Guys! Am I a nag or is he lucky?

[mimzie]

(I posted under guest but I still dont see it?) I honestly feel that I do not nag my hubby. This is how life pretty much goes here, he goes to work, I stay at home with the kids. I homeschool the kids also so I'm not getting any free time while the kids are at school. Our kids are 6, 4, 3, and 1 so very young crowd and I'm pretty darn busy 99% of the day!

 

He leaves for work at 3pm, comes home at 1am. He goes straight to his computer, stays on there for several hours, goes to sleep, wakes up and returns to computer. Notice there is nothing else done.. just him, his work, and his computer....

 

He is not required to lift a finger, every once in a while, I'll ask him to do the dishes (should read every 2-3 months I ask him 1 time..) But of course in doing so, I know he'll use it against me at some point saying I never do anything and ask him to help when things get to hard. *rolls eyes* We have 4 kids and honestly, he could do things daily to help me out, we do not get intimate much any more because I am physically tired after raising 4 kids all day long. He never tries to help in any way other than going to work and he is sure to throw that in my face too, that he puts the roof over my head.

 

Now I understand he doesnt want to do "woman" jobs but when it comes to "man" jobs... who do ya think is out there doing them? Sure, there's nothing that says I cant mow the grass and trust me, I do it, even did it 9 months pregnant with 3 of my 4 pregnancies! He pretty much has it made, a wife that cooks, cleans and even mows the grass, I do not change the oil though so I'm sure he would protest how good he has it because of that. Anyway, most of the time I just do it, I dont nag at him or yell at him, what's the point? It isnt going to get anything done, I usually ask *nicely* and if no reply just do it myself. How can I get him to see that he needs to lift a finger every now and then to help out??

 

Rachel

[Pink_Tulip]

I think you will find that there are many women here who went through a similar situation. Mine got so bad- I also mowed the lawn at 9 months prego- that after years of built up anger, loss of self esteem, and resentment, I had an emotional affair and was ready to leave. It took a year of counseling to put things back together, and even now they are not perfect due to leftover resentment, anger, and loss of trust on both sides.

 

I wore my 'no nagging' badge with pride, and it got me exactly what I said above. My observation has been that most people are naturally selfish, and the more you do for them, the more they will let you do. Thats how it worked for me, anyway.

 

I can only offer suggestions from my personal life. The one thing I look back on and am SO angry at myself for is, letting it go on for as long as it did. I wish more than anything I had put my foot down and meant it the day it started happening, rather than letting it get worse and worse, hoping one day he'd wake up, see how much I was sacrificing for him, and appreciate it. He didn't appreciate anythinng til I was walking out the door. Good luck.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hi!

 

I want to let you know that I have a similar husband. We have 3 young children and I work full time. In addition, I work inside and outside the house. My H doesn't help out, either. Admittedly, he works over 12 hours/day. When he comes home, he will read the mail, watch TV, or surf the net.

 

Well, I finally put my foot down. I told him in no uncertain terms that I needed his help with the kids. I wrote down what I needed from him. I also threatened to leave him - I really meant it. Well, I was pretty fed up with his inconsideration by then.

 

My husband is trying to help out more, especially during the weekend. There are still some things he can do. But things are improving.

 

If you need him to help you out more, you will need to tell him. Have a conversation with him. Explain how things would be for HIM if he had to stay home, if you were to be sick, etc. Most men cannot put themselves in your shoes if you don't describe it to them explicitly. Be gentle and tell him like you were telling a 10 year old boy.

 

Good luck - because you will need it.

Remember, you have taken care of everything for him and he may have forgotten how to help out. So he will likely be resistant to do anything for you even after your "talk".

[ric_12]

I can relate to this... I was just like him in my 14 yr marriage. I had a business, running, demands etc.. 110% I'd get home and on the computer I'd go. blah blah blah same story.

 

Well let me tell you that due to all this and poor communication I lost. My ex ended up finding someone else. I only saw it at the end when it was too late. Believe me it changed my life. Those last few months I turned around completely cut back the work hours big-time, focused on enjoying life, all the good stuff..... it was too late her heart was black like a stone.

 

So here is my advice.... sit down and explain it to him on how you feel in the situation. You surely have pressure....4 kids wow ;-). He might think that this is a role (a fulltime job) that YOU are responsible for, managing the house, kids, supper.... This is fine, but sometimes our tasks are overwelming and need help. Definitely cut out the nagging and sit down and have a serious discussion with him. Before this... I think you should personally look at what else is lacking or could polish up your shine.... are you happy? What could make you really happy? This will allow you to have a better perspective of your own situation.

