KittenMoon Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 I spent yet another night sobbing on the phone to my mom. I'm feeling like the break-up is all my fault. If only I hadn't gotten upset at him for feeling like he was treating me like his mom or his secretary. If only I hadn't set a physical date for wanting to see a turnaround in his treatment of me. If only I hadn't berated him so much for being a workaholic. Is this just another stage? I feel like I f***ed up the best thing in my life. I had a million chances at getting exactly what I wanted, and I screwed it up. I know it's not all me- he's been emotionally immature this whole time. He's made me feel awful for being emotional, as if I should be getting over us after only a few weeks. Why is it so wrong to be devastated by the end of a six year relationship. I wish he had just told me his feelings before the break-up, that he wanted a commitment or an ending, etc. Instead, he just let himself resent me more and more, and I just fueled the fire. I just want him back, I want what we had back and I don't want to start thinking about him like I have been. I want him to be a happy memory, a happy past, instead of the anger I have been feeling, the desire to try to force him to love me again (which obviously doesn't work). I feel like I am in high school again. I wish I had given him some hope- maybe he would have worked harder when we hit the rough spots.
destination_unknown Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 hey KM, i think the thinking its all your fault is a phase, i know i went through that. I guess its not really about fault when a relationship ends.(except perhaps where cheating was involved which wasnt in your relationship) there isnt any point in "if onlys" though it will only get you really frustrated, i just got out of that phase and man i know its not nice. you felt what you felt at the time in the relationship and said so, thats not such a terrible offense now is it? we all get emotional sometimes because hey were human. heres a good book for ya to read, its really helped me. (ok so i got the recommendation from one of those how to get your ex back books but thats not what its about) I think it might help you get through this, and most importantly get through it without the pain. its: Warner, C. Terry. (2001) "Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves." Arbinger Institute. ISBN: 1-57345-919-4.
Author KittenMoon Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 I think I'm just running through the stages. It kills me to know he's probably just feeling free from the shackles of me. I feel like he would have worked harder if I had just given him some hope before the end of everthing. I'm sad and it's running so deep that I don't even know where some of these feelings are coming from. My biggest concilation? He'll never find a gf like me again. And he'll figure that out sooner or later!
prfrogkisser Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 I have to agree with destination unknown,. Its a phase...1st you blame yourself then you blame him. Why stay in a relationship that wasnt up to your expectations and needs?. Why prolong the pain and hurt? I know its difficult girl... Ive also been there. Its the worse feeling.This is just temporary.Im sure you will see the light and understand this was just destroying you and him and if you guys are meant to be together you will be. You were not happy thats why you argued. You shouldnt settle for less. He should have treated you like you deserved. During my tough breakup and recovery i read 2 books that i always recommend. They are honest and best of all written by a man. Greg Brehrendt has even been in the Oprah Show. He is just not that into you: The no excuse truth to understanding guys and It's called a breakup because its broken: the smarts girls break up buddy. The 1st book deals with those mix messages men give and the other helps you mend a broken heart.
Author KittenMoon Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 In my heart, I know the both of us were in a rut and the stress of that was a big part of driving us apart. It's hard to be in your mid-20's! He kept saying (while contempleting the break-up for some reason) "I'm going to be 30!!!" He's 26! I know I just feel things deeper than he does. I know he gets scared when emotions overwhelm him and it's easier for him to shut off. I'll get to blaming him soon enough. I just am afraid I'll start villanizing him in my head. Y'know what my biggest problem is in bad situations? I forgive people for their faults because I let myself understand where they are coming from in that person! I'm too empathic- he's not empathic enough! Thanks for the book suggestions- right now my support books are the most violent graphic novels I can get my hands on! (Is he going to find a girl who digs comic books again.....nooooooo!)
the_alchemyst Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 I spent yet another night sobbing on the phone to my mom. I'm feeling like the break-up is all my fault. If only I hadn't gotten upset at him for feeling like he was treating me like his mom or his secretary. If only I hadn't set a physical date for wanting to see a turnaround in his treatment of me. If only I hadn't berated him so much for being a workaholic. Is this just another stage? I feel like I f***ed up the best thing in my life. I had a million chances at getting exactly what I wanted, and I screwed it up. I know it's not all me- he's been emotionally immature this whole time. He's made me feel awful for being emotional, as if I should be getting over us after only a few weeks. Why is it so wrong to be devastated by the end of a six year relationship. I wish he had just told me his feelings before the break-up, that he wanted a commitment or an ending, etc. Instead, he just let himself resent me more and more, and I just fueled the fire. I just want him back, I want what we had back and I don't want to start thinking about him like I have been. I want him to be a happy memory, a happy past, instead of the anger I have been feeling, the desire to try to force him to love me again (which obviously doesn't work). I feel like I am in high school again. I wish I had given him some hope- maybe he would have worked harder when we hit the rough spots. You kind of remind me of myself. Granted, I was only in this relationship for 2 years, instead of 6. However, what makes it harder is that we loved each other way before we began dating; we were just too shy to say it. So, I don't really count the years we were in the relationship, but the years we were in love: 5. I keep thinking: Oh, why can't I do back to last week?! If only I would have shut the F. up and quit being such a possessive nazi, we would be okay right now! I would be seeing him later this evening . . . we would be going to Six Flags this weekend . . . we would be going to E3 later down the road. But nooo, how could I act like a normal human being? How could I, even after telling myself that not seeing him was okay because I had homework to do, just hug him, tease and tell him he would have to make it up to me, and shut the hell up?! And then I proceed to wanting to smack myself. Why? Because I, like you, feel like I ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me. Is it really our faults, though? I mean, okay . . . so I acted like a total idiot, yes, but could he really not forgive me for that? It's not like he never messes up. Was that royal mess up on my part really so grand that he wanted to leave? Didn't take that much, then. I believe that deep down both you and I know it's not our fault. I guess we are just trying to blame ourselves in order to find justifications and answers for why we are in the situation we are in. I also think that we do this because we truly love them so much that, where they to come back, we would take them back without a doubt, and that this is easier if we blame ourselves: "OH, he came back after I messed up! He loves me!" You know? What crap. But I totally feel you on the shackle thing. My exbf would jokingly call me his ball and chain, although now I don't know how much of a joke that really was . . . The feeling that we are here being miserable while they are out there having the time of their lives, feeling relieved and free, is devastating! I also try to think like you: I think I'm the best gf he will ever find! I think I'm pretty, intelligent, funny, well-mannered, considerate, thoughtful, caring, loving, and loyal. And I say these because these are the ones he used to describe me, and I must say I agree. So, I think: Will he find someone better than me? No way! But then I hear about him going out with girls, not knowing if they are dates (he claimed he did not want to be with anyone, but then, you know, I think that he's dating around and that'll he'll soon be intimate with them (which is worsened by the fact that we were each other's firsts)) or if they are just friends and I want to fall over and die. Then I think that maybe he's having fun with them moreso than he had with me . . . . So thinking that makes me feel better temporarily, but then the doubts set in. *huggles Kitten* Why, oh why? Hey--at least you know that on those nights when you are home crying, there's someone else (cough) that's doing the same.
