loveshy23 Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 Hey everyone, This may sound a bit mean and shallow but I can't help it. My bf has put on heaps of weight, he is like 30kg more than when I met him. I've said something to him about it and he said he's going to lose it but I don't see that happening. He will not eat anything healthy at all, the only vegetable he will eat is potato. I don't know what to do as I just don't find him attractive anymore and I am a healthy eater and cannot see how we could ever have a future whilst he lives off junk and fried food which I cannot stand. Thing is I know he wouldn't be with me if I were overweight!! It seems like a petty reason to break up with someone, but all I can see in the future is him getting bigger and getting health problems from his weight and unhealthy diet. Apart from the food thing, I really would like to be with him. I just have no idea how this can be resolved. What does everyone else think?
mini696 Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 I think you are perfectly entitled to your opinion. I was 15kgs heavier when I was going out with my GF, and I lost the weight while I was with her, she has mentioned a few times how much more attracted to me she is since I lost weight. So it must work in reverse. I would put down an ultimatium to your BF, make an effort to lose weight or lose you instead. But you MUST give him the time to do it. So set a goal together, and if he doesnt make progress towards it, dump him, and tell him to try again later after he loses the weight.
Citizen Erased Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Most people would call you shallow, but I think that when someone is less attracted to their partner because of healthy problems like weight gain, it is valid. If he has put on weight and looks like he will continue to do so then perhaps you could try to suggest you join a gym together? If you both attempt to eat healthier and exercise more together then you will have the necessary support to do this as a team. I dont think this requires an ultimatum, just use tact eg. 'damn, I had better watch out or i will keep eating all this crap and end up... honey will you help me keep to a diet?' If he thinks he is doing you a favour then all is good. I ended up giving my credit cards etc to my boyfriend so I wouldnt eat so much junk food at work and we cook our meals together. We have both lost about 5 kilos each and are going to the gym together. It is fantastic for your relationship, doing something together which will impact upon your life, and plus you get to perve on him whilst he is hot and sweaty.
JayKay Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Tell him you can't see having a future with someone who doesn't lead a healthy lifestyle. It's just like having a smoking or alcohol addiction; a food addiction can lead to all sorts of health problems and potentially shorten someone's life. If you really love him and hoped to be with him over the long term, this is not unreasonable.
Gorgeous Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 I had this issue with an ex. She suffered from depression and when she began a medication for this, she gained about 20lbs. This definitely had an impact on our relationship. I was less attracted to her. Part of me was ashamed to look at her. It sucks to say that, and hear myself say it, but it's the truth. So what you're feeling is normal. It's a fact of life for many of us. As a solution, I'd suggest joining a gym, like darlin_coco mentioned. My current GF and I share a membership and it's great. We're both natually slim people and have always been active, but it had been nearly 2 years since I had seen a gym, and my body was nowhere near what it used to be (or is now). She had mentioned the idea of a gym several times. I'm positive some of her motivation for this was due to her not being as attracted to my body. That's fine with me. SHe never outright said "you have a crappy body, go hit the weights" but here I am, at the gym 3-4 days a week and I'm REALLY happy with myself and how I look. Self esteem is through the roof compared to 6 months ago.
tigger Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 I'd say that if what you see on the outside isn't beautiful to you no matter what size he or she is, then you aren't with the right person! Example: There are several stand up comedians who aren't necessarily attractive - but they make me laugh. Due to this, I have developed small crushed on them. Laughing is a huge priority in my life, and that is what draws my attention - not so much what they look like. My fiance and I have both gained weight since we started going out. He fullfilles me in everyway that I don't see the gain as an issue. The only thing I can concur to with the first post is that she is a healthy eater. Healthy eaters tend to need to be with other healthy eaters because it's not so much about food, it's about health and is a major life style, literally. So, in that aspect - I'd say you need to speak with him and tell him you are having a hard time with his diet (food intake, not weight concern), that your concerned about his health in the future and that it's making you second guess your relationship.
Tim'sAngel Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 I'd say that if what you see on the outside isn't beautiful to you no matter what size he or she is, then you aren't with the right person! Example: There are several stand up comedians who aren't necessarily attractive - but they make me laugh. Due to this, I have developed small crushed on them. Laughing is a huge priority in my life, and that is what draws my attention - not so much what they look like. My fiance and I have both gained weight since we started going out. He fullfilles me in everyway that I don't see the gain as an issue. The only thing I can concur to with the first post is that she is a healthy eater. Healthy eaters tend to need to be with other healthy eaters because it's not so much about food, it's about health and is a major life style, literally. So, in that aspect - I'd say you need to speak with him and tell him you are having a hard time with his diet (food intake, not weight concern), that your concerned about his health in the future and that it's making you second guess your relationship. Hmmm... well I don't think that a fit person who takes care of they're body is going to be attracted to anyone overweight whether or not they love them. Love and attraction are 2 different things. And I do believe it is also health issue. My boyfriend is a health freak. He has lots of bad health problems in his genetics and so it is seriously important to him that he and whoever he is with enjoy a healthy lifestyle and he made that clear before we even started dating. Since Iv'e been with him, I eat better, and feel better. To me it would be like, what if you put a whole lot of effort into being a very clean person and you started dating someone who didn't practice good hygene. Would you still be attracted to them? No of course not. They would be abusing they're body as would someone who was at an unhealthy weight. My advice would be an ultimatum. It might sound cruel, but I'm sure he is self-aware of his weight gain, and he also knows that you know he would have a problem with it if the situation was reversed. I can totally feel ya girl!!
Sal Paradise Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 You have a right to be concerned. You can encourage him to lose it and see if he does. And if he doesn't you have 2 choices. Accept him for him or move on.
catgirl1927 Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 It may come across as shallow, but I think it's more about priorities than it is about pounds. If you eat healthy and take care of yourself, it's hard to be with someone who eats junk and doesn't exercise. I don't think either one of you is bad, you're just different. In the end, it doesn't sound like you're going to be happy with someone whose ideals are this different from yours. I would talk to him about it.
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