anyone?

[bourbonbaby]

i have been with my partner for 2 years and 5 months we have been living together for the past 1 year and 7 months.2 weeks ago out of the blue he said that he wanted to move back to his parents house but he still wanted to stay together.he changed his mind 2 days later and wanted to stay living together and try to save money.we had a great week together then he came home one day after a walk and said that he was moving to his parents and that it was over he said that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone and left. The next day he came for clothes and wouldn't tell me anything. i finally sat him down and he said that he still loves me and cares deeply for me and is finding it really hard to leave. (so confused by this time) not understanding why he was making this decision. he then said that he would like us to be friends i asked him if it was a break and he said he wasn't sure so i put it towards him we'll see how he feels in a couple of weeks after clearing his head.he still turned around and said that he can't promise to feel any different and probably won't want anything more than friendship. i asked him what i did wrong he said nothing it's not you it's me. he said our relationship was perfect and so was i. he was fed up with work that is still not a reason to end it.we also had a joint loan together and the other day he made me go in with him and split it up he's doing everything so fast it doesn't even seem like he's considering a break.i don't understand how can we be friends after being together for 2 years i can't turn off my love for him. it has been a week and it's driving me crazy not knowing why he's not telling me anything more

can anyone give me any advice?

thanks

[Guest]

hi .. after reading u r post ... i feel like he has met some1 else.. and he cant express dat to you.. and probably he is feeling guilty about it too inside.... so best way is to run away.. like a coward.. coz obviously if he told he .. abt da some1 else.. u wud be mad.. and i dont think he wants 2 deal wid tat.. so this way he gets out easy... no reason.. no need.. he gets away scott free saying its not u its me.. and no matter wat u ask him.. he will jus play it sayin its all me.. not your fault.. u r nice person blah blah... so i think u should try asking him again once and for all.. why is he doin it? wats da reason..? watever da reason may be .. it would be helpful if he told u.. tell him dat.. and inspite of tat he continues.. to behave this way .. den am sorry u just have 2 let him go sweetheart... if he is just confused.. maybe givin him space.. he will realise he loves u and mite come back.. but honestly i dont think he is coming back.... seeing u r post .. abt his lame reasons.. abt him rushin things fast i feel he justs wants 2 run away from u .. and not explain.. anything... if he acts like da way he is.. after bein wid u for so long.. then u desrver better.. not a coward who runs away... pls be strong... and give things time.. times a big healer.. good luck

[bourbonbaby]

i have asked him why he is doin this hundreds of times and he still replies with the same stuff. he isn't the kind of bloke to do the dirty plus he doesn't really have the time to. he works all the time he barely had any time for me so i don't see him having time to find anyone else. (well i hope not) he still wants to see me once a week to stay friends and he said we'll see what happens from there i just don't understand how it's so easy for him to want to be friends after 2 years and not want more at the moment. i have agreed at the moment to see him once a week cos of our animals they're going crazy looking for him so i at least want them to see him to calm down.

[serial muse]

Hm, well actually I don't get a 'cheating' vibe from this story. Sounds like it's more of a 'where am I going with my life' issue for him, mixed in apparently with some serious issues about money. I would wonder what exactly is going on with him and work. Something is definitely up there. Fired? Pay cut? Hates his job? Expecting a pink slip? Going into debt? Not paying off debt?

 

Any of that seem likely?

 

Regardless, there doesn't seem to be much that you can do about it. (Frustrating, I know.) It especially sucks that he sprang this on you out of the blue. For you, it's been a week; for him, much longer, more likely. I'd guess he's been pondering this for a while. It's up to you whether you want to settle for friends, but it sounds pretty crappy to me. After more than two years together, he should have at least kept you in the loop with whatever's going on with him (considering how serious it apparently is), not just because of your relationship, but also because there are financial considerations. You've been living together for a year and a half - presumably, you have a lease to deal with - and you have a joint loan together, and he suddenly wants to move back home and leave you in the lurch??? That's really selfish behavior. Not only do you not do that to your SO, you don't do that crap to your friends, either. You might mention that to him, next time the "friends" issue comes up.

[tigger]

Oh, my heart is totally breaking for you. Confusion with pain is so damaging to your mental health. I am glad to hear you have some fur babies to keep you company while you are going through such a painful time.

