Vertex Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 We just had the following convo. My girlfriend and I broke up last week when she claimed she wanted space (I posted other threads about this). I have never gone out of my way to contact her but she has contacted me a few times usually to say she misses me, leading into a discussion of our issues. Today she went to hang out with an ex-boyfriend while they were both on Spring Break. This was the most recent conversation and I don't know what to make of it: Exgirlfriend: hey Me: hey Exgirlfriend: what's up? Me: nm Exgirlfriend: i missed you a lot today Me: really Exgirlfriend: yea Exgirlfriend: and, i'm not sure i want to just jump back in yet, because i don't want to rush anything, and i'm still figuring things out Exgirlfriend: but i think i want to try... Exgirlfriend: i hope i'm not teasing you Me: depends on what you really feel Exgirlfriend: i really want to start over Exgirlfriend: get to know each other again? Exgirlfriend: i mean, i really missed you and i was like...what reasons did i have to break up? Exgirlfriend: and i couldn't remember Exgirlfriend: but i don't know, i feel like it's so unfair to put you through this and you seem to be changing your mind sometimes so idk... Me: when there tends to be a lot of issues that seem confusing Me: sometimes it doesn't help to analyze and fix things Me: but just forget it and start fresh... just how I see it. I don't think we agree on the concept of actively solving specific things. Exgirlfriend: and i thought we could take it slow... Me: what have you been thinking today Exgirlfriend: do you really want to know what i did today Me: sure Exgirlfriend: i hung out with my ex today as you know Exgirlfriend: and we didn't do anything, so you don't have to worry about that Me: i know Me: how'd it go though Exgirlfriend: but, well i think he wanted me Exgirlfriend: but Exgirlfriend: i didn't feel a thing for him Me: well i know he wants you lol Exgirlfriend: and his friends were there Exgirlfriend: and they were cool Exgirlfriend: and nice Me: which friends Exgirlfriend: but i felt nothing for them either Exgirlfriend: college friends Me: ahh Exgirlfriend: and Exgirlfriend: i just can't see myself being attracted to anyone else Exgirlfriend: the hanging out was cool though Exgirlfriend: because we talked Exgirlfriend: he's going through the whole breakup thing Exgirlfriend: and i was giving him advice, and he was like Exgirlfriend: why don't you listen to yourself Me: what were you telling him? Exgirlfriend: i don't think it was really that applicable to me Exgirlfriend: and i was like Exgirlfriend: you know, move on, you have plenty to be thankful for, you'll be fine, everything passes Exgirlfriend: blahbla Exgirlfriend: and he was like, why don't you follow that Exgirlfriend: and i was like Exgirlfriend: because it's different Exgirlfriend: you have to choice but to move on Exgirlfriend: and i have a choice Exgirlfriend: to throw it away and force myself to move on or try Me: but you can argue that his gf can try Me: i mena i dont know their story or anything Exgirlfriend: WHY would i argue that Exgirlfriend: i hate her Me: lol Exgirlfriend: i didn't say anything i'm sure he liked her Exgirlfriend: but damn good riddance Me: lol Exgirlfriend: no but i just go sad Exgirlfriend: like here's this person who wants me and i feel grossed out by it Exgirlfriend: i cried a little... Exgirlfriend: in front of people :-( Exgirlfriend: i'm still sad Me: did anyone help you? Exgirlfriend: i just really don't want to go back Exgirlfriend: oh he was nice Exgirlfriend: but meh Me: back to what? Exgirlfriend: back to what you and i had Exgirlfriend: i don' tknow whatever gave me the feeeling of wanting out Exgirlfriend: i'm afraid of that Me: that wantout feeling? Exgirlfriend: yea Exgirlfriend: i just want to Exgirlfriend: refall in love Exgirlfriend: so, i don't really want to be official yet... Exgirlfriend: if that's ok Exgirlfriend: i just feel like the bf/gf thing is a big mold Exgirlfriend: and it's not like i would do anyone else Me: it's not so much a mold as it is a declaration of a bond Exgirlfriend: well Exgirlfriend: can't we declare a bond without the conventional definition Exgirlfriend: i'm just so fragile right now Exgirlfriend: the declaration of a bond thing sounds so possessive Me: i'm fragile myself Me: i'm just trying to keep my mind occupied Exgirlfriend: so, what? you need the declaration? Me: i have mixed feelings about the declaration Me: i do agree with you Exgirlfriend: then can't we just nurture this for now Me: but there's another side to it Exgirlfriend: what? Me: the whole "if there was a true bond they wouldn't mind the title -- a refusal of a title would indicate some other problem" Exgirlfriend: well maybe there are other problems Exgirlfriend: i'm not sure of that yet Exgirlfriend: well if yo'ure going to push me Exgirlfriend: you're only going to push me away Me: i wasn't pushing at all Me: i just explained how that issue tends to be viewed from what I've seen Exgirlfriend: i know Exgirlfriend: i'm just saying Exgirlfriend: i'm scared of commitment right now Me: i am just a little confused by what you're telling me Exgirlfriend: i'm sorry Exgirlfriend: i'm still confused too Me: you say you can't see yourself attracted to anyone else and yet fear commitment? Exgirlfriend: i'll get back to you Exgirlfriend: