the_alchemyst Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 I was reading one of KM's threads a while ago, and I smiled at the way she expressed herself, not because it was necessarily "happy" but because I felt a little less alone in enduring this situation. Anyway, I don't know if this happens to you guys but every.single.morning. that I wake up, my exbf is the very thing on my mind. At least this time I'm not dreaming of him like I (constantly) was last time. Yet even though there are no dreams, he is the very first thing on my mind waking up, thus making the mornings significantly difficult to handle. I miss him so much. As KM said, it's not the relationship itself that I miss, but rather just him. It just feels like a part of me is missing and the void its absence is making burns deeply. I have been trying very hard to not visit his webpage. I feel really tempted to because I guess I just want to know what he's doing, but then I think: "Oh, come on. Do you really think he's going to post anything negative on there, knowing perfectly well that you can see? Of course not. He's just going to post about the wonderful times he's having, while making reference to all these other girl, and none to you. Why the hell do you want to see that?" This has kept me at bay. This week I have felt so exhausted. My back has really been hurting--and this is key because whenever my back hurt, he would give me a massage. Siiigh. I know I can get them elsewhere, and that they will probably be "better," but while they may make my body feel better, it won't make my heart feel better. Lately I have really been missing him. I just want to hug him. That's all. I just miss the essence that is his. I don't know if this makes sense. Maybe I should just go to the beach and silently cry to the waves while I write his name in the sand yet again, and wait for it to be washed away. Sigh. Oh, I miss him.
peegee Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 You asked it guys feel the same way! Me and the ex split in jan, and since then every morning i have woke up hoping that she was there next to me when i roll over this then sets the tone of the day as at any point i have a moment where im not busy or a break in what im doing she pops into my head again making it hard for me to get back to what i was doing there for making it hard to get her out of my head. In the evenings i just wish we were sat together on the couch talking and laughing as we allways did instead i sit there wondering what she is doing wondering if she is thinking the same things. As time goes on i think a litte less about her and i know in the end i will have someone new to think about and to put all the love i have into. Im sure you have lots of good friends dont think they will be sick of hearing you be upset or talking about the ex thats what friends are there for. As a guy it feels strange to be upset all the time for a girl but makes me relaise im not like a lot of the idiot calous men that are out there this makes me feel tonnes better knowing that someday i will meet someone that will think im a good guy and a good catch and never let go. keep strong like evryone on here says it will get better this place is helping me so much i vote caliguy for president or for nobel peace prize. peegee
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 It's been over three months since my ex dumped me, and I still think about him nearly every second of every day. The longing for him is tearing me apart and I can't get it to stop. I can't stop missing him. And making it even more hurtful is knowing that he's probably not thinking about me at all.
Guest Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 You guys need to do The List. Which is a list of ALL the unpleasant qualities, words, and actions that you encountered when you were together. NO good things; only the bad. Then your job is to read that list several times per day, including before you go to bed and when you wake up. Time always erases the bad memories; it's how people cope. Unfortunately, in the case of being dumped, it would be more helpful if the memories stayed to remind you why you are better off without the dumper. So you have to do the job for yourself.
KittenMoon Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 Oh, alchemyst, your post got me crying cause I just got out of bed after over and hour of trying to fall back asleep but only being able to think about him. I used to stay at his place Sat nights. It's Sunday morning- I wonder if he will think about me andm iss having me beside him when he wakes up... but I doubt it. His ability to put things out of his head is more than amazing. And the back rubs! I loved having my back rubbed or massages all the time- he hated doing it a lot of the time cause I ALWAYS wanted it. I miss it so much. It calmed me like nothing else. He gave lousy massages, but I still miss them too! I keep asking- what happened to that person I knew? I miss the connection we shared- I truly believe in a actual connection because I think about the morning I woke up with him and it just wasn't there. It was gone completely. I might as well have woken up with a stranger. Can't help but wonder when, IF he thinks of me. I think about who he used to be and wonder where he went. And I can't help wonder if it's not just me, but the whole world, who lost someone special.
