TheTallOne Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 I recently got back with an ex... its been about a month since we "restarted".. and its been much better than the time before. She said that she wanted to get to know me... take it "slow", which is fine. We're dating.... but not in a relationship, per say. I am not having a huge doubt about it.. but I am curious as to if this would be "rigor mortis" slow. First, one quick question; 1) We aren't in a relationship... yet we are "exclusively dating". Which is fine by me... but...isn't that what a relationship is? You don't date/see other people? anyway; We haven't done anything sexual. All we have done is; 1) Hugged 2) Kissed (not a deep passionate kiss, just a kiss) 3) She has rested herself on me for comfort (legs on my lap.. head on my shoulder etc.) She has been emotionally hurt in the past, hence her "taking it slow". We generally talk with eachother every other day either by txt or phone, and we generally see eachother 2-4 times a week. (One for a few hours... the other just for an hour or so) In my mind... we're in a relationship. Thoughts?
Mary3 Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 Your post is kind of confusing. You are * Dating * and not in a relationship ? Meaning you go out on casual dates ? You are going out on dates and you are only dating eachother ? Or is it YOU that thinks you are both just seeing eachother ? She is treating you like a buddy dude ! She is not doing anything intimate with you. You cannot assume anything. You guys are just sailing along here with no definitions. If you need clarification you have to ask. You CANNOT assume she is not seeing anyone else by assumption only. It like putting your head in the sand so you can't see whats going on...
Author TheTallOne Posted March 25, 2006 Author Posted March 25, 2006 Its not a serious relationship. We go out on dates... but we're not in a serious one. I know she isn't dating anyone else... both by her statement (she said it), and her sisters. Intimate as in sexual? Like I said above, the only thing we haven't done is have any type of sexual relations. We have kissed numerous amount of times.. Hope that cleared it up. Your post is kind of confusing. You are * Dating * and not in a relationship ? Meaning you go out on casual dates ? You are going out on dates and you are only dating eachother ? Or is it YOU that thinks you are both just seeing eachother ? She is treating you like a buddy dude ! She is not doing anything intimate with you. You cannot assume anything. You guys are just sailing along here with no definitions. If you need clarification you have to ask. You CANNOT assume she is not seeing anyone else by assumption only. It like putting your head in the sand so you can't see whats going on...
Art_Critic Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 IMO she has sort of back burnered you.. She is giving you enough to keep you around until she meets the guy the trips her trigger.. As soon as that happens you are going to hear.. Sorry it didn't work out.. You need to bring yourself into reality and break it down with her to a point you are happy with. Or dump her.. because she is going to dump you when she finds the guy.. You are just a space filler I could be wrong and she could be totally in love with you.. but I doubt it She doesn't want you to date other people because she wants to have you on her backburner
alphamale Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 In my mind... we're in a relationship. In her mind....you two are not in a relationship. When a woman says "lets take it slow" that is a big red flag. I would strongly suggest you move on to greener pastures
gfto Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 Wake up Tall One! First of all, going back to an ex never works out in the long run. This girl has very low interest in you, and is using you as filler until she meets a new guy she really likes. I can assure you that it's only a matter of time before she tells you that it just isn't working. So, you'd do well to get out before she does.
luvtoto Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 She said that she wanted to get to know me... take it "slow", which is fine. That comment is just throwing me for a loop. How long did you date before? Why would she need to get to know you? Did she not know you the first time? Is there any trust between you two? How long did you two date before? This relationship does sound a bit fishy to me. I mean, no passionate kisses, sex or intimacy? What's the point? I don't think she is ready to have a relationship yet. She still has lots of healing to do, imo....but, at the same time, she is lonely. I think she's using you.
luvtoto Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 First of all, going back to an ex never works out in the long run. I beg to differ. If you really love them, it can work.
max003 Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 if she says she wants to take it slow, that means she probably expects you to be faithfull. Imagine her reaction if you tell her your seeing someone else, if you can see her crying and hitting you, i would take that as a bad sign. speaking as a woman, all those things you have done with her count more than the things you havent. she wants security, comfort and support from you, before the sex so she knows its real. if your not sure ask her!
