pricillia Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 Hi everyone, I have had an affair with a married coworker who dilignetly pursued me. It has since ended because he tells me that he feels that I am not honest with him and he thinks that I have been with other people. Now keep in mind here that I have not been with anyone in years and it took allot for me to let him get as close as he has. I feel that is implication is an excuse to end things or he feels it is getting too complicated. I called him out at stated that he used me and he states that he has feelings for me is still attracted to me and part of him cares for me. He also states that he loves his wife, "however being with me has brought out the nastiest raw sexual side of him and it is maddening." I do not contact this man and I often feel his stare in the office, and when I look at him he often looks away. How do I handle this situation as I felt such a connection with him but I do not want to even go there again.
whichwayisup Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 It has since ended because he tells me that he feels that I am not honest with him and he thinks that I have been with other people. Isn't that ironic. A MARRIED man, accusing YOU of being with other people. Doesn't that stop and make you think that possibly there is something WRONG with him????? He should look in the mirror - Considering HE IS MARRIED and HAS A WIFE who he is CHEATING ON... Keep telling yourself you're better off without him. The connection you feel is sexual and that is it. Be glad that this didn't go on for a long time, the guy seems like a complete JERK. He has TOLD you that he only thinks of you in a sexual way - Telling you he loves his wife, yet he feels a "nastiest raw sexual" for you. THAT IS NOT LOVE, it is JUST sex. Remember that you are worth more than just a roll in the hay! Respect yourself, and don't stoop to his needs ... You will find someone else who will love just you. The whole package, not some guy who wants you for one thing.
Author pricillia Posted March 26, 2006 Author Posted March 26, 2006 Yes he is a jerk, I just wonder how many other people he has done this with, he keeps on changing his story, first he told me he was with other people then he told me he was not, then he was, then the last time he told me that he never did anything like this before...I wonder is this cheating 101? I am not a victim here, I could have said no plenty of times but the attraction was there and I had not felt that for anyone in a long time. Now don't get me wrong he tried for about 8 months before we started becoming friends and then it just went too far. This whole thing has made me realize that I do want a relationship that includes great sex but someone that I can call my own. If I did not despise him so much I guess I would admire this man as he has everyone fooled!!!
only1life Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Raw sexual side ... I'm sorry for your sake, but it seems pretty clear that he was looking for sex and you were willing. He says he still loves his wife, so it doesn't seem he was looking for anything long term from you. And now that he's done with you, he'll try and pass off blame and guilt for his part. And for you, there's plenty of us good, honest men, who are looking for more than sex in a relationship, so unless that's all you were looking for, why would you become involved with him?
Guest Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 Hi Pricilla The answers to your questions lie in your own postings: 1. "I have had an affair with a married coworker who diligently pursued me. It has since ended because he tells me that he feels that I am not honest with him and he thinks that I have been with other people. Now keep in mind here that I have not been with anyone in years and it took a lot for me to let him get as close as he has. I feel that is implication is an excuse to end things or he feels it is getting too complicated. " That last sentence is what it is all about. He is divesting himself of any blame (or attampting to do so, rather) and dumping it all on you. He is projecting his dishonesty onto you - trying guilt transference for all he's worth. Very obvious and very unsubtle. 2. "I called him out and stated that he used me and he states that he has feelings for me is still attracted to me and part of him cares for me. He also states that he loves his wife, "however being with me has brought out the nastiest raw sexual side of him and it is maddening."" This is purely him saying effectively to you that "you made him do it". He is taking zero responsibility for his actions and blaming you for his betrayal of his wife. It's utter nonsense. It's a way of him trying to deal with his guilt. But refuse point blank to accept any of this rubbish. Hold him 100% accountable for what he has done. At the same time accept 100% what you have done. You were not forced into this relationship - you entered it voluntarily. You each have equal responsibility for what has been done. If you hold yourself responsible for your side of things (and that alone) you will be much stronger as a person for doing that. 3. "How do I handle this situation as I felt such a connection with him but I do not want to even go there again?" You have to reject him and make it plain that you do so. You keep your contact with him to the bare (as in what the office requires...) minimum. Open up a distance and don't try to persuade him of the error of his views. He'll use any such opportunity if given to him as a means of trying to persuade you to change your thinking. Ideally do as someone else has suggested in reply to you and get a new job and sever all contact with him. Maybe hard to do if you felt for him - but best. And throw yourself into a distracting activity - one which will ideally take you into meeting single men. What do you like doing beyond work? Think of the areas - new interests - you have wanted to explore but not done so. Now is an ideal time to pick up something new that you'll enjoy - and go for it! Yours Highlander
Author pricillia Posted April 1, 2006 Author Posted April 1, 2006 Raw sexual side ... I'm sorry for your sake, but it seems pretty clear that he was looking for sex and you were willing. He says he still loves his wife, so it doesn't seem he was looking for anything long term from you. And now that he's done with you, he'll try and pass off blame and guilt for his part. And for you, there's plenty of us good, honest men, who are looking for more than sex in a relationship, so unless that's all you were looking for, why would you become involved with him? Hi only one life... yes I was willing however I never was and never will be the kind of person that has had sex without love. This was new territory for me and although there was that attraction that I have not felt in a long long time and I know he is married I felt a closeness to him that I had not felt towards anyone in a long long time. I never thought and still do not think that he was looking for anything long term from me as most of these kind of relationships I know how the story ends. The last e-mail that he sent to me was as follows: let me tell you all what I said to him after the raw sexual side e-mail I let him know that I did not want to hear anymore of what he had to say and that I just wanted to be happy...I let him know that I have spent to much time thinking about it. I also let him know that I know that he used me and that was that! His reply: "fine I'm done I just had to say what I said but you know its not true I have feelings for you and I did not use you...if I didn't care do you think it would be so hard for me not to think of you...oh forget it I've said too many things already especially when we are alone" so thanks only one life... I am happy to hear that there are good honest men out there that don't only want one thing! I appreciate your reply.. Pricillia
Author pricillia Posted April 1, 2006 Author Posted April 1, 2006 also...I do really like my job and I do not want to leave, I have people there that I have connected with and that I enjoy very much. I have not contacted him since his last e-mail, I do have feelings for him and know that the nicest thing that I could do for everyone involved is to leave him alone, not much into the drama scene. As much as I like him I know that there is no future and I will not fool myself into thinking that there is, such as investing time and energy into a relationship with someone that is not mine. I do feel guilt here and I have kept him at a distance, he through the whole relationship did not know how to handle that, as I needed to protect myself. I know now that you can not help who you like, but I do know that it was wrong to be with a MM, the whole situation is a little overwhelming! I am and have never been a flirt or looked for this kind of thing to happen at all. I am quiet and reserved and open up to only those people that I know and trust.
