blind_otter Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 I need someone to point this out to me. It is good to have emotions. It is good to feel things, right? I have a problem dealing with my emotions. I don't understand a lot of the "feelings" i have - I don't know what they are. Mostly they surface as a tightness in my chest right behind my sternum. It feels like a pulsing heartbeat. I don't know what it is or what it means. I had a flashback night before last to my second rape, and I acknowledged it, got through it, felt like hell. My exH called last night to tell me about the s*** he's in, going back to prison from his work release program for arguing with a guard. I don't know if that has anything to do with it. It felt good to talk to him, I slipped and called him "babe" once during the convo and felt guilty afterwards b/c I know my BF wouldn't like that. I wouldn't like it if he did that with his exW. And then last night we were in bed and he was half asleep and started messing around with his hand between my legs, and I got upset. I think it triggered some kind of emotional memory. I don't like it when anyone touches me in a sexual way when I'm half asleep or passed out, I will wake up screaming and crying. I assume because of the rapes or molestation. He apologized this morning and said he was half asleep and sometimes he doesn't remember all the details about my issues, which is totally cool and understandeable. I SHOULD be able to feel OK, now, but I just don't and I don't know why. I don't know what I feel. Uncomfortable. Anxious. Jittery. Nervous. I keep jumping and looking over my shoulder. That's all I can think of right now. I've been bringing up a lot of stuff in therapy and I guess this may have something to do with it. Whenever I go through this in therapy my whole life seems to be affected by bringing it all up to the surface again. I actually said out loud, I hate being sober...this morning I felt that way. When I was using I never felt all these feelings. If I did, that tightness or the heartbeat behind my sternum, I would numb myself. Distance myself from my emotions. Pretend I had no emotions. When I was little I used to idolize Mr. Spock. I wanted to be like those vulcans -- have no emotion whatsoever, it seems to make sense to me...it would make everything easier. I think to myself, but this is flawed logic.
KittenMoon Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 It makes me so sad when I hear about what you've gone through- it puts my problems in perspective. You've gone through what no woman should EVER have to experience. But you're obviously so strong to have moved into new relationships after it. I remember reading something Tori Amos said concerning her rape, and her sometimes discomfort and fear with her boyfriend. She said that whenever she got upset or skittish around his affections, he would say to her "I am not him." It's ok to have emotions. All of them, from happiness to misery. Right now one of the hardest things for me to deal with through my break-up is the fact that my ex made me feel like a fool for having strong emotions. But I know they make me a better person- I will always experience the good emotions stronger than him because I also experience the sad emotions far more powerfully. You happinesses will always be grander if your sadnesses are so painful. Also know that every strong, self-respecting woman is standing with you and working to move closer to the day when none of us have to go through what you've had to.
Author blind_otter Posted March 24, 2006 Author Posted March 24, 2006 Thank you for the kind words, moon. It does help me to read this. I get lost inside my own head sometimes and all I can see is this huge pulsating discomfort in front of me and I spend all my energy trying to get around it or over it....when the reality is that the obstacle is just an illusion, and I can pass right through it if I look at it the right way. Like in labyrinth when Sarah is first in the maze, and can't find any turns or twists until the little worm tells her that she isn't looking at things the right way. She keeps running and running, exhausting herself, even though she has single-minded determination. I needed help to look at it the right way, so I could pass through it, and you did just that. Bless you, you did a good deed today.
amaysngrace Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 I SHOULD be able to feel OK, now, but I just don't and I don't know why. B_O, i'm so sorry for how you're feeling right now. i really am. healing is a process and unfortunately the process is still occuring. you are a very strong, bright woman. i'm sure if this were something you could find answers to in a book, you'd have it kicked by now, certainly. i think that feeling behind your sternum is anxiety. i get that too. and my heart races at times. you know what you have to do. you have to feel these awful BS feelings. you can't rationalize your way out, or read your way out, and especially you can't be doped up and drunk to make them go away. it sucks, i know. but every day you go through is one day closer to being healed. i may not know you very well but i think you would be rather P.O.ed with yourself if you went down a bad road to hide, you know? and on a bright note: don't you have a vacation coming up?? i'm jealous...wish i did
KittenMoon Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Otter- you made my day just by referencing Labrynth! David Bowie- tight pants!
