Vertex Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 I am a male, recently separated (was in a relationship with my girlfriend for 1.5+ish years). She broke up with me because she wanted space and the freedom of not having to worry about anyone but herself. However, she still wants to be able to talk to me because she enjoys it. I feel like this is unfair to me. My past relationships have ended in a similar fashion -- my feelings are hurt because I am dumped but then the girl feels that it is ok to discredit this pain and insist that we continue on as friends despite my very much existent love, however much unreciprocated by pure definition alone. In short, why do women feel that it's ok to break up and ask the other to go on as a friend (vice-versa applies as well genderwise for the question)? While I do enjoy talking to my (ex)girlfriend, I feel like it would be a lack of self-respect to allow myself to be "bossed around" so easily, allowing myself to slip into this friend zone, providing her with not only the "easiness" of not dealing with a relationship, but the benefit of being there for her as a friend despite having my love rejected.
noclobber Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Are you sure she really means it when she says "Let's be friends"? She may not have meant it and only said to ease the pain on you. In any case you got to do exactly what she did. She put herself first and said the relationship has to end. Your feelings were not given any consideration. Do the same thing now. Put yourself first and say that you can't be her friend. If you enjoy being her friend then that's a different question but its very clear from your post that you don't want to.
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 I think she did her grieving before she broke up with you and has emotionally detached enough so she still can have you as a friend in her life. That isn't fair to you - Right now, and maybe never, who knows - You can't be friends with her. She has decided to put herself first, basically screw what anybody else thinks, including you -So, stand up for yourself, as painful as it will be and tell her you can't be friends.
max003 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 yeah i agree. its something women say to try and make the break up easier. we know it doesnt, but we hope it will. All the same she is being immensely selfish. Why should you perform boyf duties without the perks? If it was me i would refuse to make time for her, she obviously doesnt think of you as a priority, why bother with her?
MadDog Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 My past relationships have ended in a similar fashion -- my feelings are hurt because I am dumped but then the girl feels that it is ok to discredit this pain and insist that we continue on as friends despite my very much existent love, however much unreciprocated by pure definition alone. In short, why do women feel that it's ok to break up and ask the other to go on as a friend (vice-versa applies as well genderwise for the question)? The next time this happens, why don't you just say "no thanks" when the girl insists you contiue as friends. You have a choice you know. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. It sounds like you're not too experienced with relationships. You'll eventually realize that once a relationship is over, unless you want to remain friends, you have no obligations to that person. If they broke up with you, they can make requests but you don't have to do anything for them unless you think it's good for you too. MD
noclobber Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 unless you think it's good for you too That's right! If you feel that you can enjoy her friendship then go for it. If not just say 'no'.
PlentyLV007 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 The next time this happens, why don't you just say "no thanks" when the girl insists you contiue as friends. You have a choice you know. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If they broke up with you, they can make requests but you don't have to do anything for them unless you think it's good for you too. MD EXACTLY...do what you think is best for you!!!! Especially since she broke up w/ you...now you don't have to worry about her. Worry about yourself because appereantly she's not worrying about you anymore. The whole frienship thing....sorry if this sounds hurtful....but, it's security and guilt on her part. It's not easy to break up w/ someone but when you do and then say..."I want to be friends"....that's like adding lemon to a slash in your heart! BASTARDS!!!! Don't they know it hurts!??? (clearing throat) ehhheemmmm!! Anyway... So...if I were you, do the whole NC....it's hard but, you know what helps...coming on LS and venting, helping other's cope w/ their pains just like your's, and even make up your onwn threads to help yourself. It's all about you now....
Author Vertex Posted March 24, 2006 Author Posted March 24, 2006 Mr. Cool Mario Avatar: I am trying to say no to her -- she keeps guilt-tripping me saying that she likes talking to me and doesn't want to lose me as a friend, but I feel like it's just selfish of her to even ask that of me. Thing is, I do want to stay with her -- but in a relationship, not just as a friend. I didn't want to break up, since I feel that the reasons for our breakup were stupid and that she is just confused and unsure about how to fix problems. She'd rather run away from them.