i guess i need to think about it more Me: lol no i am asking you Exgirlfriend: no i mean, id o think i have to think more Me: i think what you are afraid of is committing to something that you fear might go back to how it was Exgirlfriend: i don't want to give you any promises out of a temporary feeling Exgirlfriend: i want to make sure i really feel a certain way Exgirlfriend: before i act Me: that's fine Exgirlfriend: well yes, we are the same two people, its not that far stretched to see us going back to what we were Exgirlfriend: so, yea i need to think more Exgirlfriend: sorry Me: if you already anticipate failure then maybe you should find another Exgirlfriend: i don't know if it's anticipation or just fear Me: both Me: you already expect it to fail Me: idk it's just how i view things. i can either say, im afraid of it failing, or think, how can i make it work Me: higher chance of success with the latter Exgirlfriend: maybe you're right Exgirlfriend: gahh i don't know how i feel Exgirlfriend: i'm still down about all these other school things and whatnot and gah i'm so confused Exgirlfriend: but you said htat i expect us to fail if we tried again Exgirlfriend: what if i do? Me: do you? Exgirlfriend: i don't knowww Me: what do you honestly believe Exgirlfriend: i believe we need some external stimulus Me: no Me: if you expect it to fail then already you're introducing a weak link Me: so, what do you expect Exgirlfriend: i'm not sure what was wrong Exgirlfriend: so i can't say what i expect, because i don't knwo what i would change Me: well, i know what i'd change for myself Me: but i can't do it alone Exgirlfriend: what would you change Exgirlfriend: sigh i still have os much to figure out Me: i see myself being less demanding, no random questioning/more trusting, understanding, no random bad moods or mistreating or hiding things Exgirlfriend: how positive are you that you can accomplish all that though Me: they were conscious actions Exgirlfriend: i think i just have a big mindset problem right now Me: like when i did those things Me: i knew they were wrong Exgirlfriend: and i feel so negative about EVERYTHING Me: but i did them anyway because curiosity got the better of me Me: even though i knew it was stupid Exgirlfriend: well you were just insecure because i wasn't giving enough *etc etc etc*
MadDog Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 I read through all of that and I think you two overanalyze things too much. Sure you need to work through some issues by talking about it but you're talking about a whole range of topics from exes to titles to commitments ad infinitum. Whatever happened to the good old "we're a couple because we enjoy each other's company?" You guys seem to worry about every little thing under the sun. But to summarize what I think, she's obviously confused. Just give her time to let her figure out what she wants. It's pretty simple. Does she want to be with you or not. If she does, then you have a decision to make: whether you want to be with her. If she doesn't want to be with you, then it's out of your hands and no decision is required by your part. MD
Guest Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 Hi Vertex, I've read two other posts of yours in addition to this one, and I can sort of relate to what's happening. In my opinion, your girlfriend is immature with the whole breaking up and wanting you back again thing. She is mind f***ing you. I did the same thing to my ex-boyfriend many many times and when I think about it now, it was really stupid and selfish on my part (okay, I was 16 at the time and now I'm almost 17 lol). It's as if she is using you because she knows you would want her regardless. You need to stop falling for it. This says it all: Exgirlfriend: i missed you a lot today Exgirlfriend: and, i'm not sure i want to just jump back in yet, because i don't want to rush anything, and i'm still figuring things out Exgirlfriend: but i think i want to try... Exgirlfriend: i hope i'm not teasing you AND Exgirlfriend: i mean, i really missed you and i was like...what reasons did i have to break up? Exgirlfriend: and i couldn't remember Exgirlfriend: but i don't know, i feel like it's so unfair to put you through this and you seem to be changing your mind sometimes so idk... What is there to figure out? Really. She even says, "I hope I'm not teasing you." Plus she couldn't even remember why she broke up with you in the first place. Lame? Also, she doesn't want commitment with you. That's like giving her a free pass to do what she wants with someone else and get away with it. Next, after breaking up with you, she meets up with the ex? Then she tells you that she felt nothing for him or his friends. What is the point of saying that? She also says she is "confused" all the time and that she needs to think things through. Shouldn't she have done that before breaking up with you? Anyway, if you're hurt by what she keeps doing yet you enjoy each other's company and want to be with each other, then she needs to learn to grow the f*** up and stop f***ing with your head (btw, she sucks at what she does too). So keep your head high and continue on with life without her. You did nothing wrong and nothing to deserve that kind of treatment from her. She'll come crawling back for sure... might have even learnt a lesson or two.
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