Kengne Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 Hi TallOne! I completely disagree with most of the posters here. Why? Because I was in your shoes - and your ex-gf, was my bf. We were only together 5 mths... and if you want to know why, read my thread abt it... but in essence, there was alot of hurt/distrust on his end towards me based on how things ended. When he came back saying he wanted to work things out from scratch - he said the same thing your gf is saying i.e. about wanting to 'take it slow'. Honestly... I believe 'take it slow' is the most hated phrase in the English vocabulary. Because really, what does it mean? Absolutely nothing! And just like you - we were dating, but not dating others, but not in an official relationship either. It was a limbo state really. I won't go into any further details because this post is about YOU... but suffice to say we DID get back together. So I don't nec agree that your ex-gf is keeping you on the back burner. She obv is not ready to be in an official relationship. And no matter what it may SEEM like on the outside to you - it is NOT a relationship until both parties agree to make it official. You trying to understand this limbo state you guys are in will get you nowhere. I know it used to make me frustrated, until I took ownership of the situation and decided to begin dating others (which I had stopped, when my bf came back wanting to 'work things out' by 'taking it slow'). He was not happy with my decision, but since we were not in a relationship he could not say anything. Once I made that decision, the frustration melted away because I wasn't waiting for NOBODY! He could do whatever, I could do whatever. So my advice to you is - if the limbo state is making you frustrated... rather than push your ex-gf to make a decision... step back, start dating others. Not to make her jealous, but to put things in perspective for you to realize that being with her is not the end all or be all. And remember... it's only been a mth since u restarted. My 'take it slow' phase with my ex-bf/now bf lasted almost 4 mths! We were broken up almost as long as we'd been together the 1st time. If it's meant to be.. you guys will get back. But don't pressure her to 'make it official'. Just do you... and let her do her. K. ETA: My ex-bf/bf never 'expected' me to not date others. He always told me from the jump that he would not be HAPPY if I did that, but that he couldn't expect me to wait on him. Yet while we were broken up - he did not date others. We were both very upfront with each other that if anyone was interested in or wanting to date others - we'd tell each other. That's why I told him when I had stopped dating others, and later when I started dating others.
Mary3 Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 This type of *relationship* would not be physically satisfying to me . Its fine if he were just a casual buddy that I went out with like to a concert or a movie but if thats fine with you to be held at arms length and not be satisfied sexually as well, well its your own boat and you float on it the way you want. There's buddys on a string and I think thats YOU. Will you settle for this ? Who's idea was this anyway ? Hers ? She's going to find Mr. Yes and you are going to be Mr. No in a heartbeat !
SuperMonk Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 IMO she has sort of back burnered you.. She is giving you enough to keep you around until she meets the guy the trips her trigger.. As soon as that happens you are going to hear.. Sorry it didn't work out.. You need to bring yourself into reality and break it down with her to a point you are happy with. Or dump her.. because she is going to dump you when she finds the guy.. You are just a space filler I could be wrong and she could be totally in love with you.. but I doubt it She doesn't want you to date other people because she wants to have you on her backburner ^^^ Bingo. ThetallOne, dood A REAL MAN would not accept this. Dump her,but keep dating her since you think you're the pimp now. I got a $1000 bet that you and her will not last a month.
Author TheTallOne Posted March 26, 2006 Author Posted March 26, 2006 Update: We went out with her sister, and a few friends to a resturant then to bowling. (it was their birthday last week.. so, we went out to celebrate) First thing she does when I walk through the door, is to offer me some music cds that she had burned, as she wasn't sure that I had them. We go out to the resturant... she sits across from me. She has a drink (I have one.. as I am driving), we then get into a mini war with changing the banners on eachother's phones. She is a flirty type person, but she was more flirty with me then the other guys. Then.. we go bowling. She is very touchy with me, when it wasn't my turn, she would come and sit on my lap... or give me a back rub, etc. Once again, not doing anything like that with her other guy friend that came along (and of course not her sister..) On the way back, her sister drove.. and we sat in the back seat of the car. The ride lasted about 20 or so minutes, and in that time, she leaned over and put her head on my shoulder.. as she was dead tired (we were out late, just got back about 10 minutes ago). She held my hand as this was going on also. When we got back to her house, we all left. Before we parted, she came over and gave me a big kiss and a hug, and told me to drive safely... she was obviously dead tired.
Author TheTallOne Posted March 26, 2006 Author Posted March 26, 2006 IMO she has sort of back burnered you.. She is giving you enough to keep you around until she meets the guy the trips her trigger.. As soon as that happens you are going to hear.. Sorry it didn't work out.. You need to bring yourself into reality and break it down with her to a point you are happy with. Or dump her.. because she is going to dump you when she finds the guy.. You are just a space filler I could be wrong and she could be totally in love with you.. but I doubt it She doesn't want you to date other people because she wants to have you on her backburner I disagree. I see nothing that implies that... I know of her history, she is just nervous to getting hurt again.. so, she wants to get to know me.. which she said she has. Its only been a month.. If this was going on for months on end, I'd agree with you.