In Sync Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 Ok. the_alchemyst and KittenMoon, I'm going to be the voice of reason to get you out of the slump you are bringing to yourself..Since I've been there I can offer you some of my own insight and maybe put a different perspective to ease you out of feeling sad... At this stage of recovery you are replaying the images of your ex's over and over in your head. Therefore when you awake BOOM, you got the movie going, and the cycle begins. You in turn are now getting hooked on feeling sad and hurt all over. Every morn. By replaying the ex, the relationship you are putting them on a pedesstal and naturally you miss them even more, you want what is out of reach. Are you following me? ...you in effect are recreating your emotional state that's going to rule the start of your day. Usually whatever you wake up thinking the first thought will set the course for your day. Which is why in this period of healing and recovering it is essential to find new interests (not implying new bf/gfs yet) but smething that you can feel enthusiastic about. Sometimes its a persons career, but it may be something completely COMPLETELY NEW in terms of a hobby or a trip, or activity with friends that you look forward to immersing yourself in. Everyday it is your personal quest to overcome letting your idle thoughts go back to the ex. This takes enormous will power. By no means am I suggesting your memory bank will be wiped clean of your ex, I'm not talking about becoming a zombie, but you care in control of your random thoughts and focus...and if you allow them each morning to go back to the ex...well all you have to do is see the results you are getting now...tears and crying and missing them. Each new mornning is a gift.
KittenMoon Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 All that makes perfect sense, but well, the mind doesn't make so much sense. There's only so much one can immerse themselves in everyday, only so many new hobbies, only so many friends, etc. I know he'll be on my mind everyday for a long, long time, no matter how I try to put him away. It's sad thing, but it's the truth. And I'm not even putting him on a pedestal- I miss him, but he hasn't been that person I miss for quite a awhile. It helps to remember him as he is now, not the person he was, but it also hurts to know the person he is know wants nothing to do with me at all, doesn't love me, and probably barely thinks of me. Again, that's just the reality. I'm forgetting him as best I can.
Apathetic Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 Oh my..You ARE NOT alone!!...KittenMoon:You mention that you miss him giving you backrubs..I know how you feel,even though it may sound silly but I miss my EX kissing me on my forehead..I just loved when he would kiss me on my forehead out of the blue:( All these posts sound as if I had written them..Ive mentioned it before but my EX is the FIRST & LAST thing on my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY!..Wake up to him & go to bed to him..I am trying so hard to start NC but ive failed many attempts.In fact just last night I talked to him..I know we will never work out but sadly I am still trying to hold on to him as much as I can,even as a friend.Pathetic!!
Guest Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 All that makes perfect sense, but well, the mind doesn't make so much sense. There's only so much one can immerse themselves in everyday, only so many new hobbies, only so many friends, etc. I know he'll be on my mind everyday for a long, long time, no matter how I try to put him away. It's sad thing, but it's the truth. And I'm not even putting him on a pedestal- I miss him, but he hasn't been that person I miss for quite a awhile. It helps to remember him as he is now, not the person he was, but it also hurts to know the person he is know wants nothing to do with me at all, doesn't love me, and probably barely thinks of me. Again, that's just the reality. I'm forgetting him as best I can. I thought as you did, but sometimes this can be called resistance. Of course we miss them, but at the end of the day, only you can make the effort to resolve or decide how you want to cope. In all sincerity, to think of our ex's as they are now (I'm in the same boat, so I'm not judging you..just offering my thoughts) really doesn't go but so far. Someone a sympathetic friend reminded me, if I think of him and I keep doing so, since we already know he doesn't want anything to do with me, is only making me feel sad or bad. That little tip stopped me in my tracks because it does hurt like hell that he went on but my reminding myself of that won't change a thing except to make me miss him....doing things to just keep busy is not helpful but finding that particular thing that you enjoy to do helps veer your mind in another direction. I decided that its more important for me to overcome the feeling of missing him by accepting it as part of life...
In Sync Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 All that makes perfect sense, but well, the mind doesn't make so much sense. There's only so much one can immerse themselves in everyday, only so many new hobbies, only so many friends, etc. I know he'll be on my mind everyday for a long, long time, no matter how I try to put him away. It's sad thing, but it's the truth. And I'm not even putting him on a pedestal- I miss him, but he hasn't been that person I miss for quite a awhile. It helps to remember him as he is now, not the person he was, but it also hurts to know the person he is know wants nothing to do with me at all, doesn't love me, and probably barely thinks of me. Again, that's just the reality. I'm forgetting him as best I can. I thought exactly as you did, but for myself I later saw this was resistance to change my pattern of thinking..Of course we miss them, but at the end of the day, only we can make the effort to resolve or decide how we want to cope. In all sincerity, to think of our ex's as they are now (I'm in the same boat, so I'm not judging you..) really doesn't go but so far. A sympathetic friend gently reminded me, if I think of him and I keep doing so, since we already know he doesn't want anything to do with me, it is only making me feel sad or bad. That little tip stopped me in my tracks because it does hurt like hell that he went on w/o me but my reminding myself of that won't change a thing except to keep me in the place of missing him.... keeping busy is not helpful if you are running around like a hampster in a cage but finding that particular thing that you enjoy and take pleasure in helps veer your mind in another direction. Its those efforts to move forward that are the hardest but worthwhile, I'm now at a point of actually seeing that it was a challenge maybe needed to face because I know I can overcome obstacles.
