temptris33 Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 okay. I'm going to make this as short as possible. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. He's 27. I'm 37. We just came back from a great vacation together just over a week ago. I briefly saw him last Thursday in the evening and then he went to a bike race for the entire weekend. I didn't want to go. My mom ended up in the hospital with a broken leg and knee (she's 71, has only one leg and is very frail) on Sunday. She went into surgery that night. I briefly saw him for 5 minutes when he got back into town and then he headed to his shop. Well, I haven't spent ANY time with him since Thursday. and then for that 5 minutes on Sunday. Almost 5 days. He called me last night around 630. He was at the bank with his best buddy and said he loved me and missed me soooo much ...said he'd call me before he went to bed...something that we do every night. Well, at 10:30 I still hadn't heard from him so I called his apt...(a tiny room above the shop) and no answer....so, I drove up there. I hadn't been up there for a long time. I called his cave again while driving up there and he answered with a fake "tired voice". I asked him what he was doing...he said "oh, I was sleeping" I told him that I called a few ago and wasn't there. He then said oh well I went over to my friends (same friend from earlier that he worked all day with) and ate over at his moms house and hung out. I WAS PISSED! With all the stuff going on with my mom and not seeing him for about 5 days...I felt slighted. How come he didn't want to come hang with me for an hour instead of spending the evening with his friend since he just stated earlier how much he missed me! ? Am I justified for being so angry? I take alot of crap from him and I put up with it. I normally never lose my cool, but I did. I did call earlier and leave a msg and apologize for yelling at him and that I didn't go up there to have a blow out..only talk..I said sorry for that. I have yet to hear back from him. I'm so mad. Am I completely out of line for wanting to spend some time with him and voicing how I feel about it? How come he couldn't come down for an hour instead of his buddy? He sees him every day..HELP I don't know if I should send him packing or wait to see if he calls.
Mary3 Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 When someone is suddenly * busy * alot it usually means they are not interested in being with you anymore. ( in most cases ) He has alot of the signs. But I warn you if you push this any further you will lose him for good. Let him cool down. Let him miss you. Let him decide. You may be coming to the end of your relationship
jerbear Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 This sounds very familiar to what I experienced. What I've done and what she has done. From my point of view, I gave up and lost interest. Found out she was testing me all this time and I failed after 5 years. I needed a cooling off period to refocus on what I needed but I don't have a friend like his. Who is this friend? Having your mom, (same age as my ex's mom) in need of medical care, can really take a toll in a relationship. Gives him (27 yr old) a reality check. In all honesty, the ball right now is in his court; he has to call you back; If after a week; I think another contact can be made but in all honesty. Don't push to hard, let him slowly comeback. Depends on who "his friend" is.
Author temptris33 Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 His "friend" is his best friend (male) that he has grown up with. They live right by each other as well. When I went up to his house the other night to confront him about how I felt he said that he loved me and didn't want to break up (actually yelled it at me). I'm just really confused. He did call me last night around 7. He was going to come down, but he had a pump connected to his truck and would have to park somewhere out of his sight if he came down to see me. I just don't know. I REALLY appreciate all the advice that you guys give. I truly take it to heart. I'm just so confused whether or not I should have just kept my mouth shut or not. I felt that I was justified for being upset with him -for him choosing to be with his friend than me after 5 days....It's so hard cuz I love him, but this isn't what I want in a relationship. As cheesy as it sounds, I want to feel special to someone. Please give me some more comments....it really helps.
blind_otter Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Weird situation. I would take a step back and re-focus. It seems like something is a miss and he's not talking to you about it, just avoiding you.
Sassy Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 absence makes the heart grow fonder .. Make him miss you and want to be with you . Don't make yourself so available to him. Don't call and do your own thing. Maybe he thinks you spend to much time together and justs wants a break. He could have found someone and is avoiding you. Good luck
Author temptris33 Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 Thanks. He just called and left a msg. I had asked him earlier if our relationship now is how he and his Ex's was at the time he and I met...kind of together....when he called me this morning and lft msg he said that it isn't even close and that he never stayed one evening at her house and he's made more of an effort in this one and that he loves me dearly...So, after I listened I called him back and he was on his way to the city with the pump thing. He said that" when he gets back into town-not sure what time but maybe he could pick me up, drop off pump and we could bulls***-Maybe" "not sure". Those are his exact words...maybe..not sure. Hell, after this much time and if I hella missed someone it would be DEFINITE. I told him that tonight wouldn't be a good time. Maybe tomorrow. he asked why and I told him that I have class and then want to go see my mom (hospital) and brothers. Honestly, it gets easier as the time goes by. If he loves me dearly, then why the hell isn't he here? If he's losing interest then why not tell me....instead of telling me that he loves me. I am not going to ask these questions to him...only to you guys because like you mentioned earlier, I don't want to scare him away completely. Or, is there something that I could ask him without pressuring him?
blind_otter Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 I was actually advising that you tell him to call you back when he gets his head straight. Not to pussy foot around like you're scared of losing him because he's acting weird and distant with you.
