Driven2this Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 I have delt with my husbands affair. I have closed the door, and wont open it. We have been working on our marrige for about 6 months now. In that time, we have expressed our needs to one another. I have been going above and beyond to satisfy his needs. Within these 6 months, I feel my needs have been ignored. I told him I like him holding me, it only happens when he wants. I told him I want him to kiss me more, Ha, he doesnt hardly kiss me at all. A peck if I am lucky. I told him I need conversation. I listen to him, then when its my turn, he stares at the tv or plays his computer games as I talk. I have told him not only is it rude, its disrespectful, but he does it anyway. I dont get any special emails, texts or phone calls like his OW got all the time. He has not made plans to take me anywhere, has not bought me anything, lets just say if I want flowers I have to buy them myself. I went out alone today. I got hit on 3 times, whistled at, and some one actually waved to me. I know I am sexy, hot, whatever you want to call it. My self esteam has not suffered. I am preparing myself for an affair. My eyes are wandering. Here I am a wife who is now looking to have an affair, and I cant find anyone. No, I will not leave my marriage, not unless I found someone else. I dont want to be alone.
JackJack Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Have you all been to marriage counseling? Maybe he is still having a hard time himself. If you're really that unhappy, and you feel this not fixable, then you need to get out of your marraige before you do anything you might regret.
Owl Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 I am preparing myself for an affair. My eyes are wandering. Here I am a wife who is now looking to have an affair, and I cant find anyone. No, I will not leave my marriage, not unless I found someone else. I dont want to be alone. Cool. So now you'll do to him what he did to you. Revenge at it's finest. Think about this...now you sound EXACTLY like he did in his affair...your entire post screams "ME ME ME ME!!!!!" Why bother posting here if that's how you feel? No one here will condone another affair. We've all been hurt by them, and most of us would refuse to do the same thing back to our spouses even having been hurt. What's the point of this thread?
catgirl1927 Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 This is a terrible plan, dear. It sounds like you wouldn't be alone for long. Having an affair is a terrible thing to do. Besides, what quality of man is going to have an affair with a married woman? You should end your marriage so you can be free. Being alone isn't as bad as you act like it is. The loneliness you're dealing with stuck in a loveless marriage is a thousand times worse, I promise. And even if you are alone at least you can be proud of you are.
Driven2This Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Think about this...now you sound EXACTLY like he did in his affair...your entire post screams "ME ME ME ME!!!!!" Why bother posting here if that's how you feel? No one here will condone another affair. We've all been hurt by them, and most of us would refuse to do the same thing back to our spouses even having been hurt. What's the point of this thread? Maybe I am looking for an answer. Maybe someone to who knows how I feel, and can relate. Why do you all make it sound so easy,......... LEAVE! I cant just leave. You know, maybe if I knew how to feel, I wouldnt feel this way. Do I want him to hurt like me, Yea, I do. Call me unhuman then. Yes, it is about ME ME ME. Because for the past 8 months it has been all HIM HIM HIM! So, lets just kick me while I am down, all because I am terribly hurt, confused and feel so alone. If I had someone to talk to (I never had good experiences w/ therapists) I would not post here. Tell me, how am I supposed to feel when I find out the one I have loved for over a decade has broken everything meaningful in our life?
No Stress Lady Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 This is a terrible plan, dear. It sounds like you wouldn't be alone for long. Having an affair is a terrible thing to do. Besides, what quality of man is going to have an affair with a married woman? You should end your marriage so you can be free. Being alone isn't as bad as you act like it is. The loneliness you're dealing with stuck in a loveless marriage is a thousand times worse, I promise. And even if you are alone at least you can be proud of you are. Spot on Catgirl Reminds me of this thread................................ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t82483/
max003 Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Hang on, let me just see if i get this right. First he has an affair. You forgive me. He still treats you like s***. Your still with him. Question: Why? I say have an affair. Find yourself a man who likes you enough to listen to what you say. A man who would be happy just to hold hands with you and nothing else. A man, who would like to make love and not demand it, who would satisfy you before himself. A man who would treat you like the intelligent, caring, normal, sexual woman you are. Why settle for anything else? Why give him more chances to make you unhappy? Relationships are not about one person being happy and the other miserable, anything less and your being cheated (again)!
Owl Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 If she's going to find another man...then don't stay married. Having a second affair is no more 'right' than him having the first affair. I can understand not being able to forgive him for his affair. Fine. I can understand that he's not meeting your emotional needs in the marriage, and you've done your best to communicate this to him. So end your marriage. But having an affair...starting another relationship while you're still married to him...is just as wrong as what he did to you. You are NOT justified to do this to him. You are justified in leaving him, in ending the marriage. But revenge cheating? Nope. Or even doing so because you're afraid to be by yourself. This would make you no better than him...worse, IMHO because you already KNOW what that pain feels like. NOTHING justifies an affair....NOTHING.
