Can love be restored?

[mra]

I was with my ex for 9 years. A year before we broke up we had a baby boy.

A year after he was born, we split. Soon after we broke up, she started dating this other guy, which then turned into a relationship. I was cool with it, but I told her to keep him away from our child, she promised and broke those promises a few times.

 

- There has been a lot of damage in our relationship over the years, mostly my actions and my fault.

 

I've been trying to get her to counseling with me and try to work on repairing / rekindling a relationship since we've broken up. She has said I will never go -- other times she has said maybe -- other times she has said yes -- but she always retracts what she's said because of OM.

 

Well about a month ago I go into a bar and I find him and her dancing, I lost my cool, and got in is face (I wanted to fight). The bouncers kicked him out and he had so much rage for 3 hours straight, he was odd. My ex didn't like that and she broke up with him (she wasn't mad at me).

- Keep in mind this guy was HUGE (steriod using bodybuilder type of guy) and would have kicked the **** out of me, but I didn't care.. I wanted to fight him either way.

- Funny thing is, after that night she was more nice to me then she ever has been.

 

During their break-up. I tried to get my ex to go marriage counseling to try and repair our relationship, she agreed. She said she doesn't love me in "that" way anymore and she said: "I don't think it will work, but maybe it will". We'll try.

 

A week later, on my way to work, I see his car in front of her place. He spent the night and they are back together.

 

I had a talk with her a few days after that and asked her why she would say she would try to work on it and then get back with him again. She said it just happened, she doesn't know.

 

I basically told her this is my last attempt in trying. If you don't try to work on this with me, then I have nothing for you, and to be honest I will probably hate you for it (not a threat. just how I feel).

 

She said she will break up with OM and we will try to work on it for the shake of our child.

 

 

The way I see it is, if you have a child together, especially a baby, you don't just toss it out the window. You try everything you can to make it work.. then if it doesn't.. well then it doesn't but at least you tried.

 

So do you think love can be restored over time, if you work on it and possibly try different techniques?

 

I personally think she still cares about me, but tries to act like she doesn't.

 

I guess I'm just looking for some outside perspective.

 

Thanks

[whats wrong with me]

I'm a sorta blunt person so I'll apoligize ahead of time for anything I right but heres my "outside perspective"....

 

you guys seem young and that may be where some of your problems are coming from I noticed in the 1st part of you post you told her you were "cool"

with her seeing someone else (as long as he wasn't around the kid * I'll get to this in a minute) but then at the end of your post you said that you thinkSHE cares but is trying not too.

 

It seems to me that YOU ARE TRYING TO CONTROL HER with you child hence the "as long as hes not around the kid" I dont want to be mean but ...grow up, what do you think is gonna happen if she has a relationship with someone else? What if she gets married? do you think she will hide the childs stepfather?!

 

The way I see it is, if you have a child together, especially a baby, you don't just toss it out the window. You try everything you can to make it work.. then if it doesn't.. well then it doesn't but at least you tried

.

 

you also got the cart before the horse on this...you should think about these things BEFORE you have a child not after. I think your supposed to love the person...get married...then have kids.

 

I'm not an angel by any means my life/family is a serious mess but your post really bothers me because you seem to be using your child to hold your ex. This doesn't work you cant USE your kid like that it makes you a butt.

 

you need to move on yourself for your kids sake, if you really care for this kid you need to grow up and worry about your childs welfare not about fighting at the bar with your exes date.

[CaliGuy]

I think you're trying too hard, my friend.

 

It seems to me you recognize why your ex fell out of love with you. Have you made any attempt to fix those problems first? It won't matter if you and your ex get back together if the same problems that existed before/after the breakup are still there, you will definitely break up again.

 

My best advice is to focus on yourself. When you do improve, your ex will see that through your interactions with your child. You have an advantage many people who don't share a child with an ex don't have.

 

You get to see your ex, often. While in some ways it could cause as much harm as it does good, the only way to your ex is ever going to change her feelings about you is for you to focus on yourself and BACK OFF.

