mattea Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 i love this site and wish i could visit it more but i'm not online at home so it's not so easy! i've posted on here before about communication and i still feel baffled by it. i can't figure out whether my bf and i are setting a bad foundation by not communicating now or if i should just chill out and wait to talk about certain things until we are farther along in the relationship/more serious. we've been dating for about 4 months. his actions say he really likes me. we've established that we're monogamous. we spend a lot of time together (all weekend and once or twice during the week). he's introduced me to his friends and met mine. he's sweet, affectionate, tells me when he has a nice time being with me. so what's to worry about, you might ask? here's the things we don't talk about that i find myself wishing we would: 1. how we feel about each other (i.e. what we like about each other). other than "having a nice time" with me, i don't know what specifically he likes about me. i try to tell him sometimes what i like about him, but it hasn't been verbalized to me. 2. what we like/dislike in bed. there's defintely pretty equal interest in sex and an attraction between us, but we stick to pretty standard stuff. i'd like to be more adventurous but feel a bit inhibited for some reason. 3. what we're both looking for in a relationship in a general sense. we've only been dating for 4 months, so i don't know if we're cut out for long-term, but i do know that i want a partnership in my life. i'm afraid to assume that's what he wants, get emotionally invested, and then find out he just likes "dating". i want to feel closer, more emotionally intimate with this person. right now we have fun, which is great but i don't like wondering what he's thinking/feeling/wanting either. do i take the initiative and bring this stuff up or what?
basscatcher Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 i love this site and wish i could visit it more but i'm not online at home so it's not so easy! i've posted on here before about communication and i still feel baffled by it. i can't figure out whether my bf and i are setting a bad foundation by not communicating now or if i should just chill out and wait to talk about certain things until we are farther along in the relationship/more serious. we've been dating for about 4 months. his actions say he really likes me. we've established that we're monogamous. we spend a lot of time together (all weekend and once or twice during the week). he's introduced me to his friends and met mine. he's sweet, affectionate, tells me when he has a nice time being with me. so what's to worry about, you might ask? here's the things we don't talk about that i find myself wishing we would: 1. how we feel about each other (i.e. what we like about each other). other than "having a nice time" with me, i don't know what specifically he likes about me. i try to tell him sometimes what i like about him, but it hasn't been verbalized to me. 2. what we like/dislike in bed. there's defintely pretty equal interest in sex and an attraction between us, but we stick to pretty standard stuff. i'd like to be more adventurous but feel a bit inhibited for some reason. 3. what we're both looking for in a relationship in a general sense. we've only been dating for 4 months, so i don't know if we're cut out for long-term, but i do know that i want a partnership in my life. i'm afraid to assume that's what he wants, get emotionally invested, and then find out he just likes "dating". i want to feel closer, more emotionally intimate with this person. right now we have fun, which is great but i don't like wondering what he's thinking/feeling/wanting either. do i take the initiative and bring this stuff up or what? Wow-- a lot of similarities to my relationship. click on my profile and go back and read my beginning threads about Mr. L (Charlie)... We were just like you described until I started to try talk about these issues. I pray your relationship doesn't turn into a similiar situation as mine. Good Luck dear.
Author mattea Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 hey padameckla, i went back and read some of your posts but still not sure... what's happened with the two of you? fortunately my guy is affectionate, in public and when we're alone. he hugs & kisses and holds hands. he lies very close to me all night and holds me most of the night. i know he must like me since he wants to spend time together a lot. i guess i just want to HEAR what he likes about ME and how he feels. otherwise i feel like maybe i am just what a friend of mine has referred to as "replacable girlfriend unit". does he just like someone he can sleep with and have fun with or are there some feelings for me specifically? and why can't we talk more openly about sexual likes? i'm not meaning to blame it all on him, just not sure how to ask for what i need. i've heard it's important to be specific when you ask for things you need/want. what do i say? "I want you to tell me what you like about me?"
magda Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Yeah, just ask. I was in a relationship similar to yours once and eventually broke it off. We never did communicate the way we should've. I think I was just the "replaceable girlfriend unit". He protested the break up at first but neither of us were heartbroken or anything. He was new to the area and I think he liked my friends and the social aspect that I brought to his life more than any particular love for me personally. He didn't really know me because we weren't the same. I fished once for why he dated me and he said I was "fun". And really, I don't know why I dated him, either. There wasn't anything particular about him. Maybe you are both just kind of floating with just enough mutual attraction to stay with it but not enough to really push things? Is he the replaceable boyfriend unit?
