Kisu Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 ...and you too will need time if you choose to read all of this... My last thread about this guy got rather big and confusing (and is kind of dated now) so I’m going to start a fresh one. Again, excuse the length, I like to write as it helps me vent… and I understand it’s hard to read so much about someone else’s relationship (it can be truly boring unless you can relate personally). If you choose to read my story, I suggest read the last few paragraphs, and scroll up if you need background information. The day after I impusively told him to forget it, I was so thoroughly broken in mind, body, and spirit – partly because I had said some nasty things that I didn’t mean, partly because I just lost someone who means more to me than any other person I have ever met – that I had to apologize and talk to him about what went wrong, or else for a long time I'd be living in a therapist’s office somewhere. I got physically ill – so bad that I went to my doctor about it, but she found nothing physically wrong with me. It was just this extreme stress. So I finally, shakily, went and asked if he was willing to talk to me about it. His face flushed red, his eyes were lined and tired – he looked awful and like someone else. It was scary to see him look at me like that. He was willing to talk, though was somewhat surprised I wanted to talk about it “right now?” (when, in 2 years?! ). …but he came without resistance to a more private place where we could talk. I tried not to, but I cried a little. He was not angry with me at all, he was very calm and understanding, telling me he knows that I am frustrated, accepting my numerous apologies for being/sounding so selfish and rude (he kept saying softly, “it’s okay, it’s okay…”). The key thing he said was this… that he is willing to try again, but he needs TIME. He said he didn’t know if it would be weeks or months. Hummm. He said he thinks I probably also need time. We both agreed that we have troubles at home and with life to deal with right now (especially him, if you have read my former posts…), and are open to trying again. Then he opened his arms and hugged me tightly like he always did before this mess started (which made me cry all over again, of course). For a week after that I had a lot of trouble making eye contact and talking with him, but I wasn’t crying anymore. I felt 90% better. He was more distant as well, mirroring my shy gestures (looking away, not really talking), and spending more time with some friends of his that are helping him get a job. He still had that tried look in his eyes that unnerved me – and he had said he wasn’t sleeping well. Then we had a week off school where I didn’t have any contact with him at all. I went on vacation with family and talked with some friends the whole time. Still no crying, but I thought about him a lot, worried a little about what would happen to us. I thought about using the ‘no contact’ I’ve been reading about here until he’s ready to try again, but then I see… Our lockers are next to each other (at his request), which can’t be changed. We have a class where we sit next to each other (again he chose to sit next to me), and he could have moved but didn’t. Our mutual best friend always brings us together in our usual trio of close friendship (we’ve been through so much together in just two years, even a scary car accident) – so that’s not going to change anytime soon. The biggest thing, because it could change so easily, and hasn’t, is that he still sits with me and our mutual friend at lunch, rather than going back to his group of guys in their secluded corner of the school. He still sits in his spot; facing me… it all seems back to normal when it’s like this. So there’s no way I could avoid him without pretending he’s invisible, and he still acts kind to me so I can’t bring myself to do that anyway. This last week... I definitely pay less attention to him, and him to me, but we are still very friendly to each other, still laugh together and bicker over inane things on occasion. When he looks at me now, he seems rejuvenated – that look of determination and spark of something in his eyes that he always gave me when we used to flirt a lot is back. The three biggest things that have changed however… There’s the matter of his work friends that go to our school now coming to sit with us frequently, which isn’t a problem in itself, but it seems me and our mutual friend always get shut out of the conversation (sometimes physically) by the friends because we can’t follow or relate to their conversations. I get annoyed when I come to eat lunch and I find one of his work friends sitting in my usual spot in deep conversation with him (they’re all males if it makes any difference). The friends are also kind of rude, and they bring out the slightly ruder side of him (swearing and such). Nothing I can do about all this however... We don’t touch at all anymore, no hugging or anything. Part of me longs to keep hugging him as usual, but the other part says he’s not aloud that kind of thing unless we’re starting this ‘trying again’. The latter rules. ...and the last thing... He checks me out regularly… that approving up and down look thing. He never did this before that I noticed. I see it out of the corner of my eye. He has always looked over to me to see my reactions to things (like if he makes a good joke to a group of people, or suddenly does something amazing in a video game), but now he's looking at me all over. Physically I haven’t changed (I don’t consider