noclobber Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 I am curious to know why women hesitate so much to get into a relationship after a break-up? I know it hurts but why exactly you don't want to get into a new one? Is it b'cos you are afraid you will get hurt again? Does it not make more sense to date someone new so that you can move on quickly? And how fair is it for a new guy to be denied of the relationship opportunity with you b'cos of what your ex did to you?
catgirl1927 Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 I have never understood this either. I mean, it's one thing not to run around chasing boys because you're afriad to be alone, but if you meet someone you really like then why not?
justagirliegirl Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 I never did understand the need to find a quick replacement. I enjoy being alone. I find the whole dating process annoying and it detracts from my otherwise full life. I don't really need anyone but if someone that is compatible comes along I might indulge. I am happily with someone now.
smile Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Well I just ended a crazy rollercoaster of a 4 yr relationship and feel I got into a new relationship too fast. The reason isn't because I was afraid of being hurt, it was my fear of hurting him. Does that make sense? I mean I wound up going through stuff ... blaming him for things that seemed so similar to what my ex did. Expecting he was the same, and maybe even testing him to see how different he was. I never wanted to do it, never meant to do it, but it's called a rebound and I screwed up a good thing. Also I had a hard time knowing where to start. Everything went from 0-60 in less than a second and it felt like a full on relationship 2 days in. I only remembered what it was like to be IN a relationship, not how to start one. I know it makes me sound like a crazy girl but other ppl I know have done similar things. They say it's just what happens with a rebound. And you don't want to waste a good relationship getting over a bad one.
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 I am curious to know why women hesitate so much to get into a relationship after a break-up? I know it hurts but why exactly you don't want to get into a new one? Is it b'cos you are afraid you will get hurt again? Does it not make more sense to date someone new so that you can move on quickly? And how fair is it for a new guy to be denied of the relationship opportunity with you b'cos of what your ex did to you? Personally, I don't think it's fair to jump into another relationship so quickly after one ends. It's better to be over the other person, and be in a good frame of mind, and be ready to even consider dating and thinking intimate thoughts about someone else after a break-up. Maybe it's different for men, some are able to shut off their emotions and just go for the next relationship...I can't do that, and I'm sure many other women can't either. It really isn't about getting hurt again, (in my experience) it's getting the other person OUT of your heart. It's impossible to think about having emotional attachment, sexual attraction for someone new if you're still trying to get over the breakup.
l2hvn Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 I am curious to know why women hesitate so much to get into a relationship after a break-up? I know it hurts but why exactly you don't want to get into a new one? Is it b'cos you are afraid you will get hurt again? Does it not make more sense to date someone new so that you can move on quickly? And how fair is it for a new guy to be denied of the relationship opportunity with you b'cos of what your ex did to you? Because they're just not ready. Period. It's not because they don't want to get hurt again or anything. But mostly it's because they have to deal with their own issues first. Deal with the healing process. Deal with all the angst, hurt, hate, pain, sadness, etc. They need to figure out what went wrong in the last relationship, and how to make it better the next time. Only she acts on her own pace. Nothing you can do or say that will really change her mind, unless, of course, she's ready. And if she's a woman with integrity, she will let you know of this and will not lead you on.
basscatcher Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 I don't find it hard to move on. I waited about 2 1/2 months after I walked out of my marriage. I needed to unwind and run free. I have since waited about a month to a month and a half thereafter. When I get out of a relationship I have already dealt with most of my emotions while physically still involved before I WALK out. I move on so I can move on and not get stuck in my loss, piety party, and dreams. I greif hard when I am first hit with a break up or anticiapation of it. Look at my thread about thoughts to ponder.... I am one who gets pulled hard and fast. Letting go and moving on isn't a slow process for me. I go through the emotions at a fast pace. I don't understand how people get hung up and live in fear of moving forward.. It is scary taking a chance again but you wont know until you try. Pain from a broken heart is not something I fear. I fear always being alone and never finding someone to hold or hold me.
