Need Husbands ?? Am I a nag?

[Guest]

I love my dh dearly, I really do and I couldnt imagine life without him. He is pretty lazy but he's the man I married. He does work and has always worked so not lazy as far as that goes but when helping out at the house.... LAZY! I usually end up mowing the lawn and taking care of outside things, not to mention the inside things! I am a stay at home mom and I homeschool our children. Our kids are 6, 4, 3, and 1 so a young crowd which keeps my life BUSY!!!

 

I dont expect him to do much at all at the house, I do pretty much everything although I am not the best house keeper I try to keep up, dishes are done daily etc but there is clutter here and there. I dont expect him to come home and do any of this, I just expect him to mow the grass when its time or if he seems me outside doing *his* job he should at least get off his butt and help.

 

He's working late hours now so he leaves at 3pm and gets home at 1am. Time at home is spent on the computer, when he wakes up (noonish sometimes) he gets up and gets on his computer, when he comes home at night, he gets on his computer. His computer is his life! He LOVES the kids and is a good father but sometimes he forgets that he needs to spend "loving" time with them too. Sometimes I'll mention (not nag) to him that he needs to spend some time with them but that's about as far as that goes. I'd love for him to help out and play with the kids but if he's not going to do it, I dont want to nag him to do it.

 

I usually feel he's pretty lucky to have me, I dont go shopping, I dont buy myself things, my life is my kids and my husband and that's what I do 24/7, make sure they are happy. I even try to be as frugal as I can so my kids and husband can benefit from it. About once every 3months or so I'll go out and get my nails done but that's it on splurging for myself. Now my hubby, he is more materialistic than I am and feels he needs more things. Not all the time but like with income tax return, he spent $1000 on himself. I spent $30 on myself (getting my nails done) and in a few months he'll want some other high priced item and he'll get it. Yeah I guess he deserves it but my dreams of a large family has been shattered and I get tired of him getting everything he wants while I sit back and just let it happen ya know?

 

And that's my problem, he wanted to stop at 3 kids, I've always wanted a large family. 6 kids would be perfect for me or even more. I'd love to just have a ton of kids, live out in the country, grow a garden and all that old time stuff. Sure money would be an issuse but with the 4 we have now, we are not hurting, we are doing better than we were with just 1 kid and he has the same job! My biggest thing is, he doesnt deal with the kids like I do so how can he say when we are done having kids? I'm the one dealing with them and if I say we are having more then it should be up to me, not him! He's going to work the same no matter how many kids we have, it will be me that has the heavier load, not him.

 

So I guess my question is, why are some guys scared of having more kids? 4 kids doesnt break into his free time at all, I have no free time but I'm fine with that, so how should he have a say in it?

 

ANyway, I have a ton more questions but this is getting long enough. Feeling pretty crummy about his decisions and things and theres nothing I can really do about it!

 

Rach

[Vivica]

I am so sad reading this post. The same things were happeing to me. Saving money, yet the hubby buys all these high-tech gadgets, on the computer ALL the time. These were red flags for me, believe it or not, and I never noticed them.

 

Your husband is not my husband, but they are both men. Please take a look at his computer when he is at work. I guarantee you will find something that he is doing that you would not approve of. I am sorry to say, but I would find it harder to believe he was NOT doing something then if he were.

 

After I snooped, I found out my H was having an affair with a woman who he works with. I thought my H was different than other men and he would never do that to me. How humble I was when reality hit me in the face.

 

If he is not having an affair, he needs you desperatly right now. He needs time with you. If he doesnt feel connected to you, he wont want to be with you.

[mimzie]

This was my first post, it finally posted, I registered after sending this one in, didnt see it so I posted a shorter version of this lol

 

Rachel

[mimzie]

Reading your msg I thought "Yeah but *MY* husband wouldnt ever cheat on me, then you said the same thing so makes me wonder but honestly he doesnt have much time to do anything. He doesnt get a lunch break now because of the late hours he works (Its usually calm enough for him to just eat at his desk) So every hour at work is either spent at his desk or down smoking so I felt pretty safe about things.

 

I know there's porn on his computer but I could really care less now, it has taken MANY years for me to come to this point but I do not have the sexual desire that he does so its fine with me if he feels the need to take care of business on his own time. He is addicted to that yes and there has been many heated fights over it but there comes a point where I had to give up on that in order to stay happy. He tried "quitting" and did good for a while. I smoke and couldnt just *quit* so I feel it's one in the same (actually trying to quit now but that's another post) I've tried several approaches about his porn addiction. I've even tried "I dont care if you do it, just be open and honest about it" Which is usually is, he doesnt hide it like he use to. He says it takes the fun out of it if I know *every* time he's going to do it so I let him have his "naughty" time and chaulk it up to be better than a fantasy thru affair.

 

I really dont know if he would have an affair or not. He doesnt hide really anything at all, our computers are in the same room and I can occasionally glance over to see what he's doing, usually its computer stuff, talking on computer stuff forums and such.

 

I guess I'll try to keep a closer eye on things and see if there are things being hidden, if there were an affair, it would have to be at work but there are mostly guys working his shift, I havent heard of any females. Thanx for the reply and let me know of more warning signs!!

 

Rachel

[Curmudgeon]

So I guess my question is, why are some guys scared of having more kids?

