I'm not jealous, but...

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I'm not exactly sure how to start, so I'll just give the background first.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for about half a year now. We're very, very in love, and very, very happy. He has a friend--let's call her #. He and # have been friends for years, since high school. My boyfriend told me that he and # had a sexual fling a couple years back; they didn't have sex, but did other sexual things (or at least, she did things for him). She initiated it, because I suppose she had a crush on him, but it wasn't mutual (but really, what guy would turn doen free sexual deeds?). This happened twice in a week or so, and finally he stopped it because it felt wrong and whatnot. They've remained friends, and have never spoken of the incident since. He's told very few people about it, and I'm the only one that knows #'s identity. He told me pretty much right after I met her, and before hearing this, I thought nothing of her.

 

First of all, I know my boyfriend would never cheat on me. Second of all, if he had ever wanted her, he could have had her years ago, but he doesn't. Third of all (if I needed any more enforcement), she's...well, not attractive, and he points that out willingly, that I am in a whole seperate dimension than her, looks-wise. So none of that bothers me. But there is something in the situation that DOES bother me, though I can't exactly put my finger on what. They're superficially pretty good friends, and I don't really care if they hang out, but I know they'll never have a deep, "real" friendship after the incident (I mean, if they can't even talk about it, there's no way they're going to come to terms with it).

 

It's not that I want them to stop being friends. I know their friendship is harmless to our relationship. But is it wrong of me to always have this strange, slightly awkward feeling around her now?

[amerikajin]

First of all, I know my boyfriend would never cheat on me.

 

 

Okay, look, just admit it, there's a part of you that is slightly insecure about their combination of a sexual history and current friendship. That's a normal feeling, so you're not strange. What I would do is just pay careful attention to your boyfriend's behavior and interaction with her - maybe lay down some ground rules if necessary. I think your boyfriend should never see her when you're not around - that's just asking for trouble. But there's no reason why you all couldn't hang out in a group together.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Thanks for the input, amerikajin. I just don't feel right putting restrictions on a friendship that started long before I ever met him, you know? The three of us have hung out once since I learned about the incident (on St. Patrick's day, actually), and as far as he sees her, she's another guy. He is just as sweet to me around her as he is any other time. I'm really not insecure, but you're right, I don't like the feeling of him having a past sexual relationship with her. But is there really anything I can do short of restricting when he sees her?

[amerikajin]

I think the best thing to do is try first seeing if everyone's okay with doing something as a group. I mean, there may be some minor exceptions to that, like if they happen to run into each other somewhere by coincidence or something along those lines. But I think you could privately share your concerns with your boyfriend and just see if he'd go along with the idea of doing things in a group. If it were me, I'd think you'd be within your rights to ask for that. There's never such a thing as 'just friends' once the sexual threshold has been crossed, so you're not being outrageously jealous here. I would not ask him to cut her out altogether unless she's done something that would warrant that.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Well, the problem with that is I go to university out of town, and they go to college back home in the same city, so it's pretty rare that I can see both of them (I'm lucky enough jsut to see my boyfriend).

[amerikajin]

Well, that complicates matters a bit. You just have to go on the honor system in that situation. Same rules apply, though.

[Art_Critic]

they didn't have sex, but did other sexual things (or at least, she did things for him). She initiated it, because I suppose she had a crush on him, but it wasn't mutual (but really, what guy would turn doen free sexual deeds?). This happened twice in a week or so, and finally he stopped it because it felt wrong and whatnot.

 

Bunk...

 

I suppose this is the info he told you ?

 

Why not ask her.. you might hear a different story..

 

Amerikajin is right once the sexual threshold has been crossed their no such thing as just friends..

 

Do as Amerikajin sujjested and lay down the ground rules or boundaries.. start by explaining to your bf about how it makes yor feel..

If he loves you he will make changes in his relationship with her.

 

I have made those kind of changes before with my long time high school friend for my then wife becuase she had some insecurity over our relationship.. but after she explained to me how she felt I made the adjustments needed

[Delectable]

Bunk...

 

I suppose this is the info he told you ?

 

Why not ask her.. you might hear a different story..

 

Amerikajin is right once the sexual threshold has been crossed their no such thing as just friends..

 

Do as Amerikajin sujjested and lay down the ground rules or boundaries.. start by explaining to your bf about how it makes yor feel..

If he loves you he will make changes in his relationship with her.

 

I have made those kind of changes before with my long time high school friend for my then wife becuase she had some insecurity over our relationship.. but after she explained to me how she felt I made the adjustments needed

 

you are absolutely right AC

[Guest]

Why not ask her.. you might hear a different story..

I'd love to, but it was a secret that my boyfriend told me in confidence. If she found out I knew, it could cause problems.

 

What he says isn't unbelievable though--he's a good looking guy, and she's not a good-looking girl, so why wouldn't she like him and he not reciprocate? (Considering they were in/just out of high school, so that was probably the most important factor of it). Besides, I trust him. He's not the sort to lie.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Why not ask her.. you might hear a different story..

I'd love to, but it was a secret that my boyfriend told me in confidence. If she found out I knew, it could cause problems.