 

good luck.

 

Ric

[a4a]

There is no need to nag him. Just tell him "You will start helping out around here and contributing to the family or things are going to start changing".

 

You deserve a couple of hours away from the kids on the weekends and he needs to spend alone time with them as well, get a taste of what you deal with on a 24/7 basis.

 

You cannot nag, you have to say what you want firmly without emotions glued to it, no blame, just I need you to do this. If he refuses or acts out ignore his outbursts and simply take away one of the favors you do for him, like doing his laundry....... let him do it. If he complies act like you just won the lotto, give him what he likes in return (after the action/request is completed).

[martika]

I can see both sides here. Lets start with his first. I am not making excuses, but rather possible reasons.

 

I can guarantee he feels you have no time for him. I heard about all the "chores" being done, but emotionaly there is nothing it seems. Does he get a kiss when he comes home? Do you stop and listen to him first or the kids?

 

He probably feels overwhelmed when coming home. I have 2 kids, but

4? I could not image the pressure he must feel as the breadwinner. I am sure he thinks about that all the time, bills and such.

 

When my H comes home from work, he usually goes right to his computer too.IMO, I think its a man thing. They need their hour of alone time to do what they want after work. Its like a reward for another day completed. Computer, nap, a beer, whatever. I usually give my husband 1 hour after work to chill out. After that its my time!

 

Home schooling, I cant imagine either. God bless you for doing it. I gladly send my kids off to school with a kiss and smile. The day is now mine, and I can relax and not be stressed. Thats what YOU need, time to yourself. You need to remember you are more than just a mom. Take some time to pamper yourself. You will be amazed at how well you will feel, and I am sure he will notice too.

GL

[Touche]

A4A is right on the money. Not much to add really but do stop with the lawn mowing. HE should be doing that. You have enough on your plate. Just stop. I would just tell him that it's HIS job, period end of story. Eventually, he'll do it when he really sees that you are not.

 

And yes, you MUST take a little time off away from the kids. Tell him that from now on that's what you expect. Your voice has to be confident and firm. You're not ASKING him for this, you are telling him what you expect.

 

Remember it's in YOUR control to change this around. Don't expect the lightbulb to suddenly go off in his head because it won't. Nagging will just make him tune you out more. And as, a4a said do NOT blame. Just matter of factly tell him what you need and what you expect and how it's going to be.

 

It works. Try it.

[Ladyjane14]

I would say first and foremost, your husband needs to find a day job. Right now, it's like you're living on two different planets. It's little wonder that you're hardly having any intimate relationship.....you don't have ANY time alone to work on your marital relationship.

 

While I realize that it could be a matter of great difficulty for him to find other work....as things stand now, it's only a matter of time until he's using this job for the sake of paying child support anyway. Somethings gonna have to give.

 

You two should optimally be spending 15 hours a week together as a couple. This is recommended on marriagebuilders.com as a means of keeping the primary relationship healthy. You can get detailed information from that site.

 

Frankly, all the talking in the world isn't going to change a thing.....unless you change the way you two do business. The parameters surrounding the relationship are currently destructive. Neither of you are going to be able to get what you NEED out it unless that changes.

 

I'm concerned about how much time he's spending on the internet. Do you know what he's doing when he's online? Do you have full access to the computer? Or does he hide things from you?

 

Right now he's spending an inordinate amount of time online, and NOT having a fulfilling sexual relationship with his wife at home. There's a HUGE potential for problems there, a recipe for disaster as it were.

Unless there are health-related issues which prevent sexual intimacy within the marriage, an emotional disconnect will occur.

 

Generally speaking, sex is among the most basic of ENs (emotional needs) for men. It allows them to strengthen their emotional bond with their mate. Women tend to need their man to express emotional closeness. They want him to be romantic. But he doesn't have a whole lot of access to his softer, romantic emotions unless he's having a fulfilling sexual relationship with his mate.

 

All things considered.....your primary relationship needs some serious work. View it as the support structure which underpins the entire family. It's just that important. I think it would benefit you greatly to study the marital relationship in depth. There are lots of books available to help you get that done.

