Guest Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 I don't know whether to be mad as hell, hurt, or feel good about myself. My H had an A during our seperation. We were having some problems and decided to get seperated to see if our M was worth saving. We talked about D but figured we would try a trial seperation before making such a big, final step with D. We never agreed to see other ppl during our seperation but he decided to see the exOW. We were all friends before the seperation He lied to me about the A but I knew differently because I had proof. When he finally told me the truth about 3 months later he said he could no longer stand lying to me and he could see the hurt he was causing me before I even knew the truth from him. He broke it off with the OW and said he wanted to work on the M. We continued to stay seperated because I didn't know if the M could work after his A. About 6 months later he moved back into the house with me and our children. It's been 2 years since this has happened. Our M has improved, somewhat. He does not want to talk about the exOW anymore, which I don't blame him. But he still brings her up once in awhile. It's never anything positive about her, always negative. Yesturday he compared me to her, again. This is kind of embarrassing but he has always loved my breast, he can't keep his hands or eyes off them half the time (when we are alone of course). He told me that my breast are so much better than hers. He said hers are bigger but mine are perfect and he loves them and can't get enough of them. He has felt this way since we were dating almost 20 years ago. He has compared me to her in bed saying I'm the best lover he has ever had and even though he knew the exOW had more experience than me (been with a lot of men) I was much better in bed than her and he couldn't believe how stupid he was that he almost lost me because of her. What kind of man compares his W to the OW? Especially when it comes to sex? Is he that heartless? Does he not realize that even though he says good things about my body and being good in bed compared to his exOW and his past relationships that it's pretty insensitive? Or am I the only woman that thinks this is pretty insensitive, being compared even though it's not bad?
mimzie Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 I'm new here but wanted to reply. I wouldnt be hurty by it, it honestly sounds like he's just thankful he has you and didnt lose you! Sometimes guys dont know how to compliment their wives without it sounding horrible I guess. You gotta remember he's different and doesnt think like a woman. If you told him the things he told you "You are so much better than my ex" he'd probably feel WONDERFUL! So he's probably just complimenting you the way only way he can think to do it! Being angry at him isnt going to help, it will just make him scared to ever compliment you again so be careful how you approach this! I would just tell him "Thank you so much for the compliment you gave me last night but it kinda makes me feel funny that you compare the two of us, could you maybe leave her out of it next time?" Try to stay calm and be honest without being angry. Anger isnt going to do anything but cause another problem. Good luck and just try to stay calm while being honest with him about it, you would want him to be honest and calm if he felt you offended him. Rachel
Ladylay Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 I don't know whether to be mad as hell, hurt, or feel good about myself. My H had an A during our seperation. We were having some problems and decided to get seperated to see if our M was worth saving. We talked about D but figured we would try a trial seperation before making such a big, final step with D. We never agreed to see other ppl during our seperation but he decided to see the exOW. We were all friends before the seperation He lied to me about the A but I knew differently because I had proof. When he finally told me the truth about 3 months later he said he could no longer stand lying to me and he could see the hurt he was causing me before I even knew the truth from him. He broke it off with the OW and said he wanted to work on the M. We continued to stay seperated because I didn't know if the M could work after his A. About 6 months later he moved back into the house with me and our children. It's been 2 years since this has happened. Our M has improved, somewhat. He does not want to talk about the exOW anymore, which I don't blame him. But he still brings her up once in awhile. It's never anything positive about her, always negative. Yesturday he compared me to her, again. This is kind of embarrassing but he has always loved my breast, he can't keep his hands or eyes off them half the time (when we are alone of course). He told me that my breast are so much better than hers. He said hers are bigger but mine are perfect and he loves them and can't get enough of them. He has felt this way since we were dating almost 20 years ago. He has compared me to her in bed saying I'm the best lover he has ever had and even though he knew the exOW had more experience than me (been with a lot of men) I was much better in bed than her and he couldn't believe how stupid he was that he almost lost me because of her. What kind of man compares his W to the OW? Especially when it comes to sex? Is he that heartless? Does he not realize that even though he says good things about my body and being good in bed compared to his exOW and his past relationships that it's pretty insensitive? Or am I the only woman that thinks this is pretty insensitive, being compared even though it's not bad? He probably thinks he is, reasuring, complimenting you. By saying you are better, he probably thinks he is making you feel more secure. You need to tell him, you dont want these comparisons, because you dont want her name mentioned. He cant read your mind, talk to him.
littlekitty Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Yep I agree. It sounds like he's trying to reassure you! That fact that he's not getting it right is something you might want to discuss though!! At least it sounds like he's making an effort of sorts...!