 

...my answer is, the older we get the more we start thinking about eventual retirement. We might start looking forward to a little peace and quiet in our lives. Heaven forbid, we might also want just a tiny semblance of a life that dfoesn't revolve totally around children. Even worse, we might have thoughts of unencumbered time just with the woman we fell in love with and married (sans children, no doubt).

 

Given the ages of your children, your husband might no be quite to those points but trust me, they'll come.

 

YOU want several more children. He wanted three. Obviously he was clear and explicit about that. It doesn't seem to matter to you and thus far, you're getting what you want and have literally one-upped him.

 

I wanted two. The ex wanted four. I guess we compromised by having five (Yeah, right!). Notice, I said "the EX!" One of the factors of the divorce was that I was totally left out. It was everything for and about the children and nothing for and about US!

 

Be careful. Be very careful.

[Pink_Tulip]

I guess I am confused... is your problem with your husband not helping around the house, or the fact that he doesn't want more kids?

 

If he doesn't want more kids, and you already have FOUR, I'd have to say one of you needs to get fixed. That really is not fair at all to force him to have more children than he wants. It doesn't matter that you take care of them most of the time, he is still financially responsible for them for 18 years since you are not working. That is a huge responsibility. I am sweating over how I am gonna get two through college, I can't even imagine 6.

 

Plus, I am sure he is looking forward to being an empty nester one day, the more kids you have, the further that gets pushed back... where is the fun in getting the last one off to college if you are 80 when it happens??

 

Sounds like he is being very passive/agreesive. You got your kids, now you get to deal with them and everything else. Can't say I blame him. When you really resent someone for taking such control from you, its hard to be plugged in to the relationship. And its not fair to the kids either. You are robbing them of a great relationship with their father by forcing your wants on him and causing him to unplug from the family.

[mimzie]

Curmudgeon Thank you for your post, that is what I was kinda asking "Why men feel the need to have no more" because I see and hear it often. Your post paints a pretty clear picture about why he wants to stop. #4 was a surprise to us both and it wasnt that he didnt want #4, when we found out #4 was on the way, we were happy, he was for sure done after that though. We planned the first 3. #3 and #4 are 15 months apart. Thank you that helps a lot!

 

Pink_Tulip Maybe you took my post wrong, he had a vasectomy before #4 was born (2 days before the birth). He, along with our 4 kids, have my full attention at all times, he is not left out in any way because we have 4. And if he feels he needs to unplug from our family because we have 4 kids then... there is the door. We planned 3, 4 was a surprise that we both wanted after we found out. He realized when #4 was on the way that I was serious about not getting my tubes tied because I wasnt done. So that is when he finally realized he would have to have a vasectomy if he was done.

 

I understand that I married him to be with him and all that but right now in our marriage we have 4 kids that need to be raised and if he cannot parent them and wants to unplug then he isnt being there as a husband either. The decision was made and we will never have more than 4 kids because of his vasectomy but that doesnt bring me closure for my dreams of having more. So I was kinda asking to see why guys feel a small family is better than a large family. Personally (I feel, not wrote in stone) small families arent as close as large families so that was one reason I wanted a large family. (Not the #1 reason but one of the many)

 

Rachel

[Pink_Tulip]

mimzie- you are right, I misunderstood your post to read that even tho he did not want more than three, you had a fourth anyway. I apologize.

 

You said your dreams of a large family were 'shattered.' And he is obviously completely unplugged from this family. I would guess there are issues and resentment on both sides you need to work on, and unless you have a good line of communication- which I would guess you don't or you wouldn't be here- you should probably get into counseling ASAP to fix this before it becomes unfixable. I would guess he has some EN that are not being met anc causing him to pull away. Regardless of why your husband is unplugged, there are enough stories on this forum to show that when when partner is not into it, for whatever reason, it goes from bad to worse very quickly and very painfully.

 

No one here can tell you the magic words to open your husbands eyes and get him back in the game. I really think the only thing that will help you chip away at the wall between you is a professional. If your husband has a good job, there may be free counseling in his benefits. We have great medical insurance, but they did not cover marriage counseling. His work allowed for 6 weeks PER ISSUE of FREE counseling. So our counselor simply changed the issue every six weeks, and we had free counseling for over a year.

[Touche]

Having a larger family does NOT guarantee that you will be any closer than you are now. I have a small family and we are very close. Anyway, I consider your family large. I couldn't imagine having/wanting four kids! But that's just me.

 

And I agree with the poster who said it wouldn't just be YOUR burden but his as well. He has to shoulder the financial responsibility and you don't. No small thing that.

 

I'd focus on the four you have and not dwell on what you don't. Pour your energy into making your husband happy as well.

 

Good luck.

[blind_otter]

So I guess my question is, why are some guys scared of having more kids? 4 kids doesnt break into his free time at all, I have no free time but I'm fine with that, so how should he have a say in it?

 

You're fine with it, he may not be. He should have a say because you two are in a partnership.

 

The more children, the less disposeable income, that's just the hard facts. I can also see how, if he's the one bringing in the only income, how he would feel more entitled to spend it on what he wants, though I don't know if this is the healthiest attitude, it does make sense.

 

Also I know that sometimes women get in "mom" mode and forget that their H's aren't on that level all the time, I see this with my older sisters. I remind them that they need to attend to the intimacy of their relationship with the H's and they get all defensive and say they have no time to themselves.

 

But if you don't tend to a fire, it will go out.