 

I'm sorry, I do get a cheating vibe out of the story, but feeling like it was a one time thing and two things are happening. 1. He can't deal with telling you, and rather than go through the pain of hurting you with that truth, he feels leaving is more beneficial. Sadly, it's easier to have an answer in situations like these, but truth is, I believe he loves you! 2. The situation has brought to light something within himself he doesn't like, which is confusing as well. His consistently changing his mind, then changing it back....it's his emotions playing with his head, and they are at full war.

 

With all that, I want to give you some strength for yourself. You need to back off from the situation and quit allowing him all the power. I don't like to use the word power, because it's not a power thing. But if you allow him to come and see you whenever he wants, or allow him to make all decisions, you are losing yourself and allowing him to play with your heart while he's trying to figure out his.

 

Start making him make appointments with you to see the animals. Assuming he no longer has the ability to get into your place, try not being home some time you think he might be coming over. I'm not trying to say start playing game with him, because I truly feel he is confused himself. But I'm hoping you are able to not lose yourself into something that might end up not being the right thing anyway. "Everything happens for a reason".

 

After my 13 year relationship with my boyfriend ended because he started an affair with my best friend - I thought all hope was lost. He kept me on a string for 9 months. Honestly one day it was as though a light bulb went off in my head and I knew I needed to take back my life and move on. That was nearly three years ago. I now have an awesome fiance who treats me so wonderfully. He's everything I've ever dreamed a man could be.

 

I don't think your partner is mean spirited, I don't think he's trying to hurt you in any way. But some times confusion clouds our judgements and decisions. Either way, you should also take this time to find out some things about yourself.

 

Being alone can be lonely, but being with someone and feeling alone is even lonelier! I say this because I know the emptiness you are probably feeling right now. But say in two month your partner decides to move back in with you. You are going to consistently be second guessing yourself. Walking around on egg shells and hoping you don't do anything to make them leave again. That is not the life you want. Find yourself and your strength so when/if your partner does move back in you can still be you and enjoy your relationship together!

 

Take care of you first!!!!!

[bourbonbaby]

thanks for all your advice.

i'm still confused about the way he's doing things though.

he's saying he loves me and he misses me and the vibe i keep getting from him when he's talking to me is that he really doesn't want to be doing this. so i really don't understand why then. it is something i have never been through before. i have always had a reason to be breaking up with a partner and this is so hard not having any reasons at all just for the fact that he still loves me but would prefer to be on his own. he told me the other day that this is who he is but i know him better than that and it isn't him he normally is a very sweet and loving man and would never expected behaviour like this from him. i don't know if it's someone in his ear telling him he's better off without me or if it really is something that he wants.

i'm getting to used to the idea of not being with him but it's still kind of hard. i will be moving out in a weeks time and he will be coming over to see the animals once a week and i recon that will be the hardest thing to do. i will have to be strong and show him that i am fine without him.

it's just really hard to let go we had something so special and it's hard to believe that it's all ended so quickly for no reason.

i would really like to thank those who have replied and giving me advice on this whole matter and will let you know how things go for us while we are trying to remain as friends.

 

kind regards

[kaunis]

Oh, I really feel for you. I'm so sorry. My bf broke up with me too, recently, after one year. I know it is very confusing, but especially men can be like that. I read this on another website, dunno who wrote it but it really gave me comfort: Sometimes a break is needed, but it leaves the person who "doesn't need a break" heartbroken, wondering, "what did I do wrong? Why doesn't he want to be with me? What do I do now?" If you can search deep down in your heart, and you know you love this person with everything you have in your heart and soul, then you should give them respect and let them fly for a while. They may want to date others, and it may awaken them to realize that there is nothing better than you, or it may make them see that life is better without you. The hardest part of a break is "not knowing." You never know when that moment may come when your partner calls and says "I Miss you I can't Live Without You I'm So SOrry." It may never come, either because he really doesn't feel for you the way he used to, or the person is addicted to the feelings that come with the beginning of a relationship (the elating "in-love" feelings) and doesn't think that should ever change, or the person needs to "grow-up" in a sense, and witness life on their own, or the person is scared of commitment, or another reason is that the person has been hurt before (maybe even by you) and is scared to open up completely so that their love for you can shine through. People can live their life in a way where their love for others is obscured by other things they do. Your partner may have to search deep deep deep down for a long long long time to find you in his/her heart, but once true love starts, there is no ending. True love is a cycle, like the life cycle, there is no true beginning and no true end, it's just who you are, who you will always be. God doesn't just hand out love coupons, it's not something u win in a drawing, God gives us all the chance to love and it is up to us to work on that chance, believe in that chance, and understand that love evolves, changes, and gets deeper (and scary sometimes) but that it is a risk well worth taking to be with the one we TRULY love. If it is true, it will be. Take care!