cliftonl Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 Priscilla: Just wanted to give another viewpoint. I just had an office affair that was pursued equally by me and the OW. I've been very happily married for 15 years, but lately my wife has shut down sexually. The OW offered me a glimpse of the kind of sexual relationship i really want with a woman. It's also not quite that bad with my wife- I have a really strong drive and was actually pretty happy having sex with two beautiful women. But I really fell in love with the OW. In retrospect, i know I went overboard, but I did it with a totally clear head, and every expectation that it wouldn't last. I'm in an incredible amount of pain over how the OW treated me, because she wasn't totally honest with me- said she wanted to see me, but kept me at arm's length for 3 months. Then I finally left her a voicemail and told her it was totally over. I still have no idea how she really feels. I would have accepted her breaking it off with me if she would have been straightforward about it. As it is, it feels like it does when someone disappears and you don't know if they died or not. I guess I just want to point out that people are unfaithful in loving marriages all the time, and we do it for different reasons. i never went out to hurt anyone, and only have myself to blame in the end. I'm not sorry I had an affair, because it was really beautiful and I still love this woman. I also still love my wife and am struggling with working it out with her. Even if you're in either side of an extramarital affair, it's no excuse to hurt people or be any more dishonest than you are already by lying to a spouse. For this reason I decided to never tell my wife- I know it will hurt her more than anything else I could do, I think. Also, office affairs can be really risky when you have to se people after the heat is gone, but when you think of it, that's where so many of us meet- because that's where we spend all of our time. I met both my wives at work. It takes a lot of discretion to keep it cool.
Author pricillia Posted April 22, 2006 Author Posted April 22, 2006 cliftonl, thanks for the different perspective and sharing your experience, I still work in the same office with him and there has been little contact with him as per his request, however he sometimes makes it a point to stop and say hello or e-mail me silly questions that he knows the answers to. I still have strong feelings for him but I try to keep them cool just like you said as we do work together and I would like to keep working there. I was wondering if things are better sexually with your wife and if you still look outside your marriage for that sexual spark? And what ever happened to the ow?
Author pricillia Posted April 29, 2006 Author Posted April 29, 2006 pricilla: "I know now that you can not help who you like," This is not entirely true, and needs 2 be addressed because of the damage that can be caused by believing it. You ARE in complete control over who you love and who you don't. REAL love is a choice, not a feeling. You'll understand this after you've been in an HONEST, long-term committed relationship. "I am and have never been a flirt or looked for this kind of thing to happen at all. I am quiet and reserved and open up to only those people that I know and trust." And the OM saw you from a mile away and preyed on you. I think you should inform his W of your affair. AND/OR, you should cc his W on all your replies 2 his emails. You should also quit your job, or encourage the OM 2 quit. You need 2 get 2 NO CONTACT for life. -ol' 2long Hi 2long I read your reply and I agree, it has been a little over two months since we have been together, still working in the same office and seeing each other everyday. I am sure that he saw some kind of weakness in me and he took advantage of it thanks for your perspective on the situation. I know that the MM was looking for another job but has not left at this time. There has been an update and I have been interested in someone else, Thank-god!!! Unmarried!!! went on one date and plan to go on another anyway the MM got wind of me seeing someone else and asked to be with me yesterday, tells me that it is hard for him to see me everyday and not be with me... all of the lines that one would hear. He walked me out to my car trying to get me to spend time with him, but I told him that I just wanted him to be my friend and told him that it was never going to happen, wished him a nice weekend and got in my car and drove away. Now do not get me wrong that was really hard to do as I have feelings for him but do not want to feel the guilt and shame of helping someone betray thier wife anymore. And it has finially gotten to a point where I feel that I am in control again, and that is a really great feeling!!!
Jessie61 Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 There has been an update and I have been interested in someone else, Thank-god!!! Unmarried!!! went on one date and plan to go on another anyway the MM got wind of me seeing someone else and asked to be with me yesterday, tells me that it is hard for him to see me everyday and not be with me... all of the lines that one would hear. He walked me out to my car trying to get me to spend time with him, but I told him that I just wanted him to be my friend and told him that it was never going to happen, wished him a nice weekend and got in my car and drove away. Pricillia, I am delighted for you; a new SINGLE man in your life and an opportunity to tell your MM to sling his hook in such a stylish way! Well done!
Author pricillia Posted April 29, 2006 Author Posted April 29, 2006 Pricillia, I am delighted for you; a new SINGLE man in your life and an opportunity to tell your MM to sling his hook in such a stylish way! Well done! thanks for your reply, now that I look back it was stylish... thanks for the support.
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