 

You're being clingy and insecure. Stop begging her to fix the relationship. You have to fix yourself and make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy.

 

She loved you once. What were you like back then? Think about how you are different now. DO go to Counseling. But again (after the child) focus on fixing yourself and your issues. You can not control her or her feelings, but you can show her a new/improved you over time. Just don't force it on her.

[blind_otter]

I totally agree with WWWM.

 

First off, how is this guy she's dating the OM when she's not with you? That is her BF, if I'm not mistaken.

 

If she has repeatedly told you she's not interested in pursuing this, leave her alone and for god's sake don't start s*** with her new BF. That is childish, immature, and lame. A grown up does not rationalize physical violence like that. "I got up in his face"?? What are you doing that for?? Is a temper tantrum really appropriate?

 

It seems to me like you're beating a dead horse. It's not like you're actually trying -- you are harassing her.

 

The best thing for a child is when both parents are mentally stable, happy, and have fulfilling personal lives. Right now you are not only doing a horrible disservice to yourself, you may be permanently damaging your child -- is this how you want your child to understand how relationships are?

 

Minimize the conflict. Accept her decisions. Stop trying to force her or coerce her to do things that you want and start listening to what she wants.

 

This whole story disturbs me.

[mra]

I understand what you guys are saying.

 

The OM is a steroid using, hot head and I DO NOT want him around my son. And my ex has promised me many times that he would not be. But she lies and he has even slept my son and ex in the same bed. I can understand if he was a decent guy. I can live with that. But he is not. The reason I got in his face, for one is I was a little drunk, two he is interfering with my sons time with his mother. She is focusing more time on him then our son.

 

And the reason why I'm "pushing" is because she keeps saying she will go to a counselor but then changes her mind, and it's honestly hurting me too much. So that's why i finally said we either go or f*** it.

 

It even hurts me to see her. It would be easier for me not to see her. She keeps playing with me, like she wants the best of both worlds. She wants me to be at her beck and call, and see her "BF".

 

- Even that night when I wanted to fight him, the way he was acting was out of control, and my ex even said it herself. I don't want to be with him, I want to focus on myself and my son, and go to counseling and see if we can fix this. Then a week goes back and she acts like she never has said that.

was it stupid of me? of course it was. **** happens and people make mistakes.

 

-- Also, I have worked on myself and I do continue working on myself and I won't stop until I'm happy with who I am, with or w/o her.

 

 

----

blind_otter: as I said above, the guy is a steroid using prick and I REFUSE to have him around my son. If he was a decent guy, that's fine. I would have to meet him and approve of him.

----

 

whats wrong with me: "got the cart before the horse", exactly. We did love each other, why else would be together for 9 years? and when you have a kid, you don't just say fu** it, you try your hardest to salvage it. if it doesn't work out, then yes it's best to say separated for the child.

 

Our son is only 2 years old and I know this will effect him.

[CaliGuy]

MRA, focus on your own issues. You can not change your ex. You can make yourself more attractive by leaving the issues behind, not being at her beck and call and focusing primarily on your son's needs and your own.

 

Stop worrying about your ex. The more you interfere in her current relationship the more she will resent you. I understand you have your son's needs at heart. Why not go to court and try and get custody of him if things are that bad?

 

Again, don't get involved with her. If she REALLY wants to work things out, it will be of her own accord, not of your pursuasion.

[mra]

So now that she has agreed to work on it and give it her all, which she sounds sincere, I should tell her no, forget it? go on with your own life. Or take it and see what happens.

[whats wrong with me]

Our son is only 2 years old and I know this will effect him

yes it will and if the guy she's with is as psycho as you say, why are you chasing her instead of keeping your kid with you as much as possible?

 

its sorta strang that you, your ex and her new guy are out at a club/bar where was your child at this time if thats what concerns you?

 

I'm sure you love her and your kid but if shes putting your child in harms way maybe you should worry about getting custody of your son. I'm really not trying to be a butthead.... but if its concern for your child causing you to pursue her, use some of that energy to get custody of your kid.