Author TheTallOne Posted March 26, 2006 Author Posted March 26, 2006 Wake up Tall One! First of all, going back to an ex never works out in the long run. This girl has very low interest in you, and is using you as filler until she meets a new guy she really likes. I can assure you that it's only a matter of time before she tells you that it just isn't working. So, you'd do well to get out before she does. Girl has a low interest in me, because she was to take it slow? Thats it? I'd rather have a girl take it somewhat slow.. then jump my bones and become a clingy freak... imo.
Author TheTallOne Posted March 26, 2006 Author Posted March 26, 2006 This type of *relationship* would not be physically satisfying to me . Its fine if he were just a casual buddy that I went out with like to a concert or a movie but if thats fine with you to be held at arms length and not be satisfied sexually as well, well its your own boat and you float on it the way you want. There's buddys on a string and I think thats YOU. Will you settle for this ? Who's idea was this anyway ? Hers ? She's going to find Mr. Yes and you are going to be Mr. No in a heartbeat ! Or... she expects me to lead.. and lead I shall. I don't want to be satisfied sexually.. yet. Its only been a month.. that will come in time. As much as I want to be sexually active with her... I want to show her also that I am not just interested in her body, and that comes over time. I just keep upping the ante in terms of physicalness.. and I'll see where I go from there.
Author TheTallOne Posted March 26, 2006 Author Posted March 26, 2006 ^^^ Bingo. ThetallOne, dood A REAL MAN would not accept this. Dump her,but keep dating her since you think you're the pimp now. I got a $1000 bet that you and her will not last a month. Been a month... wheres my 1k?
Mary3 Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 She's got all the ear marks of someone that is interested in you. The question is then : Why have you not taken it any further ? She is sending lots of positive signs. How are you reacting to them ? Do you want to take it to a sexual level ? Either that or she is an affectionate *tease*. What do you think is going on here ? My advice is to go a little more intimate when you are alone with her. Touch some spots on her that let her know you want more than a hug. If she balks at this late stage in the game she is just mind f***ing you. She may have reasons for not going * there * but are you helping her to get there ? How slow is *slow* when you have already been together previously ? Make a stronger move and see what happens. Unless of course you are content with hugs and music CD's
Author TheTallOne Posted March 26, 2006 Author Posted March 26, 2006 She's got all the ear marks of someone that is interested in you. The question is then : Why have you not taken it any further ? Trying to balance being respectful of her needs.. and mine, thats all. I mean.. when she is sitting on my lap, I put my arms around her boob area.. and she doesn't pull away. When we were in the back seat of the car, she was rubbing my leg etc. Like I said above.. its only been a month. She is sending lots of positive signs. How are you reacting to them ? Do you want to take it to a sexual level ? I want to take it slowly to a more sexual level... I mean, I can touch her body pretty much anywhere (and I have). Either that or she is an affectionate *tease*. Yes.. I know. I dunno what the signs of someone who is just like that is.. I mean, she does intiate kissing with me. Not only that... the amount of flirting that she did with me... was off the chart when compared to other people. What do you think is going on here ? No idea really.. its progressed to a much higher level than ever before. My advice is to go a little more intimate when you are alone with her. Touch some spots on her that let her know you want more than a hug. If she balks at this late stage in the game she is just mind f***ing you. She may have reasons for not going * there * but are you helping her to get there ? Other than reaching down the pants for the kitty or up the shirt for some boobs... what else is there? Most of everything else.. I've touched/massaged. How slow is *slow* when you have already been together previously ? Make a stronger move and see what happens. Unless of course you are content with hugs and music CD's Before.. we never got anywhere, at all. Just very flaky kisses... but, no where near where we are at now.