PlentyLV007 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Mr. Cool Mario Avatar: I am trying to say no to her -- she keeps guilt-tripping me saying that she likes talking to me and doesn't want to lose me as a friend, but I feel like it's just selfish of her to even ask that of me. Thing is, I do want to stay with her -- but in a relationship, not just as a friend. I didn't want to break up, since I feel that the reasons for our breakup were stupid and that she is just confused and unsure about how to fix problems. She'd rather run away from them. Man...I got flashbacks of me when I broke up with my ex. Hun...you need to stop making excuses for her. If the reason for her breaking up with you are stupid ...then that's your answer. She doesn't want to be w/ you anymore booooo..... Your in denial right now and that's understandable...she is being selfish w/the whole friendship thing....
Yamaha Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 As hard as it is, do you really have a choice? She has made your decision for you. She doesn't want a relationship and you don't want to be "just friends". You need time to heal the hurt and trying to be her friend will not help YOU. Tell her "no thank you" to the friends thing and wish her well.
jerbear Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 This is my view from my experience. Mr. Cool Mario Avatar: I am trying to say no to her -- she keeps guilt-tripping me saying that she likes talking to me and doesn't want to lose me as a friend, but I feel like it's just selfish of her to even ask that of me. More like she wants the chase, the attention, without the relationship. She wants to control her life and can at will pick a guy. My ex did that and would actually call me to say she missed me, now is appreciative, blah blah. She is negotiating with you so she can keep you around for her purpose. NC if not LC is the what I would suggest. I didn't want to break up, since I feel that the reasons for our breakup were stupid and that she is just confused and unsure about how to fix problems.[/Quote] She didn't want to lose my friendship. I said to her, the relationship has already changed. We started as friends and from what she said, gave her the confidence and helped her start her own business. Anyway... She is no longer my concern. If you are a friends with her and you have not healed; when she starts seeing others, those issues will hurt. Do you have something, skill, business, etc... that she lacks or needs? It could explain why she wants to be friends. However, it leads to she is using you while not being in a relationship. Honestly, my situation is slightly different, I graduate with an masters in May plus the network I'm building (without her help) is better than hers. I don't need her network or her money. She knows it. In other words, she knows I'm going to be a better catch to someone else. If you stick around, you have to know that there will be times she IS seeing someone and you might know about it. Can you kill those romantic feelings? Are you harbouring hopes of a second chance? If you are trying for a second chance, I suggest reading Caliguy's guide. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/ She'd rather run away from them. [/Quote] She may but you can not make the decision for her. She has to make it. You can help gudie her but for how long? My ex-friend/ex is like this. I THINK she may have abandonment issues. I got smittened by a girl during our seperate period a few years ago. She was very upset that she lost my attention, affections, and abadoned her. My response to her was, you should have kept me if that is how you feel. She was surprised I'm willing to put the friendship on the chopping block; even when I have many platonic female friends. Friendships don't really survive well when one party has the hots for another. Plus one is lying to either themselves or each other. She has made the decision.
monkey00 Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 i agree with what everyone said, particularly maddog and PlentyLV. accept the fact that she IS using you. She wants you around but doesnt want the relationship factor. From hearing what you've said so far, you know you're being used because she wants friendship yet you want more. However if you find her friendship useful and you decide you want nothing more, nothing less. Then that's a healthy friendship there. And if your demands arent met, back out now. Staying friends will only keep your hopes up, only to be disappointed down the road. often i notice that when it's the girl that does the breakup, she'll usually accept keeping you as a friend. in her mind, it's the most logical nicest way of letting you down, yes it can be selfish...but you have the power where to draw the line, take advantage of your actions.
gfto Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 vertex, When a woman gets rid of you, she always throws in that line that she still wants to be friends no matter what. She doesn't mean it though. She's just letting you down easy. You need not even tell her you don't want to be friends. Just disappear. Quit answering her calls and e-mails. Case closed.
Recommended Posts