[CaliGuy]

So now that she has agreed to work on it and give it her all, which she sounds sincere, I should tell her no, forget it? go on with your own life. Or take it and see what happens.

 

I'm confused.

 

She said she wanted to work on it, but is still seeing the other guy? If so, then let her ACTIONS speak louder than her words. Her words mean nothing when her actions are showing you something else.

 

Don't pester her. Back off a little. Make sure YOUR needs are met and you are a happy person. If you are strong and confident, you could possibly bring her back to you by being less insecure and nagging her a lot less. Try and make any interaction pleasing to you both. Don't focus on negative energy.

 

Again, you can't force anything on her. You should focus on the one area of your life you can control. You.

[mra]

No she admits she shouldn't keep seeing the guy she said give her time and she will break up with him. I wouldn't bother going to counseling if she was, what would be the point.

 

She said to setup the counseling sessions, and we'll work on our issues and then see what happens about a relationship from there. But we have some issues that need to be worked out before we can jump into a relationship (if we ever do), which I agree.

[mra]

WWWM: those two were at a bar together for a friends bday. I was out with my own friends. My mother was watching our son while he was asleep. I ended up going to the bar to wish our friend a happy bday, I didn't know they would be there.

[riobikini]

Musing a few of the things brought up in this thread...things that kinda stick out to me, like: stay out of bars, don't pick fights, don't chase after people who don't love you, don't start having men sleeping with you overnight in front of your children,...small things like that.

 

But -yes- to answer your question, it is possible for (real) love to be restored...that is, once the Great Life Fairy has konked you on the head and sprinkled you with Wake-up Dust...and you've learned how to prioritize a few things in life.

 

-Rio

[Curmudgeon]

You're not going to like my perspective. I have to agree with WWWM. Everything you wrote was controlling -- who she can have around a child she obviously has primary custody of, getting in someone's face over her in a public venue, you name it.

 

Perhaps your ex, or whatever role you've assigned her, would be far more willing to consider some options if you backed off some and accorded her a bit of respect and dignity as opposed to demands and plans you try to make for and about her.

[Cupcake]

No. I think if true love exist, it's never lost. Therefore, you don't have to "restore" it.

[jerbear]

Yes, she just has to say the word to be my wife.

 

I would not cross the line till then. It is not my "job" to stand by her as friend, best friend, lovers, boyfriend, fiance, and husband; till she says the word.

[Dinnj1]

blind_otter: as I said above, the guy is a steroid using prick and I REFUSE to have him around my son. If he was a decent guy, that's fine. I would have to meet him and approve of him.

 

I don't buy this for a minute...

 

Here's my opinion, which you won't like either. I think if she was dating Kevin from American Idol... you STILL wouldn't be happy. Or maybe you're just a little insecure/jealous of the steroid using guy???

Regardless... You keeping saying... "She says this... she says that...." Notice anything here??? They're just words... to pacify you. She doesn't know what she wants. So trust her actions instead....

 

"Yes MRA... I wanna work things out with you.... BUT not tonight cause' my new boyfriend is sleeping over...." HELLO!!!! Doesn't this seem a lil' strange to you??

 

Advice... back off of her... no pressure, no emotions... no feelings. BUT, be a Dad to the kid. And that's it.

[mra]

Dinnj1, you don't have to buy anything.

 

You don't know me, so don't make such assumptions.

 

 

She even said it herself, he is out of control and he's not the "nice" guy she thought he was.

 

And before I even met him, I was very passive about the whole thing. I used to watch our son on the days she was suppose to have him so she can go out with him, or can sleep over or she can sleep over there, etc. I even canceled my plans on valentines day so she can go out with him and sleep over his house. Did I say anything? Did I complain, no.

 

Keep in mind, I have our son 5 days a week, and she has him 2. She has plently of time to what she wants to do when our son isn't around. The 2 days she has him, she should be spending time with our son, and not her BF, imo.

 

I never said anything about her and him together. I asked not to have him around my kid, unless you guys get serious and I approve of him.