myself either ugly or extremely attractive) so I don’t know what he’s looking at all of a sudden. Anyway… Today I had my first real emotional meltdown since he told me he needed time. I’m so happy for him that he’s been much happier lately, as he finally got a job, and is on slightly better terms with his family (regaining some control over his life), but what saddens me is that he hasn’t really hinted at anything about us getting back together (but he’s always been that way – non-initiating). It makes me doubtful that he will tell me if he does or doesn’t want to try again anytime soon, if ever – and even if he does want to, he probably won’t say anything being the way he is. Otherwise the talking and eye contact between us is getting easier day by day (ie. almost back to normal). I’m overwhelmed at what I should do, and wondering what’s really going on in his mind. I miss him a lot, even though he’s right there. I can’t act like friend with him for much longer, that’s for sure. We can’t go back to the way we were before, the friendship line was crossed into something deeper, and that’s it. It was denatured. …but I’m debating how much ‘time’ I should be giving him now. It’s been almost two weeks (which is longer than it felt like…), and there’s been lots of progress for him. He seems his normal, happy self again… but I know he’s also very good at hiding his true feelings (as seen in the our discussion about his state of mind and his parents a while ago). So he may still have things making him upset, even if he has more freedom – so honestly he may not be ready to try to start a relationship again, and I don’t want to go and keep bugging him about it (now THAT would look needy). I am not the type that can just walk away from something like this and ‘drift apart’. Telling me to do that would be telling me to pound a wooden stake into my chest. I’d wither and die on the inside asking questions and wondering and blaming myself for not being dedicated enough to wait long enough for someone I love so much. If I do have to walk away in the end, it will be after I get closure. At the same time… I can’t go on like this much longer, as it’s degrading me. I can’t casually hang around someone who I love so much, and treat them as JUST a friend. This is a friend who I love deeply; never JUST a friend. I don’t know what should I do at this point. If you had the paitence to read it all, <3's to you. If not, I understand.
basscatcher Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 Propose to him to meet up after school somewhere. No friends, no one around. A park, McDonalds,someplace you use to hang out just the two of you (special place?) Tell him in short that you need to know where the two of you stand and if there is any chance of building again. Be quiet and let him talk. He will tell you if he wants to start again. If he doesn't then I would say he is interested in other opportunities. This doesn't mean he isn't interested in you but he would like others for comparison. (I'm guessing you both are in High School? Exploration is normal. Its a time to learn what you like and don't and want you are looking for..) He will tell you how he feels. I'm sure of it.
MusicWoman Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 if your worried about looking needy...then don't ask him when your getting back together 3 times a day... this your not doing so don't worry about it:) Just ask him how he feels
Author Kisu Posted March 26, 2006 Author Posted March 26, 2006 I really need to make a reply someday that is less than a page… Propose to him to meet up after school somewhere. No friends, no one around. A park, McDonalds,someplace you use to hang out just the two of you (special place?) Aie... that's hard to do. One of the biggest challenges I have faced with him is 'together alone time' -- he's near impossible to get alone. I also find very hard to ask him in the first place, because I have to be extremely blunt or pull him physcially, and I know it will be awkward for both of us. Our special place we can't get to anymore (photography dark room at school *coughs*). I don't know what it is about dark rooms (I blame the chemicals) but his silly switch flipped on the times we had to work in there. Lots of good memories... We don't live near each other, so it's difficult to say... "Hey let's go for a walk in the woods/park after school." ...because I couldn't get home after! He has shifts to work after most school days now anyway. Basically all I have to work with is peeling him off his comfy bench, away from his/our friends, and getting him to come outside with me at lunch hour. Tell him in short that you need to know where the two of you stand and if there is any chance of building again. Be quiet and let him talk. He will tell you if he wants to start again. If he doesn't then I would say he is interested in other opportunities. I will try that. I'll be sure to do it when I have low to no chance of crying too... The more I think of it, the more I think it was a bad time for us to meet, conisdering we're already going through the tranisition of HS into a bigger world. ...but then I don't regret meeting him when I did, ever. Overall he's changed me for the better and made me realise a lot of things I never even thought of before. ...and while I can understand how he is more inclined to focus on work and study right now, rather than the added pressures of a relationship, I suppose the reason I get upset, is because I know a few hard working guys around my age that do well in school and have jobs, yet they