Guest Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 I am married and my wife and I have a good relationship. We've had our rough days but generally things are great. My question is this. Am I wrong to expect a little privacy? In particular, I am talking about my computer and the internet. I feel like my email is my email. I have no interest in having relationships or hiding anything serious but still, I think she should trust me enough to not need my password so she can log in and read my email. She has let her email open to me in the past but I have no interest in reading it. I trust her. I would feel like I was spying on her if I read it. Besides, she could always have other email accounts I don't know about so what's the point? I also usually maintain an admin account on my computer(s) with a password that only I know. Is it wrong to want a little privacy in a relationship? I love my wife but I am still an individual. I've always been kind of a private person. I like to keep things to myself. I lived the life of a single person until I was 30. I've opened up a lot to my wife but some things I just want to remain mine. So, I guess there are 2 issues here. Trust and need for privacy. Which is worse. My need for privacy or her show of mistrust for asking for my passwords? I should add that this is not a serious relationship breaking issue. We have generally come to terms with things. She seems to be opening up to the idea that I want some privacy and that's all and it's not because I am cheating or doing something harmful to our relationship. I think I have an easier time trusting her than she has trusting me...even though I have never betrayed her. She had a boyfriend cheat on her online before and I think that is still an issue. I love gadgets and I tend to move from gadget to gadget. She thinks I am going to get tired of her and move on the the next "gadget". She wants to equate her role in my life as similar to the role in my life of a new smartphone or laptop computer. I am not sure how to make her understand that she can't make such a comparison. I didn't keep this as succinct as I intended but I guess we have a few issues to deal with. Thanks for any advice.
Guesttoo Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 My question is this. Am I wrong to expect a little privacy? In particular, I am talking about my computer and the internet. I feel like my email is my email. I have no interest in having relationships or hiding anything serious but still, I think she should trust me enough to not need my password so she can log in and read my email. This issue is very interesting. Some people are very comfortable with being completely open, including sharing passwords, PIN numbers and all other information with their partners. Others feel the need to keep some things 'private'. Problems can arise when the pair consists of one of each sort of person, as you've found. I think it's not unnatural to think that someone who is uncomfortable with you seeing things is uncomfortable because there's something to hide. Each couple has to negotiate its own path through this minefield.
Craig Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 My question is this. Am I wrong to expect a little privacy?Nope. Having privacy is not a bad thing, everyone needs some privacy. Secrets, though are bad. Secrets are private matters that may affect the relationship. As one LS'er put it so very well, "Those who have nothing to hide...still have a right to privacy. screw dr. phil. does he sh*t with the door open?--me, cause that's how i feel about it."
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Let's say your wife has her girlfriend over, they're sitting around, chatting away about things - You are nearby, listening in...Or she's on the phone, and takes it into another room so she can have some privacy while she's talking to her friend...Ask her if she would mind if you followed her and listened to her conversation? I'm betting that she wouldn't like that one bit, and if she found out you were listening nearby if the friend was over, she probably wouldn't like that either. She had a boyfriend cheat on her online before and I think that is still an issue. I Bingo! That is the problem and both of you have to sort this out. You aren't doing anything wrong, she does know this, but her past is haunting her and it's clouding her mind and making her wonder WHY you want privacy on the computer, email etc...
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 I have my own password to my PC, so does my H.
Guest Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Thanks for the responses. She is a frequent user of IM and keeps friends and colleagues in her list. One is a male friend she knew before she moved. He is now married and has a baby. She has some photos of herself (they are actually quite good) that he took. I had never known that he took them. She showed me his website that also has some photos from our wedding and congratulating her. She also told me sometimes he said innapropriate things to her and that she didn't like talking to him for that reason. So I asked why she needs to keep him in her list. She said it's because she wants to keep up with his photography and see his baby picture. She said it's her right to keep that contact. I never suggested she break it, I just wondered and asked a question. She has friends of the opposite sex. Fine. I personally have none. I used to but I don't want there to be any sign of impropriety. Also, I doubt she would be as trusting if I had friends of the opposite sex. Anyway, it's fine to me that she does. I trust her. I told her that. So I think I deserve a little leeway with my own privacy.