Art_Critic Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 I hate being sober...this morning I felt that way. **Hugs ** It is okay to feel this way.. just remember that you will get thru today just fine without drinking/using and deal with tommorrow tommorrow. There will come a day that you won't feel this way however.. Try and remember that and keep it close.
Author blind_otter Posted March 24, 2006 Author Posted March 24, 2006 **Hugs ** It is okay to feel this way.. just remember that you will get thru today just fine without drinking/using and deal with tommorrow tommorrow. There will come a day that you won't feel this way however.. Try and remember that and keep it close. When I got to work I sat down and said, I feel weak today and want to get fvked up - God help me find the strength I need. And somehow, it seems to be helping. Thank you Art.
Author blind_otter Posted March 24, 2006 Author Posted March 24, 2006 you know what you have to do. you have to feel these awful BS feelings. you can't rationalize your way out, or read your way out, and especially you can't be doped up and drunk to make them go away. it sucks, i know. but every day you go through is one day closer to being healed. i may not know you very well but i think you would be rather P.O.ed with yourself if you went down a bad road to hide, you know? and on a bright note: don't you have a vacation coming up?? i'm jealous...wish i did You're on the button, Amay. Sitting with my feelings, who have been neglected for so long, is like dealing with an unruly child. Gets on my nerves, have to steel myself to do it, but afterwards I feel like I accomplished something. I know I've been down, I didn't clean my house this week at all and it looks like a tornado touched down in my bedroom. And yes, I have a vacation coming up. decided to drop a bunch of stops and just stay in Tuscany for 2 weeks in a house I found and rented (hopefully, I have to wire a deposit to an italian bank tomorrow. That should be an adventure in financial craziness).
tanbark813 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 When I was little I used to idolize Mr. Spock. I wanted to be like those vulcans -- have no emotion whatsoever, it seems to make sense to me...it would make everything easier. I think to myself, but this is flawed logic. Didn't Vulcans actually have very strong emotions but they all controlled themselves through cold logic? I thought that was the reason Spock didn't want to do that mind meld with Kirk because he thought it would make him go crazy, which it almost did.
Author blind_otter Posted March 24, 2006 Author Posted March 24, 2006 Didn't Vulcans actually have very strong emotions but they all controlled themselves through cold logic? I thought that was the reason Spock didn't want to do that mind meld with Kirk because he thought it would make him go crazy, which it almost did. The romulans have the strong emotions, the vulcans split from them because some ancestor realized the emotions were what was f***ing them up. Spock was just weird b/c he was half human.
tanbark813 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 The romulans have the strong emotions, the vulcans split from them because some ancestor realized the emotions were what was f***ing them up. Spock was just weird b/c he was half human. Ahhhh, okay, that was it.
CaliGuy Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 blind otter, the tightness in your chest is anxiety. Have you been to a Counselor? I believe they can recommend some anti-anxiety medication. I've taken anti-depressents before (just to get me through a month or so of feeling down) and they seem to work ok. But the best medicine I've found is EXERCISING. Trust me, it makes you feel good!
amaysngrace Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 I have a vacation coming up. decided to drop a bunch of stops and just stay in Tuscany for 2 weeks in a house I found and rented (hopefully, I have to wire a deposit to an italian bank tomorrow. That should be an adventure in financial craziness). can you take me with you?? pleeeaaase?? my kid's will be okay...they are used to fending for themselves ever since i got hooked up with LS...pleeeaaase????
Author blind_otter Posted March 24, 2006 Author Posted March 24, 2006 can you take me with you?? pleeeaaase?? my kid's will be okay...they are used to fending for themselves ever since i got hooked up with LS...pleeeaaase???? A large trunk. Start working on your flexibility.