Author noclobber Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 Okay so when a woman rejects a man with the sentence - "I just broke-up with my boyfriend and I don't want to be in a relationship with any man now" or something along those lines... Does she really mean it? I believe that's a way to gently let the guy down..
catgirl1927 Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 I had to get my head straight after my marriage, and I had a couple of disastrous flings as I tried to figure out what was up with me. But that was a huge deal, I was ending a 7 year relationship. If you're dating someone for 3-6 months and you say, I need some time, then maybe you are just blowing him off. Then again, I have friends who told me that I needed to deliberately stay single for at least a year after my divorce, no boyfriends, no dates, no NOTHING for 365 days because that's "the rule." The moral of the story is, some women are just toony.
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Okay so when a woman rejects a man with the sentence - "I just broke-up with my boyfriend and I don't want to be in a relationship with any man now" or something along those lines... Does she really mean it? I believe that's a way to gently let the guy down.. Either that is exactly what she means, word for word - Or she is not into you. Give it some time, and then see how she is. It is the nice way of letting someone know they're not interested. IF that is the case.
MadDog Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Okay so when a woman rejects a man with the sentence - "I just broke-up with my boyfriend and I don't want to be in a relationship with any man now" or something along those lines... Does she really mean it? I believe that's a way to gently let the guy down.. It could be either the truth or a rejection. Either way, it's probably better to not date someone who just got out of a relationship anyway. There's a good chance you'll be what's called the "rebound." But then you have what are called serial monogomists who hop from one relationship to the next without ever really being single for more than a week. Those people (sorry to say normally girls) are pretty annoying. MD
catgirl1927 Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 It could be either the truth or a rejection. Either way, it's probably better to not date someone who just got out of a relationship anyway. There's a good chance you'll be what's called the "rebound." But then you have what are called serial monogomists who hop from one relationship to the next without ever really being single for more than a week. Those people (sorry to say normally girls) are pretty annoying. MD Uh oh. I think that's me. I've been single (like, not even dating anyone casually) for no more than 6 months in my entire life. And that was after my divorce.
basscatcher Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Uh oh. I think that's me. I've been single (like, not even dating anyone casually) for no more than 6 months in my entire life. And that was after my divorce. Me too..(well since I was 14 w/1st bf) I don't like not having someone in my life to connect with.. I like the communication and companionship. I like haivng a date to go do things with. I like relationships.. I like one man whom I can cuddle with, talk to, look at, enjoy, touch. etc etc. serial monogomists -- hmm ill have to research this term out.
l2hvn Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 But then you have what are called serial monogomists who hop from one relationship to the next without ever really being single for more than a week. Those people (sorry to say normally girls) are pretty annoying. MD I agree. I was single for about 4 years (by choice) and just dating around, before I could finally trust somebody again. I guess it was a time period where I was still finding out alot about myself (had a lot to do with age), what I want in a guy, my life priorities, etc. I had to deal with my own baggages first before I could jump into a serious relationship. To be honest, I was fine being single. I didn't need a man to make me happy or to just keep me company. And a lot of times, people have a hard time believing that. I know a lot of people who just absolutely had to be with somebody (for whatever reason, afraid to be alone perhaps). I don't really get them.
nicki Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 I've said the "Not ready for a relationship after a break up" line before. I meant it. To me, it's great when a guy asks why and wants to know the reasons. Then, if it's because I just want to be casual, he can decide if that's what he wants. If it's because I'm dealing with stuff, afraid to get hurt, etc., then they guy knows going into it. Or maybe I just want to be alone for a while. If a guy isn't sure about the woman's feelings, he is smart to ask a follow-up question like "Are you thinking I'm friend material?" Then a girl can just nod yes. Some women won't say it. I guess they don't want to hurt a guy's feelings. (I don't understand that myself. If it's true, I usually say it early on to spare feelings.) Anyway, sometimes a woman needs time alone. Sometimes she needs a healing relationship, but I wouldn't call it a rebound, if both parties know what's going on. I would be honest with a new guy. Then he could give as much as he wanted to. Who knows. Maybe given time, it could turn into a true love relationship. Typical "Rebound"s usually don't work because one party is either lying or staying silent about still wanting someone else. Ouch. Better to be off by yourself dealing with it, or honest with a new partner.