still make time for their friends, their girl, and even other things. It's not like I want to see him every single day, I got stuff to do too, and we'd run out of things to do fast if we did that. ...but if he can't even spare a few hours one night a week... then I guess he's not interested enough. ...but I don't think he realises that's really all I want/wanted from him. One night of quality time, and a few hugs in between, can keep me going a week or more. This doesn't mean he isn't interested in you but he would like others for comparison. (I'm guessing you both are in High School? Exploration is normal. Its a time to learn what you like and don't and want you are looking for..) He will tell you how he feels. I'm sure of it. Yeah, last year of HS for both of us. I can understand the exploration thing... considering he is extremely inquisitive, and a still young guy to boot. In regards to other girls I don't know how much he will explore... doesn't seem like the kind to girl hop. But who knows. The few occasions where I've seen a couple different girls make passes at him (to no avail, since he's not an initiator), my hackles get raised, but I know he won't do anything, so it ends at that. I once overheard a couple of girls talking about what a pushover he is, and one of them later even told me to try and see how much of a 'boy toy' I could make him. Disgusting! These are the kind of people that I feel surrounded by... makes me so sad. I like to have only a few close friends that I have real emotional connections with and that's it -- it's just the way I've always been. There was a period of my life where I was a complete loner. I didn't mind it so much, but now know I prefer having people to talk with. (but still silently sitting in the corner, I'm the black sheep! Bahhh!) So the rare times I find people with substance I stick with them to the bitter end -- I don't imagine there's a better person waiting (relationship wise), or feel the need to find new people all the time (friendship wise), because I know how hard it is to find someone so great (and honest and kind and trustworthy...). if your worried about looking needy...then don't ask him when your getting back together 3 times a day... I wouldn't have the nerve to do that. I feel like I only have one shot... then asking after that will look desperate. Asking repeatedly would be self-degrading anyway. this your not doing so don't worry about it:) Just ask him how he feels "Just ask" -- eep! Guys HATE being asked how they feel, too... I'm going to try, but it's extra hard...
Author Kisu Posted March 31, 2006 Author Posted March 31, 2006 Gahhhh! Someone give me a virtual slap-to-the-face please (or light a virtual fire under my butt – I gotta do something soon)! This week we’ve barely talked face to face. There was an incident mid-week were we had a quick argument over something stupid, but we forgot about it right away (I can’t even remember what was said), and then he was really sweet to me (talked in that odd, gentle voice he only seems to talk to me in). …generally I feel like the more ‘time’ I’m giving him, the harder it is for me to talk to him. His new group of work friends are on him like wasps to sugar, and being the shy person I am, I’m intimidated by them. When they come to talk to him, they shut me out from him. I want to tell him how happy I am for him that he’s got his life back on track, and ask him how he actually is feeling (and hopefully he’ll bring up the trying again on his own like you said – if not, I think I’m at the point where I can move on without dying inside). …but I’m so afraid to approach him. This has always been an issue for me – he apparently has the same issue because he mirrors me – the shyer I get, the more distant he gets. The closer I get, the closer he gets. He mirrors me in other ways too… in the past few weeks when I’ve done kind things for him he’s wordlessly returned the favor (just silly, meaningless things). Right now we're like what we were like with eachother before we knew eachother very well (if that makes sense). Not really saying or doing anything, but still sort of in synch with eachother... it's so strange. I don’t know how to get him alone, especially since we’re not officially together anymore – I feel like I have no right to pull him aside, and I feel it would appear fake/cheesy to say how happy I am for him, considering the fact that I’m the one that broke this off. I just don’t know how to do this, it’s so awkward always making the first move – I know he never will, but I want to give this every shot it has. I want to fix this. Gaah… so confused.
SuperMonk Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 Dude, if I was your boyfriend reading this, I'd run away fast. You remind me of one of my ex-girlfriends that was high maintenance.
Author Kisu Posted April 1, 2006 Author Posted April 1, 2006 Dude, if I was your boyfriend reading this, I'd run away fast. You remind me of one of my ex-girlfriends that was high maintenance. You know, I came here to seek advice and opinions on myself and my so-called 'relationship' in a constructive way. I realise I have issues in relationships (being completely new to this and an oversensitive person) -- I was hoping this foum would help me understand myself and others that I encounter. So if you're going to just criticize and not give any advice for improvement, I'm going to call you rude. I find your post insulting, but looking your other posts you dont's sound like someone who gives a darn.
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