No Foolin Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Ok, I’ll be quick. I once heard this quote while watching the movie “Rounders”( it’s the movie that started that No limit poker craze in the U.S.), starring Matt Damon. The quote goes as follows “If you can’t spot the sucker within the first 30 min at the table, well then you are the sucker.” It’s an all around solid movie about being what you are and also about breaking up, but I digress. Don’t spend a ton of time over analyzing kids; trying to find reasons why your relationship took a dirt nap. That can be even worse than talking to an ex. You don’t need answers, they don’t help. Want proof, try to console anyone who has truly lost someone in their lives = death. It doesn’t work. You’re a sucker if you believe you are gonna get some sort of closure (what the hell is that). You will always have a wound, it dulls in time, but you will have it (there is no such thing as closure). You are not gonna rock some Gilmore Girls TV show ending to your situation. Every reference, conversation, fake attempt to “run into the ex” is going to rip that wound open. So why do it. The key is this, if you can’t figure yourself out, why you do what you do, then guess what, you are the sucker. It’s the people who have something known as grim determination, that make these quote “bad times” turn into something far greater that you could ever imagine. “Grim” = a resignation to your situation, “determination” = resolve to do what is necessary. No Foolin
CaliGuy Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 NF, with all due respect, if you don't figure out what went wrong, especially if you have some fault in the demise of the relationship, you are certainly bound to repeat the same mistakes. I am living proof of that. Instead of doing some soul searching my part, I fell into old patterns and repeated mistakes. I agree, don't "over-analyze" what went wrong. Don't dwell on it. Recognize your mistakes from the past and vow not to repeat them. What's the old adage? "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results each time." Self evaluation and reflection is a never-ended process. We're not perfect beings. We tend to fall into habits and patterns over the course of our lives that we don't even recognize until it becomes a problem. Recognizing you have a problem is 1/2 the battle. The other half is indeed the resolve to learn and correct. And old saying I like "Enjoy the process of learning as more than just the result of what you are learning."
blind_otter Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 NF, with all due respect, if you don't figure out what went wrong, especially if you have some fault in the demise of the relationship, you are certainly bound to repeat the same mistakes. I am living proof of that. Instead of doing some soul searching my part, I fell into old patterns and repeated mistakes. I agree, don't "over-analyze" what went wrong. Don't dwell on it. Recognize your mistakes from the past and vow not to repeat them. What's the old adage? "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results each time." Self evaluation and reflection is a never-ended process. We're not perfect beings. We tend to fall into habits and patterns over the course of our lives that we don't even recognize until it becomes a problem. Recognizing you have a problem is 1/2 the battle. The other half is indeed the resolve to learn and correct. And old saying I like "Enjoy the process of learning as more than just the result of what you are learning." Correct me if I'm wrong (please do) but - I thought NF was referring to those who try to contact their ex for some imaginary closure. Which never occurs because you don't need to talk to that person to get closure. I've said it before -- if you needed to have a "final chat" with someone to get closure, no one would ever get closure from the death of a loved one. And they do. That's all I had to say.
CaliGuy Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Correct me if I'm wrong (please do) but - I thought NF was referring to those who try to contact their ex for some imaginary closure. Which never occurs because you don't need to talk to that person to get closure. I've said it before -- if you needed to have a "final chat" with someone to get closure, no one would ever get closure from the death of a loved one. And they do. That's all I had to say. I'm referring to this statement "Don’t spend a ton of time over analyzing kids; trying to find reasons why your relationship took a dirt nap. That can be even worse than talking to an ex." Agree, don't dwell on it. Closure comes from recognizing what went wrong on your part. What you could have done better and also realizing some ex's just have issues (and gave you the warning signs they had problems, you just didn't listen to your gut ) they'll never resolve. Not trying to spark a big debate. I don't know that we ever fully get closure when a relationship fails. That's why letting go is so essential to healing. Some questions just never get answered.
Author No Foolin Posted March 24, 2006 Author Posted March 24, 2006 CaliGuy Solid point, however, that is a nice guy answer. You, I and everyone else do not live in a nice world. Watch the movie “Rounders" Cali. I’m not trying to help you get into another relationship, so your patterns regarding what you did wrong should be a simple honest self-disclouse about your 50% their 50% there is your answer. Here is the killer, RELATIONSHIPS DON'T MAKE SENSE. The definition of insanity in my world Cali is “trying to make sense out of something that doesn’t make sense” or “Trying to figure out why a large population of promiscuous girls own day beds.” LOL No Foolin
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 RELATIONSHIPS DON'T MAKE SENSE So true. In or out of them, sometimes they just don't make sense. Unless you're in a relationship with yourself and have total control, than maybe, yes - It makes sense!
blind_otter Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Here is the killer, RELATIONSHIPS DON'T MAKE SENSE. The definition of insanity in my world Cali is “trying to make sense out of something that doesn’t make sense” or “Trying to figure out why a large population of promiscuous girls own day beds.” LOL No Foolin I've had to explain to many friends, lovers, ex-lovers something I thought everyone knew -- emotions aren't logical, because they are ..ya know...emotions...