 

 

 

Once I meet the guy and found out things about him. That's when I put my foot down about having him around our kid, he's a psycho. And if you tell me I don't have a say in having a psycho around my kid, go **** yourself.

 

"Here's my opinion, which you won't like either. I think if she was dating Kevin from American Idol... you STILL wouldn't be happy" -- would I be happy? of course not, DUH.. could I, would I accept it? yes. Just like I did when she started dating her BF, when I met him = no, I don't accept it, ESPECIALLY if she has our kid around him. Would you want your son to have a step-mother that's a crackhead? **** no.

I assume you don't have any children Dinnj1.

[littlekitty]

The reason I got in his face, for one is I was a little drunk, two he is interfering with my sons time with his mother. She is focusing more time on him then our son.

 

Our son is only 2 years old and I know this will effect him.

 

You sounds like my SO's ex gf and mother of baby. If your ex gf is in a relationship (any relationship) then time is shared between SO and child. If YOU were with her, no doubt spending time with YOU wouldn't be taking away from your sons time with his mother? Just something to think upon.

 

My SO only has his child at weekends (every weekend), and she went off the deepend. But should we be restricted to only see each other during the week because of this? No! Of course not. A relationship is a part of your whole life, as long as she is seeing your son, whether he is there or not isn't really the point. Although she should ensure she has some 1-on-1 time with your son.

 

What will effect your son is having unhappy parents, whether they be together or not. Staying a relationship which isn't working isn't the best thing for any child. Children deserve to see happy, well functioning parents.

 

If you are sincerly concerned for the safety of your son around this guy (not just jealous) then call in the appropriate services.

 

He is not the OM as someone else rightly said, he is her BF.

 

She doesn't sound like she's a place to be working on your relationship. She's sleeping with someone else still and isn't rushing to finish it? Do you need a counseller to tell you that's an issue in your relationship?!!!!

 

If you really want to try, she finishes it today. And tomorrow you start couselling.

 

If she can't committ to it fully then move on and be the best father to your child you can be. Because THAT is the MOST important thing.

[Dinnj1]

You don't know me, so don't make such assumptions.

 

Ok, come here, ask for advice... then shoot everyones consistent opinions down. Opinions = u using your son as leverage.

 

Would you want your son to have a step-mother that's a crackhead?

No... is HE a crackhead? I thought he used steroids... Steroids = increase muscle mass... When cycle is finished, muscle mass is reduced.

 

I assume you don't have any children Dinnj1.

None that I know of... I use protection.

 

 

G'luck... to your ex and new boyfriend.

[whats wrong with me]

 

But -yes- to answer your question, it is possible for (real) love to be restored...that is, once the Great Life Fairy has konked you on the head and sprinkled you with Wake-up Dust...and you've learned how to prioritize a few things in life.

 

-Rio

 

 

I had to laugh!! You sure have a way with words Rio, now why couldn't I have thought of that?

 

MBA... you seem to have been getting defensive. I'm just telling em like I see em..... I said why was everybody at the bar? wheres the kid? you say with mom. YET YOU MUST HAVE FORGOT that earlier you said you were a little drunk...... while your kid (your concern) is asleep at moms house?

 

Look, I've been it your situation except I was the girl....I was 17 or 18... so believe me when I tell you that you cannot dictate to her what to do. Also, I'd guess your mom is the babysitter/grandparent/parent, and that is not right.

 

My main b**** about this whole thread is you are using your child, for whatever reasons (to spend time with her and so forth). I'm sure you love the girl....but dont "use" your kid to get what you want.

 

If you would have posted a question like......

my gf is like hot and cold water, one minute she agrees to go to counseling, then next she's out at the bar with another guy. I love her very much and believe she loves me...can love be rekindled?

you would have got much more supportive answers. But you didn't you chose to USE your child (even in your question). If you dont know what I'm talking about, you will....when you see another guy pulling the same stuff you are.

 

As for your very first question can love be restored (given everything in this thread) No, it was never there to begin with at least not from both of you.

