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Does part of you wish your MM would work out his marriage and live happily?

KnowHowLoveFeels

By KnowHowLoveFeels
in The Other Man / Woman

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KnowHowLoveFeels Established Member

KnowHowLoveFeels

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Hi!

 

I am married and in love with another MM. I love him so much and I know that he loves me too. Yet, I often wish that he'd be able to work out his marriage and that his wife would be kind and loving to him again. I just wish that he'd be happy with his W.

 

Am I alone in feeling this way? :confused: It sounds so weird, even to myself. Then I question myself whether this is because I am not over my MM yet, that I'd have another fling with him as soon as I see him again. I don't want to have another fling with my MM. Please help me understand this.

Walking away Established Member

Walking away

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You love him. And you want his happiness to come first. That, I believe is the meaning of love. Wanting the other person's happiness over your own. You are not off base. You love him and want what is best for him. And, you show that you want the best for the person that you love. No confusion here, as far as I am concerned. I understand completely.

 

Hugs....

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KnowHowLoveFeels Established Member

KnowHowLoveFeels

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Thanks WA!

 

The thing that frightens me is that I'd fall into his arms again as soon as I see him... and I don't want to do that!! I know that we have no future together and I don't want to get deeper into this than it already had. Whenever I got wind from my H that he is having a fight with his W, I'd feel bad for him. I would pray hard that they'd be able to work things out.... I don't know, sometimes, I am so confused with my feelings that I am not even sure what it is that I want! :(

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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Yet, I often wish that he'd be able to work out his marriage and that his wife would be kind and loving to him again. I just wish that he'd be happy with his W.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but that would never really happen, him fully put 100% into his marriage to try to be happy as long as he has an OW in his life. Why should he fix things as right now he is having his cake and eating it too? He is happy NOW. Maybe not happy 24/7, but enough that he doesn't feel the need to change things.

 

It is nice that you want to see him happy, have his wife and him happy together...But the reality is, as long as you are in the picture, (sorry to sound abit harsh) he isn't fully giving to her as much as he should be. His focus is divided and his time is being shared between two women.

 

And one more thing...

 

You may be saying the words, but your actions say something else. If you really and truely wanted to see him happy at home with his wife, EVERY time he came to you after a fight with her, you'd encourage him to GO home and make things right again with her. You wouldn't open your door and welcome him, fall into his arms...

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KnowHowLoveFeels Established Member

KnowHowLoveFeels

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I'm sorry to say this, but that would never really happen, him fully put 100% into his marriage to try to be happy as long as he has an OW in his life. Why should he fix things as right now he is having his cake and eating it too? He is happy NOW. Maybe not happy 24/7, but enough that he doesn't feel the need to change things.

 

It is nice that you want to see him happy, have his wife and him happy together...But the reality is, as long as you are in the picture, (sorry to sound abit harsh) he isn't fully giving to her as much as he should be. His focus is divided and his time is being shared between two women.

 

We are not seeing each other, and haven't had any contact for the last 4 months. They live very far away and sometimes, he will visit us without his wife. We see each other 3-4 times/year due to his relationship with my H.

 

Both of us feel that the affair had to stop. I want him to be happy in his marriage, and I hope that he's working on it as he said he would. It's just that they fight a lot, and I get distressed whenever I know that they are fighting. One time, my husband told me that they were fighting (and that his W moved out... again) and that he wasn't supposed to tell me this because my MM told him to not tell me. Now, understand that we had only a brief fling. ONE time, that was it. He never told me anything bad about his wife, or that they fight. I only find out from my husband. Why he told my husband to not tell me about their fights is beyond me... it is almost like he has ESP and knows that I'd be distressed.

 

It is strange, but I feel that he is also rooting for my marriage to work out.:o

 

I don't want to start anything with my MM again because he is very hard to get over!!:(

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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So your husband and his wife never found out about the affair? If so, I can see why this is hard to keep the 'friendship' looking normal.

 

Yes, don't ever let affair start up again - Not because he will be hard to get over, because SO many people will be hurt from it.

 

It's too bad this man will more than likely be a small part of your life forever, due to the fact your H and him are friends. Would be easier for you if you never had to see or hear from him again.

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KnowHowLoveFeels Established Member

KnowHowLoveFeels

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I wished I'd never see him again!! I am worried that I'd be weak and let it happen again. :(

 

If he divorces his W, then I'd feel that I have to choose him. And I don't want to be in that kind of situation where my kids would be used as pawns by my vicious husband. (Yes, my husband can be heartless, even to his own kids.)

 

Then there are days when I wonder if I am crazy to want him to live with that woman - who can be so nasty to him. :(

 

I know, I'm going in circles. Any insight would be appreciated.

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KnowHowLoveFeels Established Member

KnowHowLoveFeels

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Tell me that I am crazy. I can't get him out of my head, but I want to. I want him to stay in his marriage, but I still love him.

 

Does this make any sense to any one?? (It doesn't make any sense to me!!)

Walking away Established Member

Walking away

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Yes. It is a tortured love. You want him to do the right thing, but you still want him. I think it is part of the whole guilt thing of the affair.

Blind Illusion Established Member

Blind Illusion

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Because you do care for him and don't want him to be sad. It's okay that you have mixed feelings about this. too. Life is like that sometimes.

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KnowHowLoveFeels Established Member

KnowHowLoveFeels

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Thanks every one who responded.

joodee Established Member

joodee

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I

am married and in love with another MM. I love him so much and I know that he loves me too. Yet, I often wish that he'd be able to work out his marriage and that his wife would be kind and loving to him again. I just wish that he'd be happy with his W.

 

Am I alone in feeling this way? It sounds so weird, even to myself. Then I question myself whether this is because I am not over my MM yet, that I'd have another fling with him as soon as I see him again. I don't want to have another fling with my MM. Please help me understand this.

 

I understand your feeling all too well. I too would like nothing more than to see and hear that my ex-MM worked it out with his wife, cause, based on what I know, she stills loves him very much, and I really don't want to be someone that drives a wedge between a married couple, cause really, it's just not right, and no good can come out of staying in a halfway relationship with someone constantly on the shelf, dividing time and affections between you and someone else.

 

And yes, I know all this in my head, but my heart still struggles, just like yours probably is. But let me tell you, I have to remind myself every day that he's married, and I have to evey day tell myself NC. If for some reason his W ever contacted me for whatever reason, I feel the fear of God so fast!! I would be so apologetic to her, I really would. FYI my ex-MM and his W haven't lived together for over seven years, so it really is hard to me to get it through my head that there's someone else who loves him.

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KnowHowLoveFeels Established Member

KnowHowLoveFeels

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joodee,

 

Thanks for sharing your story. Your MM hasn't been living with his wife for 7 years?? That must have been very hard for you knowing that! I feel agitated and sad for my MM whenever he has a fight with his wife. It is always over money (her spending too much). The wife can be a bit self-centered, and what makes me sick to the stomach is thinking that she doesn't love him, which she has proclaimed several times. But divorce is not an option for them or for my husband and I. It's a cultural thing (but a lot of money is at stake as well). So I understand that there is no future between us. :(

 

I like what WA said: "It's a tortured love". And like you, I will remind myself everyday that he is married. Even if he's divorced, I still can't have a relationship with him! :(

 

Sometimes, I am so angry at how my life has made this turn. If ONLY he doesn't like me, if he loves his wife, if his wife loves him, if my Husband pays attention to my needs, if he and my H weren't such good friends, if we didn't have kids... then I wouldn't be here on LS... talking about it! ;)

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