 

Meantime, I think it would be wise to keep yourself prepared for a return to the workforce. If you haven't already studied for a career....consider pursuing higher education in a part-time capacity now. There's NOTHING like autonomy for keeping the scales in balance at home. Having the potential to make your own living , to support your family should necessity demand it....will free you from involuntary dependance. Reliance on your husband becomes a choice. You're in the marriage because that's where you WANT to be. You don't have to tolerate the build-up of resentment in unresolved frustration. You have OPTIONS, therefore control of your own destiny.

 

I've been married 20+ years, and over the course of the last couple of them....I've come to realize that we have a personal responsibility in the build-up of our resentments. Sometimes you have to love your partner enough to NOT allow them to hurt you. You have to weigh the potential for resentment in your interactions, and when you decide that some particular issue is going to cause a build-up, you have to open your mouth and say so. When you do....you're actually HELPING your partner avoid the loss of your active love.

 

So what that boils down to is that if you are allowing yourself to become victimized in the relationship....you're hurting your partner.

[Touche]

I agree with LJ that talking won't help. You just have to tell him how it's going to be. But one thing I wanted to add. DO NOT threaten. Don't say, if it's not going to be like this...then blah blah...because he will immediately be put on the defensive and he will tune you out. Just tell him what you need and expect leaving out the threats and the blame.

[Kenyth]

A lot of people don't comprehend the amount of time it takes to raise kids. If you're home schooling, you're busy. It also goes the other way. Some moms think the working spouse should take over 100% when they get home. That's not right either. I've got a pretty fair system worked out. As long as you aren't saving all the work for when your spouse gets home, you can start splitting the load 50/50 when he gets home.

 

 

"Men's" and "Women's" work is an outdated concept, but you have to appreciate one thing about it. It kept the workload somewhat even, and gave each person jobs based on their perceived strengths and weaknesses. Men tend to be physically stronger and culturally tend to be more knowledgable about repair work, so heavier physical labor, field, and repair work fell on them. Women tended to do lighter labor and more cleaning work. This allowed them to watch and take care of children in a time where children had to be breastfed for a long time.

 

Today, many of the reasons for "Men's" and "Women's" work don't exist anymore. This doesn't mean we should ignore the spirit of the concept though. Raising a family requires a mother AND a father. Both should contribute and ideally should contribute more in certain areas based on their individual strenghts and weaknesses.

[MusicWoman]

He is saying that you don't do any work around the house when you ask him to help out. You shouldn't have to do this.....but maybe you should make a list of all of the things you do around the house. Including everything you do for 4 children, things you need to do to take care of yourself, and all of the things you do for him! Tell him that getting to a point where you are 9 months pregnent and mowing the lawn is not acceptable! Then make a list of the things he does...maybe on paper he will understand it more clearly.

[whichwayisup]

Tell him he has to lift a finger to help more, or you will be hiring a maid.

[mimzie]

Thank you for all the replies, at least I feel that I am not neglecting things as he may act!

 

As for his job, He has a wonderful job and I wouldnt want to see him leave it because of the hours. We decided for him to work these hours this year instead of the normal 8-5 hrs because we homeschool. He had the option of these hours or any other hours, he works for the phone company and gets paid great. At the end of this year he will have the option to go back to regular hours or keep these. I prefer these hours as I said above because of homeschool. In a dream world, we were going to get up, I would homeschool the older 2 while he helped out with the younger two, that way I wasnt dealing 2 babies while trying to teach the older ones. That hasnt fallen thru because of him, the kids are just happy he's home during the day so school is the last thing on their mind. If they were older I would crunch down but they are still pretty young so we do school whenever it happens during the day. Mostly when the younger 2 are asleep now.

 

And with these hours he's actually on the computer less than before. Before he got up before us, went to work, came home and went straight to the computer, then it was tug of war to get him off to help. Now at least when he comes home, it's so late that usually the kids are asleep and he can just relax on the computer or relax watching a movie.

 

With all the replies, I think my first plan of action should be for me and him to spend some alone time together. Dates are a thing of the past so maybe we should set a date for us twice a week or something. I have a major problem leaving my kids with others because I feel I *should* be with them 24/7 and when I'm not I feel I have let them down. I have a cousin that leaves her son at her mom's house for 5 days and picks him up on the weekend, she doesnt take him during the week because she works so I guess I over do it to make sure I never get a break. She cant stand her son on the weekends cause she's not use to dealing with him during the week so I guess it's a fear I will do the same. Issues I need to work on I guess.