Author temptris33 Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 Okay. That would be the thing to do. I'll do it. Thanks. I guess I am afraid of losing him, but there are alot more guys out there. It's getting easier to deal with his absence as the days pass...so I should think of that too. He blames my questions lately with "time of the month". How rude is that? HA HA. Whatever.
Author temptris33 Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 Okay. I told him. I said " I love you and you know that- you're super busy with work and stuff and I'm going to give you space and time to deal w/ whatever and call me back when you get your head straight." That's what I said........we'll see what happens. Thanks
blind_otter Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Okay. That would be the thing to do. I'll do it. Thanks. I guess I am afraid of losing him, but there are alot more guys out there. It's getting easier to deal with his absence as the days pass...so I should think of that too. He blames my questions lately with "time of the month". How rude is that? HA HA. Whatever. That is pretty rude. It's weird that you all went on vaca, and then he withdrew. Was the vaca fine?
Author temptris33 Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 We had a blast. Laughed our A**'s off. We went to Costa Rica for a week. Go figure. He took my msg to heart. He just called again and I explained. He said his head is straight. I told him that I understand that work is very busy for him and all the side jobs and bla bla and that I want him to deal with whatever it is and not worry about our relationship and me pulling him in my direction. He said okay. So, I explained it twice. We'll see what happens. He didn't seem to happy about it. Oh well. So, now what? No contact til he calls me?
Skeered Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Personally I think that you need to stop assuming that he's pullin away or that he needs to set his head straight...sounds to me like he is fine...just maybe having a male moment of insensitivity or maybe you aren't being totally open in your communicaiton with him. Have you actually said to him hey I could really use your support right now...or that hey I would love to see you..I know your busy but could you set some time aside for me...don't just assume that because your mom is in the hospital that he is going to drop everything and come be with you. He may not think that it's a huge deal..not saying it's not but unless told he might not know what you are needing right now. I think you need to take time to set your head straight and not call him until you can stop setting up the mood that he's ready to dump the relationship...that's not what it sounds like at all to me from what he's responding with. Just my .02
blind_otter Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 If you have anything that you really need to say, I think it's ok since he seemed receptive (from what you describe).
Author temptris33 Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 Actually I did tell him that I would have loved to have seen him. He just was sooooo busy hanging with his buddy all day and into the evening to make an hour for me.....after 4 days. So, that's where I got a little miffed. We've been together a long time. We used to see eachother every day or at least every other day. When you're with someone for so long you tend to be able to sense when something isn't right. You are right on the mother thing. When he showed up at the hospital for 5 minutes after getting back into town, he did ask if I would mind if he went to the shop. What am I going to say? I didn't want to be a needy bit**....it's the fact that he didn't call since that time to see if I was ok, or my mom was okay. I didn't feel like I could depend on him. Anyways, I did tell him that until he's settled with work and everything that he doesn't have to worry about me pulling him in my direction and that he can call me when things arent so hectic for him. I'm just not going to be so available to him. I always am. I can hardly ever get a hold of him on cell or at shop but yet he ALWAYS gets a hold of me. I think you guys are right with the comment on not always being so available. I need to do more things in my life rather than wait around for him to do thing and maybe give him the space that he might just need to get a breather. What do you think? It's crazy cuz I do love him and yes sometimes I can let my imagination get the best of me like we all can...but I need to feel important to someone. I need to feel like this person wants to be with me...not feel like 2nd or 3rd on the list. i don't want all his time...just equal time (or almost equal) what he gives his buddy.
Guest Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 okay. This is good. I was just now driving back from my parents house, came onto my street and passed what looked to be his (boyfriends) truck...it was..I backed up said "hey! What cha doing". He said he was just getting back into town (from pump thing in the city). I said "come up"..he said no he's got to get to the shop. I said Okay "bye". He drove off. he obviously was there to see me (without calling) and I wasn't home. What's up with that? Kind of made me feel good....but why wouldn't he come back for a few? Was he put off that I wasn't home when he came by? He he...omg! The games we all play! I don't understand em
Author temptris33 Posted March 23, 2006 Author Posted March 23, 2006 okay. This is good! I was driving from my parents and turned onto my street and saw my boyfriends truck. I backed up and said hi. He said hi and I told him to come on up..he said "no he had to go to the shop". He was obviously there to see me..so i said Oh, okay. Bye. and we drove off. Whew. What the hell? why the attitude? I told him that I wasn't going to be home tonight...why did he come by un announced without calling and then when he saw me..why didn't he come up? yikes. I swear I will never figure this out.
jerbear Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Sounds like he had something to say but chickened out. Like Mary3's post, I think the relationship is nearing its end. My situation is similar, I'm 30 yr old guy and she is 40. She got afraid of me getting very close, ran away with another guy (older). Think commitment phobia. In your case, you wouldn't end it but seems like he had.
