

But here's the problem...this kind of thing really is almost impossible to 'keep quiet'. Like you've noted...she's figured it out. How much longer until others do as well? Trust me, it's not going to stay hidden forever. If he does choose to be with you, his family, his friends, they're all going to have to know about you somehow. Now, he could lie to all of them about how your relationship started...but what kind of beginning with them would THAT be for you?

 

Hang in there...in all honesty it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. But, one way or another, things will work out in some fashion.

 

I can't say that I'm a 'kind' person...but I'd like to think that if I can help someone deal with the same kind of situation I've been through, maybe what I went through will be somehow 'worth it' in some way.

[lovernotafighter]

My thoughts and prayers are with you also. You are going to be even better than okay. You are going to be victorious in your life. Believe it.

 

I do believe it..you to WA. we are tough women. I hope I will look back on this experience as a rung on the latter to spiritual wellness...every painful experience presents a new opportunity for inner growth....I know things are hard now but I know in the end I'll be a better person and maybe be able to help someone with my story as everyone here has helped me.

 

LNF-

There's no reason to rake you over the coals. You've never done anything to harm me personally, and honestly the pain of the situation that you're in is worse than any kind of cyber-butt chewing I could give you.

Something to be aware of. Of course the both of you don't want anyone to ever find out about this. Let me be frank...it's not exactly the kind of information that either of you want to have shared over Thanksgiving dinner. Even though you feel as though the love you've shared is justified, it's still not 'right', and you know what people would feel/think/say about it.

But here's the problem...this kind of thing really is almost impossible to 'keep quiet'. Like you've noted...she's figured it out. How much longer until others do as well? Trust me, it's not going to stay hidden forever. If he does choose to be with you, his family, his friends, they're all going to have to know about you somehow. Now, he could lie to all of them about how your relationship started...but what kind of beginning with them would THAT be for you?

Hang in there...in all honesty it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. But, one way or another, things will work out in some fashion.

I can't say that I'm a 'kind' person...but I'd like to think that if I can help someone deal with the same kind of situation I've been through, maybe what I went through will be somehow 'worth it' in some way.

 

owl thank you, a cyber butt chewing would be expected though. this hellish situation is my doing..it's a weird thing when you find yourself in something like this because you made foolish choices..especially when you know your smart enough and strong enough to walk away...I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that Id do this to my self...yet I have. it's mind numbing.

 

no it's not something we would like discussed over family dinner but more importantly we don't want to hurt anyone. if we are getting divorced or not our spouses never need to know..it will only hurt them.

 

sadly after my letter to him about repairing his marriage and that we should do NC to save it..I brought up the fact she knew and these things are our fault,and he knows I'm right.

 

well he changed somethings he said of coarse. he says he used December not her,he says she knows he's been unhappy for a very long time and it's not because of us. he said he has no intention of saving his marriage or trying to fix anything except the home to sell.

 

he also said his mind is set and he won't return..he asked if I want NC and then told me he was sick to his stomach and was worried about me.

 

when he started throwing this at me before (to address what what you mentioned about keeping me hidden) he apparently thought about that to...he tossed that out there and said he'll stay with his mother for about 6months before coming to be with me...believe me he was talking so fast that I couldn't get a word in edge wise...he mapped out everything.

 

believe me he has brought this up in passing but like I said before I thought I was proved correct when I told him he could join me if he wishes and he basically told me every reason why he couldn't.

 

so this stuff now has stunned me..still does..since the day he came to me and said he's changed his mind,he has not said anything to me that is contrary to this,even though I have given him more reasons not to and more things to consider.

 

I do know if he isn't being sincere that he's truly playing horrible game with me,because I only gave him a invitation and nothing else..no expectations or demands of any sort..(like I've said I've been telling him to do the opposite) all this talk is completely unnecessary on his part if he has no intentioned on acting on it.

[Owl]

Well LNF, people don't like to hear it, but these stories DO almost always run the exact same kind of path. It's rare when you do hear something unusual.

 

Here's my suggestion for you.

 

Don't take what 'crumbs' he's got to spare for you. There is a huge factor here that you've alluded to in your posts, but I think you tend to forget when you're with him.

 

YOU'VE GOT THE SAME POWER OF CHOICE IN WHAT HAPPENS NEXT AS HE DOES

 

 

Read that again.

 

You see, he's dictating to you what your future with him will be like. For that matter, he's trying to do the same thing for his wife as well. Again, hallmark trait of a WS.

 

But that doesn't mean that you have to sit and take it. Personally, I think that instead of waiting to see what he says and does from now on, you'd be better off if YOU started taking true actions here. Tell him that you love him, and that you'd love to be with him. So, six months after he divorces his wife and does that time living with his family, he should feel totally free to contact you and see if you're still available. But not to waste your life in the meantime. Tell him that you're not willing to be put on hold for the next year while he divorces and all of this...that you're going to live your own life until then, and THEN you two can see what kind of chance you've got together.

 

Then change your email address, phone number, etc... Make it hard/impossible for him to contact you. As a matter of fact...when he DOES try to contact you, I'd say pass that contact on to his wife and let HER deal with him. Get him out of your hair for now.

 

Either he WILL do what he says, and the two of you can move forward in a relationship of EQUALS....or he won't, and honestly you'll be a LOT happier living your OWN life and not living it on his terms.

 

In truth, this will also force him to start dealing honestly with his wife as well. And bluntly, she deserves the same thing...and the same set of choices that you should get as well. Why should HE get to make all of these decisions for both of you?!?!

 

Put a boot to his behind until he's ready to act like the man you deserve and step up to the plate. And if he's not...then find the guy you DO deserve!

[Walking away]

I agree completely, Owl.

 

It is time for us women to stand up for our own lives and make decisions for OURSELVES. It is time to put the control in our corner. And, I have done it. And, it feels good....I'm at peace.

 

No more will I settle for an "affair" no matter how magical it was.

 

LNF -

 

If he wants you, he will come find you...when he is free and available to do so. Until then, go on with your life....You will find peace like I have.

 

Take care.

[Chump64]

O/T: Walking Away, how are you doing? I was looking around for you and saw you here. I hope things are going ok. Stay strong!

[lovernotafighter]

I do have the power of choice..he is just making me nuts.

I have to talk to him in person.

 

I have so much on plate with everything else as well that this is to much to handle.

 

I did tell him that I have no intention on waiting for him and I believe this is where this is all steming from. see I told him what me and H are planning and believed I'd be out with in 6 months.

 

we are getting our house ready for market and going to pay off as many joint bills as possible then go our seprate ways...6 months...we could do NC and like you said once we see where our lives are at and we are both single maybe we can make a go it...I do wish to be his friend but that seems impossible though:(