 

Will finish later..

[Ladyjane14]

I took a look at your other thread too, and I have to tell you....

 

If you change nothing....then NOTHING CHANGES.

 

You seem to have alot of reasons why the status quo should be adhered to, but the bottom line is that when something's not working for you, it's not going to magically START working unless you make changes.

 

You have a recipe for absolute marital disaster in the works here. Both of you have unaddressed ENs, and there seems to be no apparent plan to make corrections.

 

"Date night" is not the long-term answer. Emotional closeness is the answer. That's achieved through the mutual fulfillment of ENs. When you treat your partner's needs as if they were your own, you prioritize the marriage itself. And as I said earlier, it IS the "foundation" upon which your family is built. When the foundation cracks....the family falls through.

 

I understand completely the temptation for a couple to become 'child-centered'. But the wants of the children do NOT supercede the needs of the married parents. Protecting the marital relationship is the #1 thing you can do to ensure the wellness of the family dynamic. It strengthens the foundation upon which the family itself is built.

 

I don't want you to think that I'm picking at you, but this was a HARD WON LESSON for me!

 

Seriously, it's too easy for a man to end up as an 'outsider' in his own home when he's not fully integrated into daily family life. I don't know how that can be accomplished when your husband is on a completely different schedule than the rest of you. If he's getting up at noon and going to work by 3pm, he only has 3 hours a day to spend with his family....and that's while he's waking up and getting ready for work. He can't be integral in the family dynamic, let alone the marriage because he's not spending enough time with you.

 

I'm curious as to why you're homeschooling anyway.

Are the schools in your area bad? Because unless you have a superlative reason for homeschooling, it might actually be beneficial to go ahead and send the kids to school. You would have a more normalized schedule, with more time available to accomplish household tasks earlier in the day. The preschoolers would benefit with more 'face time' concentrated on them, and the grade-schoolers could develop some individuality in their pursuits outside the home.

 

You might even find time to work towards a career for yourself. If teaching is a calling for you....why not get a degree and teach? At that point, you become part of the SOLUTION.

 

Anyway, on your other thread I noticed that you had come to an arrangement regarding pornography, so I thought that I should mention the dangers of interactive porn....

 

There are alot of porn sites out there these days that are NOT limited to the two-dimensional aspect of simple viewing. Some of these sites offer chatting, cybersex, interactive webcam, etc.

 

What that means to YOU....is that there's a potential for your husband to become emotionally involved with someone he meets on one of these sites. Usually these relationships begin as online chat, which then escalates to phone calls (so that they can verify that the other person is REAL). Then they make plans to meet in person.

 

What's scary about all this is that it very quickly becomes 'normalized' behavior to the user. What might seem SHOCKING to us, is run-of-the-mill to them. Worse, there's an addictive quality that is frankly difficult to overcome once the user is in it's grasp.

 

It is patently unwise to allow your husband to become reliant on pornography to meet his sexual needs. A man's need for a sex is NOT just about getting off. It's about emotionally connecting in a relationship with his mate. I don't know how I can stress that enough to you. But I'll tell you this....for want of understanding on that particular fact, I ALMOST lost my husband.

 

For either of you to allow a void to exist in your spouse's life, you risk the possibility of something or someone coming along to fill in the gap. That's why it's so important to address ENs. Fulfillment within the relationship eliminates the need to seek outside of it.

[RecordProducer]

Your only problem: too many obligations.

Your only solution: a cleaning lady and baby-sitter. If you can't afford them then wait 'till your oldest kid is able to baby-sit the others.

 

Until then - I don't envy you. Sorry. I am a mom and my first marriage basically fell apart because we were torn with obligations. We had three little kids (my ex-husband's daughter lived with us and she is only two years older than my twin boys).

 

Imagine your life without the kids; everything would've been different. My twins are now 7, they catch the school bus at 8,25 am and come back around 4 pm. Then they play with each other or ride their bikes. They eat by themselves, choose clothes and get dressed by themselves, they brush their teeth and wash their hands by themselves, they poop and pee by themselves... man, it becomes heaven when they become independent like this and spent have the day at school!

 

Be patient! Some people start a business and spend 16 hours a day at work for years until they are able to enjoy their time. Well you decided to have four children so you can only wait until your "business" is ready to work out independently.