[bourbonbaby]

well he came over yesterday and we sat down and had a big talk. i have decided to do the friends thing and see how he feels in a while i know it will hurt and it will hurt even more that in time he decides he still doesn't want anything and to remain as just friends but it's a risk that i will have to take.

i think we did a big mistake though we had sex yesterday and altought it was great i probably shouldn't have done so. i just love him too much and it was a way to be together but i know it was wrong cos it only makes me want him more. i'm not sure that if in time he will change his mind but he says he doesn't want anyone else or to have sex with anyone else so at least thats a sign that he still wants that with me i guess (a weird one at that. lol)

we're going to see each other once a week to go out and have fun doing things together hopefully that will liven us up and change his views.

what do you guys think?

[serial muse]

Well...I vote against friends, because it's really not what you want. And at the moment, it sounds like you're not actually going to be just friends, you're setting up to be FWB, which sounds like worlds of heartache for you. Spare yourself that pain.

 

But you didn't really mention what you talked about in the big talk. Did he talk at all about what's actually going on with him, why he wants this, why he wants to move home, etc.?

[bourbonbaby]

well our big talk was just about how he wants us to remain as friends and see how we feel in a while. he still hasn't told me any other reasons for leaving so i'm still sooooo confused about everything really. moving the last of my things today so it's really killing me at the moment.

i just really hope that he changes his mind

[hurtbeyondwords]

I would give him lots of space right now untill he is ready to tell you the true meaning of him leaving. He sounds very confused. Give him time to figure things out. Being in the mix when he is dealing with things never works. I wish you the best, I know how hard it can be.

[bourbonbaby]

i still don't understand everyone is saying that he needs time so give it to him. but he wants to see me once or twice a week if time is what he wants then why does he want to continue seeing me?

this whole deal is racking my brain and sending me insane cos all i can do is sit here and think what did i do to make him not want me anymore and i know i shouldn't be thinking that but i can't help it. one day he is perfectly fine with me the next he acts like he's so angry with me as if i've done something wrong. then he's fine again. he told me what's done is done and there's no turning back now. do you think that he might regret what he's done but wants to be a man and stick to his desicion cos that is the vibe i keep getting from him. i'm hurting without him cos i love him so much i have never been like this with anyone else. maybe because there is no reason to end us.

[hurtbeyondwords]

I know that you love him and of course want to be with him. While he's in this stage he will be back and forth. It's up to you to cut contact. I know right now that doesnt make sense and you are probobly afraid to. Keep in mind that things become clearer when time and space is given. Many have been in your shoes, trust the advice given here and know that you are not alone.

[bourbonbaby]

it been 2 weeks since we broke up and i'm doing fine when i don't see him. he says he still wants to be friends but when he comes over to pick up some more of his things he's acting very strange. he's very cold towards me and treats me as if i've broken his heart. he's now acting as if i'm the one who ended things. i told him after everything that he has done and still has given me no reasons i don't deserve to be treated like this. i asked him why he is being that way and he turned around and said that he doesn't want me to get attached. ???????? after being with someone for over 2 years your already attached. i'm finding his attitude very weird. why treat me as i'm the person who did all this when he was the one who walked out of the relationship for no reason. i told him that i think he should seek professional help and speak to a councelor cos he won't talk to anyone. he said he's sick of people pressuring him. example work friends are asking him why he's doing this. she is the best thing in your life. he said that he doesn't want to hear that stuff. is it because he's regretting but being a man doesn't want to go back on his word?? i don't understand. i told him that i don't want to be friends with someone who treats me like that and if he continues i want nothing to do with him. the animals are going a bit crazy without him and he hasn't even come over to see them like he said he would it's just so confusing for him to start acting this way now

[destination_unknown]

Hi bb,

 

I think now might be a good time to start NC. He needs to figure out his issues, and being friends with him is putting strain on you. By seeing each other and him acting cold, will build up frustration and resentment for you, possibly damaging any reconcilliation in the future.

 

As an aside:

The dogs are probably a bit loopy because dogs are pack animals and the pack hierarchy has been disrupted. (I foster abandoned dogs and I know what your going through with this!! Destruction!!) Was your ex the "alpha-male" of the pack? If so, you will have to establish yourself in that role.