 

What he says isn't unbelievable though--he's a good looking guy, and she's not a good-looking girl, so why wouldn't she like him and he not reciprocate? (Considering they were in/just out of high school, so that was probably the most important factor of it). Besides, I trust him. He's not the sort to lie.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Ps, sorry for posting twice

[PlentyLV007]

OMG...U sound like me 7 years ago....I was seeing my ex-boyfriend at the time when him and his "best friend" hooked up. He didn't tell me till after they have already stopped seeing each other. He said he didn't tell me because he knew he would end up loosing me. He thought right. After he told me I didn't talk to him for about 3 months. Then we started seeing each other and they still remained friends. He wouldn't go anywhere w/ his friends if she was around because he knew how I felt about her and that I didn't trust him around her. The sad part is that I was her friend too....

 

He hid it from me for so long. Now of course it's been 2 years that we've been broken up...and well they are friends again. Close like they use to be.

 

It doesn't matter to me now because I don't talk to him nor her but all I can say is that just watch him and if you trust him then you'll be okay. I never trusted my ex the same after that. Even when we got back toghether. It didnt matter. I think once trust is broken it's never mended back the same.

[carmaenforcer]

I'm with PlentyLV007 on this one.

 

 

I have a situation similar to this one in my relationship with my W. She has this guy friend (Lets call him $) from middle school that she admitted to me at one time when we were first dating that she had feelings for $. I also found out that $ had feeling for her, $ told my W's Best Girl Friend (BGF) and she told my W, this was also found out when my W and I were first dating.

Back then she would regularly get together with her BGF and $ and hang out, getting together mostly for coffee and talk, a hookah lounge a few times.

I had my reservations about her relationship with $ because I didn't like the fact that they had these feelings for each other and the obvious sexual tension, so thick you could cut it with a knife when they were together.

I, like I Luv the Chariot OH, didn't want to start tripping over nothing or having to tell my girl friend at the time whom she could call friend.

That all changed very quickly.

You see, when we were first dating she was bouncing between me and another guy her high school Boy Friend (cheating on him with me) I met her when they were broken up but fell in love with her and couldn't let her go after they made up. Nasty, tricky situation. She would later leave him move in with me and then cheat on me with him. This went of for about a year break up with me about three times claiming she wanted to just be single, not be with me or her High School BF, just date. This, and the fact that 6 out of her 8 guy friends were all Boy Friends at one time or another during her Jr. High years. $ was one of her first Boy Friends, she claims they never had sex but she also admitted to me that if she was with no one and he was with no one that she might want to hook up with him. Like I said she was back and forth between me and her High School BF for the first year or so of us being in a relationship, if you can call it that. During one of those breaking up just to be single she went out on a one on one date with $. During this one week break up she not only went out with $, but then one of $'s friends, this other "guy friend" of hers (one of the 8 from Jr. High) and one of this guys friends, on top of that she went out with her ex (High School BF) too.

This week that she went out with $ and those other 4 guys came about a week after she had admitted to me that if he was with no body ________, you know. After she had told me this he breaks up with his GF and then I think the next day, my then GF was breaking up with me. I brought up the fact that she was only doing this to make herself free since he is single now, she denied it of coarse but then a week later I find out I was right.

 

Anyway, sorry for the rambling, but I obviously have hurt feelings about that time in our relationship.

 

After all this and I also found out that her and $ got close during a period of time when her BGF and her were not talking and it was $ and her going out doing things together.

I put my foot down then and told her I don't want them to hang out anymore. She fought me and threatened to leave if I made her make that decision and so I caved and settled for her not being able to kick it with him without me there, like amerikajin recommended you do. This went on for a few months and during this time I got to see the way they interacted, of coarse they would both be on their best behavior because I was there but even though my W (then GF) could not help but act flirty and star struck around him, I noticed the same thing from her BGF. I also found out that these two girls made $ leave his GF at home, refusing to kick it with him unless he was by himself. I thought what kind of sick friend threesome did I stumble across here!

I have to say though that I got nothing but respect form him and he almost seemed annoyed by the way the acted all puppy lovish around him.

That's when I knew, $ wasn't so much the problem as was my GF.

Then my W's BGF did something to mess everything up, she told $ that I didn't like him (not true I actually did like the $ as a person I just didn't like my W's infatuation for $) but then he of coarse felt uncomfortable around me and when my GF (now W) found out about this she cut me out of their outings again. They only had two more outing after this point and then he joined the Military and went away for three months. My GF and I had been doing pretty good besides her and her girl friends fighting over $, and she actually had proposed to me before $ joined the Military. When he got back he married his GF and moved 2 hours away, my W and him have only talked once since and them hanging out hasn't even come up, yet..

I still had my reservations toward this weird infatuation my GF/Fiancée and her BGF had with $ and the night before our wedding I asked her if she still planned to cut me out of their outing now that I was going to be her husband and she promised me that no, that BS was all done. If her BGF had any issue with me being there she would have to just get over it. Wow.

 

I say, be completely honest with yourself and how you really feel, it's ok and normal if it bothers you, and fight for what you want.

[Mary3]

I think he is feeding you a butt load of cra* !

 

He used to be intimate with her and now he wants you to hang around and accept it and he still wants to see her ?

 

I see trouble here .

 

He HAS not ended whatever it is they had plain and simple. I am not saying they are doing anything but emotionally he decided to keep close to her.

 

Are you going to accept that ? And when I say accept I am not talking about you making conditions or threats. I am talking about your soul. They will likely never end their friendship. You will lose.

 

I am saying 3 ways don't work for me and if ( and it did happen once ) they choose to be bud buddys there is not alot you can do about it except to get out of the relationship.

 

I had to do that .