 

You don't really have a marriage problem that is caused by the marriage itself, I think, although your husband does sound a bit selfish. My ex was helping me a lot - that's why he decided to run away from the obligations and divorce me. So in a way, you're lucky that your husband doesn't help you much. Ask him for help and you'll see his back!

[a4a]

. My ex was helping me a lot - that's why he decided to run away from the obligations and divorce me. So in a way, you're lucky that your husband doesn't help you much. Ask him for help and you'll see his back!

 

 

I do not understand this at all....... he ran away because he was helping you?

 

Or because he was not getting a reward from helping you?

 

IMHO this advice will work if you are from the planet Zorton.

[RecordProducer]

I do not understand this at all....... he ran away because he was helping you?

 

Or because he was not getting a reward from helping you?

 

IMHO this advice will work if you are from the planet Zorton.

Are you in a bad mood or something?

 

He ran away because he was doing a lot of work around the kids and helping me with the laundry and stuff. I never asked him to help me, he did it voluntarily because he saw that I couldn't make it all by myself with two little babies. So he realized that if he moved back with his parents, he wouldn't have to do anything except partially take care of his daughter and see his sons for a few hours a day. He ran away from the responsibilities.

 

You sound too young, Miss Zorton.

[a4a]

Are you in a bad mood or something?

 

He ran away because he was doing a lot of work around the kids and helping me with the laundry and stuff. I never asked him to help me, he did it voluntarily because he saw that I couldn't make it all by myself with two little babies. So he realized that if he moved back with his parents, he wouldn't have to do anything except partially take care of his daughter and see his sons for a few hours a day. He ran away from the responsibilities.

 

You sound too young, Miss Zorton.

 

No not young wish I was again with what I know now

 

 

Asking a man to help around the house is not a marriage breaker. As long as he is well cared for and has his needs met as well. Most men would be more than happy to help out if there is a reason for them to do so.

 

Certainly I am not in a bad mood at all BTW...... just got some fantastic news!!!

[RecordProducer]

No not young wish I was again with what I know now

So "you look young" would feel better for you than "you sound young."

 

 

Asking a man to help around the house is not a marriage breaker. As long as he is well cared for and has his needs met as well. Most men would be more than happy to help out if there is a reason for them to do so.

You are claiming that it's not a marriage breaker. I am telling you that my ex was a lazy comformist and ran away from the obligations. What needs are you talking about? He was loved and had sex often... obviously his need to not do anything was not met.

 

Too many obligations kill marriages!!! Trust me! With four little kids there's not much time for having fun.

 

Certainly I am not in a bad mood at all BTW...... just got some fantastic news!!!

Care to share the news?

[Pink_Tulip]

obviously his need to not do anything was not met.

 

 

OMG, this made me laugh so hard.

[justagirliegirl]

So "you look young" would feel better for you than "you sound young."

 

 

You are claiming that it's not a marriage breaker. I am telling you that my ex was a lazy comformist and ran away from the obligations. What needs are you talking about? He was loved and had sex often... obviously his need to not do anything was not met.

 

Too many obligations kill marriages!!! Trust me! With four little kids there's not much time for having fun.

 

Care to share the news?

 

With 4 kids, I would run away too!

[mimzie]

Ok first off, I gotta LOL, so many of you make it seem like 4 kids is just too much. I often have more because many friends want a break and honestly when those extra kids are here, dh knows that he doesnt have to do a thing because I dont see it ok for me to be watching extra kids and give him extra work because of it so I am very considerate of him in that, he will usually help though anyway. Many times its 6 kids 6yrs and younger but I *LOVE* the little kids to pieces and it just seems what I was meant to do ya know?

 

And someone mentioned when my oldest gets old enough to baby sit, that is something I feel strongly about, I cannot have my kids watching the other kids, I didnt have them to be my baby sitters ya know? Not really a debate or anything, Just *I* feel that *my* kids will never have to watch their siblings because it's not their place, just as it's not their place to change the channel or get someone else a drink of water or take someones plate to the kitchen... I know that many parents have to have their kids watching the younger ones because they work or something and that is fine for them but I will not work until my youngest is old enough to stay home alone. I had kids to raise. Again, I dont mean this to sound mean or debatable to others this is just how I feel about my kids but I also understand that there may be a time I have to have my older watch the younger ones but that would be only emergency times.

