why cant he leave her?

[Walking away]

Ozgirl,

 

Our stories are so similiar. I, too, left a dysfunctional marriage many years ago. I had daughters watching me and following my example in life and relationships. I felt I could be a better example by being a strong, independent woman ALONE than a weakened, dependent woman in a relationship that was dead. And, my girls are following in my footsteps. They are strong, yet gentle young women who are making decisions that I am very proud of. They have learned my example well. They are not settlers for anything in their lives. They are okay alone.

 

My MM's wife wants him to get his vasectomy reversed so they can have another baby now. It is sad. That will not fix their marriage, just trap him into a relationship that obviously hasn't been working. And, I feel sorry for her. This is a woman in obvious agony and is feeling quite desperate. Doing what she can to hold on to a dying marriage. Not that I blame her, but not the path I would have chosen if I were her.

 

When I think of the two of them, I find myself ill also. What we had was so real and amazing....it is hard to let that feeling go. My MM seems to be much like yours...Staying in an unfulfilling marriage rather than daring to make a go of his life alone. He is really doing her no favors, but that is not my call to make.

 

We parted ways with love, and that takes the sting out of the breakup somewhat, but it still hurts like crazy, as you know.

 

I am keeping busy with my career and children. I sit back and wonder how I ever let things get this far...but I did and now I must pick up the pieces and move on. Something, I am frankly shocked that I must do. I am someone who succeeds in all that I do, and it is quite a shock to see that this relationship unraveled so unexpectedly.

 

But, you, like me, are strong women who know what we want in life....just hit quite a bump in the road of our lives.

 

My quote for the day is this:

 

The difficulties of life are intended to make your better....not bitter.

 

And, another....

 

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb you.

 

I am in your corner, as I know that you are in mine.

 

Big hugs to you...

 

WA

[zarathustra]

OzGirl, its like you wrote my every feeling in the words you posted. Excpet the part about sometimes wanting to kill him. For me, its more like sometimes I hate him and then a few seconds later, I say to myself, wtf do you think you're trying to kid?!?? Anyway, I would love another embrace from him or another kiss, but I know it would cost me my soul. It does hurt each time I breathe, still... its been 5 months already. I don't feel as raw as I used to but it still hurts a lot.

 

Since I work with my xMM and I am bound by contract to be where I am for a few more months, its quite painful each day to see him. I, like you, WA, need to focus on my career. I feel shocked at how quickly the demise of our relationship came about and I also feel shocked that this relationship did not succeed. I am used succeeding in what I do once I put my head into it, but this time, I failed completely. Most importantly, I failed myself. At least that's how I feel.

[OzGirl]

zarathustra - don't beat yourself up too much. I mean, I know that's easy for me to say, but it's not achieving a great deal. I've found that I did that, too. Completely thought of myself as one big fool to believe it was as good as it was. The conclusion I've come to is that it was for me - I DID love him the way I never knew before I'd met him that I wanted to love someone. And, he did make me feel amazingly comfortable to be where I was with him. I can't now question my judgements based on what was going on back then. I just think now that what's been hard to deal with was how unexpected this all was. I didn't tell his wife, or instigate the ending of it. The whole thing has been like being on an out-of-control roller coaster and I've not been strapped in, and I've been holding on to each day's beginning for dear life. It's a long and exhausting adjustment to get used to - and you will. I've found that now, my life isn't balanced like it used to be - he was the good for all the boring and mundane. I'm still finding a new balance.

 

During all of this, I've had a parent pass away in my arms, I've lost my job due to just losing my nerve in general, and tried to be excited about buying this new home I'm doing up. It's been really stressful, to say the least, and every hardship I've had along the way has been just that bit harder for not having him there - concerned, helping me, ringing me, being my friend. It's been lonely and really stretched my emotional resources beyond the limits.

 

The thing is - this is my reality. I can't change it. I can control how I react to it most of the time, and crying myself to sleep sometimes is just something I'm used to - it's part of my life. It's also not happening quite as often. Either by effort or just the natural evolution of time marching on - this has become less about him, and more about me. It's been really hard to look at myself and ask what's been right, what's been wrong, and is it all based on what I want or feel, or what "society" tells me I ought to. It's been one big headf*ck to say the least.

 

But, like I said - I've dealt with reality. I haven't run away or tried to believe it's different to what it is. I haven't always tried to make myself feel better - just truer.

 

As for my MM's wife and the pregnancy. Well, it seems to me she found out he cheated, but didn't want him to go - maybe dealing with her OWN insecurities was too hard for her to do. Maybe him dealing with his own guilt was too hard to do.

 

I get the very clear impression this baby was a solution to having to face their fears. There's an excuse to not have to now. Without this baby, I think they would have had to see that the life they have is void of a lot of things, and then assess where to go from there.

 

Neither of them have done that - and maybe they never will. Either way, it's not really my business and my concern is minimal. It's more curiosity on my part to see if, in this particular situation - we are ALL forced to deal with the truth at some point. I have, but maybe they are yet to.

 

As all of you know - a newborn baby and the lack of sleep that goes with them - it will really test, I think, the strength of their decision to be together. Knowing what I do about her - and the obvious lack of forethought into having a child at this time of crisis in her marriage, I think her view on motherhood is romanticised and she's a post-natal depression candidate in waiting. All this extra pressure on the MM to deal with. If you ask me - it's just a recipe to force them to deal with what they should have in the first place. Unfortunately, there is going to be a child in the equation.

 

WA - don't be surprised if you MM does get it reversed. His W could be giving him the clear impression - you do this for me, I will forgive you for your shameful acts. He might be SO keen to lose that feeling, he'll do anything. It will make no sense, but just be prepared. I wasn't. It was the single most bizarre thing that even now, you would NEVER have thought would be the outcome of a split between my MM and myself. I NEVER thought he would let it happen, let alone want it to happen. The things a man will do to get his wife of his back....

 

At least by talking to each other here, we can see some common traits amongst our MM. It helps take the edge of it feeling SO personal. Maybe, they are mostly the same type of men, in the same type of situation, reacting the same way to the same things. Maybe, we are too. If that's all true, then my research shows we will all be fine one day - and this will be, as I've called it before, a dot in our ocean.

 

And, to be honest with you - you all have been my best 'friends' to have through most of this. It's almost help me not miss my MM by not actually literally having a shoulder to cry on. By posting on LS, it's taught me to deal with this through physical iscolation, and learn to find comfort within myself through reasoning and understanding. Thank you to you all.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

You girls ROCK!!

 

Thanks for being here. I feel soo much better today.

[Walking away]

God, what nightmares we have been living. I hope I wake up from mine soon.

 

I see you women as my best friends in this crisis in my life. I appreciate your support more than you will ever know.

 

Hugs Ozgirl and all of the rest of you. Keep strong and keep your chin up...

[zarathustra]

I want to thank you all too for being my best friends and confidant for the last little while. Thanks for being the 'virtual' shoulders for me to cry on! I have been able to share with you things that I have not been able to confide to my sister (who is my best friend) and my best girl friend. While they know of the situation and have not passed judgement, they simply did/do not understand why my heart is so broken. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.