Author noclobber Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 So Nicki are you saying that the female will not be able to develop feelings for a new guy if she just came out of a lengthy relationship? Instead she would just prefer male friendships and take time to heal? I've said the "Not ready for a relationship after a break up" line before. I meant it. To me, it's great when a guy asks why and wants to know the reasons. Then, if it's because I just want to be casual, he can decide if that's what he wants. If it's because I'm dealing with stuff, afraid to get hurt, etc., then they guy knows going into it. Or maybe I just want to be alone for a while. If a guy isn't sure about the woman's feelings, he is smart to ask a follow-up question like "Are you thinking I'm friend material?" Then a girl can just nod yes. Some women won't say it. I guess they don't want to hurt a guy's feelings. (I don't understand that myself. If it's true, I usually say it early on to spare feelings.) Anyway, sometimes a woman needs time alone. Sometimes she needs a healing relationship, but I wouldn't call it a rebound, if both parties know what's going on. I would be honest with a new guy. Then he could give as much as he wanted to. Who knows. Maybe given time, it could turn into a true love relationship. Typical "Rebound"s usually don't work because one party is either lying or staying silent about still wanting someone else. Ouch. Better to be off by yourself dealing with it, or honest with a new partner.
SuperMonk Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 It's not just women, but men as well but women have an easier time to date anyone they want, this is where they may make huge mistakes (see rebound) - I see it as an insecure "fulfillment fill in the void" kinda thing.
nicki Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Yes and no. I think, for me, I can be attracted to a guy but still healing from another relationship. I will want to be with the new guy physically, but take things slow. Sometimes a relationship can be healing, even if it doesn't end up a long-term relationship. Or it can turn into a long-term relationship. Just depends on what happens. But, I will be attracted to this guy. Any "friendship" in this case just means taking it slow before getting physical, but I'll want to eventually sleep with him. Some women say let's be friends first, then see where it goes. Make sure she is physically attracted to you. I'd tell her that you want to date her, but willing to take it slow. Friends zone is for the guys I don't want to sleep with. A pure "friends" guy will not be physically attractive to me. I would just want to be friends. Nothing more. I let this be known early on. I don't like the idea of keeping guys on the back burner with a hope for more. I don't become spontaneously attracted to a guy friend. It's a spark that is there at the beginning, even if I want to take my time lighting the fire. And sometimes, I'll just want to chill out by myself and not have the pressure of a relationship or dating hassles. A guy would do well to call me once in a while when I'm in that kind of mood. Then he would be in my mind when I did want to date. Every woman is different. Just make sure you ask questions, and tell her that you appreciate your honesty. And then be sure to date other women, too, until she gives you the signal she wants you to be in a relationship with her.
Author noclobber Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 Friends zone is for the guys I don't want to sleep with. After reading all the posts this is the feeling that I get - It's purely about whether you want to sleep with someone or not. It's just about sex. Nothing else! If you feel like somebody is f*** worthy then they are your lovers otherwise they are reduced to the humiliating status of "only friends"
ms_jnj Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Well I just ended a crazy rollercoaster of a 4 yr relationship and feel I got into a new relationship too fast. The reason isn't because I was afraid of being hurt, it was my fear of hurting him. Does that make sense? I mean I wound up going through stuff ... blaming him for things that seemed so similar to what my ex did. Expecting he was the same, and maybe even testing him to see how different he was. I never wanted to do it, never meant to do it, but it's called a rebound and I screwed up a good thing. Also I had a hard time knowing where to start. Everything went from 0-60 in less than a second and it felt like a full on relationship 2 days in. I only remembered what it was like to be IN a relationship, not how to start one. I know it makes me sound like a crazy girl but other ppl I know have done similar things. They say it's just what happens with a rebound. And you don't want to waste a good relationship getting over a bad one. Meeee too. The above is exactly why women are hesitant to get into a relationship right away. This sounds exactly like what happened to me shortly after the break up of a long term relationship when I started dating a guy too soon. Good answer Smile!