Author mattea Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 thanks for the response. i think that's a good question... "is he the replacable boyfriend unit"? i've asked myself that. but then, i know what i like about him and have tried to express at least some if it to him. he has a lot of friendships and they are obviously important to him and i see that he is there for his friends. i respect and admire that. he's smart and funny. he's very thoughtful. he's attractive to me. he's very open-minded and likes to explore different perspective and is adventurous. no, i don't think he'd be easily replacable. i just question: am i insecure in needing to know what it is he likes about me?
magda Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 I don't think it's insecure if he hasn't expressed why he does. It's reasonable at this point in the relationship to want to know where it could possibly be going. If he never compliments you one has to wonder. It would only be insecure if you asked for compliments frequently.
basscatcher Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 hey padameckla, i went back and read some of your posts but still not sure... what's happened with the two of you? fortunately my guy is affectionate, in public and when we're alone. he hugs & kisses and holds hands. he lies very close to me all night and holds me most of the night. i know he must like me since he wants to spend time together a lot. i guess i just want to HEAR what he likes about ME and how he feels. otherwise i feel like maybe i am just what a friend of mine has referred to as "replacable girlfriend unit". does he just like someone he can sleep with and have fun with or are there some feelings for me specifically? and why can't we talk more openly about sexual likes? i'm not meaning to blame it all on him, just not sure how to ask for what i need. i've heard it's important to be specific when you ask for things you need/want. what do i say? "I want you to tell me what you like about me?" Charlie would touch me in the first two-three months then started to relax. He never brought up how he thought of me or how he felt about me. We are still together so far but he needs some space right now. You questions you have are the same ones I have. I opened up and started asking about a month maybe 1 1/2 months ago. I just asked straight up what he thought. He said he didn't understand what I was asking and he asked me to be more specific so I asked him what he thought of me and how he felt about me and he got really uncomfortable and changed the subject. I let him detour and change the subject until recently. I am tired of his brush off and now he has chosen to take some time to himself for awhile. He can't communicate about his personal thoughts and feelings. He has used every excuse he can think of to avoid this conversation. My beginning posts about Charlie were possitive ones. I shared the happiness I had so others could have hope and I needed to share or I would explode. Now I am having problems and it is intense all because he wont talk about our relationship. I think honestly is the best. I think if you have the questions you should ask him in a nice but direct way. Don't be vague. Men don't like vague questions. If you can't be specif in what you want to ask him then don't until you find the right words. Be selective when you bring it up. Don't do it when he is distracted with other events. If he is one on one with you and his attention is with you then I think that would be a good time to bring up that talk. I believe my Charlie has some very deep rooted issues that have nothing to do with me. I am just one of the women who have tripped over it and am getting hurt because of it. Don't be afraid of his response. It's better to know then to not know. Charlie is 42 yrs old. I am 37. We both are older, have lots of baggage and history under us. I am a communication freak with lots of counceling and knowledge and he has lived not as worldly as I have. I have been around a lot in my life and witnessed and survivied alot. he hasnt he is the silver spoon baby. So I face things he doesn't.. Your guy and you are different ppl but you do need to find out your answers or at least try.
mitchilicious Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 hi to all....im looking forward to share my stories here...and glad to help you out....God speed to all.....
mitchilicious Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 i think only insecurities will kill ure relationships...you have to have confidence wd ureself and by the way he loves u that way you are.....he was impress on you the first time u two met right????