Author blind_otter Posted March 24, 2006 Author Posted March 24, 2006 blind otter, the tightness in your chest is anxiety. Have you been to a Counselor? I believe they can recommend some anti-anxiety medication. I've taken anti-depressents before (just to get me through a month or so of feeling down) and they seem to work ok. But the best medicine I've found is EXERCISING. Trust me, it makes you feel good! Yep, only talk therapy. I can't take SSRIs. Seizures. And no way in heck I will touch benzodiazepines like xanax, valium, or klonopin. Those are dirty drugs. Big no no for alcoholics.
amaysngrace Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 But the best medicine I've found is EXERCISING. Trust me, it makes you feel good! yeah, okay CaliGuy, she can't even clean her house and you want her to pump iron??
littlekitty Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Hey BO! I'm glad you've made it through the day. Just wanted to wish you a good weekend... keep up the great work. And boy am I jealous... a house in Tuscany for 2 weeks...!! Budge over amaysgrace and thing 1 and thing 2 ( ), I'm coming....!!!!
Art_Critic Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Those are dirty drugs. Big no no for alcoholics. ^ five.. it is so nice and refreshing to hear someone talk about taking something that wakes up the Alcoholic Sytem.. Good for you.. All kinds of things do.. including most Anestesia products.. any medicine in liquid form that is alcohol based.. Nyquil. etc.. I have a whole book on the subject.. it is great as well as the Vitamin side of recovery as well.
KittenMoon Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 What do y'all think of anti-depressants? I'm having serious anxiety every day- tight chest, heart beats, various digestive issues, that slightly tingly feeling in my cheeks and forehead. etc? Personally, I wanna avoid them at all cost, because my ex thought I needed them, which in reality was just him trying to find a quick-fix for our very two-sided problems. I REALLY don't want to take them, I'm considering talk therapy, but I just don't know when this anxiety is going to subside!
Author blind_otter Posted March 24, 2006 Author Posted March 24, 2006 It's so cheap to do it, if you go directly through the owner. I was going to camp in italy for cheap, but this was such a good deal. Cheaper than the hotels in the city and I get my own pool and a fireplace in the kitchen? WHHHHAAAA??? You can PM me for a link, there's a site that has listings all over the world. I am giddy from emailing back and forth with the owner. I get these broken english emails and find myself replying back to her in broken english, hoping she'll understand better.
Author blind_otter Posted March 24, 2006 Author Posted March 24, 2006 ^ five.. it is so nice and refreshing to hear someone talk about taking something that wakes up the Alcoholic Sytem.. Good for you.. All kinds of things do.. including most Anestesia products.. any medicine in liquid form that is alcohol based.. Nyquil. etc.. I have a whole book on the subject.. it is great as well as the Vitamin side of recovery as well. My sponsor had a photocopied sheet. I'm taking zinc, B, C, and folic acid (because I'm a lady in my childbearing years, ) She said years of getting wasted will seriously deplete s*** and make you even more crazy. What's the book title?
Author blind_otter Posted March 24, 2006 Author Posted March 24, 2006 What do y'all think of anti-depressants? I'm having serious anxiety every day- tight chest, heart beats, various digestive issues, that slightly tingly feeling in my cheeks and forehead. etc? Personally, I wanna avoid them at all cost, because my ex thought I needed them, which in reality was just him trying to find a quick-fix for our very two-sided problems. I REALLY don't want to take them, I'm considering talk therapy, but I just don't know when this anxiety is going to subside! I can't take anti-depressants, but it may help you...
Art_Critic Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 My sponsor had a photocopied sheet. I'm taking zinc, B, C, and folic acid (because I'm a lady in my childbearing years, ) She said years of getting wasted will seriously deplete s*** and make you even more crazy. What's the book title? Perfect..Your Sponsor is a good one I don't have it in front of me.. I'll get the info later on when I get home and let ya know..
littlekitty Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Ha... why do we do things like that??? I always raise my voice, and try to simulate their accent. WTF do I think that's going to do to help them? I just sound like a rather loud fake half wit!!!! Awww it just sounds beautiful... I'll PM you!! I love open fires! You can just lose yourself looking at the fire play away....! And a swimming pool... what bliss. You're going to have a fab time, and boy do you deserve a treat!
CaliGuy Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Yep, only talk therapy. I can't take SSRIs. Seizures. And no way in heck I will touch benzodiazepines like xanax, valium, or klonopin. Those are dirty drugs. Big no no for alcoholics. Then like I said in my most recent guide, Endorphins are the best drug for people with anxiety and depression. They make ya feel good. As Robin Williams once said "Man you don't need cocaine! If you want to feel that high (and it's completely free), take up marathon running!"
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