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Is it possible that she is projecting some sort of guilt, by not trusting you to give her access to your emails, and she is possibly doing something she shouldnt' be doing????
JadeStar Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Is it possible that she is projecting some sort of guilt, by not trusting you to give her access to your emails, and she is possibly doing something she shouldnt' be doing???? My thoughts exactly. But WWIU beat me too it. Jade
catgirl1927 Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 I think she's afraid of being hurt, and people will always say if you have nothing to hide then when have any privacy. As someone who has both been cheated on and lied to, and who has also been told that I have no right to privacy, I believe that respecting someone's privacy as a basic human right is just something you should do. I have my BF's passwords and he has mine. I don't use his, even in the worst fit of insecurity and jealousy, because I think it is wrong to snoop. People have a right to privacy. As hard as trust is, you have to give each new person the benefit of the doubt.
Lil Honey Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Guest: Can you get your dose of privacy in another way? Why does it have to be on the computer? THAT might be the problem, along with the fact that your wife has been cheated on. I can understand how it bugs you, since you aren't doing anything wrong. My ex used to stand right there and listen to my phone conversations with my girl friends (then he'd deny it), and we would be talking about stuff that no real man would be interested in. Maybe you could carve out some privacy when you go golfing or something. One thing that I deemed off-limits to any one is my purse. A woman's purse is a woman's purse and you keep your hands out of it. The same goes for a man's wallet. Few situations call for me going into my boyfriend's wallet. (I left a sticky note saying I love you in it once, but I didn't even open it all the way.) My ex has opened my purse to grab a couple bucks for lunch and that isn't a big deal either, because I know he needed to.
Shell Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 Privacy - now theres a thing! My bf is like you, he says his mobile phones are private - he has one for work and a personal one. He checks his personal one every two minutes as he tends to have it on silent or vibrate. It bugs me i must say and also feel he has something to hide - I am a very open person and dont mind if he wants to see my phone - he says he doesnt want to see it as he trusts me. Maybe if you invite her to join you when you are on the computer, it might satisfy her need to know, then hopefully, she would leave you alone, knowing that you are doing nothing wrong.
carmaenforcer Posted March 29, 2006 Posted March 29, 2006 My W and I had this privacy discussion a while back. I think it's one of the natural growing phases of a relationship. Unfortunately for my W, she lost all my trust a while back when she cheated on me (before getting engaged) and for a while she had no privacy what so ever. She hated it but could not argue too much. I did however begin to give in and allow myself to trust her again. After all, you can not have a healthy relationship with someone you can't trust. She has shown me that she deserves it and so I have given it. Trust that is and with this comes privacy. Me trusting her again even after what we've been through, I think has helped her appreciate and love me more. I think as a result she has since become a really great W and with that I find it easier to trust her more. Slow progress, but we both have to work on it sometime despite our own needs and wants. Your W has to learn to trust you, if you deserve it. And you need to know that hiding things doesn't breed trust, full access openness does.
Tim'sAngel Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 First, to answer your question, yes I think everyone is entitled to their privacy. However, it seems to always be an issue in relationships. As for me and my bf (whom I practically live with and am moving in w/him in a month) we never ask for passwords or access to each others private things, we just let things come naturally. Example: I needed to run to the store to get my son some milk but had no cash and he was too busy to come with me, so he gave me his debit card and told me his passcode. I would have never ever asked for it, but he knew I needed something and that he could trust me with it. I think if your wife is asking for your password then she has some kind of insecurity or maybe as someone else commented has guilt of her own. I think everyone gets a lil curious at some point or another, but even so we should either wait until access to private things are needed or let it go. If someone doesn't trust another, then that person has absolutely no reason to be with them. Relationships are all about trust.
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