KittenMoon Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 A great quote on this: "The heart has reasons that reason cannot know"
In Sync Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Maybe we all over analyze what went wrong in our former relationships because it fills a void. We don't know what to do with ourselves and our minds. It's too uncomfortable to just stop and accept whatever happened, so we've become addicted to replaying and replaying the movie in our minds over and over.
blind_otter Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Maybe we all over analyze what went wrong in our former relationships because it fills a void. We don't know what to do with ourselves and our minds. It's too uncomfortable to just stop and accept whatever happened, so we've become addicted to replaying and replaying the movie in our minds over and over. I tend to believe that it gives an illusion of control. "I know what happened, I can make it so it doesn't happen any more".
CaliGuy Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 CaliGuy Solid point, however, that is a nice guy answer. You, I and everyone else do not live in a nice world. Watch the movie “Rounders" Cali. I’m not trying to help you get into another relationship, so your patterns regarding what you did wrong should be a simple honest self-disclouse about your 50% their 50% there is your answer. Here is the killer, RELATIONSHIPS DON'T MAKE SENSE. The definition of insanity in my world Cali is “trying to make sense out of something that doesn’t make sense” or “Trying to figure out why a large population of promiscuous girls own day beds.” LOL No Foolin Heh, how is that a nice guy answer?! I know some relationships don't make sense.
Author No Foolin Posted March 24, 2006 Author Posted March 24, 2006 Regarding the nice guy stuff, I have been following your threads. If you threw a little bit of the dark into your thought process, your walk from your ex would be less painful. My bad for throwing the nice guy thing in without explanation. No Foolin
CaliGuy Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Regarding the nice guy stuff, I have been following your threads. If you threw a little bit of the dark into your thought process, your walk from your ex would be less painful. My bad for throwing the nice guy thing in without explanation. No Foolin My journey away from my Ex by no means has been easy. It could have been easier, but failure to reflect deeply on my own personal issues clouded my judgement. Some people can walk away from a relationship, even after being dumped, without too much concern over why things went wrong. For others, we have a deep desire to know what went wrong and to prevent that from happening in the future. Every day a little piece of that nice guy in me dies and is replaced by a healthy, balanced man. It's only a matter of time before I have shed that nice guy persona completely and have that bounce back in my step. Heck, I'm already happier now than I've been in a long time. Appreciate the comments and your contributions to the forums. As you can tell by my siggy, I think a lot of what you have to say has merit.
riobikini Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 Ok, guys, (NoFoolin, CaliGuy)...we obviously have two schools of extreme thought, here...and both have strong merit, and are useful within specific circumstances....specific to the situation, as well as to the individuals. Which school of teaching you are going to go with, depends on your specific circumstances. They are: 1) If you know it's over, and it can't work, or you don't want it to work, -go 'NC'. 2) If you both think its workable, its a healthy thing overall -you both agree, and its actually worth the trouble to try and save, go the constructed, step-by-step, rebuilding route. Remember: these are still human beings we are talking about...you are a human being....point: rules are made to benefit people....they only serve as a guide....guides are unfeeling and speak from a strict standard.....how we apply the rules from that standard should benefit, -not detract from- the quality of our lives as human beings. -Rio
CaliGuy Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 point: rules are made to benefit people....they only serve as a guide....guides are unfeeling and speak from a strict standard.....how we apply the rules from that standard should benefit, -not detract from- the quality of our lives as human beings. -Rio Well said, Rio
In Sync Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 Anyway what's the big deal about getting closure? It's almost sounding like something a screenwriter wrote anyway, for a movie or ending of a sitcom, but maybe just maybe in our "REAL" lives we're not suppose to get closure. At the end of the day, if we don't get closure..what's the worse thing going to happen? You cry more? You're doing that now. You're gonna get more angry or frusutrated or sad without this almighty closure? Maybe we're not suppose to fully heal. Ya know. Maybe all this pain and sadness is here reason. If it didn't hurt we would all keep repeating the same relationship over and over...that's why this whole notion of closure sounds artificial. We can't go back to the past and wipe away what happen. We have good and bad experiences and learn to live with both realities.
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