Author the_alchemyst Posted March 26, 2006 Author Posted March 26, 2006 His ability to put things out of his head is more than amazing. . . . He gave lousy massages, but I still miss them too! . . . I keep asking- what happened to that person I knew? . . . Can't help but wonder when, IF he thinks of me. Oh, Kitten, these are my very thoughts. I too am utterly amazed by my exbf's ability to just "block" and reject the thoughts he doesn't want to think about. At the same time, thinking that he can so easily block me makes me wonder how much he really cared for me. Thinking that the person you love most in this world doesn't even think about you really hurts. I remember when we first met--oh, how I loved that man! I remember when we would come to my house in the middle of night and make me sneak out, and how we would just go out for walks. I have some chats from Yahoo saved on my memory stick; they are about two years old. In the he tells me how lucky he was to have me, how much he loved me, how much he needed me, how he wanted to marry me someday, and how much he longed for me never to leave him. This is the connection we had. And now? Now he even removed me from his Yahoo list. I'm not going to lie--I have been going out here and there with some friends. I have vented my feelings to them a bit. I have gone out, acted silly, laughed hysterically, and made jokes. I laugh, joke, and kid, yet I am not happy. I feel like a clown masquerading around with a huge smile on my face. But then . . . the mask comes off and I know that behind there is not a smile, but tears. Every night I come to the same emptyness. Every morning I wake up to the same void. I understand perfectly well I "shouldn't" do this, but I can't help it. It's not like I tell myself "All right, make sure you wake up with thoughts of him in the morning, brain" or something! It just happens. Sure this prompts me to get out of bed ASAP, but it's only a temporary memory. I'm scared of my bed. And all I truly want to know is: Does he miss me? Just the last Monday before we broke up we celebrated our 2 year and 1 month anniversary. I bought him a card, a towel with a little duck on it because I used to playfully call him "ducky," and a turtle soap holder with a little bee ontop because he used to say he was like a turtle and that he was also the queen bee (plus, he needed these things). He was so shocked and amazed when I gave him these. He even cried, saying I was so thoughtful and wonderful that is was nearly unbelievable. And then this last Monday I believe he went out on a date. I don't understand this at all. I know this analyzing is harmful, but it's the way I am. I need to be able to understand. If I don't, my mind won't let go. Plus, I can't make myself believe I don't feel anything or that I don't miss him. I would only be lying to myself. Maybe this is my way of dealing with things: I want to face it no matter how hurtful it is. What good will it do me to evade my feelings? Lately I've found myself writing down a lot of "sad" things. Just lines of verse that make me cry. Maybe I just want to let it out. Besides, when I get like this I'm at home alone. I just want to deal with my sadness; I don't want to go around it. PS. I miss him. I want to run over there and tell him this. I want it all to be good again. Is this so wrong?
KittenMoon Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Alchemyst- Just get it all out. Write it down, cry about it, that's the only thing that's helped me so far. (Besides crying to my mom most nights) Except I've been feeling so much better these past few days. Vented to my mom about his anger problem, and I'm beginning to realize I COULDN'T be with a person who got so angry for no reason, couldn't argue maturely, couldn't express his feelings, and just shut everything off. A person who never worked hard at ANY of his interpersonal relationships- friends, romantic, etc. I feel your pain. My ex wrote me amazing things in the first few years we were together- things I can't imagine from the closed off person he is now. Just last August he said he wanted to marry me. But, I mean, I'm an extremely expressive person, but it feels like he was hearing nothing I said. He used to be different. But something's changed. I've been reading about the Quarter-Century Crisis- the mid-20s equivalent to the mid-life crisis. The stuff I have been reading decribes my ex to a "T". Such as the loss of identity, dramatic personality changes, and issues with their career. It makes me so sad that our relationship was a victim to this. Not entirely of course, but it played a big part. Anyways, we broke up a couple days before Valentine's. The day before the break I bought his gift- three antique books, serial novels of "The Saint" (liek the Val Kilmer movie) which is a move my ex LOVES. I was so excited and thought he'd love them. Well, we broke up, but I gave him the gift anyways because I didn't want it around. I asked him if he had opened it a week later when I went to pick up my stuff. He said "he couldn't" (crying). I told him to let me know if he liked it if he ever did. >sigh< This is all a big mess right? I stil miss him, but I feel better bit by bit. There's still a big void, but it's like when you did a hole in the sand- sooner or later the walls collapse and it fills in. I like that you called him "ducky". I called my ex "monkey".