[blind_otter]

I think MRA just wanted to have some external validation for doing some seriously misguided things in the name of delusional thinking. Thus, the defensiveness.

 

This is what happens when people have children and split up -- you no longer have control over your ex, or the people she chooses to be with. It can be infuriating to some. I would hope that you would have good judgement when you choose who to reproduce with, and that you trust their judgement in being able to parent your shared child -- because you're stuck. You HAVE to let her live her life, you have no say any more.

 

If you are seriously concerned about the welfare of your child, as you say, then I recommend you talk to a lawyer and go through the court proceedings to get full custody of the child.

 

But I think this is not the true reason for your drunken, asinine behavior. Just because he reacted poorly to some drunk getting in his face, doesn't make YOUR actions ok. And it's childish to say that. Sounds like my BF's 8 year old. "I had to get into a fight! When I pushed him, he got mad at me!" WTF do you expect?

 

If her BF is out of control, it's her responsibilty to get out of the relationship. Not yours. She is an adult. She needs to make her own decisions, hopefully for the benefit of the child.

 

When you parent as a divorced couple, you both need to put aside your issues with each other and focus on creating the best possible environment -- with the LEAST POSSIBLE AMOUNT OF CONFLICT -- for your child.

[mra]

What I find funny is, everyone says to get lawyer and file for full custody, but don't ask her to try and repair damage between us, or to snap out of her delusion? I think THAT would do more damage to her, me, and our child in the long run, then trying to work things out.

 

Also, you guys weren't there and you guys didn't see how the guy was acting, so don't judge my judgement.

 

My ex says he was way out of control, ya it's called "roid rage". and everyone there said it. Dude is a pycho, simple as that.

 

Ya maybe I am being controlling. But if my ex thinks this guy is going to be my sons future role-model, then she's outof her mind.

 

Someone else said, "no. true love can't be restored because it was never there to begin with" I like how you can sum up 9 years by a few paragraphs. I'm sorry I even posted here.

 

And I'm being defensive because one, I know how I feel. I feel like I will hate her for her actions, then fu**in'a I can feel that way. I'm a wrong for telling her that? no. I'm a right for standing up for what my gut instict tells me. fu**in right I am.

 

 

And don't "hang out" in bars, don't get drunk. Excuse me for watching my son 5 days a week, working 65 hour weeks, and going out once in a year to have a good time on my friends birthday. MY BAD.

 

But ya, I'm just being controlling because things aren't going my way. You guys are right! and thanks for the online psychological analysis

[whats wrong with me]

mra you cant get your head out your butt long enough to realize everyone here is trying to help you! geez....... did I not say my life was screwed up? yeah so why would you assume I dont have any clue whats going on? I've Been there, done that, and made the wrong choice..geez!

[riobikini]

MRA,

 

 

Da Plan:

 

1. Schedule counseling for yourself...invite her...if she doesn't go, still make the appointment by yourself.

 

2. There's not much you can do about the boyfriend she has, -you've already stated to her how you feel about him and estabished a few important "Do's & Don'ts" regarding the boyfriend and your son.

 

3. Wait for results...(this is the hardest part).

 

 

And keep posting to the board...sometimes we get off to a bad start. Sometimes, its due to not enough info being given, and we go on what we've got. For the most part, posters here are sincere, and their experience can be very valuable in a lot of everyday situations. No one meant to hurt you, nor discourage you to despair, I am sure.

 

Here's to a positive outcome.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[blind_otter]

What I find funny is, everyone says to get lawyer and file for full custody, but don't ask her to try and repair damage between us, or to snap out of her delusion? I think THAT would do more damage to her, me, and our child in the long run, then trying to work things out.

 

If she says one thing and does another, wtf are you going to keep chasing her? You can only control your actions.

 

You cannot snap someone out of delusion if you're completely involved in your own delusional process. Personally I think you're projecting -- she needs to take care of herself, like a full grown adult is responsible to do. You need to take care of yourself.

 

Focus on coming to a conflict resolution that provides the least amount of conflit for your son.