 

To establish your position as head of the pack -

- make sure they see you eat before them

- tap them gently under the chin when they are doing something bold

- if they want something (i.e. treat / go outside) do not give it to them until they respond to verbal sit

- remain absolutely calm and firm at all times

- if they are jumping up all crazy - turn your body away from the dog with your arms folded

 

Any particular behaviours they are displaying? What breeds are they? If they are a small breed, and this is very important, do NOT do this if you have any doubt that the dog is stronger than you. When they are acting out, gently roll the dog on its side with their legs facing away from you and gently hold them in place with your hand on their shoulder until they quieten.

[bourbonbaby]

well we only have 1 dog together and 2 cats. the dog is a german shepard but he's been my boy since he was a pup he is now 13. the ex has only been in his life for 2 years but he is still missing him. all he does at the moment is cry day and night. with the other matter i really can't do the NC cos of the dog. he is old and i don't want to cause him anymore heart ache. my brother had to give him up and thats why i've had him for the last 2 years and i don't want to put him through all that again. i just don't understand why the ex is treating me as the person who ended everything and broke his heart it is just a very strange way to start actingi recon. he was supposed to let me know if he was coming over today to see the animals and he never rang me or messeged me so i have left it at that really.

[lilah]

I agree with others that say there is something going on that he is not telling you. It doesn't necessarily have to be someone else, but people don't just break up "for no reason". There is always a reason. His distance and not being forthcoming with the details tells me he is hiding something. Moving out and continuing to be "friends" with you allows him to keep his secret easier. What is different about your relationship now that you have broken up? Are you platonic now, or is it more like you are still dating but it's more casual now? Could he be using you?

[bourbonbaby]

i don't know how to explain how things are at the moment. it's very different. he'll give me hugs if i need one but other than that it's about it he tries to stay distant from me.i'm finally getting more answers out of him. the weekend he broke up with was one of the very first weekends i decided not to go out to the club so we could start saving money (cos we were looking at buying a house together) so when he left for work that friday night i went straight to bed but the other day he asked me where i went that night i said nowhere. his mother told him that an hour after he went to work that i went out she said that she spoke to our neighbour and they told her. it was 2 days after that he broke up with me. he then told me that she told him that on the sunday he ended things ironic hey he says that it's got nothing to do with it but when i bring it up he says whats done is done and can't change anything now he said he knows that i didn't go out anywhere that night but still won't ask his mother why she lied to him though. i told him yesterday that i am willing to stay friends and see him once a week only once a week though and see how things went between us. also told him that in a months time that i may feel differently about everything and might not even want him in my life he understood. i know he still loves me but that's what's so hard about everything knowing that he cares and can still do something like this and hurt me so much. when 2 people love each other they want to cause as less pain as possible to one another not as much as they can. that's hatred not love. at the moment i'm feeling fine about everything great about my decision and taking control of my heart i want him to be happy with or without me and i hope that one day i can do the same. my only hope at the moment is that he realizes his mistakes before it's too late.

[bourbonbaby]

well handing the keys in for our house tomorrow it's a bit upsetting cos it means it's the end of our first home together it's been almost a month since we parted and it doesn't feel any different because we've basically seen each other almost everyday cos we've been moving and cleaning the house. so really it hasn't given him any time to miss me. after tomorrow we won't be seing each other til next week some time so i hope that i can manage it without crying. we're still on the friends thing and see how we feel in a month or two and hopefully we can try and work through these problems and get back together.

does anyone have helpful ways of trying to get through these next couple of months? i just can't stop thinking about him and our relationship thinking what if's.i don't want to forget about him and nc is not an option at the moment and i do not want to find anyone else at the moment. but i don't want to pressure him in anyway. i need to be able to act normally around him and be able to not bring anything up and give it time but at the moment i just don't know how to do that.

[bourbonbaby]

can anyone please give me advice on how to act around him. we were never friends before our relationship and i have no idea how to act around him now. i don't want to be the girl who sits there and tries to remind him of how happy we once were try to pressure him into coming back cos i don't want to push him away. and he's already said that he doesn't want to be pressured.but i don't know how to do any of it. it's all new to me this friends thing. well we're supposed to be on a break and seeing how we feel in a month or two but we're still seeing each other once a week. it's very weird. i need to be able to act normally around him and i know i can't behave the same way with him as i do my normal friends it isn't possible after everything that we have shared together. does anyone have any tips on how i could even try to get through this whole friendship thing and try and make it work?

