GF doesn't like my friend

[Guest]

Greetings everyone. I'm looking for some opinions and ideas about a difficult situation I've been having with my girlfriend (GF).

 

My GF and I have been together for about 1.25 years, now (I'm 32, she's 37). We live about 75 miles apart and only see each other on weekends most of the time. We are deeply in love and I think she could really be the one that I'd like to marry, have children and grow old with. We are planning to move in together this summer (she's moving to my city). But there has been one consistent problem in our relationship that isn't resolving itself and has me troubled. My GF does not like one of my very close friends.

 

My friend, KC, is an ex-GF. We met on an online dating site. After an initial couple of dates we decided there wasn't much of a spark but liked each other enough to want to hang out as friends. That's not particularly strange for me, I have lots of female friends. For several months we would get together for dinner or a movie, or hang out and watch TV or go for hikes, normal stuff. All this while we had been dating other people, and then when we were both single again and spending a lot of time together we started up a fling. We dated for about 6 months. Eventually we ended the romantic relationship because frankly it was going nowhere. I wasn't falling in love with her nor she with me. we fought a lot, and the sex wasn't very good either. But we still very much liked and respected one another, and wanted to remain friends. So we did, and it has been great. We found out that we are not compatible as lovers but are really good friends.

 

About a year after I broke up with KC, I met my current GF. I was upfront with my GF early about KC. I told her the whole story. Initially she seemed okay, but after I had arranged some parties and smaller get togethers that included KC my GF admitted that she didn't like KC and felt uncomfortable around her. She told me that she felt that I spend too much time with KC (a couple of nights a week, during the weekdays when I couldn't see my GF anyway). My GF hasn't made any kind of unreasonable requests that I stop seeing KC, but she certainly wishes that I would. We had a huge fight and almost broke up when I went out of town for a business trip to KC's hometown and KC decided to take vacation and show me around while I was there.

 

Since then, I have kept KC and my GF seperate and that seems to make my GF happy. KC knows what's going on and is supportive of me wanting to preserve my relationship, but she occassionaly complains because we only hang out about once a week and never on weekends. My GF says she's happy as long as she doesn't have to be around KC, but whenever I mention KC her mood changes and she gets rather cold with me. So, because of that I sometimes try not to mention KC in her presence, but then my GF complains that I'm being sneeky and am hiding things from her.

 

My GF says she's not jealous, threatened, or in any way concerned about there being any potential for me and KC to cheat on her (and that's good, because there would be zero cause for those concerns). But she just feels that it isn't normal for ex-lovers to still be friends and want to hang out with their friend's current lover.

 

It's been hard for me to understand her feelings on this matter. All I know is that she's uncomfortable with my friendship with KC and doesn't like nor want to be around her. There's nothing between me and KC other than friendship. Our romantic involvement was brief, ill-fated, and is ancient history; neither of us dwells on it. So why can't my GF just think of KC as another of my many female friends? If she didn't like her beacuse of personality or something I could understand that, we'd still have to work out the problem, but it would be easier in that case, I think.

 

Anyway, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this situtation. How would you feel in this situation? What might you do to solve it?

 

With much thanks,

BJ

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

She's definitely jealous. Especially because she claims not to be.

 

I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

[Vertex]

All you can do is ensure your girlfriend that there is nothing more going on with you and KC. There should be no reason why you can't hang out with KC unless it is taking up lots of time you could be spending with your girlfriend, then it would be a problem. She probably just feels a little threatened, knowing your past and all. It's normal to feel jealous in such a situation, but there shouldn't be any real trust issues.

 

This sort of problem drove my girlfriend away -- I was a little too paranoid and jealous when she went hanging around with ex boyfriends, but it only pushed her away. She has to learn that there is indeed nothing going on. Speaking from experience, being with someone who is comfortable around past "lovers," what I wanted was reassurance. Maybe spending a really romantic week with her would help alleviate her concerns?

 

Other than that it's usually awkward for girlfriends to be in the presence of ex-girlfriends. Maybe keep the two separate until they learn to get along comfortably, if that is the case. She definitely sounds jealous, but sometimes this can be helped and other time it can't, as it is oftentimes the result of preferences and personal views. It just depends on the person.

 

In other words, you're not doing anything wrong, but try to understand where she's coming from if she doesn't share the same views as you do, and try to figure out how to alleviate her concerns appropriately.

[catgirl1927]

I would be just as upset as your girlfriend is. I personally do not believe that you can go backwards in a relationship. You guys have gotten together and fooled around before, and you are spending a LOT of time with this person. I personally think you are in denial about your feelings for KC. If I were her I would break up with you so you could concentrate on your relationship with KC and so that I could find someone who wanted to be with me. But that's just how I would feel.

[MadDog]

This is the classic situation where one person who has an ex as a friend dates someone who doesn't think it's "normal" to do so. Here's my take on the situation:

 

Since you made the effort to be open with her, your girlfriend knew from the beginning that you were friends with an ex. I don't think she has any right to complain at this point because she knew what she was getting into. If it was that big of an issue for her, she should have brought it up before you two became serious.

 

I think it sucks when people start dating someone and they don't say anything in the beginning because they want to get into a more serious relationship with them. Only after they're serious, then they say, "Okay, now that we're serious, I want you to change these things (that I knew about from day one but didn't bother saying anything about)." Total crap.

 

MD

[catgirl1927]

You are right, MD. It's not like he's hidden any of this from her. He's been completely open about how he's gone through all the motions with this girl and friends is where they decided to stay.

 

See, my BF had a friend that was an ex. The only reason I didn't trust the relationship is that he lied to me about who she was and then lied to me about how often he talked to her. Well, they were sort of lies of omission. But he told me he was doing football picks with her, she was really just a friend of a friend. Turns out she was an ex and they broke up badly. She was trying to be "friends" with me, his motives were to just be friends but hers were not.

[MadDog]

You are right, MD. It's not like he's hidden any of this from her. He's been completely open about how he's gone through all the motions with this girl and friends is where they decided to stay.

 

See, my BF had a friend that was an ex. The only reason I didn't trust the relationship is that he lied to me about who she was and then lied to me about how often he talked to her. Well, they were sort of lies of omission. But he told me he was doing football picks with her, she was really just a friend of a friend. Turns out she was an ex and they broke up badly. She was trying to be "friends" with me, his motives were to just be friends but hers were not.

 

I'd understand why in your situation you wouldn't want him to talk to her anymore. He's basically made it impossible to completely trust him when it comes to her. He kept things from you, the biggest being his history with her. Now you're left to wonder if she tries to make a move on him, regardless of whether he responds or not, will he tell you or keep it to himself. That can't be a good feeling.

 

I notice that from my experience, it becomes easy to get into the mode of telling "lies of omission" when the girl I'm with gives me a hard time about stuff. The first few interactions are crucial this way. If I tell my girl something (e.g. some girl was throwing herself at me) and she reacts like it's no big deal, then I'm really encouraged to tell her everything because I know she won't go berserk over every little thing. To contrast, if I tell another girl I'm with the same story and she gets all pissy, then it really becomes a lot easier to just not tell her some things that might upset her if I know it's not a big deal and I'll just get crap from her.

 

The bottom line: if you want your partner to be open and honest with you, you have to not give him or her crap over every little thing. Save the drama for the things that actually matter.

 

MD