fraidycat Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Okay Let's look at this properly shall we, He made you feel badly for being emotional? He was immature? He had a little problem with oh say..communicating truthful feelings..and what he wanted? Now he's everything you wanted why? I am telling you- relationships end, that's hard- but if you go back and examine them it's always a classic case of someone boo hooing over a bad relationship as if it were some precious jewel. Now listein, please don't think I am saying you shouldn't be sad; He can be jerk all he wants and a relationship ending is going to be hurtful and sad I am not saying any different- what I am saying is, don't make this out to be a dreamboat of a ride just on account of it ending. It sounds like you did a lot of ultamatems, if the relationship were that good you wouldn't of been spending your time doing them..please realize that. Relationships hurt when they end no matter who's fault or who was how much a jerk or what the circumstance but don't sit around feeling badly or like you lost a good thing, you lost a relationship but as I said..there were ultamatems and some guy who made you feel badly for being emotional? come on now babe, you can do better
DogBrain Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Kitten, I am new at all this (I'm a mere 56) but I'll suggest that a person who is a self-described "holic" (workaholic, alcoholic) is engaged in the activity to mask personal issues. I too loved a workoholic - actually I considered her drive/persistance to be an asset until I realized that she was incapable of being "off the clock" even when her activity destroyed her family. After the family was destroyed, she went to work on me... she was ALWAYS late, she made promises that were, frankly unbelievable (yeah, I believed them); when she decided that SHE had to choose between the career and me (I could easily have supported her at twice her current level of comfort), she couldn't even take the time to sit and talk with me. Too busy, too much to do. I found out this week that five months after she walked out, she came home one night babbling that Satan was taking all of her friends and was deceiving her by acting like the light. While I spent much of the last year doing a walking-wounded impression (poor, poor, me) she was fighting for her sanity. No, none of us (except possible Rio) is close to perfect. But most well-adjusted adults know that they must leave space in their lives to deal with the ups and downs (major and minor). A person who does not do that has self-esteem issues. He may be truly wonderful (my ex certainly was), but he is not demonstrating that he is capable of acting in his own best interests, let alone yours. I'll postulate that successful lives and successful relationships share balance as a common trait. Take this experience with you as a very valuable lesson. db
In Sync Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 .... relationships end, that's hard- but if you go back and examine them it's always a classic case of someone boo hooing over a bad relationship as if it were some precious jewel. ..... don't sit around feeling badly or like you lost a good thing, you lost a relationship....... and some guy who made you feel badly for being emotional? come on now babe, you can do better Right On!! Good point..Where were you 5 months ago??...boy was I boo-hooing...now I'm just down to boo.
Author KittenMoon Posted March 23, 2006 Author Posted March 23, 2006 I know all these things are true- he simple could not connect on the emotional level I needed. He's always avoided strong emotions. And I know why- he's scared. He's scared of going that deep because he's never had to. Our relationship was wonderful- he's an amazing person- but he doesn't give anything emotional that isn't easy for him to give. Back him into a corner, make him feel something he doesn't understand, and he runs away from it. Like he ran away from me. Right now I know he feels like he's on the strong end of it, because I am the one breaking down, losing weight, crying everyday, feeling completely devastated. But then I remind myself that he barely tried to keep it going, because sacrificing himself was too scary. And that he didn't even have the guts in the end to end the relationship himself, he made me do it, TWICE, telling him "it's ok, it's ok, this is obviously what you want, there's no compromise to fix this". I got dumped and I comforted HIM. It wasn't until the other day that he could say "I'm not coming back." Why would he at this point- it's so easy for him now to move forward because he didn't do any of the hard work! He can say that now because the hardest part had been done, and not by him! But he doesn't get this. I see all of his fear- I see it when he can't even look at me because he starts crying, I've seen it over the years when something very emotional happens to him and he doesn't even acknowledge it. I know he's gotta grow up A LOT. I just wonder if he ever will. And I wonder how he ever will without the person in his life that knows him best- me. Maybe he won't, and that makes me sad. But there's nothing I can do about it anymore, as much as I want to be there for him. I guess I'll just keep feeling the pain for the both of us. But in the end, I'm beginning to realize that I was the much stronger person.
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