Apathetic Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Oh, Kitten, these are my very thoughts. I too am utterly amazed by my exbf's ability to just "block" and reject the thoughts he doesn't want to think about. At the same time, thinking that he can so easily block me makes me wonder how much he really cared for me. Thinking that the person you love most in this world doesn't even think about you really hurts. I have some chats from Yahoo saved on my memory stick; they are about two years old. In the he tells me how lucky he was to have me, how much he loved me, how much he needed me, how he wanted to marry me someday, and how much he longed for me never to leave him. This is the connection we had. And now? Now he even removed me from his Yahoo list. I laugh, joke, and kid, yet I am not happy. I feel like a clown masquerading around with a huge smile on my face. But then . . . the mask comes off and I know that behind there is not a smile, but tears. Every night I come to the same emptyness. Every morning I wake up to the same void. I understand perfectly well I "shouldn't" do this, but I can't help it. It's not like I tell myself "All right, make sure you wake up with thoughts of him in the morning, brain" or something! It just happens. Sure this prompts me to get out of bed ASAP, but it's only a temporary memory. And all I truly want to know is: Does he miss me? I don't understand this at all. I know this analyzing is harmful, but it's the way I am. I need to be able to understand. If I don't, my mind won't let go. Plus, I can't make myself believe I don't feel anything or that I don't miss him. I would only be lying to myself. Maybe this is my way of dealing with things: I want to face it no matter how hurtful it is. What good will it do me to evade my feelings? PS. I miss him. I want to run over there and tell him this. I want it all to be good again. Is this so wrong? I can relate..Im amazed that my EX can act as if nothing happened!..Here I am emailing him telling him how I feel & that he has hurt me & he has only but a few things to say.And like you,we had such a connection at first,talked about marriage,kids etc & then boomm,NOTHING! I too walk around w/ a mask because if I really showed I felt,it would be miserable. Im torturing myself by thinking about him but like you said,its not like we tell ourselves to do it! It cannot be helped right now,at least for me..I talked to him today & yet I miss him as if I havent seen or talked to him in 10 yrs.I wonder if he misses me & I want to tell him everything about how I feel but its pointless:(
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Here I am emailing him telling him how I feel & that he has hurt me & he has only but a few things to say. At least he has something to say. When I sent my ex emails telling him how I missed him and how devastated i felt, he told me never to contact him again or he would file harassment charges. That's the only thing he has said to me in the three months since he dumped me on the phone.
KittenMoon Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Wow, Jen, that's COLD! I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who's telling their ex everythign they feel and not getting ANYTHING in return. I apologized to my ex for a lot fo things too, just becasue I didn't want them on my concience, but did I get ANY apology for the lousy way he treated me the last few months of our relationship? All the times he screamed at me like a child? NOOOOOO!!! I'm beginning to wonder wtf is wrong with some guys.
Apathetic Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Oh wow Jen im sorry to hear that..But its not like I have it any better just because he has something to say..It was either something along the lines of "were never getting back together" or "were better as friends"..So in a way,I wish he ignored me b/c that would be a little better than to hear that.