nicki Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Nooo, it's not about sex. It's about attraction, connection, intimacy. I never have "sex." It's about sharing and expressing passion, intimacy with someone you care about. friend + lover= Boyfriend/Girlfriend friend + no attraction = platonic friendship lover = someone you are physically attracted to, want to be emotionally and physically intimate with. I'm just differentiating between the two types of friendship: friendship with someone you are NOT attracted to, and friendship with someone you are attracted to. The latter one has the potential to lead to more. Yes, I think a woman can be friends with a guy, and then become his girlfriend. That's a natural progression. Friends, then lovers. But, I think she already knows at the beginning that she would like more with the guy, is attracted to him. She is just is taking it slow while getting to know each other. I always tell potential boyfriends that I am attracted to them, and want to get to know them and enjoy their company for a while before taking it to the next level. That way, they know they are in the game, and I have a few weeks/months to enjoy time with them before taking it physical and being intimate. A pure guy "friend" who I am not attracted to gets told that I only see him as a friend, that he and I aren't going anywhere. If he's not attracted to me, then we can be pals, but if he IS attracted to me, then I won't stay friends with him. Because, honestly, he has other motives. And I won't stay "friends" with a guy I desire if he doesn't desire me. And really, I have had very few true GUY friends. Most make a move anyway. So, I'm a bit of leery of the whole "friends" thing. Many girls and guys use the word to disguise their true progression of feelings. It can be very confusing. Just find out if the girl is attracted to you. Then you will know if there is a possibility of more. Friends is a good first step, but if you want to progress, then see if she sees that as an option, too.
Author noclobber Posted March 23, 2006 Author Posted March 23, 2006 That was right on Nicki! Thanks for the clear explanation Nooo, it's not about sex. It's about attraction, connection, intimacy. I never have "sex." It's about sharing and expressing passion, intimacy with someone you care about. friend + lover= Boyfriend/Girlfriend friend + no attraction = platonic friendship lover = someone you are physically attracted to, want to be emotionally and physically intimate with. I'm just differentiating between the two types of friendship: friendship with someone you are NOT attracted to, and friendship with someone you are attracted to. The latter one has the potential to lead to more. Yes, I think a woman can be friends with a guy, and then become his girlfriend. That's a natural progression. Friends, then lovers. But, I think she already knows at the beginning that she would like more with the guy, is attracted to him. She is just is taking it slow while getting to know each other. I always tell potential boyfriends that I am attracted to them, and want to get to know them and enjoy their company for a while before taking it to the next level. That way, they know they are in the game, and I have a few weeks/months to enjoy time with them before taking it physical and being intimate. A pure guy "friend" who I am not attracted to gets told that I only see him as a friend, that he and I aren't going anywhere. If he's not attracted to me, then we can be pals, but if he IS attracted to me, then I won't stay friends with him. Because, honestly, he has other motives. And I won't stay "friends" with a guy I desire if he doesn't desire me. And really, I have had very few true GUY friends. Most make a move anyway. So, I'm a bit of leery of the whole "friends" thing. Many girls and guys use the word to disguise their true progression of feelings. It can be very confusing. Just find out if the girl is attracted to you. Then you will know if there is a possibility of more. Friends is a good first step, but if you want to progress, then see if she sees that as an option, too.
Delectable Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 friend + lover= Boyfriend/Girlfriend friend + no attraction = platonic friendship lover = someone you are physically attracted to, want to be emotionally and physically intimate with. Not sure I am clear about the difference between boyfriend/girlfriend and lover. If you want to share yourself emotionally and physically with both???
Mary3 Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Your answer is right here : Personally, I don't think it's fair to jump into another relationship so quickly after one ends. It's better to be over the other person, and be in a good frame of mind, and be ready to even consider dating and thinking intimate thoughts about someone else after a break-up. Maybe it's different for men, some are able to shut off their emotions and just go for the next relationship...I can't do that, and I'm sure many other women can't either. It really isn't about getting hurt again, (in my experience) it's getting the other person OUT of your heart. It's impossible to think about having emotional attachment, sexual attraction for someone new if you're still trying to get over the breakup And might I add....````````` Absolutely Correcta~Mundo ~! Until you have healed you cannot replace one set of baggage with another one. Get healed , Get smart, Get Available , in Every Way !
Mary3 Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Is this a specific girl you are interested in who told you she is not interested in a relationship right now ? I ask because I know you recently had a relationship end ?
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