 

On with the rest, thank you everyone that replied to this and the other thread. I read them all and a lot of it made perfect sense cause let me tell ya... up until about 1yr ago, I didnt realize that H's should come before children. I felt strongly that kids should ALWAYS come first because we had kids together and they were in more need right? THen a dear friend told me lightly that if I spend the next 20yrs raising kids then when they are all gone what am I going to do? I wont know my H because I spent a 20yr break from him! It makes perfect sense so we have been working on that for a while now and honestly things are getting a lot better! We are trying to move the kids OUT of our bed which is kinda hard on us both but about once or twice a week we do have the bed to ourselves. We also have other family members living with us (My 2 brothers) so that has really put a strain on things but there's a LONG story that goes with that also. But anyway, every day I work on putting H first before the kids now. We have been thru a lot of things in the past 9yrs but I think we still have a pretty good relationship and it's getting better.

 

And about the porn, I sent him a link to marriage builders and pointed the one out about the addiction, I dont think he realizes its an addiction but this morning, instead of him being on the computer (which he does every morning) he was on the couch watching TV with the kids so maybe already he is starting to see it! Honestly I have a wonderful H and he will do just about anything for me, its just that I hate to ask, sometimes I feel he should just help ya know cause I dont want to nag at all but then I have to remember that he's a guy and he sees helping out differently than I do. I use positive parenting on our children and have even began using it in our marriage so honestly I dont feel I nag at all anymore (yes I use to!) I ask him in a positive way and last night while chatting (computers in the same room but sometimes we just chat online with each other) he said something and it kinda hurt my feelings and he was like "Well I didnt mean it like that" so then I told him "If you accidently hit me in the nose would the pain go away just cause you didnt mean it??" I could tell it really struck him on that and he apologized. He's very sweet. Just I wish he'd want more kids! LOL

 

The reason I searched for this board was because I've been feeling pretty down about the vasectomy ("husband wants vasectomy reversal" doesnt bring up many good sites LOL) so I luckily found this site. That is my main problem, *I* need closure on the vasectomy and I havent got it, I talked with him briefly about it the other night but he doesnt want to talk about it and it's not that I want him to say "I'll get a reversal" I just need closure on it and I guess he feels after 2yrs I should have closure but I dont! We didnt get into a heated arguement about it or anything, I would just like to talk about it and close it ya know? But I think he fears I will try to talk him into a reversal. I would LOVE for him to have one but I do NOT want him to have one if he doesnt want it (does that make sense? lol) If he decided on more, I would be right there but not if he doesnt want more, I just need CLOSURE!! (can ya tell I need closure on this? LOL)

 

SO I guess my next step is, how do I talk with him about it without him shutting it all down?? I just need to close it and get on with my life, it's hard going from child bearing to child raising when you werent really done. I want to be done but need to close it first. (I hope this makes sense but am sure its clear as mud! lol)

 

OH and I almost forgot, to the one that said he makes the money so he should be able to spend it... believe it or not, my job as a stay at home mom is a lot harder than his, I may not have a check every 2wks that comes in but trust me, I deserve one! lol On top of all the normal stuff, I also homeschool our kids but do not even get paid to do so. So no, it is not right for him to take any extra we have and spend on himself, his job is to bring in the money for the family, my job is to take care of the family. Extra's could be split or put into savings or something for everyone, not just for him because he goes to work every day but trust me, he gets plenty of extra to make him feel he gets anything he wants (and often does) He doesnt feel he deserves all extra either so its eye to eye on that. I make sure he gets an hour or two to relax after work or on the weekend because he's not use to being around the kids all the time so I do take that into consideration all the time.

 

Sorry for the LONG post, I hope I covered it all

 

Rachel

[blind_otter]

SO I guess my next step is, how do I talk with him about it without him shutting it all down?? I just need to close it and get on with my life, it's hard going from child bearing to child raising when you werent really done. I want to be done but need to close it first. (I hope this makes sense but am sure its clear as mud! lol)

 

OH and I almost forgot, to the one that said he makes the money so he should be able to spend it... believe it or not, my job as a stay at home mom is a lot harder than his, I may not have a check every 2wks that comes in but trust me, I deserve one!

 

Rachel

 

I understand, I said I didn't think it was a healthy way to perceive your money, but I could see how a man would think like that. Do you see what I'm saying? Both my older sisters are STAH moms, and one of them basically depends on my parents still because her husbands spends all his money on comic books and action figures that you can't take out of the box. (I have no idea what that's all about...). That's his excuse. I'm not saying it's right, but it's definatley something to bring up.

