is this rude?

[bebegal]

Just wondering.. my boyfriend was complaining of how busy he was etc etc. so I did his laundry and dishes for him. He walks into his place and is like thanks! BUT.. next time can you use the special detergent for the dark wash, place the dryer on low heat and palce the glass dishes on the top only.... I flipped out.. would you? He said I need to take constructive critisism and he does nto want his things to get ruined.. and he is letting me know so that next time..if there is a next time I will do it properly. I told him there will not be a next time.. How woudl you react

[933KJL]

Well this is a tricky situation. He is a BF so you invaded his "domain" and tried to do a favor. You did not do it the way he likes so he told you. What if he came into your house with good intentions and washed your lingerie with your jeans because he did not know better?

 

He should have handled the "reprimand" differently though--"hey, thanks so much for trying to help me out, I do appreciate it, but next time, let me know and I can show you where the detergent I like to use for the darks is kept." or something a little less confrontational.

[Art_Critic]

next time can you use the special detergent for the dark wash, place the dryer on low heat and palce the glass dishes on the top only....

 

Here is my take on it..

 

On the laundry I think he had every right to say what he did.. it is the care of his clothes that he is talking about.. the special detergent and the low heat is not an unreasonable request because it is all about how to take care of his property..

No different than if he did your laundry and washed the whites and colors together and you told him not too..

 

The glass dishes is over the top.. he was being a jerk about it..

My guess though is that he was already upset of the laundry deal that he felt a little threatened and reacted about the dishes..

 

He might have reacted that way also so that you don't do it again..

maybe he feels like he doesn't want you to do those things and he feels that you stepped over the line with his stuff

[bebegal]

that is true. Thanks both of your for your replies. Just trying to see the other side of it.

 

I am always lying on his couch and he always asks me to help him clean up or straighten up... but even with that if I throw away any trash he looks through the bag to make sure nothing important was not trashed. I mean why should I waste my time..but he is the type of person who would appear to want me to do this for him(help him out)..I am trying to show him I will "eventually" in the far future.. .that I can be a good house wife..and I am not lazy..but it makes it so hard to help someone who goes back to assess everything you have done(the laundry, the trash, the dishes.) I just wonder what will happen in the future if we are living together how the chores will get done

[933KJL]

First of all don't go over the top with the "oh look what a good housewife I will be" routine because he will run. At this stage, he wants a lover, not a maid. He sounds a bit set in his ways and if it ver comes to marraige, that is where the are of compromise comes into play.

 

If you are set on these types fo domestic favors---tell him and then ask him. "Hey, I know you are working hard, and if I have the time, I would love to help you out--how do you like your laundry done, folded, etc."

 

He may be set in his ways (we all are to a degree) and sees this as someone coming in and screwing up the system. Sort of like when the car wash attendant changes the station on your car radio...not a huge deal, but an annoyance. I recently switched carwashes to a place that just turns the radio off.

[littlekitty]

Yep I agree, he just sounds like he's lived by himself for a while and like things done the way he does them. Coming from someone who lived alone for 8 years, I can certainly relate. So yes, he could have approached it better, but I think he had a right to say how he liked things done.

 

When my SO started spending more and more time at my house, he started helping out around the place. I had to make comments to him about how he was doing things. We knew we were going to be living together eventually (we are now) and he had to learn how things worked in the house! I wasn't bossy or confrontational about it. Just loving words of encouragement to show him the right way.

 

I no longer have to re wash-up everything he washed up, nor does it take me 10 minutes to find anything in the kitchen because he's moved it all around again! He knows you don't use the tea towel to wipe up spills on the floor, and that the ashtray is NOT a rubbish bin!!

 

I of course, have also compromised and learnt to do somethings the way he likes them!!!

[justagirliegirl]

It may be just his way of doing things but it also might be a red flag that he has the potential to be a nitpicking nag where nothing you do is ever good enough.

 

I would lay off the housework. I think this is how women set themselves up to end up doing everything around the house while the guy watches tv and doesn't lift a finger to do anything.

[magda]

He doesn't sound too unreasonable. All the same, why not prove you're a good housewife by having him over to your domain. Surely it is not all in shambles and will prove that you are not lazy?

[nicki]

Well, the first thing out of his mouth was "thanks," so that's a good sign. At least he didn't immediately launch into the whole "you did it wrong" thing.

 

But you are right. He should care more about your feelings than getting the job done HIS way. And, of course you want to know how he likes it done, just not right then.

 

It's like with kids. They mop the floor (badly.) You happily praise the effort. Then you go remop the floor later. If you don't praise the effort, they will never do it again. They will only hear the criticism if you say "Well, you used the wrong cleaner."

 

It's like sex, too. You wouldn't say:

 

"Wow, honey thanks for the oral. But I like a different kind of tongue action and I need to go on top. "

 

Yeah, we women would know that's NOT the time to bring it. We would praise his effort. Bring it up later. Redirect him the next time "he washed the dishes."

 

He could have told you later what kind of detergent, etc....but no big deal. Kind of reminds me of what my mom always said:

 

"Notice the roses on the table, not the dust."

[littlekitty]

Well, the first thing out of his mouth was "thanks," so that's a good sign. At least he didn't immediately launch into the whole "you did it wrong" thing.

 

But you are right. He should care more about your feelings than getting the job done HIS way. And, of course you want to know how he likes it done, just not right then.

 

It's like with kids. They mop the floor (badly.) You happily praise the effort. Then you go remop the floor later. If you don't praise the effort, they will never do it again. They will only hear the criticism if you say "Well, you used the wrong cleaner."

 

It's like sex, too. You wouldn't say:

 

"Wow, honey thanks for the oral. But I like a different kind of tongue action and I need to go on top. "

 

Yeah, we women would know that's NOT the time to bring it. We would praise his effort. Bring it up later. Redirect him the next time "he washed the dishes."

 

He could have told you later what kind of detergent, etc....but no big deal. Kind of reminds me of what my mom always said:

 

"Notice the roses on the table, not the dust."

 

Very much so!! I never blundered on in there telling him he was doing it wrong.

 

For ages I actually thanked him so much and then later just re-washed things!!

 

It was only when he noticed me doing this, that I admitted it wasn't always a top notch job, and that he just had to learn a few tips. Like re-fill the basin half way through with clean, hot water!! Don't keep washing in the brown water with bits in!!

[bebegal]

wow thanks for all of the replies!! I had a good laugh. I do feel better now. Just wanted some outside opinions.