Mary3 Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 I would say to continue on a course thats most comfortable for both of you. It sounds like she does want more and with time and patience you will both get there.
gfto Posted March 26, 2006 Posted March 26, 2006 Girl has a low interest in me, because she was to take it slow? Thats it? Yes. A woman with high interest level in you doesn't use the word "slow" when defining the relationship. Rather, she'll want to get the show on the road. All this flirting and CDs doesn't necessarily mean anything. Women with low interest level can still do this stuff. How old is she? How long were you two together before she dumped you? How long was it before you "got back together"? How did you two "get back together"? I'd rather have a girl take it somewhat slow.. then jump my bones and become a clingy freak... imo. These aren't the only choices. There's also a classy lady who has her own life, doesn't cling, and wants to jump your bones on a regular basis. That's what you want. Not an ex who wants to take things slow.
Author TheTallOne Posted March 26, 2006 Author Posted March 26, 2006 Yes. A woman with high interest level in you doesn't use the word "slow" when defining the relationship. Rather, she'll want to get the show on the road. All this flirting and CDs doesn't necessarily mean anything. Women with low interest level can still do this stuff. How old is she? How long were you two together before she dumped you? How long was it before you "got back together"? How did you two "get back together"? Even when one has had bad experiences in the past? Even when I have a high interest in a girl.. I don't want to fast track it, espically with the weirdos of my past. She is 23. We were together... about 2 months. 2-3 months until we got back together. I suggested it to her. We talked for awhile... then it just started from there. These aren't the only choices. There's also a classy lady who has her own life, doesn't cling, and wants to jump your bones on a regular basis. That's what you want. Not an ex who wants to take things slow. Would you say this girl is... clinging? She calls me.. but not generally more than one time a day... we generally speak every other on the phone. We do txt a great deal more than actually talking however. I would hardly call her my "ex", as nothing was serious between us.
gfto Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Even when one has had bad experiences in the past? Even when I have a high interest in a girl.. I don't want to fast track it, espically with the weirdos of my past. Others may disagree, but I honestly don't believe bad experiences in her past are particularly relevant to her interest level in YOU. Sure, there's no need to fast track it, but taking it slow is no good either. There's a happy medium, but this girl is telling you she wants to take it slow. Think of it this way. Suppose you just got hurt very badly by some girl, and you're just feeling miserably. A few weeks later you meet a dead ringer for Cindy Crawford (or whoever your favorite female celeb is), and she's asking you out on dates. Do you tell her you want to take it slow because you just got hurt? Of course not! "Let's take it slow" simply means "I'm not that into you." She is 23. We were together... about 2 months. 2-3 months until we got back together. I suggested it to her. We talked for awhile... then it just started from there. 23 is very young. When we're in our early 20s, our feelings can change on a dime with no rhyme or reason. Usually when you start dating a girl, you're automatically on probation for the first two months. Few men make it past that two months. Sure enough, she got rid of you at around 2 months. I would've bet that "getting back together" was your suggestion; not hers. As some have discussed in other threads, it's the woman who chooses; not the man. I hate to say it, but I call 'em like I see 'em, and I just don't think you have anything going with this girl. Would you say this girl is... clinging? She calls me.. but not generally more than one time a day... we generally speak every other on the phone. We do txt a great deal more than actually talking however. I would hardly call her my "ex", as nothing was serious between us. Keep in mind, YOU referred to her as your "ex" in your introductory post! In this situation, I would recommend no communication unless you're in her physical presence. Phone calls and text messages are strictly for setting up dates. She has to miss you a little in order to want to see you. Hang in there if you must, but I think you're driving down a dead end street.
Author TheTallOne Posted March 27, 2006 Author Posted March 27, 2006 Usually when you start dating a girl, you're automatically on probation for the first two months. Few men make it past that two months. Sure enough, she got rid of you at around 2 months. I would've bet that "getting back together" was your suggestion; not hers. As some have discussed in other threads, it's the woman who chooses; not the man. I hate to say it, but I call 'em like I see 'em, and I just don't think you have anything going with this girl. There was a major reason why it never worked out.. generally on my part, somewhat on her part. I didn't realize what had happend.. until afterwards. We never really gave it a chance, per say.. its a long story. What happend before.. isn't happening now, hence why it is a bit different. Keep in mind, YOU referred to her as your "ex" in your introductory post! In this situation, I would recommend no communication unless you're in her physical presence. Phone calls and text messages are strictly for setting up dates. She has to miss you a little in order to want to see you. Hang in there if you must, but I think you're driving down a dead end street. I dunno.. I talked to her today, a down to earth dicussion. She agreed to be in a relationship with me... so, obviously I took it slow enough to get her hooked. Everything isn't an absolute, I'll always keep my eyes open for when I need to bail however.. it is still early in the relationship.
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