Walk Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 1. how we feel about each other 2. what we like/dislike in bed. 3. what we're both looking for in a relationship in a general sense. i want to feel closer, more emotionally intimate with this person. right now we have fun, which is great but i don't like wondering what he's thinking/feeling/wanting either. do i take the initiative and bring this stuff up or what? The last two questions I talked to SO's about prior to becoming monogamous. WIthin the first month. Always in a very general sense, without reference specificially to the two of us together. Just a question such as "what do you look for in a partner?", "Would you ever get married and if so why?" And a lot of talk about what each of us liked/disliked while having sex. What our fantasy's were. What specific qualities would make a good partner.. etc. If they can answer with clear responses of what they would want in a SO, and sexually, then they have the ability to communicate their want's or needs with you. But if they don't know, then they're going to bounce around in relationships, doing the trial and error process of figuring out what they like/dislike. I have to ask specificially what my bf likes about me usually. He's not a terribly emotionally open kind of guy. If I ask while we're cuddling after sex, he will gush. If I ask during a regular day, just sitting on the couch talking, then he gets uncomfortable and either changes the subject or seems upset. Some guys aren't good at talking about feelings, so try to time it when they feel the safest and most comfortable with you. You do need to talk to him about these questions. Otherwise you won't have the foundation necessary when problems arise to fix them. You don't know enough about each other at this point. You can phrase your questions to seem less intrusive or harmful. And time them for when the two of you are focused on each other. But you do need to talk about these things.
electric_sheep Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 I've found there is a wide spectrum in peoples emotional needs. There is also a wide spectrum in the way people open up and communicate. If I am truly in love with someone giving them positive affirmation comes very natural for me. I have a tendency to just say what I think, and I wear my feelings on my sleeve. When I'm truly in love I compliment and say good things about my lover frequently. I find it's hard not to ! Other people are much more reserved in their compliments and affirmation, and in the way they communicate in general. Sometimes this can be really frustrating, particularly if you are at the other end of the extreme like me. It doesn't mean they don't care for you. It's possible it may mean they are being a little guarded ... but maybe not. Remember, some people are just naturally more empathic, and have a more accute understanding of others feelings. Others are more focused on themselves or other things and have a hard time sensing the needs of others. Did you ever have a friend that would simply forget to say "thank you" ? I did, and I still do ! I give him his x-mas gift each year and he just opens it and puts it on the table, without so much as a thank you. It doesn't mean he is unappreciative ... some people just have a hard time showing it, or don't feel like it is necessary for whatever reason. My current girlfriend is sort of like that. I know she loves me, but I have to cherish and store away every compliment she gives me because I know it may be a long time before I get another one. I've sort of brought the issue up before, but I've found people slide back into their old habits pretty quickly. You sort of feel silly saying "Hey ! Life is a bitch and I like to be reminded of why you love me !". If you are sure he really loves you, try not and take it personally. It's just a difference in personalities.
Author mattea Posted March 23, 2006 Author Posted March 23, 2006 thanks all! we talked a bit last night when we were alone and holding each other. i asked him how he feels being in the relationship. he says he feels great being in a relationship with me and likes that we have fun together and that we can talk about all sorts of things and be open. it's funny that he feels that way just when i'm feeling like i wish we were more open about certain things, but i guess everyone has different intimacy needs. he asked me how i feel being in the relationship and i let him know many of the things i really like about him and that i love spending time with him. i also let him know that i'd like to know what he likes about me because sometimes i get scared that he just likes having a girlfriend or something. so he told me several things he likes about me. it was a good start, i felt closer to him just letting him know what i'm experiencing and knowing what he's experiencing. he also said he's aware that he is slow to open up and is not so good about expressing his emotions but that he wants to get better at it. what walk & electric_sheep say about differing personalities is really true and a good reminder. in many ways he acts very sweet and caring, but doesn't really verbalize. i try to accept his ways of expressing that he cares but sometimes i just really feel i need to hear it! however, i'm not building up some resentment and expecting him to just know what i need. i've realized i'll have to ask for what i need. we have a long way to go with the communication but i appreciate all your advice and sharing your stories. they helped me to make a start.
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