Guest Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 My hubby made a comment after his affair about how my breats were bigger and better than hers. You know, at first I was like ha! I am better, but then it just reinforced the feelings and images of him being with her. How he lied, lied and lied. Ugh, I hate thinking about that and feeling that way. IMO, Some things are better left unsaid.
catgirl1927 Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 I agree too. You should tell him what he's doing isn't working like he thinks it is.
max003 Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 i disagree SO MUCH!! Any man that is that bloody stupid to compare his forgiving wife to some tramp he had an affair with plainly doesnt understand what he has done. Does he really think comparing breasts is flattering. Why doesnt he just say he likes your body then keep his trap shut? Why is he thinking of her when he's with you. Plus he didnt have the balls to tell you that he was seeing her. I think he wanted the excitement of an affair to please himself and then came crawling back to you when the novelty wore off. I seriously doubt that he really comprehends the hurt he has done to you, did he really apologise, does he actually make an effort, does he understand that the mention of (just her name never mind her breasts) hurt you? I doubt it.
hotgurl Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 or next time he does it you could always say you are so much better in bed than (insert your exs name) eventhough his dick was bigger your much better in bed. that should shut him up. Or just tell him it bigs you and to stop doing it.
max003 Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 thats a good idea! tell him all your exs were hung like race horses, then tell him your with him because you prefer cocktail sausage to jumbos!
lucid Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 I am going to disagree for a moment on this.... I wonder if maybe the timing of him comparing you and her isnt ON PURPOSE..... Just before sex, bringing her up, even though he is comparing?? Maybe the idea gets him hot that he cheated on you with her. Maybe it turns him on that you are both discussing his OW in a sexual fashion. I once had a boyfriend that got hot when he thought about the possibility of me cheating on him with a girl. Angry but hot, if that makes sense. He would bring it up in the most inopportune times, making out, he would kiss me and ask if I kissed her like that (i never kissed her at all, I am not even bi, she was) It didnt take me long to figure out that he only brought that up when we were about to do the deed, or when he touched me in a sexual manner..Thats just my experience. Though it feels good to know that he finds you more desireable, I would question the times he would bring up the OW......
max003 Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Theres a tiny bit of a difference between your boyf fantasies of you with anouther girl and the lady's husband, having an affair, lying about it, and then constantly mentioning it. Also, does he think it will turn her on to think of him having cheap, meaningless sex with some slapper who deliberately goes after other peoples husbands? What kind of man would think this is acceptable behaviour? What kind of attention starved, self-hating woman would enjoy this? If my boyfriend enjoyed taunting me with details of his sordid and dirty infidelity i would knock his f***ing lights out!
Owl Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Why not ASK him why he's bringing this up 2 years later? And simply tell him how these comparison's are making you feel. If it bothers you, ask him to stop. I actually think that he might be doing this to make you feel better, but (being a typical guy) he's going about it the wrong way and hurting you instead. This is from my 'guys' point of view. He IS being insensitive in referring to OW in any fashion like this, and I really think you need to point this out to him. But don't bite his head off, he might actually be trying to let you know how much better you are...but doesn't know the right way to say it.
catgirl1927 Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 If my boyfriend enjoyed taunting me with details of his sordid and dirty infidelity i would knock his f***ing lights out! I love this. Go max!!!
max003 Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 thanks! Ive only been on this site for a day or so, but i love it! Dishing out advice!! Brilliant!! And what kind of imbecile would think that a woman would be flattered by comparisons to his other woman? Its like a woman comparing her husband/boyf to a really fit sports man, yes we all secretly do it, but we know that if we ever said it out loud, he would be incredibely hurt.
Owl Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 He was stupid enough and dense enough to have had the affair to begin with. Clearly indicates already that he's insensitive. You'd be amazed at how many times guys try to make something a compliment without really thinking about what they're saying. Women are normally smart enough to keep their mouths shut and thinking before speaking...us guys aren't always that gifted. LOL!
max003 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 but you know that comparing the "other woman" to you forgiving girlf is wrong though dont you? maybe if my boyf said j.lopez's breasts are nice, but yours are better, that would be a compliment- in ham fisted way and i would take it as such. but this is something else, no one is that insensitive. Unless their autisitic. or a child, i think you married Peter Pan and life isnt so much fun off the island!
Owl Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 LOL!! Well, of course I know that. My point is...it sounds to me, given the timing and way it was said, that her H was trying to compliment and reassure her, but went about it entirely the wrong way. If he wanted to deliberately hurt her, he would have made comments that compared her NEGATIVELY to OW. (Wow, her @#$#@ was a lot nicer than yours!) If he was looking to hurt or make her feel bad, this was actually a pretty weak way to do so. Either he's very cagey and is trying to find ways to destroy her ego without giving her something directly attacking (which makes him smart...which doesn't sound like the kind of person she's describing), or he's a ham-fisted idiot when it comes to reassuring and giving compliments (which DOES match the kind of person who would have done what he did). Who knows...we're discussing all of this based on comments we're reading on a website.
max003 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 Yeah, but its fun! Anyway, i dont think he's smart. I think hes very very stupid. a) he seriously thinks that comparing his wife to his mistress is a good idea. b) he doesnt realise that this is deeply offensive and hurting. c) he doesnt care d) he thinks these comments are nice. Any option you take and he's a s***. Im sure as a bloke (if you are owl, sorry if your not) you would know that even comparing your new girlfriend to an ex would be a REALLY BAD IDEA. thats an ex, imagine the damage if is was anouther woman. Not only has he cheated on his wife with this woman, he also mentally and out loud compares them. The suggestion is that he made the choice to stay based on who had the nicer chest. Yes thats a compliment i would love (sarcasm).