[GB111]

The fact of the matter is that you CANNOT be friends. While one or both of you still harbor feelings for the other, friendship is simply not possible. Seems to me in so many of the posts that "friendship" is a kind way of saying "I want to know you're still available".

 

Give it a month of NC. See how you feel after that. Perhaps you can be friends, but why rush friendship? After a relationship as long and obviously emotional as yours was, true friendship is simply not possible at this point. He'll still be there in a month, 3 months, or a year, and maybe you can make something work then. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but now is the time to take care of yourself.

 

At the end of the day, remember that you ultimately want to find the person you will spend the rest of your life with. Chances are, this isn't him. Whatever issue might be bothering him at this time in his life, there is no question that life will deal more difficult ones at some point. You want a person who you know will be with you through all of life's bumps and curves. Doesn't sound like he's at that point or of that quality; at least not right now. Better to invest your time in finding that special person.

[bourbonbaby]

well it's been a month and we sat down and had a talk yesterday. we're going to hang out and try and have fun and laugh and stuff. if things go well there we're going to try and start from stratch again. go out on dates and see how things go. but it's very strange he popped over today only for a couple of minutes cos he had to drop some money over for a bill.he still has some of my clothes and i asked him if he could bring them over to me and he turned around and said that he will do it when he's good and ready. i turned around and told him that there's no need to behave like that. he was the one who walked out on everything and after agreeing to what we talked about yesterday he has a funny way of showing it. he's behaving the total opposite. i don't understand how one second he's fine with me and then the next he's a total jerk. i know i shouldn't be hoping for too much out of this starting all over thing but i love the man do death and want to at least give it a try i'm not loosing anything by trying maybe gaining if it all works out. i am prepared for the worst that it won't work out becuase of the fact that he probably won't let it just by his attitude and if thats the case then he's not worth it after all but i at least have to try. i have been keeping myself busy but still find it hard not to think about him.i know that one day i'll look back at all this and wonder why i even bothered but at the moment i'm stupid enough to be listening to my heart. lol. any who will let ya's know how everything pans out.

thanks for listening.

 

kind regards

[bourbonbaby]

i am so proud of myself.this whole last week i've had nc with my ex. and since it has been over a month since we broke up i am feeling really good about things. i have made the desicion of not wanting him back even if he wanted it. we both just had to go into the real estate to sort some stuff out and i just told him that forget about anything i ever wanted over the last month eg. trying to start fresh and giving things a 2nd chance. because i do not want that anymore. i know i have a long way to go yet before i allow anyone into my life but at least i'm on the right road for recovery and i am very pleased about it. thanks to everyone for the advice they have given me. even though at the start i didn't really want the NC. lol.

thanks heaps guys.

[Walk]

We're proud of you for all the strength you've shown during the past month. Especially with the lack of answers on his part. You've got a lot of strength inside you, and a great spirit. You deserve better in life then what you've been handed, but you've made the most of the situation.

 

I'm sending wishes that you'll heal quickly and be able to find someone who's worthy of a woman like you.

[bourbonbaby]

well i've found out the whole reason for our break up now.i know i wanted closure but i didn't think it would effect me this way.

i rang the ex 2 days ago to find out when he was coming over cos he was bringing over money for another bill (everything was in my name) when i said hello he thought i was HER. he seemed quite happy until he figured out it was me. i asked him who she was and he tried telling me she was a friend. He came over yesterday and i told him to stop lying to me. so he told me he has been seeing her for 2 weeks. huh what a lie he broke up with me almost 2 months ago. the only thing he wanted from me was to sign the car over to him (stupid me) did so last wednesday. all he kept saying to me about him and this girl was "what's it to you". all he's done is lie to me over the last 2 months. he then said it's all my fault. like i pushed him into the arms of another women. trying to pass the blame onto me. he's a gutless weak man. i have cancelled his phone because it's in my name and have only found out that he has racked up alot of money on it. and do not think that he is going to pay for it. why on earth is he behaving as if i'm the one who has done wrong? considering he has left me for another women. why do i have to pick up not only mine but his pieces aswell? it is such a wrong thing to do to someone that you supposedly were in love with for 2 years. how can all that change over night i don't understand. i am so mad and upset right i don't know what to do.