Blind Illusion Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 No, I will not leave my marriage, not unless I found someone else. I dont want to be alone. Not being in the situation of a betrayed spouse, it is easier for me to see that while affairs aren't something to be esteemed, not everyone is ready to divorce first before moving on. While separating first might be ideal, there isn't one standardized behavior that applies to every sitution. Lots of things can happen:You can have an affair & find that you would rather deal with the devil you know, so to speak.You can have an affair and find someone that is truly worthy of you and puts your needs first for a change.You can have an affair and realize it's not what you want, in the long run, either.You can have an affair and realize, because of this, that it's a two way street to be going above and beyond fulfilling your spouses needs. And that it's time that hubby gives back a little.You are the only one that can decide what is right to do. I just wanted to mention one other thing with your quote about being alone. Nothing is more lonely than still feeling alone even though you are with someone. That's a first hand lesson that I know so well within my own marriage. No, he didn't cheat but he is a negative self absorbed individual nonetheless.
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Two wrongs do not make a right. It's awful that he cheated on you, but don't go and do the same thing he did to you. Yes, you are hurt and pissed off. Rightfully so. These past 6 months should have been about YOU, not him. HIM making things right, gaining your trust again, learning how to grow together and make the marriage work. It sounds like he hasn't done much to change things or to make you feel loved again. Before you decide to make a big mistake - Talk to him. Lay it all out on the line for him. No s***. Tell him you're considering having an affair, even possibly ending the marriage if he doesn't get his butt to marriage counselling with you to fix things. Let him know how he makes you feel, how unhappy you are. Then see what he says...I'm betting he'll look at things differently, and do the necessary legwork to get things good again.
Lennox Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 An affair at this point might be more detrimental to your emotional health than his. It sounds like you're not only looking for a good bang, but also someone to fulfill your emotional needs as well. Those are two completely different things and while a bang can be good, an emotional affair could hurt you more in the long run than you think. It can complicate matters and cloud your thinking when it comes to deciding whether you want to stay with the oaf you're married to or not. If you had an affair, I would be the last one to pass judgment on you. I can certainly understand and empathize with your reasons for being vulnerable to one and even planning it out. However, that doesn't mean it will necessarily be the best course of action you can take at this critical time. There's no rush here...really think this out before you do it. I believe you that you're probably incredibly hot and will have absolutely no problems finding guys that will step in and fill your needs. You do need to think "me me me" right now. Think about what course of action will be BEST for you in the long run before you act on it. You won't have any regrets if you do. And that's what life is about...not having any regrets.
Guest Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 I have delt with my husbands affair. I have closed the door, and wont open it. We have been working on our marrige for about 6 months now. I don't think so. You need to rethink this statement because it is obvious you haven't dealt with it and the door is still wide open. Appears you "stuffed" it and now you are considering acting out to get revenge. That is not a mature way to handle this situation. If you don't want to be alone and feel you must have a man then you have some problems you need to work through that involve YOU and not your husband.
max003 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Divorces take monthes to come through, why waste the time staying celebate/faithfull to a cheating disinterested louse? If you feel the only way is to find someone else, then you have to do it. Either you will find someone or you wont. Do you want to stay in loveless marriage just because you've got the moral highground? Yes, i assure you it is very lonely up there. This isnt about "doing the right thing" or being "better then him". This is about your happiness. He's had his chance with you, and he cheated on you. Does he deserve anouther? Did his behaviour change? No, he still takes you for granted and ignores the obvious signs of your unhappiness. Why talk to him? Why doesnt he notice? Men and woman are different, but after thousands of years of living together, surely they have developed the capacity to tell when we happy or not? Do what is necessary for you, you dont owe him anything. If you make a mistake, its life experience. Being miserable because its the "morally right" thing to do is not an answer!!!
catgirl1927 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Divorces take months. Separations don't. Why wait and sneak around with someone you will obviously not be able to trust? If you find someone who will have an affair with you, you're finding someone who is ok with cheating. They will cheat too, and you'll get your heart broken again.
max003 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 mmmm, im not sure about that. i had a friend who met someone before they had broken up with their boyf. He was understanding, and obviously didnt like the idea of being the "other man", but he was willing to listen to her and help. Afterwards they got together properly and have been ever since!
catgirl1927 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 So they had an affair while she was still with her boyfriend?
max003 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 oh yeah, she went away on a training course and met a new bloke. we all hated her boyf. He was rude to her infront of us, stood her up, and stole money from her. She had a fear of being abandoned (parents issues), but he would never leave her until he bled her dry. Im fairly certain he hit her a few times, but she never admitted it. the new guy was kind, intelligent, and really liked her. He didnt try anything on when he found out, because he didnt want to be the cause of her break up. i didnt ask exactly what they did together or when, i think it was technically cheating as he was acting as her boyf when she had anouther. Acting in the sense he looked after her, lifted heavy things for her, bought her ice cream and made her happy in a way she hadnt for a long time.