Owl Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 And I agree with you Max...he's a bloke...and not a very bright one at that! BTW...I am a bloke too...but I'm a BRIGHT one!
max003 Posted March 24, 2006 Posted March 24, 2006 of course, you sound lovely. even more because you agree with me. all men arent like that. some women are as well. everything balances out, there as nasty people and the nice people that come along afterwards and make it all wonderfull again!
OzGirl Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 This is going to sound horrible, but as an ex-OW, here goes nothing.... When my ex-MM's wife found out he was having an affair, I got dumped (fair enough) and he went into overdrive trying to stop his wife from leaving him. He said MANY flattering things to her - how beautiful she was, all that stuff. I know this because she told me (she rang me to see if he was still talking to me, and I told her yes and repeated what he's said they did that day to prove it to her, and it was physically correct - where they went that day, but the conversations he repeated to me were along the lines of "I miss you, she does nothing for me" [she being the wife], where as he was saying that to her about me, and as she then said, telling his wife how beautiful she was etc, how ugly I was, etc). So, my comment on the idea he's comparing you to her is he's flattering you. I think he assumes you have insecurities and needs reassurance. This is all fine and nice of him, but two things that come to my mind are - what he says and what he does are two different things. He should do things to reassure you, not just say things (maybe he is - I don't know). Secondly, who's he trying to convince? You or him? If he treats your body with passion, etc, then why verbalise what is obvious? Is saying this to you relieving him of the "work" associated with proving it to you physically? I don't really trust men all that much in light of what I've seen and read in the last 6 months - maybe it's more biased than necessary. But, I was sucked into being the OW by being persued and flattered and having all those things I was insecure about pointed out as being wonderful to this man. His wife is no oil painting - and I imagine he practiced this ability on her - flattery gets him everywhere..... It's a conceited place to put himself in - that his words alone are merely enough to make you get all weak in the knees again for him. If you have NO doubts he's not seeing the OW in any way, shape or form, then fine, enjoy his attention. But, it just sounds like he's reacting to something within himself - guilt. It sounds like the reassurance is for his sake more than yours. If he wasn't feeling guilty still, then would he still say these nice things about you? Ie, go back to the state of your marriage before he had an affair - was he this nice to you then?
Guest Posted March 25, 2006 Posted March 25, 2006 If you have NO doubts he's not seeing the OW in any way, shape or form, then fine, enjoy his attention. But, it just sounds like he's reacting to something within himself - guilt. It sounds like the reassurance is for his sake more than yours. If he wasn't feeling guilty still, then would he still say these nice things about you? Ie, go back to the state of your marriage before he had an affair - was he this nice to you then? Thanks for all the replies. I have gotten so many different opinions on why he might of said this and continues to compare me so I think I need to take the advice and just talk to him about it. From what I have read here I think he might be doing it to reassure me that I'm more attractive to him sexually more than the exOW. Who knows, I guess the only way I can find out is if I ask. Ozgirl, he is not seeing the exOW, I have no doubts about that at all. It is really over between them. She is no longer around here anymore. As before the A, yes he always complimented me on my breast so it is nothing new with him about that. We have been together 15 years and he complimented me on my breast since we started dating. H is a very smart man but when it comes to things like that he isn't exactly thinking how it may hurt or bother me. Maybe he thinks I like hearing him say how much better I am than the exOW. All the reason to talk to him about it.
mopar crazy Posted March 27, 2006 Posted March 27, 2006 I think he is just trying to reassure you also, even though it's really not the right way to go about it. My H had an A also during our seperation and even though he doesn't compare me to the exOW he does say some mean things about her to reassure me that he thinks I'm better than her and what an idiot he was to risk our M b/c of her. Hope you had a talk w/ him and everything is going better.
Guest66 Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 no offense, but it sounds like he's trying to convince himself and make himself feel better for the loss of the other woman.
MrsHellFire Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 I just posted under guest, but this is quicker. First, doesn't it alarm you that he STILL THINKS OF THE OTHER WOMAN even after 2 years? Second, it sounds more like he is trying to reassure and convince HIMSELF.. making HIMSELF FEEL BETTER for letting his lost lover, the excitement, lust etc go and choosing you instead. If he felt you were so much better, there would be NO COMPARISONS imo. I would never want to be compared to some tramp who went through and destroyed our lives. Physically nor mentally! It might be a quick fix to boost your self-esteem, but it's ridiculous that he still thinks about her after all this time!!! Not a good sign! He might still long for an affair, but is trying to CONVINCE himself otherwise by thinking of all the "good" points about you.
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