 

Secondly, closure is not about the other person. It's something you come to terms with inside yourself. Otherwise, those of us who have lost loved ones would never get closure. I suggest you google the word, and look up some info, so you can get an idea of what I'm saying.

[mimzie]

I understand, I said I didn't think it was a healthy way to perceive your money, but I could see how a man would think like that. Do you see what I'm saying? Both my older sisters are STAH moms, and one of them basically depends on my parents still because her husbands spends all his money on comic books and action figures that you can't take out of the box. (I have no idea what that's all about...). That's his excuse. I'm not saying it's right, but it's definatley something to bring up.

 

 

 

OOHH!! I see what you mean now on the first part! I thought you thought that way and I just wanted to make it clear that I didnt LOL And I hope this doesnt come across that everyone should think like I do, just *I* dont and that's sad about your sister I hope some day he realizes her job is just as important as hers, she probably does a lot more than he does at his, just she doesnt get paid to do it, she'll get paid in the end though.

 

Secondly, closure is not about the other person. It's something you come to terms with inside yourself. Otherwise, those of us who have lost loved ones would never get closure. I suggest you google the word, and look up some info, so you can get an idea of what I'm saying.

 

That is true too, maybe I need to start thinking that way more, sometimes I just feel I want to be able to talk about with him without him shutting down but you are so right. If someone were to die, I wouldnt be able to say "Well hang on before ya die.." My father died when I was 8 so I should be able to do as I did with that. Thank you

 

Rachel

[Chump64]

You sound really busy and overwhelmed.

 

If your public schools are decent, you might want to consider sending them.

 

You said -- “up until about 1yr ago, I didnt realize that H's should come before children. I felt strongly that kids should ALWAYS come first because we had kids together and they were in more need right?”

 

HOOOO boy, can I relate to that! So can my husband. At least in the past. We talked about it a lot – how the kids are “part of us,” so they come first, at least for now. Then I found out that he had been having an affair for the last decade (I found out 2 months ago – it was all during the daytime / at work, so I was clueless) We have been together for 20 years, married for 18. We are trying to reconcile, and I don't know for sure how that will go (very complicated ) but my point is that I thought “marriage” was not really a lot of work. We were cruising along comfortably (or so I thought). Don’t fall into that trap. I am NOT saying your spouse is cheating or even thinking about it. I am saying, don’t let your marriage become vulnerable like we did. Don’t think it is routinely OK to put your kids first. Seriously, make your relationship the first priority. I used to laugh at this advice. Now I'm crying about it b/c we were so stupid not to take it.

 

This sounds REEAAALLLLYcheesy but it’s serious advice – start to think about your sex life in a new way. Try stuff you’ve never done before. Buy books – even if you are blushing like mad at the Barnes & Noble checkout counter! I do not blame myself for my husband cheating (not for a second), but I have come to realize sometimes women don’t realize just how important sex – and varied sex – can be in a man’s life. He can have varied sex with his wife. But if she routinely hops on top or he on top of her, with no discussion or no new ideas, it can really start to screw with his mind. Especially if (as in my case) he is flirtatious, and comes across a woman who openly expresses her curiosity, if you know what I mean. (However, I need to reiterate -- the REAL fault for a man who cheats in this situation is his own – he chose to cheat vs. communicate this sexual need to his wife.)

 

With four kids, you work even harder than your husband does. I doubt he realizes this. I know your frustration with regard to housework. I can’t understand why some men walk past a sink load of dirty dishes without thinking that they need to be washed or loaded into the dishwasher. I don’t know the solution to that, other than for us to try to raise awareness with our husbands (also known by menfolk – unfortunately – as NAGGING) and to raise our own sons differently. I have pre-teen boys who are quite familiar with housework.

 

After a few years into our marriage, I got ticked about laundry and came up with the idea that we do laundry strictly on weekends and that we take turns. (We both work FT – but again, your job to care for 4 kids is even more difficult than a FT job at an office.) That has worked out really well. It has become like a ‘competition’ to see who can get everything clean and put away – LOL! I have nagged in the past, and it did help to some degree. But I become resentful for HAVING to nag, know what I mean? Why can’t he see that this needs to be done?! Again, I think a lot of it has to do with how our husbands have been raised.

 

Anyway, good luck to you. You are not a “nag.”

 

Now that I have confronted my husband about his affair and he is contrite, he has become a darn good housekeeper.