Mary3 Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 I need to feel like this person wants to be with me...not feel like 2nd or 3rd on the list. i don't want all his time...just equal time (or almost equal) what he gives his buddy.Thats because you ARE 54th on his list and his friends are like number one on his list. Aren't you tired of being ignored and told in so many words you are not very important ??
SoleMate Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Whenever words and actions don't agree and you want to know the truth...look at the actions. His WORDS say that he loves you...his ACTIONS say that he's got no time for you. I agree that he is cooling off and just has a hard time saying it. Lots of people have this problem. It takes courage to look someone in the face and break/bruise their heart. If I were you I would start grieving right now, and go into immediate NC (no contact). If he truly wants you, he will come and find you.
Author temptris33 Posted March 23, 2006 Author Posted March 23, 2006 you're all so right. Thank you. I did something this morning that was probably stupid. He called me last night before he went to bed...this was just after I saw him on my street...anyways I couldn't sleep really well and was awake at 430. I went up to see him at 5:00 to snuggle with him and kind of make the effort...he usually gets up at the crack of dawn. It's rare for me to go up there. Well, his buddy was asleep on the floor (the same best friend that he's been spending alot of time with) and boyfriend was in bed. he seemed really happy to see me. He was all snuggly and given me little kisses. It felt good. I was kind of weirded out that his 28 year old friend is sleepin over...I saw his sleeping bag there when we went to Costa Rica two weeks ago. The buddies parents live a few blocks down the road where he supposably lives. Anyways, it felt good to be laying with him. He walked me down to my car, gave me a huge hug and told me he loved me. I left. So, I've made the effort to kind of cut the tension between us. I'm not going to call him again nor make any more effort. If he wants to be with me then cool. I just don't want to be left in limbo. Was it wrong to have gone up there?
RecordProducer Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Was it wrong to have gone up there?No, he is your boyfriend. What is wrong about this whole situation is that you're acting clingy and that's a huge turn off for men. You should give him space and not be demanding. Be cheerful around him and everything will be ok. If he loves you, he will be with you. If he doesn't, you'll find out sooner or later. If you're in limbo then he is in limbo too. He probably gets a lot of pressure from friends and family that he should find a younger woman and get married. By acting hysterical you just push him away from you. If you want to spend more time with him, just tell him nicely and calmly: "When you want to see me, please give me a call to see if I am available." Or: "I am going to the movies tonight... wanna come with me?" If he refuses to see you or never comes over to your place then you know that something is going on. Be distant and make him miss you. If you chase after him, he will feel suffocated and run away from you.
Kenyth Posted March 23, 2006 Posted March 23, 2006 Not to try and state the obvious, but you're 37 and dating a man in his twenties. Men are often still a bit immature in their twenties. You're at a different stage in life than he is. Your needs are (and should be) more mature. He's being a bit "aloof", and often too busy for you. He's losing interest, not because you're not interesting, but because he's not particularly interested in responsibility right now. If you want a family, house, the white picket fence, a responsible husband, and babies, you may want to find someone at the same stage of life as you. Men can sometimes get away dating a woman ten years younger without complications. It doesn't seem to work as well the other way around. Your libidos are probably well matched, but your maturity levels are way off.
Author temptris33 Posted March 23, 2006 Author Posted March 23, 2006 I honestly never thought I was being clingy because I'm not telling him all this stuff. I only lost my tempter with him the other day when I hadn't seen him for about 5 days and I let him know how I felt about it. I haven't been calling him, or anything like that. I did go up there this morning...with a smile. As far as the marriage thing goes...No, I don't want to be married. Been there done that..at least not at this point. I have kids and he doesn't want to have any so that's good. His parents and his sister all love me and we get along great. So the family pressure isn't there. I totally agree with the maturity thing. There is a difference, but not huge. He is very responsible. He owns his own business (with his father)...actually two business's. He works very very hard. I'm going to go with the advice on giving him some space. Although he hasn't asked for it directly...I'll do it anyway. What happens about being with other people? I mean from my end. If I act distant with him to see if he'll come around and I hang in Limbo for a while...then how long do I wait until I go out with other people? Those are things that I don't want to bring up to him. I don't want to bug him about that but I also don't want to hurt anybody that I'm involved with either.
Author temptris33 Posted March 24, 2006 Author Posted March 24, 2006 Well, he called me last night and said he was already driving down to my house. He came down! I guess that means that he missed me. It worked. I took all the advice you all gave me and it helped. It was so nice to have him next to me..(I didn't tell him that). He said "I love being down here with you". This morning he gave me hugs and kisses and told me he loved me just before he left for work. I'm still not going to call him. I'm going to let him do the pursuing. Thank you all again so much. This has to mean that he hasn't lost interest in me cuz it felt like it always had.
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