Author the_alchemyst Posted March 27, 2006 Author Posted March 27, 2006 Us four should make a club. Sigh. I haven't contacted my exbf since the Thursday night we broke up, mainly because I'm just scared. When we broke up he said that there would be "no more chances," and told me to "not call him." Naturally, I said, "Fine. If that's what you want. I'll just disappear, then, and you won't even know I'm alive, because this is what you want, too, right?" To this I got a shake of the head and a "no." Now that I think about it, I do vaguely remember saying something like, "One day, after you are more calm, I'll come back and look for you, okay?" and he just nodded his head "yes" while some tears rolled down his little cheek . . . . WTF?! But I can't call him. He's just going to act like an a55hole over the phone, ignoring me, and telling me about his "adventures" and how much fun he's having. No, thanks. I have been thinking about emailing him, though. I don't think I want to express what I feel, though, because I feel this will only frustruate him more. I've been thinking that maybe I can just email him telling him "hi" and that, in a nutshell, I'll be around if he wants to hang out or something. Of course I'll squeeze in "I hope things are getting better at work and that you're not struggling so much with money issues anymore" since I know this has been bothering him; I guess that'll let him know that I still remember. Okay, I just want to make him cry. This will be the first contact since the break-up. I'm not expecting a reply at all, though, since I know he is like that. I think I'm going to wait a little more, though, since I know that there is going to be an eclipse this Wednesday, and it may cause the situation to worsen. I'll wait until it passes. What? Why are you looking at me like that?! Jen: I'm so sorry to hear what your exbf said to you! That is absolutely horrible. I don't think I would be able to handle something as cold and harsh as that. Apathetic: I'm envious that your exbf still talks to you. At the same time, I'm too chicken for that, as hearing him talk about other girls would be too unbearable for me. (Then again, I just sit here and imagine all of these wretched scenarios of him and other girls, so . . . eh.) Kitten: Thanks. I have to say I really enjoy reading your posts. Reading your descriptions of your exbf and how he changed makes me wonder if he's my exbf's twin.
KittenMoon Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Alchemyst- don't email your ex!!!!!!! Not yet. Wait. Wait. Wait. Back off. Be calm. You're not thinking rationally- my friend told me this and it turned out to be true. Just give yourself some more time. My ex sounded much liek yours during the break-up. Upset. I took this as hope for us. I contacted him, talked, and he made it VERY clear he was not coming back and that any chance we had wouldn't be for a LONG time. f*** him and his cold as hell attitude. Yeah, we should set up our exes and they can revel in their apathy and stupid maleness. My ex basically ditched the best thing he had going for him. (points to self) Just keep posting whenever you feel like talking to him. Or better yet, write down what you want to say to him, doesn't matter how short or long or weird or whatever, just write it down. Be strong. Stronger than him because of your depth of emotion.
Author the_alchemyst Posted March 27, 2006 Author Posted March 27, 2006 Thanks, Kitten. Yeah, maybe you're right. As I said before, I don't want to email him with anything pertaining to the actual relationship (much less the break-up), but I would like to let him know that I am reachable? Why? Because I hope that we will get back together (yeah, I know . . .), and I feel that if I just shut everything off, he's going to think I'm mad at him or that I don't want to talk to him or something, thus rendering a chance of reconciliation to nothing. I guess an email is my way of leaving the door open. But you are right--not right now. I have a feeling that if I do so right now, it will do more harm than good. Maybe in another week or so. Thanks, Kitten. PS: I just tried to play my violin again and I suck. I'm not feeling it. Shoot, I'm not feeling anything besides this emptyness. Sigh.
beriwhit123 Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 I like what you wrote, I am also trying to get over a ex. But he is still very much in my life. He only took his clothes and left everything else here. I get his mail, I have if pets, I have his stuff left to him from his parents, and I even have his $3000 gift cerificate for travel made out to both of us. He comes once or twice a week to my house. We talk, we both cry and then he goes back to her. Am I nuts or what?
Apathetic Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Ahhh We should make a club!! And no,please dont envious that my EX & I still talk..I would rather not talk to him than to hear some of the stuff he has said to me recently:mad:
RecordProducer Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 You'll get over and feel better. You'll meet your prince sooner or later and you'll be happy that this guy dumped you! By the way, he can probably see that you've logged into his website, it records your IP address. Just FYI.
CaliGuy Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Thanks, Kitten. Yeah, maybe you're right. As I said before, I don't want to email him with anything pertaining to the actual relationship (much less the break-up), but I would like to let him know that I am reachable? Why? Because I hope that we will get back together (yeah, I know . . .), and I feel that if I just shut everything off, he's going to think I'm mad at him or that I don't want to talk to him or something, thus rendering a chance of reconciliation to nothing. I guess an email is my way of leaving the door open. But you are right--not right now. I have a feeling that if I do so right now, it will do more harm than good. Maybe in another week or so. Thanks, Kitten. PS: I just tried to play my violin again and I suck. I'm not feeling it. Shoot, I'm not feeling anything besides this emptyness. Sigh. Please read my thread on second chances. You will never get a second chance if you haven't let go and gotten over him. Ask anyone here. Ex's seem to know just when you've gotten over them and will make contact with you. By that time you (hopefully) will be far and away over him.
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