Owl Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Wow...this is scarey! So basically what I am hearing is that it's ok to cheat on someone under the right circumstances? Even (or especially) if you've suffered that same kind of pain yourself, and knowingly choose to do that to someone else. WOW I guess I was just taught a little differently.
Mz. Pixie Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Driven, I'm not going to bash you, because I've been where you are. Don't make this about what he did, this is about you. What he did was selfish. Because you're in pain you don't want to be like him. Trust me. It's much more acceptable for men to cheat. Don't mean to sound sexist, but it's true. When men cheat- other men pat them on the back in private and say "Way to go" but women? They just think they are cheap sluts. My husband didn't meet my needs for years, but yet when I cheated, no one remembered how he neglected me and the kids, and they knew- they only remember that I cheated rather than got out first. Trust me, you don't want to suffer the pain when you're caught. Nor do you want to suffer the embarrassment when your children find out- if you have kids. I have wished a million times I left him first. That way I could have held my head up high rather than losing all of my friends when they found out. Don't be like him and ruin your reputation and character by doing that. At the time, it may alleviate your needs but the price you will pay in the long run will be higher. You can listen to me or not, but I wish someone would have told me the guilt I would have, even almost two years later.
Pink_Tulip Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 I agree with Mz Pixie. I was in a similar situation and did have an emotional affair. It only served to complicate my life even more. And talk about pain... not only do I have to live with the pain of violating my own values, I have to deal with the pain of hurting my husband, and worst of all, the pain I put on the OM. He truely believed I was gonna leave and we would be together. I thought I was going to, but in the end I had to fight for my marriage b/c I thought it best for my kids. He was devestated, and it tore me up to see that. The affair will feel good for about the first five minutes, but it will get messy and painful really fast. Why can't you leave? Financial? Fear? I think thats where you need to start. You say your self esteem didn't suffer, but someone with a lot of self esteem wouldn't stay in a marriage where they were cheated on and treated the way you describe.
max003 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Which is more important: Your happiness or what everyone else thinks? So the suggestion is that it is better to be seen to be doing the right thing then actually doing the right thing? Why should you be unhappy just because everyone else thinks that you should stay with your husband regardless of what he does? Thats why beaten women stay with the men who hit them, because their so scarred about ruining their kids lifes, or the neighbours will look down on them, or because the people at the gym will talk about it. So f*cking what! It's your life not everyone elses! Just because someone else couldnt make the commitment to leave their husband and stayed in a loveless marriage to "do the right thing" doesnt mean you should. Your obviously not happy now, i seriously doubt anything will get better. DO you want to live the rest of your life like this, or do you want to take a chance and look for happiness?
No comprende Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 I'm curious, do you have any children? If you do, it's not about you or you H anymore, it's about the kids! (the innocent victims) Children of the self-absorbed, I wonder what the outcome will be? If you don't have any children, don't listen to any of the advice that is given here. You will see how more miserable/depressing your life can become. YOu need to distance yourself from your situation, you can do it. Everyone is uncomfortable with change, take that step.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 I have delt with my husbands affair. I have closed the door, and wont open it. We have been working on our marrige for about 6 months now. In that time, we have expressed our needs to one another. I have been going above and beyond to satisfy his needs. Within these 6 months, I feel my needs have been ignored. I told him I like him holding me, it only happens when he wants. I told him I want him to kiss me more, Ha, he doesnt hardly kiss me at all. A peck if I am lucky. I told him I need conversation. I listen to him, then when its my turn, he stares at the tv or plays his computer games as I talk. I have told him not only is it rude, its disrespectful, but he does it anyway. I dont get any special emails, texts or phone calls like his OW got all the time. He has not made plans to take me anywhere, has not bought me anything, lets just say if I want flowers I have to buy them myself. I went out alone today. I got hit on 3 times, whistled at, and some one actually waved to me. I know I am sexy, hot, whatever you want to call it. My self esteam has not suffered. I am preparing myself for an affair. My eyes are wandering. Here I am a wife who is now looking to have an affair, and I cant find anyone. No, I will not leave my marriage, not unless I found someone else. I dont want to be alone. This post makes me sad. I know how you feel. I, too, have been there. I felt sooooo unloved by my husband. I wanted to cheat because I wanted to feel loved by SOMEBODY.... The irony is, I fell in love with someone AFTER I became physically involved (heavy petting) with him. Now I can't shake that feeling. What I want to say is, you are not going to make yourself feel better by finding love with someone else. An affair can never make you feel fulfilled in the way that you want it to be. I can't tell you what the right thing is for you... only you can do that. But don't think that you will be find it easier to leave you current husband if you have another man on the other side. Good luck.
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